MUD

We’ve been taking care of our 16 year old nephew since early October.  We are trying our best to do right by him, including encouraging him to have a decent relationship with his mom– my hubby’s sister.

We encouraged him to reach out to her to spend some time with her over the holiday break.   I wasn’t sure if he would– but he did, and I was proud of him for doing so.   He went to my in-laws on Wednesday afternoon to spend time with them, his mom and his brother and sister making pies for Thursday.   They called us around 8:00 to tell us that he would be staying the night at his mom’s.  We were excited for him to be spending time over there.

It ended quickly.  I don’t know all what happened, but my sister-in-law drank to the point of becoming psycho.  Her blood sugar was over 500 (she is diabetic).  911 was called, and because she has a history of being combative, they automatically sent cops.  My in-laws got the kids and my nephew came back to our house before 11pm.  So much for that idea!  I’ve been on a super early schedule, so I was fast asleep when it all went down.  My biggest worry when I woke up and told me was that my nephew probably thinks it’s his fault and how do we help him understand that it’s not?

My diabetic sister-in-law spent Thanksgiving in the hospital, and my mother-in-law was ANGRY.

She was ANGRY at my nephew.  He shouldn’t have locked himself in his room when he got to his mom’s.  This stressed her out and it’s his fault.

She was ANGRY at SIL’s doctor.  He changed her insulin to one made in China, and now she’s having a hard time controlling her blood sugar.  Never mind that she has never, ever, has been able to control her blood sugar and has been in the hospital with the same condition countless times before.

She was ANGRY at a lot of other people for a lot of unimportant things.

The only person she seemed to not be angry at is my SIL.

I was proud of myself, I spoke up.  I told my MIL some truths.  Like “She needs to be a parent instead of locking herself in her room and drinking.”  And when MIL was crying that the little had to read a book about “I love my daddy” and that’s why she’s not improving her reading skills (her daddy is in jail and not coming back) and that reading it caused her to regress and have emotional breakdowns, I told her “She has to find a way to help the kids deal with this. They aren’t the only kids who lost a parent but she is going to have to address it with them.”

What I wanted to say was STOP blaming every single external stimulus out there.  In retrospect, I think everything I said fell on totally deaf ears– I don’t even think a seed was planted.  But it was good for my peace of mind.  And looking back, and judging by how I feel this morning, maybe I just need to not associate with them at all.

I’m not sure that I will make it over there on Christmas Day.  I might wake up with the flu.  I don’t know, I do know that at this point in time I am putting my mental health first- but BOY this seems to be testing HARD with every family party we go to.  When that time comes, I am going to listen to my soul.

I literally want to do nothing but cry right now.  I’ve been running hard and intend on soaking my treadmill later with more than sweat.  It’ll be so therapeutic and good though, I can’t wait.  I need more positive outlets, especially with the hard year of lessons approaching.

Ironically, my best friend who I had a falling out with (sort of) last weekend finally messaged me back.  Well, I sent her a happy thanksgiving post in the morning and she finally texted me back last night.  Yesterday, her 12 year old niece got dropped off and will probably be staying with her long term.  Almost the IDENTICAL situation as me and my nephew.  Even the niece’s mom and grandma are so mad at the niece, blaming her for everything, while she cleans and takes care of her little brother.  My BFF says that the niece has always been good for her (I know the niece, she’s friends with my kids and have known each other their whole lives, she’s a sweet girl– always has been).  The nieces mom drinks constantly and now my friend is worried about her little brother– similar to me worrying about my SIL’s little ones.  WTF is wrong with everyone???????   Is it just my circle????  How do I escape????

While I trudge through the mud, I’ll be looking forward to the big and beautiful lotus.

 

Lotus

2020

I did something yesterday for the first time ever.  I talked to a psychic medium.  I’m glad that it was over an hour drive there and back and that I had a lot of alone time before and after, because I needed to process the things I heard.

I’m not sure what all to say.   The whole day was weird.  I started the morning by relaxing and finishing a movie I started Friday night called “Brittany Runs a Marathon.”  I should explain that hubby and all 3 boys (my two plus our adopted nephew) left Friday night for a Boy Scout camping trip, and I was totally looking forward to a quiet house.  I won’t dwell on the movie, but do recommend it, it was so good!  Any woman who has dealt with hardships pertaining to self-esteem should watch this.  It makes me want to start training for a marathon, like right meow.

