Mood: Completely Pissy, Compassion thown out the Window

I consider myself an overly compassionate person.

When I was sweeping the kitchen today, I noticed that I accidently swept a tiny ant into my dust pile.  I left the pile alone so the ant could carry on his business.

I do not kill bugs and I do not eat animals.

When someone I know is hurting, I hurt too.  I feel so sad for them that sometimes the ache in my heart lasts all day.

Today it all went out the window and someone (who probably could use some compassion) made me feel rage with anger.  

Hubby’s sister has caused many problems in the family for several years.  Now she is finally leaving her husband (who is a pill popper, can’t hold a job/support the family, we believe is abusive, etc).  And she’s staying at this guy friend’s house, with internet and without her kids.  So she is overly posting on Facebook poor me stats and other things that are making the rest of the family look really bad (see how evil Facebook really is??? Seriously!!).

But you don’t see posts about the heirloom jewelry stolen from her mom’s drawer, or how her parents were behind her 100% when she was in rehab and ready to leave her husband who was in prison for stealing a donation jar (I think it was a few that he swiped..), or the priceless coin collection she took from her great aunt while working at her house for money (well, she or her husband took it– or it was a group effort).  She’s had a whole bunch of chances and just keeps screwing over family members all while sticking with her sick husband.

Back to this weekend.  My hubby decides to take her son (our nephew) who is about the same age as our oldest on a scout trip this weekend.  This is great because as the oldest of three, this nephew pretty much runs the household and has far more responsibility than a teenager should.   He’s been close to our son and us his whole life, I used to babysit him when he was little on my summers off.  Despite all of the hardships at home that he’s endured over the past 10 or so years, he really has turned out to be a great kid.  He’s gone on scout trips with us before, he gets along with all of the other boys and always has a great time so he was super excited to go with them this weekend.

The only downside is that they live almost 2 hours from us.  So hubby went out of his way Friday night to pick him up– knowing that he wouldn’t be home until 9 or 10 pm.  His sister suggested that hubby swings by that guy’s house that she’s staying at to visit her and he agrees thinking that he’ll buy her dinner and catch up and have a nice visit.

He picks up our nephew (who is living with his dad) and goes to see his sister.  Random guy friend answers the door half dressed and informs him that she is at a friend’s house.  Hubby is invited in and goes and waits for 15-20 minutes, messaging his sister but getting no replies (granted, she’s the one that wanted him to stop by and she knew what time and he arrived ON time).  He is completely blown off.

The next thing that makes me mad is 100% in my head.  The boys stay the night at Fort Wayne in Detroit.  When hubby goes on scout trips, he usually texts me before bed saying goodnight and stuff.  I didn’t hear a word from him all night or in the morning.

I started to panic thinking that something happened at his sister or her husband’s house with them or one of the kids (they have two little ones besides my nephew).  What if he had to drive out there? What if there is an emergency?  Wouldn’t be the first time and since we have my nephew they would call us first so he could go back and take care of things.  All. Of. This. Anxiety.  ALL because of the drama seems to happen when we have our nephew and have to see them.

This is all really stupid because it’s just unnecessary anxiety in my head. In reality, when hubby got to the Fort he accidentally connected to the Canadian cell phone towers and wasn’t able to disconnect or didn’t bother to try.  So he wasn’t using his phone to call or text.  Stupid anxiety!

I usually feel sorry for his sister and her situation.  But today all I felt was anger.  Anger that she puts herself first, always.  Even in front of her kids, her needs always come first.  Anger that her parents tried so hard to help her and she was doing so good but then went back to a bad guy and a life with drugs.

Do you know how much I would give to have two parents to hold my hand during the scariest parts of my addiction?

So.. I’m already feeling these negative feelings today and the boys get home; hubby, son and nephew.  Hubby sticks around to do taxes while the boys hang out– he’s putting off taking nephew home for a little while.  Hours later, he starts to get ready and realizes that his wedding ring is missing.  We searched the house and we had the boys search the house, and the sleeping bags, and the cots and the car.  It disappeared.  I don’t know how— it’s always put neatly in the same place on the counter.

