Day 90 * 3 Months * Hot Diggity

I’ve been meaning to write, but haven’t felt motivated.  I wanted to do a quick check in at day 90.

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Life. Is. So. Good.  School is out for the summer.  The pool is refreshing and steps from my doorwall.  The garden is thriving and the hot days are lazy.  The highlight of my days are after dinner when hubby and I typically take a bike ride.  I pledged to ride 150 miles this month to raise money to fight pediatric cancer.  So far I’ve ridden 105.

I haven’t been reading or writing as much as I want to.  I’ve been waking up later than I would like and hastily chugging coffee before heading out to daily errands/appointments.  I’m trying to get caught up with things but think it will slow down soon.

Cravings and Urges 

We went up north last Friday to relax and celebrate our 17th anniversary.  I thought I would be fine.  After all, I thought I mastered staying sober at the cottage.  It sure took some practice, but by the end of last summer, I was used to and enjoyed going to bed sober there.

Shortly after arriving, Betsy started chirping in my ear about how nice it would be to relax with hubby and some drinks. After all, celebrating our anniversary was a joyous occasion and a good excuse to get wasted.  I listened to her enough to bring it up to hubby.  His response was:

“What day are you on?”  and “No.  We’ll get some good snacks and yummy NA drinks to enjoy.”

I know that he would probably have enjoyed a few beers and kind of wanted him to agree to a few drinks.  I’m thankful that he is smart and cares about me enough to not contribute to a relapse.  Let’s get real, it would not have been a night or two of drinks.  It would have been a binge for days or weeks and probably would have taken me months to get back into a total abstinence pattern.  It’s kind of frightening to think that I came that close to throwing away 83 days.

The weekend was good.   We bought 2 hard kayaks and 1 tandem blow up kayak at Walmart.  The blow up one deflated and the hard ones ended up getting water on the inside of the boat (not where you sit.. but on the inside where you can’t reach into– pretty much the worse design ever!).  Needless to say, it was a long and treacherous day of kayaking and we ended up taking them all right back to the store.

We are going back up tomorrow for the weekend and taking the scout troop with us. It should be an eventful weekend…

Self Care

I had my first wellness visit in the longest time yesterday.  It felt good to honestly say that I don’t smoke or drink at all, and that my worst vice is 3+ cups of daily coffee.  Tomorrow morning first thing, I get to have my very first mammogram done!  Blood work from my rheumatologist always shows that I’m anemic and she always wants me to follow up with my dr. So, I did that yesterday and now I have to go to a hematologist.  All of these visits are kind of nerve wracking to anticipate– but at least if there is a problem then I’ll have a chance to get it treated.   Maybe if they can fix my anemia I won’t be so tired sometimes (I am just waking up from a 3:00 siesta as I write this.. my 30 minute afternoon naps do wonders).

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Sooooo..  that is all.   This is probably my most boring and dull post– but I wanted to check in, especially at day 90– a milestone day.  The longest stretch of sobriety that I have ever is 93 days and I am SUPER excited to surpass that and to reach triple digits!

 

 

Two Me’s

I’m really excited warriors! I’m back on board– hopefully for the last time! I’m not sure why some people seem to have a big AHA…… moment and they enter recovery to never look back. I want that! I’m so tired of relapses and not sure why I keep putting myself through it.

I had an interesting experience today. My school is hiring a 2nd special ed teacher and I was asked to be on the interview team. So… I had to get up early today and was not planning on drinking last night. BUT.. there’s alcohol in the house and I have zero control. So I felt and probably looked like SH&% this morning. We only had 2 candidates to interview (both named Elizabeth, which was kind of funny).

I liked the first one (she actually reminded me of myself– very low key) but my special ed director and principal didn’t really like her. They said she seemed low energy and almost like she took an anxiety pill. She had mentioned that she has kids at home with ADHD and they actually suggested she was nervous and took her kids’ medicine before the interview! Talk about a WOW moment. I don’t know why that was such a surprise to me, but I didn’t pick up on it at all and was kind of annoyed that they were being so mean. The second girl came in with a big smile and clear eyes. She was really good and the one who we unanimously agreed on.