My BFF who lives in Bay City was supposed to come and have girl time with me (her idea, much needed on her end, she said).  She usually flakes out on me and it has made me feel irritated since it happened last spring.  It’s bothered me so much that I’ve talked to a few other people I’m close to about it.  I didn’t think it was fair to be talking about how annoyed I was at my BF without her even knowing, so when she cancelled on me yesterday, I told her exactly how I felt.  I wasn’t mean or threatening and tried to be supportive, understanding that she has needs too.  I was not well received.  She was very defensive, very sorry, very down on herself, gave me a hundred excuses and then didn’t message me back.  I don’t feel bad about this situation. I did at first, thinking that she was already anxious and depressed and by dumping all my feelings on her I made her feel worse.  But after sitting on it for a day, I know the truth.  I could have kept it in and let it fester, it’s good that I got it out.  She has to know how her actions affect others.

So, after that tift, I set out on a journey to a faraway city all by myself, kicking myself for making a good friend feel bad.  A little bit into the trip, there was a car in the left lane that would not move over. Being a jerky driver, I tailgated him. I knew he was getting mad because he kept washing his windshield showering me with water.  I kept on him, just wanting him to move over, all the while everyone was passing him on the right.  I have a problem driving and I am not patient, but I am working on this.  I told myself that this guy is a lesson and I need to chill out and hang back.  But it was hard not to tailgate him and he soon threw a drink at my car (not the cup, just the liquid) and he was going slower than ever.  Well by now I was kind of too frightened to pass him on the right so I just kept behind him.  He moved over after a little bit (not because of me, I think he was exiting) and I was a little nervous to pass him and prayed he didn’t have a gun (people are crazy with road rage!).  As I passed he made a shooting gesture but just with his hand, luckily, but it was all kind of odd.

It was a miracle that I made it to this psychic/holistic fair I was going to.  It was in a little neighborhood church in downtown Saginaw.  I didn’t think I was going to find it for a minute.  I wanted to listen to my soul and didn’t know if I would actually walk inside or if I would circle the parking lot and go right home, kind of like going to your first AA meeting.

I wanted two things: to talk to my mom and to try to figure out my life and if I’m on track/what am I supposed to be doing??   I read about the psychics and picked the one who I felt most drawn to.  I shopped around for a bit while I waited for my turn.

I was apprehensive and skeptical.  Her session was for 20 minutes and she asked if I wanted a Tarot card reading or for her to channel spirits, but really I wanted both so I was able to book a double session.

She gave me the cards to hold (so they could get my energy) while she communicated with spirits.

My mom was there right away.  She glowed with happiness when I asked her if she gave me the message to buy the Glenda house.  She also glowed with happiness when talking about someone who must be my oldest son (was talking about someone performing on a stage- which he has done and is now talking about taking a theater class).  She told me to stop making lists and being so serious and anxious.  She also told me that there’s something big, but I don’t have enough information yet. I’m on the right track but just have to hang tight and wait to see everything play out.  Boy this could describe many situations in my life right now.  I guess overall it was very reassuring and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

My Tarot card reading was a little more unsettling.  The cards I got showed tremendous spiritual growth and change in 2019– which was all accurate.  According to my birthday, 2020 will be a big year for me lessons wise.  This is telling of a difficult year.  The upside of it is that 2021, 2022 and 2023 will 3 really good years.

The main purpose of this lifetime for me is to work on relationships.  Quite fitting to get this reading after the blow up with my BFF.  I don’t even remember the last time we had an argument or disagreement.  I can see this purpose being true though, as its been something I’ve been working on since being in recovery.

I’m also an 11, which means I could have psychic abilities and I’m also a healer.  I was happy to hear some positives, because I have to admit that I’m a little afraid of the upcoming year though.

She also saw a lot of money around me and said that she sees a huge shift in our finances and a career change for next year. I love my job and we are living comfortably, so none of this sounds like good news to me.  We were poor for the first years of our marriage (we were young plus I was still in college) and have worked hard to live an abundant life.  Are we going to lose everything we’ve worked so hard for?