Hubby left to take nephew home 2 hours away in the freezing rain.  The weather is horrible, the ring is still missing and I am missing the compassion that normally fills my heart.

On top of all of that, I think this is probably one of the worst posts on this blog.  Maybe I’ll delete it– I don’t know.  I just know that I needed to get some of the negative energy out of me.  And I’m glad I did!  I feel lighter and happier.

I hope you all are having a more positive Sunday with some nice weather!

Positive vibes appreciated ❤ ❤ ❤

 

 

 

Step 2 Work: A Power Greater than Ourselves Could Restore us to Sanity

Step 2:  We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

My belief statements:

  • I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable
  • Alcohol has caused a decline in my mental health and sanity
  • Alcohol is a bigger problem than I can handle on my own
  • I accept that I am unable to restore my mental health and sanity without the assistance of something or someone more than I have experienced before
  • I accept that a power greater than myself is best able to assist in the restoration of my mental health and sanity

Why is a higher power needed?  A higher power is needed to restore my sanity and take away alcohol because I am just an imperfect and lost speck in the world and can’t do this on my own.  I have faith that my HP will help me get through the tough times and help me find my way to health, sanity and sobriety.  

How the possibility that a Higher Power can restore my sanity makes me feel: Loving, grateful, hopeful, humble, joyous, compassionate, passionate, wanting and remorseful.  

Reservations I have about a Higher Power’s ability to restore my sanity and take away alcohol:  My reservations include being able to access MY Higher Power when I am tempted or have strong urges/cravings.  These strong urges/cravings seem to take over my brain/thinking when they come up.  I need to know how and to be able to reach out to my Higher Power during these times when I so desperately need help.  

Attributes and characteristics my Higher Power must possess to restore my sanity and take away alcohol: Unconditional love, acceptance, strength, guidance and forgiveness.

My statement of understanding about my belief that a power greater than myself can restore my sanity and take away alcohol:  I will rely on my Higher Power for unconditional love, acceptance, strength and guidance to get me through the good and bad times and to help me stay sober.  

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I feel like I have more to practice and learn with this step.  That’s ok, I have the rest of my life ❤

Lazy Rainy Saturday

What a week!

The week back to work and school was a good one.   We had some small hiccups– like my oldest possibly having strep so I took Monday afternoon off to take him to the doctor.   He has type 1 Diabetes, so I’m a little more cautious and proactive with his health.  No strep 🙂

The youngest didn’t feel well on Tuesday so hubby stayed home with him.  The rest of the week was normal.

This is what I accomplished this week:

  • Woke up an hour early on Mon-Wed-Fri to walk/run
  • Took a 6, 8 then 7 mile bike ride on Wed-Thurs-Fri
  • Assessed all students on their IEP goals
  • Completed and submitted amendments for students who will get summer tutoring
  • Completed report cards
  • Completed March Medicaid paperwork
  • Did some online shopping, pretty much set for spring clothes

I didn’t do any housework during the week except keeping up on the basics, laundry, dishes (boys do this), etc.  Today will be a mixture of being lazy, cleaning up a bit and some self-care (hair, nails, doing something fun with my youngest).

The rain is really coming down and it is nasty out!  Much better than snow though, some parts of the country are getting like 2 feet today — yuck!!!

I completed the step 2 worksheet, which is all about the higher power (HP BABY!!!  GOSH, I TOTALLY COMPLETELY HATE HATE THAT SAYING I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHY!!!).  Doing the worksheet was productive, but for me there’s something missing.  I need to continue to work on step 2 a bit.  I love my higher power and the idea of Him– but I’m not 100% confident that I know how to access my HP when Betsy talks me into a drink.  I mean, I’m not planning on drinking.  I haven’t had any urges or cravings lately, but know that eventually they will come.  If Betsy starts to win the argument in my head (this has happened before), I don’t know how to use my HP to stop the thoughts in my head.  Maybe it’s just 100% faith and that’s what I’m not getting.  I don’t know…  maybe I’m overthinking.  I just know that after step 1, I was totally confident that I knew that step from front to back, every square inch and agreed with it completely no questions no nonsense and this one feels different.   I will post my step 2 work sometime this weekend and plan on adding to it as I get smarter about it.

