Day 90 * 3 Months * Hot Diggity

I’ve been meaning to write, but haven’t felt motivated.  I wanted to do a quick check in at day 90.

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Life. Is. So. Good.  School is out for the summer.  The pool is refreshing and steps from my doorwall.  The garden is thriving and the hot days are lazy.  The highlight of my days are after dinner when hubby and I typically take a bike ride.  I pledged to ride 150 miles this month to raise money to fight pediatric cancer.  So far I’ve ridden 105.

I haven’t been reading or writing as much as I want to.  I’ve been waking up later than I would like and hastily chugging coffee before heading out to daily errands/appointments.  I’m trying to get caught up with things but think it will slow down soon.

Cravings and Urges 

We went up north last Friday to relax and celebrate our 17th anniversary.  I thought I would be fine.  After all, I thought I mastered staying sober at the cottage.  It sure took some practice, but by the end of last summer, I was used to and enjoyed going to bed sober there.

Shortly after arriving, Betsy started chirping in my ear about how nice it would be to relax with hubby and some drinks. After all, celebrating our anniversary was a joyous occasion and a good excuse to get wasted.  I listened to her enough to bring it up to hubby.  His response was:

“What day are you on?”  and “No.  We’ll get some good snacks and yummy NA drinks to enjoy.”

I know that he would probably have enjoyed a few beers and kind of wanted him to agree to a few drinks.  I’m thankful that he is smart and cares about me enough to not contribute to a relapse.  Let’s get real, it would not have been a night or two of drinks.  It would have been a binge for days or weeks and probably would have taken me months to get back into a total abstinence pattern.  It’s kind of frightening to think that I came that close to throwing away 83 days.

The weekend was good.   We bought 2 hard kayaks and 1 tandem blow up kayak at Walmart.  The blow up one deflated and the hard ones ended up getting water on the inside of the boat (not where you sit.. but on the inside where you can’t reach into– pretty much the worse design ever!).  Needless to say, it was a long and treacherous day of kayaking and we ended up taking them all right back to the store.

We are going back up tomorrow for the weekend and taking the scout troop with us. It should be an eventful weekend…

Self Care

I had my first wellness visit in the longest time yesterday.  It felt good to honestly say that I don’t smoke or drink at all, and that my worst vice is 3+ cups of daily coffee.  Tomorrow morning first thing, I get to have my very first mammogram done!  Blood work from my rheumatologist always shows that I’m anemic and she always wants me to follow up with my dr. So, I did that yesterday and now I have to go to a hematologist.  All of these visits are kind of nerve wracking to anticipate– but at least if there is a problem then I’ll have a chance to get it treated.   Maybe if they can fix my anemia I won’t be so tired sometimes (I am just waking up from a 3:00 siesta as I write this.. my 30 minute afternoon naps do wonders).

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Sooooo..  that is all.   This is probably my most boring and dull post– but I wanted to check in, especially at day 90– a milestone day.  The longest stretch of sobriety that I have ever is 93 days and I am SUPER excited to surpass that and to reach triple digits!

 

 

Labor Day 2018

Last year on this long weekend I was in the middle of a relapse.  I had a last hurrah weekend at the cottage & vaguely remembering day drinking before having to pack up & go home (I was not driving). 

Betsy has been whispering in my ear, but I’ve been able to squash her stupid A$$ conniving thoughts.  Happy to say that I’m going to bed sober.  It is an important night, it is the first day of school for students tomorrow— a big day for many.  

The whole weekend was low key but fabulous.  We spent a lot of time in the pool & with each other.  Hubby & oldest had a scout outing on Saturday, so my youngest & I had a date night & then got some school supply shopping done.  

On Sunday hubby & I had a date day.  We found a Segway tour rental nearby & was super excited to go, but it ended up being closed for the holiday weekend.  So we went to Walmart (I had to get clothes pins & spray paint for a school project— plus WHO wouldn’t want to spend time on a date at the Walmart?? 🤷🏼‍♀️) and then to a Japanese restaurant that had delicious sushi.  