I could l see myself in both women and on the way home I reflected–WHO do I want to be? The tired Me with a constant hangover? Puffy eyes and face, hands shaking, nothing gets done because I spend my evening getting knockered and my days feeling like shit and hating myself? Or the Me that doesn’t drink anymore? The one who can ride my bike 150 miles in a month, who gets up early to walk the dog and spends the weekend doing things that makes me happy because I AM happy and I HAVE the energy to do these things.

So.. I think I’m ready for another serious go at this. Goals help me. Last time, on March 23rd, I visualized 100 days at the beginning of July. I MADE it to 100 days- but then relapsed like 20 days later. I want a year and I want to write a book about this entire journey– my super long journey that has had many pitfalls. I know my mind is pretty serious because I have a full box of wine in the garage. I can’t bring myself to dump it– it just seems like such a waste! So I listed it in my local free group. Other times, I would be like “I’ll finish that box and THEN quit..”  I’m ready– so ready.

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Two Very Different Meetings

Today is Tuesday and it has been a successful week so far.  I want to also celebrate the fact, that besides that funk I found myself in early on, this summer has pretty much been free of depression.  This tells me that I am nurturing my soul and living in a way that makes my heart happy.  Summer is typically a time that it is easy for me to fall prey to a slump.

I made it to two meetings yesterday!

The first was the noon AA meeting that I attended occasionally last summer and really liked.  I was on a mission to find a sponsor and when an older lady sat at my table and we started to make small talk, I asked her if she sponsored and if she would sponsor me.  She said yes!

I took a chance and I’m glad I did.  We will start working in about 10 days when she is done with her probation.  I also had a chance to make small talk with a woman about my age who just accomplished her first 30 days.  I had shared about my recent relapse and she asked for details after the meeting.  I was very open with her about my experience.  She also works for the schools and is nervous about going back to work and not having time for so many meetings (she is currently in an outpatient program).  I can totally relate but told her that in my experience, summer is the toughest time to stay sober because of all of the unstructured time, freedom and generally people doing a lot of partying.  It is so nice to connect with local people who are in recovery.

The 2nd meeting was a little bit of a shit show.  It was a Refuge Recovery meeting and the location yesterday was at a Cat cafe.  If you don’t know what this is, it is a cafe where rescue cats are free to roam around.  It helps to socialize them and also to help find potential adoptable families.  If you are not familiar with Refuge Recovery, it is Buddhist based and mediation is a big part of it.

Since two of my favorite things are cats and meditation, I thought this was absolutely PURRRRRFECT!  And even better was the fact that it was an open meeting, so I asked my hubby to go with me.  My hubby is a very reserved and quiet man.  I’m pretty sure that accompanying me to this meeting nearly killed him, but he is sweet so he did it anyway.

The meeting started off well.  Cats were everywhere and the 10 people attending the meeting included a diverse crowd of about ages 20-50.

We started with a guided meditation, which I have to say that I really enjoyed.  Near the end, I heard a woman crying (or laughing?) and some commotion.  I learned after the meditation was over that one of the cats urinated in the donation money basket and also on the facilitator’s shoes!  It was really pretty funny.

Next, we read a section from the Refuge Recovery book.  I enjoyed the reading and could relate to the topic.

Lastly,  each person had a chance to share.  This is where things got strange.  It was very different from AA– where you have a mix of people who have just begun the program and are struggling and people who are years sober and who still work and believe in the program and promote it–but for the most part is positive and optimistic.

This was entirely different.  Everyone who shared seemed to be in a really dark place.  Sharers included a couple of young men who often had to fight the urge to kill themselves, a doctor of philosophy who expressed her “rage” from all of the negativity she felt at the meeting and the bad cats while we were meditating and that she was so tired of the families she worked with who didn’t understand that their loved one isn’t the only one in pain and the fact that they made her “rage” (she was a scary one, I noted the quickest way out while she was sharing because it appeared that she may start to “rage” at any moment), and a young woman who recently relapsed and was high on drugs.  She was at the meeting because she was a few days free from alcohol and once she was 8 days free from alcohol she was going across the country to rehab.  She was hitting all the meetings she could to hit that 8 days, but it was so strange to be at a meeting with someone who openly admitted to being high.

