Day 90 * 3 Months * Hot Diggity

I’ve been meaning to write, but haven’t felt motivated.  I wanted to do a quick check in at day 90.



Life. Is. So. Good.  School is out for the summer.  The pool is refreshing and steps from my doorwall.  The garden is thriving and the hot days are lazy.  The highlight of my days are after dinner when hubby and I typically take a bike ride.  I pledged to ride 150 miles this month to raise money to fight pediatric cancer.  So far I’ve ridden 105.

I haven’t been reading or writing as much as I want to.  I’ve been waking up later than I would like and hastily chugging coffee before heading out to daily errands/appointments.  I’m trying to get caught up with things but think it will slow down soon.

Cravings and Urges 

We went up north last Friday to relax and celebrate our 17th anniversary.  I thought I would be fine.  After all, I thought I mastered staying sober at the cottage.  It sure took some practice, but by the end of last summer, I was used to and enjoyed going to bed sober there.

Shortly after arriving, Betsy started chirping in my ear about how nice it would be to relax with hubby and some drinks. After all, celebrating our anniversary was a joyous occasion and a good excuse to get wasted.  I listened to her enough to bring it up to hubby.  His response was:

“What day are you on?”  and “No.  We’ll get some good snacks and yummy NA drinks to enjoy.”

I know that he would probably have enjoyed a few beers and kind of wanted him to agree to a few drinks.  I’m thankful that he is smart and cares about me enough to not contribute to a relapse.  Let’s get real, it would not have been a night or two of drinks.  It would have been a binge for days or weeks and probably would have taken me months to get back into a total abstinence pattern.  It’s kind of frightening to think that I came that close to throwing away 83 days.

The weekend was good.   We bought 2 hard kayaks and 1 tandem blow up kayak at Walmart.  The blow up one deflated and the hard ones ended up getting water on the inside of the boat (not where you sit.. but on the inside where you can’t reach into– pretty much the worse design ever!).  Needless to say, it was a long and treacherous day of kayaking and we ended up taking them all right back to the store.

We are going back up tomorrow for the weekend and taking the scout troop with us. It should be an eventful weekend…

Self Care

I had my first wellness visit in the longest time yesterday.  It felt good to honestly say that I don’t smoke or drink at all, and that my worst vice is 3+ cups of daily coffee.  Tomorrow morning first thing, I get to have my very first mammogram done!  Blood work from my rheumatologist always shows that I’m anemic and she always wants me to follow up with my dr. So, I did that yesterday and now I have to go to a hematologist.  All of these visits are kind of nerve wracking to anticipate– but at least if there is a problem then I’ll have a chance to get it treated.   Maybe if they can fix my anemia I won’t be so tired sometimes (I am just waking up from a 3:00 siesta as I write this.. my 30 minute afternoon naps do wonders).


Sooooo..  that is all.   This is probably my most boring and dull post– but I wanted to check in, especially at day 90– a milestone day.  The longest stretch of sobriety that I have ever is 93 days and I am SUPER excited to surpass that and to reach triple digits!



Pity Party: Time for a Gratuity List

Honestly, I have been SO crabby the past 2 days I can’t even stand myself! I could not sleep well on Sunday so I was so tired all day Monday. Slept very well last night (Monday) but I’m drinking only decaf tea & was just groggy & not well all day. Also woke up with sore feet (yes plural & that sucks because usually it’s just 1 foot).

I’m SO tired of the meals I’m eating & am hangry most of the time. And to top it off I bought f’in diatomaceous earth to start ingesting to help this inflammation. I’m. Going. To. Eat. Fossilized. Algae. 😱😱😱. PLEASE, someone call me a WAAAAAMBULANCE!!!