Today I rode my bike for the first time in about a month.  We rode over 10 Miles in the hot sun. It was pure bliss.  This is what drinking takes from me, this & so much more!  We came home, swam, ate subs outside for lunch and then worked around the house & got the kids ready for tomorrow.  It was the perfect day really.  

I learned a valuable lesson from my last relapse. It is much easier to stay sober than to become sober. This last time I found it nearly impossible to stop. I would get 2 days & then drink over & over again.  

Today is day 6.  I am so grateful to be sober. I will remain grateful for every sober day ❤

Summer Reflections

Summer 2018 is coming to a close!  Well, technically, we have about a month left of summer, but summer vacation is almost history.  Today is Friday and I go back to work on Tuesday.  I was at school last week for a meeting and most teachers are already hard at work setting up their classrooms.  Most of the prep work that I need to do I can do from home, such as sending out IEPs at glance and trying to get my schedule set up– so I typically don’t go in until I’m required to.

The summer of ’18 was one of my favorites yet.  Normally over the summer there are many times that I am bored, lonely and get depressed.  Depressed– as in– barely having enough energy for a shower and being in a general funk for days.  I’m happy to say that I didn’t go through that this summer.  The reason, I’m pretty sure, is both external and internal.

I’ve made a ton of growth internally over the past several months and years.  By internally, I guess I mean mentally and spiritually.  I used to think that everyone was mad at me or didn’t like me– and I don’t know why I spent so much energy worrying about all of that.  I’m not sure when or how this changed, probably due to the self help books that I read, but I no longer worry about other people.  I’m sure this has helped me to not feel depressed and has helped me at times when I’m alone not feel so lonely.

Externally, the summer was bustling and busy, with little time to be feeling down.  Cousins and the kids’ friends were over constantly, and a lot of time was spent with family and friends in both July and August.

There was that terrible situation towards the end of July when my mother and father-in-law had to take their 3 grandkids.  Since then, I’ve gotten my dose of little ones! My own kids are older and it is nice to have smaller kids to hang out with.  We’ve taken them to the park, the cider mill, swimming and other fun things.  Also, my niece is going into kindergarten and is academically behind so I’ve been tutoring her for the past few weeks.  After our tutoring session, we make time to do something fun like taking the dog for a walk or baking muffins.  It’s been such a blessing to have that time with her.

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Fun at the cider mill– my niece and my oldest 
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Spending time with little ones is good for the heart and soul

It sounds like my sister in law might get custody back in a couple of months.  I can’t say that I feel good about it or support it.  I’m really anxious and scared about it, but that’s a story for another day.  For now they are happy and safe and I have enjoyed building a relationship with them.

Here are some summer highlights:

  • I learned how to use the weedwacker
  • I got all my teeth problems fixed and have an appointment set up for an orthodontist consultation (I’ve been putting this all off for YEARS)
  • I rode 154 miles on my bike during the month of June (my goal was 150)
  • Paid off my smaller private student loan and faced my large federal loan after a decade of avoiding it
  • Learned how to make falafel
  • Read, read, read!  Read some great books for fun and also some spiritual books– my favorite being The Four Agreements.
  • Started meditating daily
  • Started the summer with a strong streak of sobriety– recent relapse has taught me some good life lessons (story for another day)
  • Started seriously working the steps
  • Had some spiritual realizations which have provided me with internal calmness and clarity– I am ecstatic to be able to pick up on signs and messages
  • Got iron infusions and am no longer anemic
  • Planted a garden which has provided me with some delicious fresh peppers, tomatoes, zucchini and squash

Yes, this summer has been a great one!  Today is going to be another fantastic day.  I have a lunch date with a good friend from work and then I’m getting my hair done.  I still need to get some new work clothes, get my nails done, go school clothes shopping with my youngest and schedule an appointment to get new contact lens– all in good time.