An older gentleman approached me after the meeting.  I had shared that it was my first RR meeting and he reassured me that last night was an anomaly.  He told me that I should try going to the temple and that it would be a much different experience, and that meditation had done wonders for him and his chronic pain (which was strange because RA causes me chronic pain, but he didn’t know that).  He also defended the meeting and said that people felt like they could be 100% authentic and real.  I appreciated his insight.

I left feeling so drained afterwards and sad that my hubby’s first and probably only meeting was so negative.  We talked about the sadness we felt on the way home and that each person that shared at the meeting could easily be a friend or colleague.  I left feeling like if I ever wanted to go to another RR meeting, I would try a different one and would never go back to the cat cafe.

After a full night’s sleep, I had a different opinion.  Maybe hearing people share from the pit of addiction is beneficial for me in some ways.  I had regretted taking hubby with me, but maybe it was good for him to see this– to help him understand some of the demons that I’m facing.  I might actually go back to that cat cafe!  At the very least, I definitely want to check out a large group meditation at the temple.

Well, that’s my update!  I’m happy to write a positive post and excited about my progress ❤

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Summer Houseboat

I’ve decided that my summer is like living on a houseboat.

During the summer, routines and consistencies change often- daily or even momentarily.

Storms come in and waves crash overboard, leaving me unbalanced and shaky.

I can stay docked and that allows me to seek the safe shelter with a strong foundation when the storms come in.

But when I’m out on the water, in my houseboat, I don’t have the reliable foundation to stay safe and grounded.

Summer is a mix of having my houseboat docked and safe and being out in the middle of the sea both in calm weather and roaring winds.

What to do?

I need to keep building my infrastructure.  I need to put my foundation first and foremost.  An impromptu trip to the cottage doesn’t mean that I don’t have to attend meetings (yes, there are meetings close by, no excuses) or get in my daily workout and meditation routine.  An unexpected visit from a friend from out of town doesn’t mean the self care goes down the toilet.  Suddenly having to watch my niece and nephew doesn’t mean I can blow off the reading I promised to do or the list I was going to work on.

THESE are excuses.   Making excuses to STOP doing these things will weaken my will and cause my stable houseboat to blow into the inevitable storm with nothing to hold onto.

I like summer and I like my houseboat, but I despise defeat.

No matter what time of year it is, I must work hard to be victorious ❤ ❤ ❤

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26 Reasons Why Sobriety Rocks

  1. Being able to remember last night
  2. Not having to worry about what you said or did
  3. Waking up with a clear head
  4. Waking up without a pounding headache, physical aches and general feelings of physical and mental angst
  5. Enjoying the taste of an AF drink
  6. Having enough energy to exercise
  7. The physical, mental and spiritual growth from working on recovery
  8. General feeling of happiness
  9. Feeling like you are truly living your best life
  10. Daily connections with other sober individuals
  11. Spending quality time with friends and family
  12. Being able to hop in the car 24/7 if needed
  13. Saving money by not buying poison
  14. NOT thinking about alcohol 24/7
  15. Feeling like a rebel when you drink caffeine past 9pm on a Friday night
  16. Being able to be more productive
  17. Lack of horrible hangovers that snatch the entire day
  18. Lack of guilt and shame feelings
  19. Increase in self confidence
  20. Brighter skin
  21. Lack of impulse buys
  22. Not feeling like alcohol has you in shackles
  23. Not worrying about if “they’ll” find out your secret
  24. Not having to go to multiple stores to buy alcohol so “they” don’t find you out
  25. Not worrying about when or if you will hit rock bottom, and what that will be
  26. Feeling like your spouse (or mom or dad or best friend or brother) is proud, not ashamed of you