Ok my point of posting this is that I am not acting grateful & need to start. Making a gratuity list. #1 on my list is DAY 17 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. Ugh— can’t wait for this funk to pass!!!!! 🤦🏽‍♀️

I’m Thankful Today

  1. Day 17 of sobriety
  2. Day 16 of elimination diet
  3. I don’t have a life threatening illness
  4. None of my immediate family have a life threatening illness
  5. Hubby treats me well and works hard and is a great father
  6. Kids are doing well in school
  7. I’ve lost weight and fit into my clothes better
  8. Thankful for having enough money to buy supplements that could help my RA
  9. My manicure still looks nice
  10. I like my job
  11. I like my coworkers
  12. My furbabies give me so much love
  13. Being able to get braces next month
  14. Being able to get all of the problems my teeth have fixed
  15. Selling (and buying 🙂 ) Avon again
  16. Our new fireplaces
  17. Being able to have an area to set up for meditation/yoga
  18. Good friends who are always there for me (Debbie)
  19. Chai tea lattes
  20. Tigernut butter

That’s all I have right now.  PHEW– already I feel lighter and happier!  ❤



The Price of Over Indulgence

Hi everyone!  I haven’t written in forever.  This won’t be a long post– I just wanted to check in quickly.

Things have been good here.  As you probably know from my past posts, my Rheumatoid Arthritis returned with a vengeance in July.  I had many pains and swelling.  I was taking Humira every 2 weeks which controlled the disease up until this point.  I was so painful I ended up going on Methylprednisolone about 5 times since July.  This is a 6 day course of the steroid and while it made my aches and pains go away, it made me gain weight and feel puffy.  By the time I returned from work I felt awful, bloated and huge.  The brain fog was awful.

I knew that I had to do something because being on steroids all the time was not an option.  I had the elimination diet in the back of my mind because that worked for me before.  I was only on it for a few weeks and then my mom suddenly died.  After that summer I was never able to get back on track with it.  It can be hard to stick with.  You pretty much have to make everything from scratch and use pure and organic ingredients.

I was determined this time.

I think I wanted to prove to myself that regardless of life’s circumstances, I could do this successfully, SO I began the diet on a Monday after the weekend of our triathlon– in which we would be out of town for.  I shopped at 2 different stores to get everything I needed on Saturday morning before heading up to Bay City.  We hung out with our friends (we were staying the night at their house because they live about 10 minutes from the race) until late Saturday night.  On Sunday we got up early and finished the triathlon in about 3 hours– which was my goal.  My foot was ok because I was on steroids (last dose was that Saturday).

On a side note, which I don’t want to dwell on, the triathlon was AWESOME!  I was most worried about the canoeing portion as my upper body isn’t as strong and if the wind was strong or we were going against a strong current, I knew it would be very hard.  But I was able to paddle the entire time and we were not last 🙂  The bike part was also awesome and scenic, riding on closed roads over the bridge of the large river and through the little town.  The 5K was also very beautiful and scenic.  Hubby didn’t bring two pairs of shoes and was getting blisters from his shoes being wet from canoeing, and my foot was slightly painful- so we walked briskly the whole time.  The trail went right next to the river and on some boardwalks over the river.  Such a great place to be!  It was a great day and I definitely want to do another one sometime!

By the time we got home on Sunday it was like 4 or 5.  I spent the next several hours meal prepping for the week- something I knew would be crucial to the success of this diet.  I did have a successful week and thinking back, if I can do this after that crazy weekend then there is no excuse for me not to keep it up.

Tomorrow it will have been two weeks since starting.  My foot feels like it did when I was on steroids (minimal pain and I can wear most of my shoes, vs before when I could only wear flip flops).   I’m not completely pain free and am still pretty fatigued, but I’m hopeful that as my body continues to heal I will begin to feel better.  I never thought that  I could go this long without sugar and bread.

The diet definitely has its challenges.  For example, yesterday was a very busy Saturday.  We had a late lunch, then we were out and about and didn’t get home until around 8:00 pm.  We were all starving, but resisted the urge to stop for fast food on the way home.  I put in a whole chicken in the Instapot with some carrots, steamed some green beans and we had a late dinner but at least it was healthy!  Success 🙂

So.. that’s my story.  No alcohol– but that’s on the back burner for now.  I do want to get back to the steps and my recovery– but taking it one day at a time ❤

Labor Day 2018

Last year on this long weekend I was in the middle of a relapse.  I had a last hurrah weekend at the cottage & vaguely remembering day drinking before having to pack up & go home (I was not driving). 

Betsy has been whispering in my ear, but I’ve been able to squash her stupid A$$ conniving thoughts.  Happy to say that I’m going to bed sober.  It is an important night, it is the first day of school for students tomorrow— a big day for many.  