 

Stuck in this Relapse

This is what I wrote shortly after my last relapse 7/28/18:

The good news is that after drinking several days this past week, I am so incredibly excited to get back on track.  There is so much misery to active addiction– physically, mentally, spiritually.  I miss the AF me!  I cannot wait to get back to being physically active, strengthening my spiritual practices and living with that feeling of peace that comes from being substance free.  I’ve proven that I can do it and be happy and free ❤

It’s about 3 weeks later and I’m still not back on track.  Still drinking nightly, still not exercising, working mildy on my soul with readings and my 12 step workbook.

WHY is this important?  Because when you kill the momentum with a relapse it is HARD to get back on track, beyond hard.  It can make you do crazy things.

Like… here is something crazy stupid.  Two days ago I woke up with a new resolve to STOP the drinking.  I had a full box and a box 1/4 full of wine in the garage.  I could throw away the 1/4 box but didn’t want to WASTE the full box.  So — what did I do?  I gave it away on my local Buy Nothing Facebook group.  I did not want to throw away a whole unopened box and thought that a normal drinker may enjoy it…

The Buy Nothing site requires you to creatively gift items and not just give to the first person who responds.  So I had people comment with a number and the number closest to mine by 5pm won.  I felt slightly guilty for giving away something that I know is an awful toxin- but was hoping that a normal drinker would win it and truly enjoy it– not all one sitting.

The girl who won was ecstatic!  She had just bought a camper and had a girl’s weekend scheduled and said it would be the perfect addition.  I felt so good about it!  She asked to pick it up the next day.

That night the wine witch started screaming at me and I still had all that wine in the garage.  I should have dumped out the 1/4 box I had left but I didn’t.  I decided that I would drink that and then stop (that’s funny).

Well I bet you could guess what I did next.  I opened that box that was meant for the winner of my contest.  WHO does that?   The entire time I was thinking about it and then opening the box, all I could think is how INSANE the whole situation is.   Insanity is another name for my addiction.

I try to learn from each relapse and setback.  I don’t think I ever wrote about the details that ultimately lead to my decision to open that first bottle.

My nephew was staying with us for the week before Boy Scout camp and the scene around our house was typically chaotic.  I was scheduled to go to scout camp and then up to Tawas immediately after for a girl’s weekend celebrating my sister’s birthday.  I was excited for the girl’s weekend and hubby kept remarking the week before that after having my nephew for so long and Boy Scout camp that it was a well deserved weekend of fun.  I was pumped!

Two nights before the girl’s weekend, while I was at camp, BAD things were happening.

At camp it was an ice cream social followed by a dance party.  My nephew (who is a part of the troop and who I was responsible for) kept disappearing and I learned that he was wanting to start a fight with another boy on the dance floor.  My own kid is very docile, I’m not used to dealing with this type of situation.  It was a highly stressful night– no fights ensued but I was on edge the whole time.

After the dance party we all got ready and went to bed.  As another parent said goodnight to the boys, we learned that my nephew was not in his tent.  It wasn’t a huge deal, he was sitting with the other troop that we shared the site with at the fire– but again, he was supposed to tell someone where he is at all times.  I had to have another stern talking to him and deal with some disrespectful actions.

As I laid in my cot my frustration grew.  I was annoyed with the disrespect that my nephew showed me and that I couldn’t enjoy myself because of the added stress.  I was also annoyed with my body.  I have rheumatoid arthritis and had been doing great (which I attributed to 100 days clean of alcohol) but my body was beginning to deceive me.  My shoulder and foot had progressively gotten worse throughout the week and were now throbbing as I sat in my annoyance.  WHY? I thought, WHY now, WHY here?

I wasn’t close to being ready for sleep so I reached out to my sister and let her know that I was SO excited for her birthday weekend.  Her text back let me know that there has been a change of plans.