Today is day 23 & I feel really great physically, mentally and spiritually.  I woke up this morning with body aches from working out a lot these past couple of days but those are good aches. I HAVE to make sure that I don’t forget the cost of a night of drinking — or a drink or two at dinner with a friend.  It will not be a one time thing and if I get back into that groove of nightly drinking, I may not make it out.

Anyways, I really should get off the couch and get moving.  Or at the very least turn off my computer, grab a blanket and put on a good movie.

Happy Saturday ❤

Perfection is a Mirage

If you know me at all, you know that I have a love/hate relationship with social media– Facebook in particular.

I will tell you why.  I’m looking at my facebook page.  The first thing I see is a bunch of great pics.  Me & hubby tan and happy on a beach with our floppy hats, happy kids playing a board game, me with various groups of friends/family posing for a pic.  Geez it looks like I have an awesome life with a group of fun everywhere I go.

The few pics of my kids that come up are them actually getting along, smiling and happy (I do have various pics of at least one of them in tears, but you don’t see that).

A dog training session comes up and it looks as though we have a well trained dog, but you don’t see his obnoxious traits that sometimes drive us bonkers.

You see a pic of my kids with the Easter bunny and the caption “The first and probably last pic of them with the Easter bunny.”    What the caption should really say is, “I had to bribe my kids with ice cream so that I could have at least one picture of them with the Easter bunny in my album.”

You don’t see any of the tears, the arguments, the mom yelling feeling as though she’s about to go off the deep end.

And when I look at other people’s Facebook page, envy transpires.  If only I had hair that long and thick, if only I had straight teeth like hers, if only I looked that thin.. and the list goes on.

Why don’t my kids like sports like other kids?  Why can’t I afford a house that big?  Why can’t we go on a cruise?   The list still goes on.

I try to not be jealous, but sometimes it’s hard.  When I’m feeling like I’m in an unhappy place, it’s easy to say “if only ________.”

Newsflash– I could have all of those things, and would still feel unhappy sometimes.  It’s not THINGS that make us happy.  It’s not the perfect body shell, because you know what?  Even if I did have that hair, those teeth and that body, there would still be things I want to change about my looks.

What if our happiness has nothing to do with our outside and everything to do with what’s inside?

As I clean up the inside of my “house” I am realizing how much junk on the inside can affect you– and it’s not in a good way.

But if my life was perfect…

What IS the perfect life?   Beauty? (sorry, but if that was my self worth I would be desperately afraid of losing it– totally not worth it), Money? (The famous line, “You’re a slave to money and then you die” comes to mind), Success? (What is success anyways?  If I was a professional dog walker and totally happy with my job and my small home and meager car, but feeling fulfilled-wouldn’t I be considered successful?  Or does it require a large salary and/or college degree– or world recognition?  No one knows..).

So this idea of perfection, it’s just an idea and isn’t even anything tangible.  Thinking and wanting will do nothing but make you sad and unhappy.  We must take social media with a grain of salt and realize that we are not seeing the whole picture.

So yeah, I will continue to love and hate FB until I can master this skill.

Anyways, it is Wednesday and sober day 20 for me.  Things are going very well and I have a general feeling of happiness throughout the day and have been sleeping exceptionally well.  I’ve been exercising daily (walking/running or bike riding), but my eating is still out of control.  I’m just not touching that right now.

This week’s early morning walk/runs have been exciting.

On Monday I was met with 2 sets of eyes glowing in my head lamp light in the otherwise pitch black early morning air.  They were coming closer and too short to be deer, more like dog height.  Coyotes!  There are many around here and they seem to travel in pairs.  I backed off toward the street until I realized they were leashed and attached to an owner.  Even though they were just dogs, my adrenaline was pumping the rest of the trip.