The whole weekend was low key but fabulous.  We spent a lot of time in the pool & with each other.  Hubby & oldest had a scout outing on Saturday, so my youngest & I had a date night & then got some school supply shopping done.  

On Sunday hubby & I had a date day.  We found a Segway tour rental nearby & was super excited to go, but it ended up being closed for the holiday weekend.  So we went to Walmart (I had to get clothes pins & spray paint for a school project— plus WHO wouldn’t want to spend time on a date at the Walmart?? 🤷🏼‍♀️) and then to a Japanese restaurant that had delicious sushi.  

Today I rode my bike for the first time in about a month.  We rode over 10 Miles in the hot sun. It was pure bliss.  This is what drinking takes from me, this & so much more!  We came home, swam, ate subs outside for lunch and then worked around the house & got the kids ready for tomorrow.  It was the perfect day really.  

I learned a valuable lesson from my last relapse. It is much easier to stay sober than to become sober. This last time I found it nearly impossible to stop. I would get 2 days & then drink over & over again.  

Today is day 6.  I am so grateful to be sober. I will remain grateful for every sober day ❤

Summer Reflections

Summer 2018 is coming to a close!  Well, technically, we have about a month left of summer, but summer vacation is almost history.  Today is Friday and I go back to work on Tuesday.  I was at school last week for a meeting and most teachers are already hard at work setting up their classrooms.  Most of the prep work that I need to do I can do from home, such as sending out IEPs at glance and trying to get my schedule set up– so I typically don’t go in until I’m required to.

The summer of ’18 was one of my favorites yet.  Normally over the summer there are many times that I am bored, lonely and get depressed.  Depressed– as in– barely having enough energy for a shower and being in a general funk for days.  I’m happy to say that I didn’t go through that this summer.  The reason, I’m pretty sure, is both external and internal.

I’ve made a ton of growth internally over the past several months and years.  By internally, I guess I mean mentally and spiritually.  I used to think that everyone was mad at me or didn’t like me– and I don’t know why I spent so much energy worrying about all of that.  I’m not sure when or how this changed, probably due to the self help books that I read, but I no longer worry about other people.  I’m sure this has helped me to not feel depressed and has helped me at times when I’m alone not feel so lonely.

Externally, the summer was bustling and busy, with little time to be feeling down.  Cousins and the kids’ friends were over constantly, and a lot of time was spent with family and friends in both July and August.

There was that terrible situation towards the end of July when my mother and father-in-law had to take their 3 grandkids.  Since then, I’ve gotten my dose of little ones! My own kids are older and it is nice to have smaller kids to hang out with.  We’ve taken them to the park, the cider mill, swimming and other fun things.  Also, my niece is going into kindergarten and is academically behind so I’ve been tutoring her for the past few weeks.  After our tutoring session, we make time to do something fun like taking the dog for a walk or baking muffins.  It’s been such a blessing to have that time with her.

Fun at the cider mill– my niece and my oldest 
Spending time with little ones is good for the heart and soul

It sounds like my sister in law might get custody back in a couple of months.  I can’t say that I feel good about it or support it.  I’m really anxious and scared about it, but that’s a story for another day.  For now they are happy and safe and I have enjoyed building a relationship with them.

Here are some summer highlights:

  • I learned how to use the weedwacker
  • I got all my teeth problems fixed and have an appointment set up for an orthodontist consultation (I’ve been putting this all off for YEARS)
  • I rode 154 miles on my bike during the month of June (my goal was 150)
  • Paid off my smaller private student loan and faced my large federal loan after a decade of avoiding it
  • Learned how to make falafel
  • Read, read, read!  Read some great books for fun and also some spiritual books– my favorite being The Four Agreements.
  • Started meditating daily
  • Started the summer with a strong streak of sobriety– recent relapse has taught me some good life lessons (story for another day)
  • Started seriously working the steps
  • Had some spiritual realizations which have provided me with internal calmness and clarity– I am ecstatic to be able to pick up on signs and messages
  • Got iron infusions and am no longer anemic
  • Planted a garden which has provided me with some delicious fresh peppers, tomatoes, zucchini and squash

Yes, this summer has been a great one!  Today is going to be another fantastic day.  I have a lunch date with a good friend from work and then I’m getting my hair done.  I still need to get some new work clothes, get my nails done, go school clothes shopping with my youngest and schedule an appointment to get new contact lens– all in good time.