Her daughter, who had just found out that she is pregnant, had most likely lost her baby.  My niece was beside herself with grief so my sister cancelled the girl’s weekend and arranged for us all to be at the cottage together to help console my niece.

While it made me sad and anxious, I knew that there was nothing I could do about it and accepted it.  As it turns out, by the way, she found out a couple weeks later that the baby was fine, but we had no idea of knowing that at the time.

I then texted my hubby, as we normally chatted before bed.  I didn’t like hearing what he had to say.

He had some news also.  His sister lost her kids for at least 12 months.  One of her kids is my nephew who was at camp with me.  My hubby had to get interviewed by CPS to let them know where he was at.  We were just so relieved that CPS didn’t come to camp to question my nephew.  I was so sad for him knowing that his life was about to change and he had no idea.

All this SHIT— WTF?????

I don’t know if it was that night, or the next day, but I made the conscious decision that after camp, when I got to the cottage, I was drinking.  My sisters weren’t too happy to hear (even though they are drinkers–they know my struggles and my journey).  I was completely ok with it– or so I said.  “People are losing their kids!” I shouted.  “I’m not going to stress over a few drinks!”

I knew it wouldn’t be a one night thing.  Hubby’s vacation was the following week and I thought, well I blew it– might as well drink on vacation too (because who doesn’t love hangovers, headaches, anxiety and the shakes when you are on vacation).   I thought after his week off I could focus on my sobriety.

And here we are, 2 weeks after his vacation and I’m still in this cycle.  I don’t even want to quit today.  I DO want to quit sometime soon.  Just not today.  Maybe I won’t be able to this time.  Maybe it’ll turn into day drinking and waking up with the shakes.  Maybe my liver will fail and I will die a slow and painful death eating my words about just a couple of drinks.

To my family, I am sorry.  I am doing the best that I can.

To anyone who is reading this, if you have clean time cherish the heck out of it.  If it’s 1 day, or 10 or 100– cherish every single day.  And if you are thinking you might relapse, think about how hard the first few days were.  The first few days are always the hardest and will always be so hard regardless of how much sobriety you have.  Folks, people relapse after years of sobriety and die from it.  This is real.

Don’t let an event– or series of events out of your control make you think that you have the right to give in.  That is your addiction taking advantage of you– and he/she will!  I’m quite certain that with every piece of bad news I received, Betsy was doing a happy dance in my head.

The only thing that I can promise is that I will always be open and honest about my journey, no matter how ugly the truth is.

I do have hope that better days are ahead.

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Two Me’s

I’m really excited warriors! I’m back on board– hopefully for the last time! I’m not sure why some people seem to have a big AHA…… moment and they enter recovery to never look back. I want that! I’m so tired of relapses and not sure why I keep putting myself through it.

I had an interesting experience today. My school is hiring a 2nd special ed teacher and I was asked to be on the interview team. So… I had to get up early today and was not planning on drinking last night. BUT.. there’s alcohol in the house and I have zero control. So I felt and probably looked like SH&% this morning. We only had 2 candidates to interview (both named Elizabeth, which was kind of funny).

I liked the first one (she actually reminded me of myself– very low key) but my special ed director and principal didn’t really like her. They said she seemed low energy and almost like she took an anxiety pill. She had mentioned that she has kids at home with ADHD and they actually suggested she was nervous and took her kids’ medicine before the interview! Talk about a WOW moment. I don’t know why that was such a surprise to me, but I didn’t pick up on it at all and was kind of annoyed that they were being so mean. The second girl came in with a big smile and clear eyes. She was really good and the one who we unanimously agreed on.

I could l see myself in both women and on the way home I reflected–WHO do I want to be? The tired Me with a constant hangover? Puffy eyes and face, hands shaking, nothing gets done because I spend my evening getting knockered and my days feeling like shit and hating myself? Or the Me that doesn’t drink anymore? The one who can ride my bike 150 miles in a month, who gets up early to walk the dog and spends the weekend doing things that makes me happy because I AM happy and I HAVE the energy to do these things.