Today, I spotted a set of eyes two doors down from my house.  I thought I was being paranoid and that it was a reflection off the mailbox– but as I started to get closer they moved, then I saw about 3 other sets of eyes.  It was a group of deer, which didn’t scare me too bad but still kind of put me on edge for the rest of the walk.

Weekends have been exciting also.  Last weekend we went up to Bay City and had a great time.  I really realized that I actually have more fun up there when I’m sober and coherent.  Plus, Debbie and I felt good enough to hike the next day (never would have happened with a hangover!).

This weekend coming up, hubby and the oldest will be gone on a scout trip.  I’m looking forward to a low key weekend with my little that involves some cleaning, catching up on house chores, maybe putt putt and a bed party with movies and popcorn and m&m’s.

So that’s that, life is simple but oh so good!!  ❤ ❤ ❤

 

Totally Ready to Slay Some Dragons

It’s the last day of our staycation, last night actually since it’s almost 9pm.

We had a great time at Walt and Debbie’s house.  We went to Northwoods (a really cool huge store with everything that you could want for a discount), went to a buffet restaurant for dinner, relaxed in the hot tub and then started a game of Monopoly before calling it a night.  I knew that I wasn’t going to drink, but it surprised me how much more fun I have at her house when I’m not drinking 🙂

The dogs all played and had a blast.  Debbie and I walked the marsh trail today and made it all 3 miles.  We relaxed some more in the hot tub after our walk and then headed home shortly after.

I caught up on laundry after getting home, made dinner and lunches for tomorrow and then cleaned up the kitchen.  Now it’s almost 9 and I just sat down and am completely exhausted.

Temps aren’t supposed to be horribly cold tomorrow morning (closer to 30 than 20) so I’m setting my alarm clock to go run/walking.  I should be able to beat my previous pace because today I didn’t run at all.

I am actually looking forward to getting back to work.  This is the time of the year that I start checking things off for the last time before summer vacation.  I will definitely be very busy these next couple of weeks!

Due to state testing that is done during April and May, we will begin testing this week.  I have a new student who #1 has a visual impairment and #2 is a 5th grader who reads at a 1st grade level, therefore I will need to test her one-on-one and read aloud all of the 5 tests that she needs to take.   I also need to provide accommodations for the rest of my 5th graders, my 4th graders and my 3rd graders.  The state testing is very strict and rigid and takes a huge amount of time.

In addition to the state testing, we also have district testing to do these next few weeks.  For this test I need to provide accommodations for my kids in 1st-5th grade.

I also need to test students early this week to see how they are progressing on their IEP goals.  These assessments are very short and not too invasive.  The results will help me determine which students meet the criteria for ESY or extended school year services.  The students who meet this criteria will need an amendment to their IEP (more paperwork..).

Report cards are due in two weeks, so I will need to work on those too.

Another thing on my mind is my 5th graders who will transition to the middle school next year.  I have meetings scheduled for them in May to make a plan at the middle school for next year.  I’ll need lots of data and to set some good academic goals for them.

Sorry for all of the shop talk, I suppose on this Sunday night I’m feeling a little bit of work anxiety and it helps to write everything out 🙂

Anway, day 17 today!  Feeling so grateful and satisfied.

Wishing you all a great start to the week ❤

 

 

Step One— I am Totally, 100%, Powerless over Alcohol— and With it My Life is Completely Unmanageable 

I am NOT powerless, on the contrary, I have great power.  The power I must execute when it comes to alcohol is to STEER CLEAR.  The minute I take a sip is the moment where I lose my power.  The poison steals it and I no longer have control.

Here is a summary of the step 1 work that I’ve done:   “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.” 

Areas in my life that has become unmanageable due to alcohol:

Mental health, career, relationships, kindness, accurate thought, weight, gratitude, physical health, accomplishment, integrity and responsibility.