Stuck in this Relapse

This is what I wrote shortly after my last relapse 7/28/18:

The good news is that after drinking several days this past week, I am so incredibly excited to get back on track.  There is so much misery to active addiction– physically, mentally, spiritually.  I miss the AF me!  I cannot wait to get back to being physically active, strengthening my spiritual practices and living with that feeling of peace that comes from being substance free.  I’ve proven that I can do it and be happy and free ❤

It’s about 3 weeks later and I’m still not back on track.  Still drinking nightly, still not exercising, working mildy on my soul with readings and my 12 step workbook.

WHY is this important?  Because when you kill the momentum with a relapse it is HARD to get back on track, beyond hard.  It can make you do crazy things.

Like… here is something crazy stupid.  Two days ago I woke up with a new resolve to STOP the drinking.  I had a full box and a box 1/4 full of wine in the garage.  I could throw away the 1/4 box but didn’t want to WASTE the full box.  So — what did I do?  I gave it away on my local Buy Nothing Facebook group.  I did not want to throw away a whole unopened box and thought that a normal drinker may enjoy it…

The Buy Nothing site requires you to creatively gift items and not just give to the first person who responds.  So I had people comment with a number and the number closest to mine by 5pm won.  I felt slightly guilty for giving away something that I know is an awful toxin- but was hoping that a normal drinker would win it and truly enjoy it– not all one sitting.

The girl who won was ecstatic!  She had just bought a camper and had a girl’s weekend scheduled and said it would be the perfect addition.  I felt so good about it!  She asked to pick it up the next day.

That night the wine witch started screaming at me and I still had all that wine in the garage.  I should have dumped out the 1/4 box I had left but I didn’t.  I decided that I would drink that and then stop (that’s funny).

Well I bet you could guess what I did next.  I opened that box that was meant for the winner of my contest.  WHO does that?   The entire time I was thinking about it and then opening the box, all I could think is how INSANE the whole situation is.   Insanity is another name for my addiction.

I try to learn from each relapse and setback.  I don’t think I ever wrote about the details that ultimately lead to my decision to open that first bottle.

My nephew was staying with us for the week before Boy Scout camp and the scene around our house was typically chaotic.  I was scheduled to go to scout camp and then up to Tawas immediately after for a girl’s weekend celebrating my sister’s birthday.  I was excited for the girl’s weekend and hubby kept remarking the week before that after having my nephew for so long and Boy Scout camp that it was a well deserved weekend of fun.  I was pumped!

Two nights before the girl’s weekend, while I was at camp, BAD things were happening.

At camp it was an ice cream social followed by a dance party.  My nephew (who is a part of the troop and who I was responsible for) kept disappearing and I learned that he was wanting to start a fight with another boy on the dance floor.  My own kid is very docile, I’m not used to dealing with this type of situation.  It was a highly stressful night– no fights ensued but I was on edge the whole time.

After the dance party we all got ready and went to bed.  As another parent said goodnight to the boys, we learned that my nephew was not in his tent.  It wasn’t a huge deal, he was sitting with the other troop that we shared the site with at the fire– but again, he was supposed to tell someone where he is at all times.  I had to have another stern talking to him and deal with some disrespectful actions.

As I laid in my cot my frustration grew.  I was annoyed with the disrespect that my nephew showed me and that I couldn’t enjoy myself because of the added stress.  I was also annoyed with my body.  I have rheumatoid arthritis and had been doing great (which I attributed to 100 days clean of alcohol) but my body was beginning to deceive me.  My shoulder and foot had progressively gotten worse throughout the week and were now throbbing as I sat in my annoyance.  WHY? I thought, WHY now, WHY here?

I wasn’t close to being ready for sleep so I reached out to my sister and let her know that I was SO excited for her birthday weekend.  Her text back let me know that there has been a change of plans.

Her daughter, who had just found out that she is pregnant, had most likely lost her baby.  My niece was beside herself with grief so my sister cancelled the girl’s weekend and arranged for us all to be at the cottage together to help console my niece.