So.. I think I’m ready for another serious go at this. Goals help me. Last time, on March 23rd, I visualized 100 days at the beginning of July. I MADE it to 100 days- but then relapsed like 20 days later. I want a year and I want to write a book about this entire journey– my super long journey that has had many pitfalls. I know my mind is pretty serious because I have a full box of wine in the garage. I can’t bring myself to dump it– it just seems like such a waste! So I listed it in my local free group. Other times, I would be like “I’ll finish that box and THEN quit..”  I’m ready– so ready.

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Two Very Different Meetings

Today is Tuesday and it has been a successful week so far.  I want to also celebrate the fact, that besides that funk I found myself in early on, this summer has pretty much been free of depression.  This tells me that I am nurturing my soul and living in a way that makes my heart happy.  Summer is typically a time that it is easy for me to fall prey to a slump.

I made it to two meetings yesterday!

The first was the noon AA meeting that I attended occasionally last summer and really liked.  I was on a mission to find a sponsor and when an older lady sat at my table and we started to make small talk, I asked her if she sponsored and if she would sponsor me.  She said yes!

I took a chance and I’m glad I did.  We will start working in about 10 days when she is done with her probation.  I also had a chance to make small talk with a woman about my age who just accomplished her first 30 days.  I had shared about my recent relapse and she asked for details after the meeting.  I was very open with her about my experience.  She also works for the schools and is nervous about going back to work and not having time for so many meetings (she is currently in an outpatient program).  I can totally relate but told her that in my experience, summer is the toughest time to stay sober because of all of the unstructured time, freedom and generally people doing a lot of partying.  It is so nice to connect with local people who are in recovery.

The 2nd meeting was a little bit of a shit show.  It was a Refuge Recovery meeting and the location yesterday was at a Cat cafe.  If you don’t know what this is, it is a cafe where rescue cats are free to roam around.  It helps to socialize them and also to help find potential adoptable families.  If you are not familiar with Refuge Recovery, it is Buddhist based and mediation is a big part of it.

Since two of my favorite things are cats and meditation, I thought this was absolutely PURRRRRFECT!  And even better was the fact that it was an open meeting, so I asked my hubby to go with me.  My hubby is a very reserved and quiet man.  I’m pretty sure that accompanying me to this meeting nearly killed him, but he is sweet so he did it anyway.

The meeting started off well.  Cats were everywhere and the 10 people attending the meeting included a diverse crowd of about ages 20-50.

We started with a guided meditation, which I have to say that I really enjoyed.  Near the end, I heard a woman crying (or laughing?) and some commotion.  I learned after the meditation was over that one of the cats urinated in the donation money basket and also on the facilitator’s shoes!  It was really pretty funny.

Next, we read a section from the Refuge Recovery book.  I enjoyed the reading and could relate to the topic.

Lastly,  each person had a chance to share.  This is where things got strange.  It was very different from AA– where you have a mix of people who have just begun the program and are struggling and people who are years sober and who still work and believe in the program and promote it–but for the most part is positive and optimistic.

This was entirely different.  Everyone who shared seemed to be in a really dark place.  Sharers included a couple of young men who often had to fight the urge to kill themselves, a doctor of philosophy who expressed her “rage” from all of the negativity she felt at the meeting and the bad cats while we were meditating and that she was so tired of the families she worked with who didn’t understand that their loved one isn’t the only one in pain and the fact that they made her “rage” (she was a scary one, I noted the quickest way out while she was sharing because it appeared that she may start to “rage” at any moment), and a young woman who recently relapsed and was high on drugs.  She was at the meeting because she was a few days free from alcohol and once she was 8 days free from alcohol she was going across the country to rehab.  She was hitting all the meetings she could to hit that 8 days, but it was so strange to be at a meeting with someone who openly admitted to being high.