How I feel about my life being unmanageable due to alcohol:

Overwhelmed, sad, afraid, ashamed, hopeful, joyous (I see the light and am constantly moving toward it– even with slip ups) guilty, hurt, compassionate, regretful, passionate, resentful and pitiful.

What power I do have over alcohol:

I have the power to refuse to take it. I can’t drink, I won’t drink, I don’t want to drink.

How my life would be different if I didn’t have the unmanageability of alcohol:

I wouldn’t obsess about drinking. I wouldn’t drink until the point of passing out. I wouldn’t get drunk every time I drink– nor would I drink JUST to get drunk, I wouldn’t go to meetings and I wouldn’t know anything about recovery.

My statement of how I am powerless over alcohol:

If I take a drink:  I lose any and all power. I am powerless after the first sip. Nights of binge drinking have affected nearly all aspects of my life and has made #1) being a good mom and spouse #2) effectively doing my job and #3) taking care of my health unmanageable.

I am so glad that I revisited my step one work this morning!  We are headed up to Bay City to visit our best friends Walt and Debbie.  Debbie and I have drank together since getting our first apartment together back in 1995.  Throughout the years, my drinking has become a dirty habit while hers has dwindled to pretty much a couple drinks when she’s drinking with alcoholic friends like me.

The thought of going up there for a night does give me a little anxiety, although the past couple of times I’ve visited I haven’t drank.  However, the last time I drank with her was on my birthday just a few weeks ago.  I told her beforehand that I was going to drink, and she asked if I was sure and told me that she didn’t want to ruin my sobriety.  I blew it off and said that I’ve been good but not perfect and deserved to have drinks on my birthday.  While I was happy about being able to be coherent the entire day and night of my birthday, the truth is that I drank the entire week before and after my birthday.  Deciding to drink that one night resulted in a 2 week bender.

Betsy has already started yapping (a dozen or so times) about how nice it would be to have some drinks in her hot tub tonight.  Each time I scream back at her, “NO!”

I’ve spent half my spring break sleeping off my birthday toxins.  I DO NOT want to put more poison in and I especially don’t want to start something that will result in days or weeks of nightly drinking.

SO.. I’m super glad I reviewed my power and how best to use it so that I don’t become powerless.  I’m also extremely grateful for this knowledge and strength that will carry me throughout the night so that I can wake up to day 17 tomorrow, clear headed, energetic, grateful and heart happy.

Happy Saturday Vibes   ❤ ❤ ❤

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Spring Break Staycation and Everyone and Their Brother is in Florida

I pushed to stay home this spring break. Hubby wanted to go to Florida or at least half way south where we would find budding flowers and trees and warm temperatures.

We’ve had to fix/replace many things in our home since January and have spent a lot more money than usual in the past few months on those things.  I wanted to save the money we would be spending traveling.

Also, by the time spring break rolled around I was completely exhausted.  I was totally spent, mentally, physically, spiritually, etc.  Although the word vacation brings images of peace (resting on a beach, with a book indulging in good food, etc), planning, packing up and leaving is actually hard work.   I didn’t have it in me, so we stayed.

My first big mistake was reactivating my Facebook page.  Yup– as happily disconnected that I was– I reactivated to post a funny video my sons made– and I stayed.

So, while I’m baskin in my glory of a super clean house, homemade meals, daily naps on top of 9 hours a sleep per night, a part of me is jealous of all of my friends in their bathing suits on the beach.  Seriously.  I’m even secondhand witnessing coworkers who no longer work together running into each other.   How can there be enough beaches to possibly fit everyone who is in Florida right now?  I would not want to live in Florida during this month– it must be so crowded everywhere!

Back to the staycation.  I was slightly worried last week about a slip up this week.   After all, being home on mid winter break is when I awfully day drank and kept going.

I am happily reporting that I haven’t even thought about giving in to any urges I’ve felt.  I have such a strong desire this time and am just DONE with the booze.  I believe that having zero expectations of myself has helped my mindset.  I am not getting down on myself for not exercising– or not doing this or that.  I am patting myself on the back every single night no matter what for staying sober.  I’ve been happier and ironically more productive!  I’ve probably exercised more also– especially considering the awful weather we’ve been having– I’ve still been getting out there.