While it made me sad and anxious, I knew that there was nothing I could do about it and accepted it.  As it turns out, by the way, she found out a couple weeks later that the baby was fine, but we had no idea of knowing that at the time.

I then texted my hubby, as we normally chatted before bed.  I didn’t like hearing what he had to say.

He had some news also.  His sister lost her kids for at least 12 months.  One of her kids is my nephew who was at camp with me.  My hubby had to get interviewed by CPS to let them know where he was at.  We were just so relieved that CPS didn’t come to camp to question my nephew.  I was so sad for him knowing that his life was about to change and he had no idea.

All this SHIT— WTF?????

I don’t know if it was that night, or the next day, but I made the conscious decision that after camp, when I got to the cottage, I was drinking.  My sisters weren’t too happy to hear (even though they are drinkers–they know my struggles and my journey).  I was completely ok with it– or so I said.  “People are losing their kids!” I shouted.  “I’m not going to stress over a few drinks!”

I knew it wouldn’t be a one night thing.  Hubby’s vacation was the following week and I thought, well I blew it– might as well drink on vacation too (because who doesn’t love hangovers, headaches, anxiety and the shakes when you are on vacation).   I thought after his week off I could focus on my sobriety.

And here we are, 2 weeks after his vacation and I’m still in this cycle.  I don’t even want to quit today.  I DO want to quit sometime soon.  Just not today.  Maybe I won’t be able to this time.  Maybe it’ll turn into day drinking and waking up with the shakes.  Maybe my liver will fail and I will die a slow and painful death eating my words about just a couple of drinks.

To my family, I am sorry.  I am doing the best that I can.

To anyone who is reading this, if you have clean time cherish the heck out of it.  If it’s 1 day, or 10 or 100– cherish every single day.  And if you are thinking you might relapse, think about how hard the first few days were.  The first few days are always the hardest and will always be so hard regardless of how much sobriety you have.  Folks, people relapse after years of sobriety and die from it.  This is real.

Don’t let an event– or series of events out of your control make you think that you have the right to give in.  That is your addiction taking advantage of you– and he/she will!  I’m quite certain that with every piece of bad news I received, Betsy was doing a happy dance in my head.

The only thing that I can promise is that I will always be open and honest about my journey, no matter how ugly the truth is.

I do have hope that better days are ahead.






Two Me’s

I’m really excited warriors! I’m back on board– hopefully for the last time! I’m not sure why some people seem to have a big AHA…… moment and they enter recovery to never look back. I want that! I’m so tired of relapses and not sure why I keep putting myself through it.

I had an interesting experience today. My school is hiring a 2nd special ed teacher and I was asked to be on the interview team. So… I had to get up early today and was not planning on drinking last night. BUT.. there’s alcohol in the house and I have zero control. So I felt and probably looked like SH&% this morning. We only had 2 candidates to interview (both named Elizabeth, which was kind of funny).

I liked the first one (she actually reminded me of myself– very low key) but my special ed director and principal didn’t really like her. They said she seemed low energy and almost like she took an anxiety pill. She had mentioned that she has kids at home with ADHD and they actually suggested she was nervous and took her kids’ medicine before the interview! Talk about a WOW moment. I don’t know why that was such a surprise to me, but I didn’t pick up on it at all and was kind of annoyed that they were being so mean. The second girl came in with a big smile and clear eyes. She was really good and the one who we unanimously agreed on.

I could l see myself in both women and on the way home I reflected–WHO do I want to be? The tired Me with a constant hangover? Puffy eyes and face, hands shaking, nothing gets done because I spend my evening getting knockered and my days feeling like shit and hating myself? Or the Me that doesn’t drink anymore? The one who can ride my bike 150 miles in a month, who gets up early to walk the dog and spends the weekend doing things that makes me happy because I AM happy and I HAVE the energy to do these things.

So.. I think I’m ready for another serious go at this. Goals help me. Last time, on March 23rd, I visualized 100 days at the beginning of July. I MADE it to 100 days- but then relapsed like 20 days later. I want a year and I want to write a book about this entire journey– my super long journey that has had many pitfalls. I know my mind is pretty serious because I have a full box of wine in the garage. I can’t bring myself to dump it– it just seems like such a waste! So I listed it in my local free group. Other times, I would be like “I’ll finish that box and THEN quit..”  I’m ready– so ready.