An older gentleman approached me after the meeting.  I had shared that it was my first RR meeting and he reassured me that last night was an anomaly.  He told me that I should try going to the temple and that it would be a much different experience, and that meditation had done wonders for him and his chronic pain (which was strange because RA causes me chronic pain, but he didn’t know that).  He also defended the meeting and said that people felt like they could be 100% authentic and real.  I appreciated his insight.

I left feeling so drained afterwards and sad that my hubby’s first and probably only meeting was so negative.  We talked about the sadness we felt on the way home and that each person that shared at the meeting could easily be a friend or colleague.  I left feeling like if I ever wanted to go to another RR meeting, I would try a different one and would never go back to the cat cafe.

After a full night’s sleep, I had a different opinion.  Maybe hearing people share from the pit of addiction is beneficial for me in some ways.  I had regretted taking hubby with me, but maybe it was good for him to see this– to help him understand some of the demons that I’m facing.  I might actually go back to that cat cafe!  At the very least, I definitely want to check out a large group meditation at the temple.

Well, that’s my update!  I’m happy to write a positive post and excited about my progress ❤

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Summer Houseboat

I’ve decided that my summer is like living on a houseboat.

During the summer, routines and consistencies change often- daily or even momentarily.

Storms come in and waves crash overboard, leaving me unbalanced and shaky.

I can stay docked and that allows me to seek the safe shelter with a strong foundation when the storms come in.

But when I’m out on the water, in my houseboat, I don’t have the reliable foundation to stay safe and grounded.

Summer is a mix of having my houseboat docked and safe and being out in the middle of the sea both in calm weather and roaring winds.

What to do?

I need to keep building my infrastructure.  I need to put my foundation first and foremost.  An impromptu trip to the cottage doesn’t mean that I don’t have to attend meetings (yes, there are meetings close by, no excuses) or get in my daily workout and meditation routine.  An unexpected visit from a friend from out of town doesn’t mean the self care goes down the toilet.  Suddenly having to watch my niece and nephew doesn’t mean I can blow off the reading I promised to do or the list I was going to work on.

THESE are excuses.   Making excuses to STOP doing these things will weaken my will and cause my stable houseboat to blow into the inevitable storm with nothing to hold onto.

I like summer and I like my houseboat, but I despise defeat.

No matter what time of year it is, I must work hard to be victorious ❤ ❤ ❤

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26 Reasons Why Sobriety Rocks

  1. Being able to remember last night
  2. Not having to worry about what you said or did
  3. Waking up with a clear head
  4. Waking up without a pounding headache, physical aches and general feelings of physical and mental angst
  5. Enjoying the taste of an AF drink
  6. Having enough energy to exercise
  7. The physical, mental and spiritual growth from working on recovery
  8. General feeling of happiness
  9. Feeling like you are truly living your best life
  10. Daily connections with other sober individuals
  11. Spending quality time with friends and family
  12. Being able to hop in the car 24/7 if needed
  13. Saving money by not buying poison
  14. NOT thinking about alcohol 24/7
  15. Feeling like a rebel when you drink caffeine past 9pm on a Friday night
  16. Being able to be more productive
  17. Lack of horrible hangovers that snatch the entire day
  18. Lack of guilt and shame feelings
  19. Increase in self confidence
  20. Brighter skin
  21. Lack of impulse buys
  22. Not feeling like alcohol has you in shackles
  23. Not worrying about if “they’ll” find out your secret
  24. Not having to go to multiple stores to buy alcohol so “they” don’t find you out
  25. Not worrying about when or if you will hit rock bottom, and what that will be
  26. Feeling like your spouse (or mom or dad or best friend or brother) is proud, not ashamed of you