25 Reasons Why I Hate Drinking

  1. Waking up panicked about what I said, if my kid got his nightly insulin dose, where my phone is, etc etc etc
  2. Feeling physically drained while drinking and the next day
  3. The headaches and general body aches
  4. Worrying about what I said or did
  5. Guilty feelings and feeling like I’ve let my family down
  6. Wanting to stop but not knowing if the evening urge will overcome me
  7. Lack of productivity
  8. Overall feeling of dark blackness
  9. Lack of sleep
  10. Increased general anxiety
  11. Dependence and needing it daily
  12. Spending money on it
  13. Having to pretend that everything is ok
  14. Feeling like I am not living my best life
  15. Wasted time that could’ve been spent with my family
  16. Uncertainty of the future
  17. Thinking about drinking 24/7– obsessing over it
  18. Embarrassment I must cause my hubby when I drink too much around his family
  19. Not remembering going to bed
  20. Having to face videos or pics taken of me passed out or saying stupid things the night before
  21. Making promises or plans that I know I won’t follow through with
  22. Drunk texts or Facebook posts
  23. Losing my spirit literally
  24. Having no motivation to foster my health (my diet and exercise suffers when I’m actively drinking)
  25. The way it sucks the joy out of everything good in my life

 

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Control

Epiphany Part II

Back in early June I wrote about an epiphany I had while on a bike ride.  In short, a strong thought entered my head to buy the house my inlaws were about to put on the market.  It was shortly after my mom’s death and it was a pretty strong and clear message.  It scared me a little because I wasn’t sure what the purpose was and thought that maybe one of us (me, hubby or one of the kids) was going to die and we would need the support of family members nearby.

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We’ve had a difficult situation brewing in my husband’s family.  In May, my mother and father in law were called up from Florida because CPS had taken their grandkids (My hubby’s sister’s kids).  His sister had left her husband and moved out of the house.  At some point, CPS was called and intervened and he was deemed an unfit parent.  My inlaws rushed back to Michigan from Florida to get the kids.  They helped the sister and her kids get into a shelter for abused and battered women.  The kids were not in good shape, they were neglected and dirty.

So up until now, they’ve been trying to help the sister get her life under control, get a job and get out of the shelter.

Last week CPS deemed her unfit and took the kids from her.  She has lost them for at least 12 months and if it drags to 18 she will lose them permanently.

My MIL and FIL have temporary custody and plan to keep them for the 12 months.  They are in their 60’s and are completely exhausted whenever they have taken these kids for short periods of time.  I have no idea how they will manage 12 months!  Before the sister lost them and this became reality, we have talked about taking them.  We shy away for numerous reasons (we don’t have enough bedrooms/space, they are very needy and can be difficult due to the trauma they’ve endured, the needs of our own kids, having to deal  and basically because we’re not sure that we are fit to do it, physically, emotionally, mentally…).

I was driving home from the cottage yesterday when my mind started wandering.  It became clear as day to me that we NEED to step up for these kids.  We have a basic 3 bedroom ranch, but can ADD space.  We have a strong marriage and decent parenting skills (not to brag, I know there are areas that we can improve on– but our boys are healthy, happy  and well adjusted kids).  My job as a special ed teacher will help me advocate for them in school– as I’m sure that they will have certain struggles related to their past.  NOT doing it because we are scared or worried about failing is not an option.

So.. that’s that.

Is it going to happen?  I have no idea.  In a perfect world things would move quickly, but my inlaws have spent the past week going through very rigorous demands by CPS in order to be granted custody.

I need to have an in depth conversation with hubby about it (I mentioned it quickly yesterday but our friends were visiting for the night, and we didn’t really get a chance to talk about it).  We need to talk to his parents, who might not agree with it and that is ok too.  We need to make plans to add a 2nd story.  There are a lot of factors, but I know that the Universe and God will guide me and all I need to do is to be aware and pay attention.  Whatever is supposed to happen WILL happen, and I can live peacefully knowing that.

The kids are 14, 5 and 4 by the way.

Another Relapse 

One week ago I started drinking again.  I hate writing that, saying that, thinking about that.

I think it had to do with control.  There was a lot going on that I had no control over.  I spent the past few weeks white knuckling it and had not kept up on my recovery tools and activities.  I was so tired of not having control over things– including my own thoughts that were telling me to drink.  Deciding to drink felt like it was the one thing that I could control.  I realize that this paragraph makes very little sense.  In recovery they say that you are either working on recovery or a relapse and I can see where my focus shifted.