That’s all for today.  But you know what I can do to make 2020 better?  Train for a marathon, right? <3

 

Gross Realization

I found out something last night that has been bothering me, and it’s not really something that I can talk about with anyone, so I’m going to put it here.

Let’s go back to May 2014 for a second.  We had a 13 year old boxer named Boss.  May 8th was a typical Thursday.  I picked up the kids after work and headed home to make dinner before my oldest’s baseball game.  We ate, cleaned and then headed out to the game.  Everyone was fine and normal.

When we got home, hubby was talking to his dad on the phone and I went in to let Boss outside.  Something was horribly wrong.  He was unable to stand up, kept going in circles and falling over and was extremely anxious.  It must have been a stroke, I thought.  I called for hubby to come and help and we were trying to figure out what to do.  In my mind, the only answer was to take him to the ER to have him euthanized.  I honestly, wholeheartedly thought that he had a stroke and would not get any better.  I thought it would be cruel to keep him alive.  Hubby suggested I hold my horses and he take the day off the next day to watch him.  This didn’t make any sense to me.  Bossy was in such a state and so anxious, I didn’t think it would be fair for him.  I was the one that worked at a clinic for over 10 years, and hubby looked to me to see what we should do. We dropped our boys off at my in-laws and went to the after hours clinic. I don’t remember them giving us any hope with his condition and we had him euthanized.

It’s been 5 years, and I still tell the story the same way.  It was never really a sad story though.  He had a pretty rough start in life, being a ‘puppy mill’ puppy shipped to Petland.  The clinic I worked at took care of the puppies that came in on a giant truck.  I clearly remember the obnoxious boxer puppy who had an autoimmune mange for several months.  By the time he was healthy, he was too old to be sold, so the pet store let the clinic keep him.  He was adopted out to a family with a 3 year old child.  They brought him back a couple weeks later and said he was too hyper with their kid.   Not long after, the weekend was here and we were throwing our german shepherd a birthday party for her 1st birthday.  I had an idea and brought that rambunctious boxer home for the weekend to join in the birthday festivities.  I never brought him back to the clinic. We named him Boss.

Puppy games at Marly’s Birthday party. Boss is not pictured because he was being naughty with the other dogs.

Living in a cage unsocialized for so long left him an anxious dog.  I remember my sister and her boyfriend watching him once while we were on a trip.  She called me to tell me that our dog won’t stop staring at them and she doesn’t know what to do with him.  That same sister (but different boyfriend) watched him again like 10 years later.  He was always good off leash, but must’ve been getting senile because he wandered off. They called me in a panic but found him happily and carefreely wandering the streets a few neighborhoods over.

At age 7 he had a seizure in the middle of the night, and it was determined that his thyroid was off and could have caused it.  He took thyroid medication for the rest of his life and had no more problems with it as long as he lived, plus he lost his obesity.

He had two indolent ulcers around the age of 10 and 11.  These are nasty corneal ulcers that won’t heal, and boxers are prone to getting them.   Treatment both times was brutal, and even with meds he was in a lot of pain for a day or two each time.  I remember sitting with him and crying because I didn’t know if we’d have to put him down if his eye continued to cause him so much pain.  Luckily, both times after about 24 hours of major pain (after they scraped his eye with a needed creating a grid on his eyeball to hopefully create some friction for healing) he improved and his eye healed.  It was a BIG ordeal though, and the veterinary ophthalmologist is very pricy which was also very stressful.

At age 12 they discovered a heart murmur.  I took him in for an EKG and the veterinarian told me that the heart murmur would not cause any problems during the time he had left (12 is considered pretty old for a boxer).

So when we had to him put down at 13, I didn’t have any regrets.  After all, there was nothing we could have done.

My longtime friend, who worked at the same clinic as me posted about her dog on Facebook last night.  She was at an emergency clinic with her 13 year old dog who was having a Vestibular episode.  I didn’t know what that was, so I looked it up:

You can imagine what I thought right away when I read this.  2014 was HORRIFIC.  I was diagnosed with RA, lost my dog, then lost my mom, then my grandma, then my cat ran away, then we lost a cousin and then my grandpa on the very last day.  What if Boss had made it through?  What if I listened to hubby and waited before making a hasty decision?  These are some hideous and intense thoughts and I don’t know what to do with them.