25 Reasons Why I Hate Drinking

  1. Waking up panicked about what I said, if my kid got his nightly insulin dose, where my phone is, etc etc etc
  2. Feeling physically drained while drinking and the next day
  3. The headaches and general body aches
  4. Worrying about what I said or did
  5. Guilty feelings and feeling like I’ve let my family down
  6. Wanting to stop but not knowing if the evening urge will overcome me
  7. Lack of productivity
  8. Overall feeling of dark blackness
  9. Lack of sleep
  10. Increased general anxiety
  11. Dependence and needing it daily
  12. Spending money on it
  13. Having to pretend that everything is ok
  14. Feeling like I am not living my best life
  15. Wasted time that could’ve been spent with my family
  16. Uncertainty of the future
  17. Thinking about drinking 24/7– obsessing over it
  18. Embarrassment I must cause my hubby when I drink too much around his family
  19. Not remembering going to bed
  20. Having to face videos or pics taken of me passed out or saying stupid things the night before
  21. Making promises or plans that I know I won’t follow through with
  22. Drunk texts or Facebook posts
  23. Losing my spirit literally
  24. Having no motivation to foster my health (my diet and exercise suffers when I’m actively drinking)
  25. The way it sucks the joy out of everything good in my life

 

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Control

Epiphany Part II

Back in early June I wrote about an epiphany I had while on a bike ride.  In short, a strong thought entered my head to buy the house my inlaws were about to put on the market.  It was shortly after my mom’s death and it was a pretty strong and clear message.  It scared me a little because I wasn’t sure what the purpose was and thought that maybe one of us (me, hubby or one of the kids) was going to die and we would need the support of family members nearby.

https://thedevildrinksvodka.com/2018/06/01/the-epiphany/

We’ve had a difficult situation brewing in my husband’s family.  In May, my mother and father in law were called up from Florida because CPS had taken their grandkids (My hubby’s sister’s kids).  His sister had left her husband and moved out of the house.  At some point, CPS was called and intervened and he was deemed an unfit parent.  My inlaws rushed back to Michigan from Florida to get the kids.  They helped the sister and her kids get into a shelter for abused and battered women.  The kids were not in good shape, they were neglected and dirty.

So up until now, they’ve been trying to help the sister get her life under control, get a job and get out of the shelter.

Last week CPS deemed her unfit and took the kids from her.  She has lost them for at least 12 months and if it drags to 18 she will lose them permanently.

My MIL and FIL have temporary custody and plan to keep them for the 12 months.  They are in their 60’s and are completely exhausted whenever they have taken these kids for short periods of time.  I have no idea how they will manage 12 months!  Before the sister lost them and this became reality, we have talked about taking them.  We shy away for numerous reasons (we don’t have enough bedrooms/space, they are very needy and can be difficult due to the trauma they’ve endured, the needs of our own kids, having to deal  and basically because we’re not sure that we are fit to do it, physically, emotionally, mentally…).

I was driving home from the cottage yesterday when my mind started wandering.  It became clear as day to me that we NEED to step up for these kids.  We have a basic 3 bedroom ranch, but can ADD space.  We have a strong marriage and decent parenting skills (not to brag, I know there are areas that we can improve on– but our boys are healthy, happy  and well adjusted kids).  My job as a special ed teacher will help me advocate for them in school– as I’m sure that they will have certain struggles related to their past.  NOT doing it because we are scared or worried about failing is not an option.

So.. that’s that.

Is it going to happen?  I have no idea.  In a perfect world things would move quickly, but my inlaws have spent the past week going through very rigorous demands by CPS in order to be granted custody.

I need to have an in depth conversation with hubby about it (I mentioned it quickly yesterday but our friends were visiting for the night, and we didn’t really get a chance to talk about it).  We need to talk to his parents, who might not agree with it and that is ok too.  We need to make plans to add a 2nd story.  There are a lot of factors, but I know that the Universe and God will guide me and all I need to do is to be aware and pay attention.  Whatever is supposed to happen WILL happen, and I can live peacefully knowing that.