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I typically get depressed when I’m not working and struggle with non structured days.  I haven’t felt my usual disappointment/despair this week and am wondering if it has to do with being more kind and accepting of myself.  I’m getting really excited and hoping that this is the preview of a productive, happy and fulfilled summer vacation I’m about to have!

So far this has been a terrific week.  Here are some of the highlights:

Easter Sunday— This ended up being a great day.  My house was clean and our food was tasty.  I made hor dourves and hubby made the dinner.  My dad and hubby’s brother came over.  We had a wonderful meal and visit.  Afterwards, we had cake and ice cream to celebrate mine and my oldest’s birthday.  I could tell that my dad had a good time and enjoyed the meal because he texted me after the fact a couple of times letting me know 🙂

Monday— Bicycle shopping!  I’ve known for awhile that I wanted a new bike for my birthday.  Mine is over 10 years old and has been good, except for the last time we took it up north it was making a funny noise/click sound and hard to ride.  Hubby worked on it for hours and we thought it was all set.  The next day we brought our bikes to Mackinac Island.  All the way around the island my bike was making an awful squeaking sound.  Everyone who passed me looked at me funny and said, “Your bike is squeaking.”  DUH!!!  It was so annoying, I never fully trusted my bike after that.

I found my bike at the first store we went to and it was one of the first ones I test rode.  We wanted to be sure though so we went to a few other stores.  Several hours and test rides later I knew for sure!  I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new bike but it’s been too cold to ride it.  I think I might be able to get out there with it today, it’s going to be sunny and 40 degrees (hello heat wave!).

Tuesday— I had a good workout, hot bath and then we visited grandma.  We brought Jets pizza, a chocolate cream pie and everything was so delicious.  My dad stays with her on Tuesdays so he was there too.  I don’t always see him often, so seeing him twice in one week was a treat.  We had a nice visit.  We talked a lot of politics and current events and nothing got heated because we all have the same opinions (mostly).

Wednesday— Chillax day.  It was SO cold and windy that I got a workout in, but inside.  I ran out for some groceries and then did some cooking.  My youngest had a playdate, hubby and the oldest went to the rec center to swim laps.  I was in bed by 10 and slept very well.

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Cheesecake made in the InstaPot by Hubby 

Today is Thursday and Day 14 🙂

I’m not sure what we’ll do today, but am ok with whatever.  Maybe hubby and I will go wander around Sam’s Club (one of our favorite pastimes– and everytime we do it I feel like we are OH SO old– but I guess we are..).

Peace and love ❤

Money for Our Lost Mom

My sisters and I have been going through something crazy lately and there really isn’t anyone that we can talk to about it.

Last week we found out how much money we would be getting from from the hospital for our mom’s negligent death.  It’s a substantial amount and finding out unearthed some deep emotions.

Our. Mom. Didn’t. Have. To. Die.

Her death story will always be such an awful one.  While she lay dying, her car was packed with toys for all of her grandkids to enjoy on the fourth of July holiday at the cottage.

It was summer 2014.  I was taking a class for work and my kids were staying at my sister’s house.  It had been like a week and I missed them tremendously.  On the last day of my class I was having lunch with my friends in the class and I just felt horrible and heartsick.  I even told them that I felt an impending doom.  I don’t know why I felt so horrible, we would be picking up the kids after my class and heading up north to spend the fourth of July with family.

That night, we picked up the kids and headed north.  We didn’t get up there until around midnight, and slept well after the hectic week.  The next morning we went out to breakfast and then headed to the grocery to stock up.  That’s when I got the call. 

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Carefree times at the restaurant moments before we got the phone call

My sister called me to tell me that my mom was at the ER and would need emergency surgery.  She had gotten a call from my mom’s neighbor who drove her there.  We didn’t know why she needed surgery but knew it must be serious.