Hubby and I went to the movies last night on a rare date.  We had a few extra minutes before going in, and that’s when I made this realization.  My heart felt broken and betrayed and I felt so sick and sad, but didn’t say anything.  I still haven’t and probably won’t.  What’s there to say?  Nothing.

The only good thing I can think of is that I have Jules, and wouldn’t have him if Boss didn’t pass when he did.  We had decided to wait for a year before getting another dog, but after my mom died in July, I needed a puppy and found the one who would become Jules on the same day she passed.  And also, I’m sure he was there to greet my mom into heaven.  They had a special bond over pizza and I imagine them hanging out together.

Boss lived a long life and was very much loved <3

Messy Heart; House & Body

It’s the weekend and I am ecstatic to say goodbye to last week.  It was a good week, I mean, no one died or fell seriously ill or injured, so yay!

It was just gross.  We had a birthday party at my dad’s on Sunday and it was full of tension, emotions and stress.  It was for my son and my niece, but I regretted even showing up after being there only a few minutes.

I have no idea what’s going on with my dad.  Maybe it’s just a ton of stress.  If you’ve followed me for awhile, you’ll remember when my deputy uncle got hit by a car in January 2018.  He suffered a traumatic brain injury and has since gone through a divorce and currently lives at an assisted living facility.  That’s my dad’s brother and he stays with my dad during some weekends.  I know that his whole situation stresses my dad out, and how can it not?  It’s also caused tension within the family.  I can only imagine how difficult it would be to have to take care of one of your siblings– especially after a whole life of heath and independence.  And my dad’s future son in law tried to burn down the house, with my sister and niece sleeping up stairs.  That was in May 2019.  My sister and niece have since moved in with my dad, and he has become a major caretaker for my niece (who is 6).

So yeah, last Sunday was awful and I know I’m not over it- or done dealing with it because all week my house has been messy and I have been stuffing my face ALL week long (this was after months of clean eating and honoring my home and body).  But, the good news is that I have been showering all week– so yay!

Even Halloween was sad.  It was cold and rainy.  We usually have all the cousins on hubby’s side over, but nobody came.  My niece was sick with strep.  My other SIL declined bringing her two youngest over.  My MIL and FIL stopped by, but left as soon as the kids started trick or treating- which they always do and I’ve never understood (they live on the main road and don’t get many trick or treaters- if any at all).  My neighbor had a party like usual but didn’t text me like usual so I didn’t really feel welcomed (I thought maybe our irate new neighbor shit talked us).  It was ok, I didn’t really want to go anyways.  One year, my whole family went and stayed way too late and all played hooky the next day (without even calling the kids in- one of my Hall of Shame moments).  Last year we went and I was not drinking, but decided to that night and kept pouring their liquor.  I think I drove to work the next morning still buzzed.

I did find out from my kids the day after that we were definitely invited (they’re friends with the son) and she said to make sure we were coming.  Dang, I felt bad for not even texting or stopping by– damn assumptions I should have known better.  But I am glad that we didn’t feel obligated to go, that was a blessing.

So yeah, this pity party for myself stops here and now.  I know what I need and what I want.  It’s time for me to stop allowing fear to influence me in unhealthy ways.  I mean, a bingy day or week occasionally is fine (I think), but I do need to STOP.

It’s Saturday, around 10:00 am and I am almost ready to attack the day. I plan on exercising, eating right (spending some time cooking in the kitchen- which can be healing to me) and cleaning some things.   One good thing that happened at that birthday party is that my sister brought me a good book I loaned her a few weeks ago.  It’s a 40 day guidebook for (basically) happiness.  I’ve been reading it all week and going to start tomorrow.  Its to help identify those fears that cause us to be destructive.

I think after Sunday I felt like I did as a child (sad, angry, confused).  I now can understand better why I overate and then drank too much when younger.  I had a father who could be difficult and I had no idea on how to cope in non destructive ways.  My mother could be very difficult too.  I will say that they were good parents and always wanted the best for us– but nobody is perfect.  They did the best they could and I do know that.