The good news is that after drinking several days this past week, I am so incredibly excited to get back on track.  There is so much misery to active addiction– physically, mentally, spiritually.  I miss the AF me!  I cannot wait to get back to being physically active, strengthening my spiritual practices and living with that feeling of peace that comes from being substance free.  I’ve proven that I can do it and be happy and free ❤

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Cousin Summer and the Return of My Disease

July 24, 2018

This summer has been the most cousinest summer ever!  Given 10 random days, at least 9 of them would include at least 1 cousin hanging at our house.  It has been nice having a full house.

My 14 year old nephew has been living with his grandparents, my inlaws.  They live behind us and he has always been close with my 15 year old, so he’s been over more days then not.

My 12 year old nephew from Florida has been in Michigan for the past few weeks.  Being between my own kids ages, he gets along well with both of them and has spent a majority of this time at our house.  He is leaving this Sunday and I am already getting sad about saying goodbye.  He is very loving and affectionate, giving me random hugs and saying hi to me whenever he sees me, even if it’s when he is coming in from the backyard, lol.

I’ve also been blessed to spend a lot of time with my 14 year old niece.  Mostly when we’ve been up north, but she did come and stay the night with us last week- which she hasn’t done in over a year (she used to spend A LOT of time with us when she was younger, and I miss it!).  It’s a real treat to have another girl here!  She is a good one too, she will dance with me to Christmas music in July and loves Milky Chance and Skip-Bo as much as I do.

So, yeah!  The only downside is that my boys have spent less time with school friends than they normally would.  But I am so grateful that they’ve had so much time with their cousins ❤

My (other) disease….

Do you remember my post in May about the last visit I had with my rheumatologist?  I was PUMPED!  She went through a list of my previous ailments, some of which I forgot I ever had.  I felt like a million bucks and So. Incredibly. Grateful.

My stupid RA has returned with a vengeance.  I’m trying to remain calm and with a good attitude but it is trying.   It started at Boy Scout camp with back and shoulder pain.  I woke up early yesterday morning with a throbbing foot and shoulder pain whenever I moved.  My foot pain is usually bad when I walk on it, I’ve never had such pain from just laying there.  It was kind of frightening.  I called my rheumatologist and she called me in a Medrol Pack.  SO, it feels a lot better today, but each day my dose will decrease and it might come back as bad.  The only other solution is to take prednisone long term, but that drug is hard on your body 😦

So that’s that and is really frustrating and kind of scary.  I could barely stomach looking at my seized up foot last night.  I hate RA!!!

Ok– enough negativity.  This has been a GOOD summer.

My hematologist visit was fine.  They want me to get iron infusions.  I got one last week and go for my 2nd today.  THEN, I have a recheck in a few weeks.  Hopefully it helps my anemia.

My 12 year old nephew really wants to go to the cottage before he returns to Florida, so we are going up tomorrow morning and coming home the next day.  I am looking forward to a laid back quick trip up there.

Hubby’s vacation is next week and we will be back up at the cottage.  We will hopefully get to go to Mackinac Island for a day trip and ride our bikes around the island.  It is such a beautiful and serene ride!  Mackinac Island is a majectical place.  There are no cars allowed and it is a mix of country roads and small city streets.  It reminds me of being in the land of Oz.  (pics of the island below)

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Sober Summer

It is July 17th and 116 days sober.  The summer is going too fast.  The beginning was terrific, but now I’m finding myself in a lull.

I’ve come uncomfortably close to drinking the past two weeks.  Once (or a couple days) when we were up in Tawas for the 4th of July and again when my BFF Debbie came down to visit me.

I’m so thankful that I didn’t drink and start that cycle again.

Why am I walking so close to the edge?

The answer is simple.  The past two weeks have been insane, and this week is too.  Between being out of town, present for my dad for his procedure, dealing with some of my own health appointments and getting a kid ready for camp and myself ready to join him this week has left me completely spent!

Too much to do and too much that’s not getting done.   I am not meditating, not reading, writing and connecting like I should, not exercising regularly, and not attending meetings— NONE so far this summer.  

The last one bugs me the most.  I thought I’d get back to the noon meetings during summer vacation, but I haven’t been to one yet!  It seems that every day there is something else going on and it just keeps getting put on the back burner.

I am leaving tomorrow morning for scout camp, so the meetings will have to wait.  I will be able to get grounded reading, writing, exercising and meditating at camp.