We left the store, grabbed necessities from the cottage and headed back south.  Hubby thought that we should maybe wait to see what was going on.  He actually thought that maybe she would have the surgery and then still be able to join us for the rest of the vacation.  I just knew that I needed to be there– at the hospital–knowing first hand what was going on.

He dropped me off at the hospital a few hours later and took the kids home.  I never saw my mom awake, she was sedated by the time I got there.  I arrived at the hospital around 2 pm.  She ended up having surgery late that night.  I guess they had a couple of other emergency surgeries that they had to do before her.  By the time they got to her she was in pretty bad sepsis.  We later found out that one of the surgeries they did before her was an elective surgery– meaning it wasn’t medically necessary.

My sisters and I went back to my mom’s house to sleep for the night– although we didn’t get much sleep.  We drank, a lot.   We talked and cried and were delirious.  It was unbelievable– our mom who had always been so strong– who always took such thorough care of us– was now in such a critical situation.  They had told us that she would be on a ventilator for the next few days so we knew that her condition was very critical.  We finally laid down around 3 to get some rest.

We woke up to the phone ringing before 5.  It was the hospital and they advised us to get up there right away.   When we got there, an ICU doctor took us into a little room and told us that her heart stopped and that they got it started by doing CPR.  She said that she wasn’t sure if her brain got oxygen during that time and that it felt like they were assaulting her more than reviving her.  She said that they were giving her a specific medicine to keep her alive until we got there– but that she was going to die once they stopped giving it.  The feeling of lost and devastation that we felt in that tiny room is undescribable.

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One of my favorite memories is the week my mom stayed with us after my youngest was born

By the time she died, most of our extended family was at the hospital.  I don’t remember who was in her room when she died.  I DO remember watching her heart rate drop to zero.  There’s this thing that the hospital does, every time a baby is born they play this chime music.  So while she died, I heard the chime music and immediately Live’s song Lightning Crashes popped into my head.  I will forever think of being in that little room and watching my mom die whenever I hear that song.

The days following her death are a blur and I don’t want to write about them. Things have been forever different–in all aspects.

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Circa 1986– My mom loved chatting on the phone 

Now, almost 4 years later we are getting paid because the hospital made a series of mistakes that ultimately caused her death.  They didn’t even fight it.

While it’s nice to get a chunk of money to make our lives easier, it’s a tough pill to swallow.

I would give back the money in a millisecond if it would bring my mom back.

 

“Lightning Crashes”

lightning crashes, a new mother cries
her placenta falls to the floor
the angel opens her eyes
the confusion sets in
before the doctor can even close the door

lightning crashes, an old mother dies
her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers
belongs now to the baby down the hall

oh now feel it comin’ back again
like a rollin’ thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin’ from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.

lightning crashes, a new mother cries
this moment she’s been waiting for
the angel opens her eyes
pale blue colored iris,
presents the circle
and puts the glory out to hide, hide

oh now feel it comin’ back again
like a rollin’ thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin’ from the center of the earth again
I can feel it. I can feel it.

I can feel it comin’ back again
like a rollin’ thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin’ from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.

I can feel it comin’ back again
like a rollin’ thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin’ from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.

I can feel it comin’ back again
like a rollin’ thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin’ from the center of the earth again

Spring Break & Easter 2018

Happy Easter Morning!

It is such a peaceful morning here.  Crisp with traces of snowflakes falling– but that’s ok, because the promise of spring is strong and present.

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Colorful buds emerging from the messy flower bed

I am happy that we don’t have to go anywhere today.  I am finishing up the cleaning I started yesterday and hubby is making an Easter dinner.  My dad and brother-in-law will be coming over for dinner.  We stocked up on lots of delicious groceries last night, so there will be plenty to eat!

I want to mention also, that today is Day 10.  Double digits always feels good!  I think my strategy of allowing myself leeway in terms of keeping up on exercise, activities etc has helped alleviate unneeded stress and pressure.