Two Very Different Meetings

Today is Tuesday and it has been a successful week so far.  I want to also celebrate the fact, that besides that funk I found myself in early on, this summer has pretty much been free of depression.  This tells me that I am nurturing my soul and living in a way that makes my heart happy.  Summer is typically a time that it is easy for me to fall prey to a slump.

I made it to two meetings yesterday!

The first was the noon AA meeting that I attended occasionally last summer and really liked.  I was on a mission to find a sponsor and when an older lady sat at my table and we started to make small talk, I asked her if she sponsored and if she would sponsor me.  She said yes!

I took a chance and I’m glad I did.  We will start working in about 10 days when she is done with her probation.  I also had a chance to make small talk with a woman about my age who just accomplished her first 30 days.  I had shared about my recent relapse and she asked for details after the meeting.  I was very open with her about my experience.  She also works for the schools and is nervous about going back to work and not having time for so many meetings (she is currently in an outpatient program).  I can totally relate but told her that in my experience, summer is the toughest time to stay sober because of all of the unstructured time, freedom and generally people doing a lot of partying.  It is so nice to connect with local people who are in recovery.

The 2nd meeting was a little bit of a shit show.  It was a Refuge Recovery meeting and the location yesterday was at a Cat cafe.  If you don’t know what this is, it is a cafe where rescue cats are free to roam around.  It helps to socialize them and also to help find potential adoptable families.  If you are not familiar with Refuge Recovery, it is Buddhist based and mediation is a big part of it.

Since two of my favorite things are cats and meditation, I thought this was absolutely PURRRRRFECT!  And even better was the fact that it was an open meeting, so I asked my hubby to go with me.  My hubby is a very reserved and quiet man.  I’m pretty sure that accompanying me to this meeting nearly killed him, but he is sweet so he did it anyway.

The meeting started off well.  Cats were everywhere and the 10 people attending the meeting included a diverse crowd of about ages 20-50.

We started with a guided meditation, which I have to say that I really enjoyed.  Near the end, I heard a woman crying (or laughing?) and some commotion.  I learned after the meditation was over that one of the cats urinated in the donation money basket and also on the facilitator’s shoes!  It was really pretty funny.

Next, we read a section from the Refuge Recovery book.  I enjoyed the reading and could relate to the topic.

Lastly,  each person had a chance to share.  This is where things got strange.  It was very different from AA– where you have a mix of people who have just begun the program and are struggling and people who are years sober and who still work and believe in the program and promote it–but for the most part is positive and optimistic.

This was entirely different.  Everyone who shared seemed to be in a really dark place.  Sharers included a couple of young men who often had to fight the urge to kill themselves, a doctor of philosophy who expressed her “rage” from all of the negativity she felt at the meeting and the bad cats while we were meditating and that she was so tired of the families she worked with who didn’t understand that their loved one isn’t the only one in pain and the fact that they made her “rage” (she was a scary one, I noted the quickest way out while she was sharing because it appeared that she may start to “rage” at any moment), and a young woman who recently relapsed and was high on drugs.  She was at the meeting because she was a few days free from alcohol and once she was 8 days free from alcohol she was going across the country to rehab.  She was hitting all the meetings she could to hit that 8 days, but it was so strange to be at a meeting with someone who openly admitted to being high.

An older gentleman approached me after the meeting.  I had shared that it was my first RR meeting and he reassured me that last night was an anomaly.  He told me that I should try going to the temple and that it would be a much different experience, and that meditation had done wonders for him and his chronic pain (which was strange because RA causes me chronic pain, but he didn’t know that).  He also defended the meeting and said that people felt like they could be 100% authentic and real.  I appreciated his insight.

I left feeling so drained afterwards and sad that my hubby’s first and probably only meeting was so negative.  We talked about the sadness we felt on the way home and that each person that shared at the meeting could easily be a friend or colleague.  I left feeling like if I ever wanted to go to another RR meeting, I would try a different one and would never go back to the cat cafe.