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Triple Digits: Highs and Lows, and the Waiting Game

Life is filled with highs and lows.  I used to use it all as an excuse to drink.

Promotion?  Celebrate!  Stressful day? Drink it away!  Upcoming nerve racking appointment or procedure?  Drink!  Hanging with the girls?  Cheers!

It was all an excuse to drink.  I’m thankful that this isn’t my life right now.  The crutch which can hold you deep within its grasp is non-existent to me right now– and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Lots of highs this past week

We spent last week up north with family.  It was tiring, but nice.  It was the week of the 4th of July.  We got new beds for the cottage (sleeping is SO much better!), rented a pontoon boat (SO much fun!) and the weather could not have been better.  We went to Luzerne, after not visiting for about 2 years.  We got to visit dad and my kids stayed the night with him and got to ride the quads.   Hubby and I got in 2 decent bike rides, which was nice.

Lots of lows too

The anniversary of my mom’s death was on July 3rd– always a difficult day.  This is the day we rented a boat, so I guess it was a mixed bag.  We were thankful to be with family and having a great time.

I was trying to forget about real life up north, but my dad is having a long heart procedure today (Monday July 9th) and I have an appointment with a hematologist tomorrow, which I’ve been anxious and dreading.  It all was in the back of my mind.  And sadly, on the 4th I almost threw in my sobriety towel.  I would have thrown away over 100 days!  My dad had our kids and hubby and sister and I went to a karaoke bar and I felt like drinking.   I was the DD and did not drink at all.  I still had fun, so I suppose it was a success, but I still can’t believe that I almost listened to that witch Betsy!  Thought she was dead already!

The waiting game 

Oldest sister and I have been at the hospital since 6:30 am.  It’s almost noon.  Dad is half-way done with his procedure.  Things are going good so far.  I am praying hard that this will fix his afib.  Afib is awful and when his heart is out of rhythm he can hardly breathe.

I’m running on about 3 hours of sleep.  Slept at dad’s last night so that we could get him here nice and early.  Couldn’t sleep due to being in an unfamiliar place and having anxiety about today.  We lost our mom in July after she had surgery.  Can’t even imagine losing another parent right now.

I’m trying to live in the moment, relax and not play a horror story in my head that hasn’t happened.  That’s easier said than done.

I’d just like today to be over and everything to be ok.  Even better after my appointment is done tomorrow.  Hopefully they will give me an oral iron supplement– or worse case iron infusions.  I hope they don’t need to test my bone marrow or find blood cancer! (there I go again, making up a horror story– nonsense!!!).

Ok– just wanted to give a quick update.

Overall this has been my favorite summer so far.  Besides that one small spell, I haven’t been in a funk and am in a good place physically, spiritually and mentally.  Today is day 108 and if you would have told me a few years ago that I would have a summer of no drinking and it would be my happiest summer yet, I would have told you to shut the front door!

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Day 96, Let’s Not Get Funky

My spirits were up yesterday and it seems as though (at least for now) I am out of that funk!  Perhaps it was just a grouchy mood on Monday recovering from the crazy & somewhat annoying weekend.

After I wrote, I meditated, took the dog for a walk and then did a short running workout on the treadmill.  I took time after running to do some leg lifts– working different muscle groups.  I showered and then called my dad, prepared to head to my grandma’s with both kids to visit.  Because of my uncle’s birthday on Thursday, my dad switched his days and was not at my grandma’s– SO there wasn’t a great reason for me to go (THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!).

The kids and I needed to eat, and my lunch stash is meager so we headed out and had lunch at Olga’s.  Afterwards, we went looking for a desk for my youngest’s room and got a few groceries.

It was an easy evening, leftovers for dinner so I didn’t need to cook.  The kids did their chores and picked up the house.

When hubby got home, we ate and then ran up to Performance Bicycle to see if they had the bike he wanted for his birthday (his bike sucks, he has been riding our oldest’s when we go on rides).  When we were coming home I thought I spotted a fox in the next door neighbor’s yard during the split second that we drove by.  I walked to the back of our yard when we got home, not really expecting to see anything.  I was pleasantly surprised!