This plan has been great actually.  For example the other day I did NOT want to workout.  I told myself that if I didn’t workout then it was 100% ok and gave myself permission to skip it and still like myself.  In the end I ended up working out (it was a SLOW 3 mile walk with no running sprints- but I still got out there) mainly because I was feeling so lethargic and I knew that it would help energize me a bit.

I have a feeling that if I hadn’t given myself permission to skip it, the rebel in me would have skipped it anyhow and I would have been kicking myself all night because of it.  Due to the self hatred, I probably also would have overate.

Yep, I definitely like this newfound freedom of giving myself lots of wiggle room 🙂

Spring Break-

It is day 3 of spring break.  It’s the first spring break that we’ve stayed home in at least 3 years.  The past 2 we went to Florida and then back in 2015 we went to Tennessee and stayed on Lookout Mountain.  All of those trips were special and I will always treasure the memories, but I have never been so happy to be home right now.

So far, this break has been a mixed bag of tons of rest and relaxation (hello daily afternoon naps and nightly 9 hour slumbers!), exercise, getting stuff done around the house, self-care and loving on my furbabies.  After the craziness of the past few months, this chillaxation is perfect for my mind, body and soul ❤

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My kittens are happy that we decided to stay home this year

Unfacebooking and Allowing Myself to be a Quitter

Happy sober Day #8!

I feel well-rested, optimistic, lighthearted, not stressed about all of the cleaning I need to catch up on, happy, motivated, smart, funny, excited, and have an overall feeling of bliss.  While it’s easy to attribute my overall feelings of fabulousness to 8 days of sobriety, I’m sure that being on the beginning of spring break has nothing to do with it 😉

Being off Facebook this week has been good for me.  Only a couple of times did I feel like I needed to reactivate and post.  The first time was on my son’s 15th birthday.  For the longest time I pride myself on birthday posts for my kids.  I find the cutest pictures of them throughout their childhood, post about how blessed we are as parents and how you shouldn’t blink because they grow up so fast.  I felt like a bad mom not acknowledging his birthday on Facebook, but why?

Which left me wondering WHY do I feel the need to tell this to all 300 of my facebook friends (most of which I haven’t seen in person for a number of years)?

I thought through the absurdity of my need to post and then moved on.

The second time I had the urge to reactivate was getting home late from work and seeing the destruction caused by my brother-in-law who was babysitting my youngest.

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I suppose that with time, the urge to post stupid things will go away.   At least I hope so!  Other than those two times I’ve been happily disconnected.   Sometimes life feels entirely like a rat race.  While we can’t exit the rat race of life, quitting Facebook seems a little like dropping out of the rat race.  I got off the high speed merry-go-round of life on display and it feels quite liberating!

Speaking of quitting…

I have a bad habit of starting things but not following through with them.  Such as: meditation, regular elliptical usage to shape my legs, yoga, pilates, veganism, shakeology, probiotics, books (like over 30 on my shelf that I have started), AA meetings, womens meetings, juicing, stepwork, various workout programs, walking at lunch, sewing, piano lessons, pretty much you name it, I tried it a couple of times and then quit.

This bothers me so much that I talked to my therapist about it.  She wasn’t much of a help– basically said that while my brain heals with prolonged sobriety– I would naturally become more focused.  She really wasn’t very helpful with anything, so I quit seeing her too.

You can add sobriety to the long list of things that I have quit.  Looking back on all of my posts it’s easy to see how many times I’ve thrown in the towel and gave up on my quest to not drink.  It’s not surprising, I can’t stick to anything!

Focus, self.  Stay focused.

You know what?   WHO cares about all of the other stuff?  WHO CARES?  None of it really matters without sobriety.

So, for the good of the whole, I decided that for the time being, I will not worry about all of that other stuff.  Diets, workouts, extra curricular activities, I will let myself quit anytime I want to.   The only thing I need to worry about at this point in time is my sobriety.

Quitter

 

That is a nonnegotiable & I will save 100% of my focus to stay on course.

Letting all of the other stuff go feels very freeing.  Maybe liberating myself of these unnecessary burdens is the missing key to my success.

Peace and happiness ❤