After a full night’s sleep, I had a different opinion.  Maybe hearing people share from the pit of addiction is beneficial for me in some ways.  I had regretted taking hubby with me, but maybe it was good for him to see this– to help him understand some of the demons that I’m facing.  I might actually go back to that cat cafe!  At the very least, I definitely want to check out a large group meditation at the temple.

Well, that’s my update!  I’m happy to write a positive post and excited about my progress ❤

progress-not-perfection (1)

Summer Houseboat

I’ve decided that my summer is like living on a houseboat.

During the summer, routines and consistencies change often- daily or even momentarily.

Storms come in and waves crash overboard, leaving me unbalanced and shaky.

I can stay docked and that allows me to seek the safe shelter with a strong foundation when the storms come in.

But when I’m out on the water, in my houseboat, I don’t have the reliable foundation to stay safe and grounded.

Summer is a mix of having my houseboat docked and safe and being out in the middle of the sea both in calm weather and roaring winds.

What to do?

I need to keep building my infrastructure.  I need to put my foundation first and foremost.  An impromptu trip to the cottage doesn’t mean that I don’t have to attend meetings (yes, there are meetings close by, no excuses) or get in my daily workout and meditation routine.  An unexpected visit from a friend from out of town doesn’t mean the self care goes down the toilet.  Suddenly having to watch my niece and nephew doesn’t mean I can blow off the reading I promised to do or the list I was going to work on.

THESE are excuses.   Making excuses to STOP doing these things will weaken my will and cause my stable houseboat to blow into the inevitable storm with nothing to hold onto.

I like summer and I like my houseboat, but I despise defeat.

No matter what time of year it is, I must work hard to be victorious ❤ ❤ ❤



26 Reasons Why Sobriety Rocks

  1. Being able to remember last night
  2. Not having to worry about what you said or did
  3. Waking up with a clear head
  4. Waking up without a pounding headache, physical aches and general feelings of physical and mental angst
  5. Enjoying the taste of an AF drink
  6. Having enough energy to exercise
  7. The physical, mental and spiritual growth from working on recovery
  8. General feeling of happiness
  9. Feeling like you are truly living your best life
  10. Daily connections with other sober individuals
  11. Spending quality time with friends and family
  12. Being able to hop in the car 24/7 if needed
  13. Saving money by not buying poison
  14. NOT thinking about alcohol 24/7
  15. Feeling like a rebel when you drink caffeine past 9pm on a Friday night
  16. Being able to be more productive
  17. Lack of horrible hangovers that snatch the entire day
  18. Lack of guilt and shame feelings
  19. Increase in self confidence
  20. Brighter skin
  21. Lack of impulse buys
  22. Not feeling like alcohol has you in shackles
  23. Not worrying about if “they’ll” find out your secret
  24. Not having to go to multiple stores to buy alcohol so “they” don’t find you out
  25. Not worrying about when or if you will hit rock bottom, and what that will be
  26. Feeling like your spouse (or mom or dad or best friend or brother) is proud, not ashamed of you

25 Reasons Why I Hate Drinking

  1. Waking up panicked about what I said, if my kid got his nightly insulin dose, where my phone is, etc etc etc
  2. Feeling physically drained while drinking and the next day
  3. The headaches and general body aches
  4. Worrying about what I said or did
  5. Guilty feelings and feeling like I’ve let my family down
  6. Wanting to stop but not knowing if the evening urge will overcome me
  7. Lack of productivity
  8. Overall feeling of dark blackness
  9. Lack of sleep
  10. Increased general anxiety
  11. Dependence and needing it daily
  12. Spending money on it
  13. Having to pretend that everything is ok
  14. Feeling like I am not living my best life
  15. Wasted time that could’ve been spent with my family
  16. Uncertainty of the future
  17. Thinking about drinking 24/7– obsessing over it
  18. Embarrassment I must cause my hubby when I drink too much around his family
  19. Not remembering going to bed
  20. Having to face videos or pics taken of me passed out or saying stupid things the night before
  21. Making promises or plans that I know I won’t follow through with
  22. Drunk texts or Facebook posts
  23. Losing my spirit literally
  24. Having no motivation to foster my health (my diet and exercise suffers when I’m actively drinking)
  25. The way it sucks the joy out of everything good in my life