 

After watching the fox until it noticed me and ran away (there was actually 2, so we think they have a den really close and babies), we went for a 12 mile bike ride.  I hadn’t ridden my bike for several days and that probably contributed to my funk.

We didn’t get home until after 9:30 and the ride was cool and exhilarating– exactly what I needed.

My mood over the course of the day was happy and light.  MUCH better from the pissiness I felt on Monday, and sporadically since Friday.

Setting Limits

I don’t like feeling taken advantage of and was put in a situation last week that made me feel like this.  I had a (high maintenance) mom ask when my oldest could “hang out” with her son.  I told her that Wednesday or Thursday of this week would be good and was curious about “where” they would hang out.  The kid isn’t always the easiest kid (he is the emotionally impaired kid from scouts) but what is worse is his parents who are super anal, let him call all shots, beckon to his call and whim and are just downright anxious and annoying.  USUALLY when the parents call to set up a play day (or hang out session, now that they’re teenagers), they want to do it at our house (it’s easier for them).  Well this time she didn’t even ask where– she just asked if she could drop her kid off at 11.  OK– at our house it is!!

It probably wouldn’t have bothered me as much if I didn’t have to deal with him and his dad over the weekend.  They can be difficult to be with.  The way they argue back and forth and the way this kid behaves for his parents sometime is downright appalling.

I need to learn how to say no and set limits.  I set up this hang out session because we will be up north next week, the following week my dad is having surgery and the week after that is scout camp.  So REALLY this was the best time to squeeze it in.  And as frustrating as it is for the mom to just expect me to host, it really overall is easier for me.  So I sucked it up– but think it definitely contributed to my pissiness.

Medical Woas

Another factor that I believe has contributed to my funk is my health– and the fact that my dad is having surgery on his heart in a couple weeks.

My dad has had afib for over a year now.  He’s had his heart shocked back into rhythm several times— which always worked well short term.  Afib is awful and he really doesn’t know how he is going to feel day-to-day and moment-to-moment.  He is going in on July 9th to have an ablation done on his heart.  Basically they cauterize the damaged parts (which they won’t know how extensive the damage is until they get in there).  It’s an 8 hour procedure and pretty much freaking me out.  I lost my mom in July after a surgical procedure.  I’m also scared that he will go through this and it won’t be effective.  I think I have a pretty good mindset about it though.  I am SO GRATEFUL that he has something that CAN be fixed, and not terminal cancer with a short life expectancy.  I’m also putting 100% faith into God and asking him to watch over my dad during this time.  BUT I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t in the back of my mind pretty much all of the time.

I had a wellness checkup last week.  It went pretty well, but I had my doctor follow up on my anemic blood work results (for over a year now, the blood work results from my rheumatologist always comes back as anemic and she always tells me to follow up with my doctor– which I never do– until now).  I figured I just needed to be more consistent with taking my iron supplement and probably needed to be better about getting more iron in my diet.

Well, she wants me to see a hematologist and said I might have a “bone marrow” problem.  Not sure exactly what that means, but the mere thought of checking my bone marrow makes me sick to my stomach (I mean, they have to go through the bone to get to it..).

So that’s been a bit of a stressor and I’m not sure why but since that visit I have been completely exhausted, requiring at least 8 hours of sleep plus a daily 30 minute afternoon nap.  Now I was anemic, working full time and getting up at 5 am to workout several times per week and survived without this exhaustion.  The only thing I can figure is that this “problem” has gotten into my head and it’s more of a mental thing.   My appointment with the hematologist isn’t until July 10th– the day after my dad’s surgery.  That is going to be one fun week!

Ok.. all that yuckiness unloaded feels pretty good.  Today isn’t going to be a ton of fun.  It is raining and supposed to rain all day.  The teen’s naughty friend is getting dropped off in a couple hours.  Later I have to take both boys to get their physical for camp.  Fun fun fun!

Tomorrow, Friday and the weekend will be good.  HOT and sunny, I plan to bike ride, swim and read while floating in the pool.  We are going up north next week to celebrate the 4th.  It will be fun and festive and nice to hang out with my dad up there.

That’s all I’ve got!  I’m so glad I unloaded 🙂

Peace Out ❤