Ok, that’s all I got!   I already feel better than I’ve felt all week.  It’s going to be a great day!!  Day 220 <3

 

7 Months

Today marks the 7th month I’ve been alcohol free.  Sometimes I go back to that last Day 1.  It was horrendous.  I can remember the shame in my heart and the tears in my eyes as I talked to my sister on the way into work.  I did not tell her how awful I felt and that I was finally done with alcohol.  The workday was painful– both physically and emotionally.  My head pounded, my skin was clammy and sweaty and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking.  My hubby has never threatened to leave me, but I was sure that day that he would decide that he was done with me.

That horrible day had a nice ending.  It was a mild and sunny day in late March and after work hubby and I went for a bike ride and stopped at a restaurant for dinner.  I opened up and told him that I was DONE drinking and that I wanted any last drop of alcohol out of the house.   I went to bed feeling more optimistic than I had in awhile.  That awful, horrible day 1 helped get me through the first few weeks– the weeks in which I was famous for saying F*** it.

Seven months later and I can’t believe how far I’ve come.  Not just in these 7 months, but since 2016 when I first started thinking about my drinking and deciding that I needed to make some changes.  The process for me was pretty long, but very productive.  I am SO grateful every single day <3

I think the biggest change I’ve made is not feeling so shameful about my recovery.  I plan to come out on facebook when I get to about a year.  I’ve already posted things here and there about being alcohol free.  I only do it for one reason.  I have a lot of friends/family who are big drinkers, and many have been for a long time.  I want to be an example and for them to see me looking and doing well and hopefully I can plant a seed.  A seed that persuades them to question their drinking.  That’s how it started with me, questioning my drinking and wondering how my life would be without it.  This “questioning” phase and wanting to quit– but having no idea how– lasted almost a year.  Finding sober groups and sober people is what helped me to take the first plunge into sobriety.  I hope to be that positive light for those who are still suffering.

I’ve also started writing a sobriety book.  Up until recently it was a distant thought of something I may or may not pursue in the future.  Of course I hope to publish a book that ultimately helps someone, but really I’m doing it for me.  I’m pretty terrified of sharing my story and having people that I actually know read it, so I’ve been sharing my blog more to real life people to help break down my walls of paranoia.  It’s working <3

So that’s that <3

 

Deer Day

I took a mental health day last week, and it proved to be extra beneficial to my scraped up soul.

I had been really upset with events that happened and knowing that we have to take our nephew and worrying about the impact of that on my own kids and family– along with questioning whether or not he will thrive in our home and the pressure that comes with that question, etc.  Plus I was getting behind in my classes, so I wanted to catch up on some work.

After getting everyone out the door for school and work, I made some coffee and then set up my computer and school work at the kitchen table.  Before getting to work, I noticed my kitty staring at something.  I got up and was greeted with this face..

deer face good

I always wondered if they came up to our small pond.  Now I had my answer!  I watched it for a bit, in aw at its beauty and grace.  What a blessing <3

 

The entire day was just as wonderful.  I was productive and decided to take a break around noon.  I sat on the deck and was enjoying the warm sunny day.  Once again, I noticed my kitty looking at something off to the side.  I looked and noticed a deer just laying in the side lot.   It was surprising and awesome at the same time.  I couldn’t just go in, so I laid on the deck for a bit, next to my kitty, just looking at its face while it stared at mine.  Not too long after, the deck got too hard for my old body and I had to go in to sort laundry.  THIS was the view outside my window as I sorted.  What a blessing <3

laying outside

The buck didn’t stop there (see what I did there)…

Shortly after hubby got home in the evening, we noticed a deer laying in the front yard and watched it for a bit.  Soon after I had to go out back for something and a large deer comes running from the tree line in the back and off to the side yard.  Then I noticed a whole group of them in the side yard.  By this time it was getting dark and they were hard to see,  but I was ecstatic.  We sometimes go several months without seeing a single deer.  Having so many around all day long was such a blessing <3

I woke up that day feeling desperate and sad.  Having deer all around all day long raised my vibes like nothing else.  I have to believe that this was a gift.  From the Universe, from God, from my spirit guides and my angels.  It was enormously comforting to think about and I will always be grateful for these beautiful and abundant signs <3

The Magical Mandala

 

Weird things can happen when you create something that has intentions.  There are expected intentions, and then there are unexpected intentions and it’s the unexpected ones that make your head spin.