The kids are 14, 5 and 4 by the way.

Another Relapse 

One week ago I started drinking again.  I hate writing that, saying that, thinking about that.

I think it had to do with control.  There was a lot going on that I had no control over.  I spent the past few weeks white knuckling it and had not kept up on my recovery tools and activities.  I was so tired of not having control over things– including my own thoughts that were telling me to drink.  Deciding to drink felt like it was the one thing that I could control.  I realize that this paragraph makes very little sense.  In recovery they say that you are either working on recovery or a relapse and I can see where my focus shifted.

The good news is that after drinking several days this past week, I am so incredibly excited to get back on track.  There is so much misery to active addiction– physically, mentally, spiritually.  I miss the AF me!  I cannot wait to get back to being physically active, strengthening my spiritual practices and living with that feeling of peace that comes from being substance free.  I’ve proven that I can do it and be happy and free ❤

creating-your-own-loving-life-formula

 

 

 

Cousin Summer and the Return of My Disease

July 24, 2018

This summer has been the most cousinest summer ever!  Given 10 random days, at least 9 of them would include at least 1 cousin hanging at our house.  It has been nice having a full house.

My 14 year old nephew has been living with his grandparents, my inlaws.  They live behind us and he has always been close with my 15 year old, so he’s been over more days then not.

My 12 year old nephew from Florida has been in Michigan for the past few weeks.  Being between my own kids ages, he gets along well with both of them and has spent a majority of this time at our house.  He is leaving this Sunday and I am already getting sad about saying goodbye.  He is very loving and affectionate, giving me random hugs and saying hi to me whenever he sees me, even if it’s when he is coming in from the backyard, lol.

I’ve also been blessed to spend a lot of time with my 14 year old niece.  Mostly when we’ve been up north, but she did come and stay the night with us last week- which she hasn’t done in over a year (she used to spend A LOT of time with us when she was younger, and I miss it!).  It’s a real treat to have another girl here!  She is a good one too, she will dance with me to Christmas music in July and loves Milky Chance and Skip-Bo as much as I do.

So, yeah!  The only downside is that my boys have spent less time with school friends than they normally would.  But I am so grateful that they’ve had so much time with their cousins ❤

My (other) disease….

Do you remember my post in May about the last visit I had with my rheumatologist?  I was PUMPED!  She went through a list of my previous ailments, some of which I forgot I ever had.  I felt like a million bucks and So. Incredibly. Grateful.

My stupid RA has returned with a vengeance.  I’m trying to remain calm and with a good attitude but it is trying.   It started at Boy Scout camp with back and shoulder pain.  I woke up early yesterday morning with a throbbing foot and shoulder pain whenever I moved.  My foot pain is usually bad when I walk on it, I’ve never had such pain from just laying there.  It was kind of frightening.  I called my rheumatologist and she called me in a Medrol Pack.  SO, it feels a lot better today, but each day my dose will decrease and it might come back as bad.  The only other solution is to take prednisone long term, but that drug is hard on your body 😦

So that’s that and is really frustrating and kind of scary.  I could barely stomach looking at my seized up foot last night.  I hate RA!!!

Ok– enough negativity.  This has been a GOOD summer.

My hematologist visit was fine.  They want me to get iron infusions.  I got one last week and go for my 2nd today.  THEN, I have a recheck in a few weeks.  Hopefully it helps my anemia.

My 12 year old nephew really wants to go to the cottage before he returns to Florida, so we are going up tomorrow morning and coming home the next day.  I am looking forward to a laid back quick trip up there.

Hubby’s vacation is next week and we will be back up at the cottage.  We will hopefully get to go to Mackinac Island for a day trip and ride our bikes around the island.  It is such a beautiful and serene ride!  Mackinac Island is a majectical place.  There are no cars allowed and it is a mix of country roads and small city streets.  It reminds me of being in the land of Oz.  (pics of the island below)

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