Last summer I wrote often about reading the Lotus and the Lily book.  I had many profound experiences as I worked through this 30 day program.  Books such as The Universe Has Your Back, and The Secret introduced me to the Law of Attraction theories and practices, but it was the Lotus and the Lily that REALLY accelerated and amplified my spirituality and made me believe that the world is a playground and it is up to me to make my desires and passions come alive.

I finished the book and created my mandala (which is similar to a vision board) shortly before school started.  After going back to work, my mandala sat on my shelf and I didn’t pay much attention to it.

My sister had been reading the book with me, but was a bit behind me.  She just finished her mandala yesterday.  I was so excited, because I wouldn’t show her mine until hers was done, so I could finally share mine and I was excited to see hers too. I  quickly sent her a photo.

IMG_1189

Then I made some connections…

A month prior, I was picking up meds at the vet (the same one I used to work at for years and years).  Terri, my friend and awesome cat sitter, was checking me out and went into the back to get my meds.  The phone started ringing and I just had the biggest need out of nowhere to answer it, like I’ve answered it hundreds of times before.  But I didn’t know anyone else who was working, and they would think I was a crazy client if I just grabbed the phone, but it rang forever and I couldn’t stop it.

I didn’t think too much of this, until I was back last week.  Jules had a recheck for his toe (which looks GREAT) and I was checking out with him.  My old boss, who is like a mother figure to me, was taking a puppy who had surgery out to go potty. When she came back in, she saw me and jokingly asked if I could just help hold this puppy for her like old times.  I thought she was serious and nearly dropped my pooch and all of my belongings there in the lobby to go restrain a puppy.

That got me thinking.  Going back was always a thought in my head.  I always told them I’d come work in the summertime, when the kids are older– but it was always a faraway thought.  I suddenly had the desire to go back, like now.  Well, not right now, because quite frankly with work and the two classes I’m taking, I don’t have much spare time.  But come January, I will probably only have 1 class and could easily just volunteer one night a week.  I even brought it up to hubby- who was equally surprised as me.

Wouldn’t you know that I put a picture of me in full out VetSelect uniform holding a puppy onto my mandala? 

Silly mandala!  I put that picture on it because I want my long hair back and this was the only pic I could find with my long hair.  I just unintentionally found a passion of mine <3

IMG_1190 (1)

Other aspects of my mandala are coming true too.

I chose Healthy for my ‘word’ because I wanted that to be my direction and focus for the next several months. I intend on doing this program again within the year and making another mandala, so I didn’t have a lot of pressure when making it (nothing being final).

I had another realization after texting a picture of me in my new glasses to my sisters.  I was joking because they are big and nerdy and I love them.  My older sister said that I look like an awkward teenager (big nerdy glasses and braces) and I told her that I call myself a chubby adolescent, especially when I was on pred.

face.JPG
There is a drastic difference in my health over the past few months

That got me looking at pictures and realizing that right now I am the healthiest I’ve ever been, both inside and outside.  Hmmmmm…

Lastly, I have some beach/rainforest pics on my project.  About a week ago, totally out of the blue, my dad invites me and my family on a caribbean cruise for August 2020.  Honestly, I’m not sure if we’ll go, the dates aren’t the best for us, and it is going to add up, especially with just going from a family of 4 to a family of 5.  But we did have a few days there where we were seriously considering jumping on board.  We might still go, we are unsure.  The thing is, about 17 years ago my hubby’s grandma left for a cruise totally healthy and ended up dying on it from the flu and/or pneumonia.  We are apprehensive about crowded cruise ships and being “stuck.”   So even though we might not go, or maybe I will just go on my own- but again I didn’t even connect this situation to my mandala but can’t help but think about it now.

I think I will keep my mandala off the shelf where I can’t see it and move it to a central widely seen location.  If this amount of magic is happening from it when I’m not even thinking about it, I can’t imagine the things that could happen if I actually look at it and visualize/pray/etc.

You can read about my spiritual kookiness and roll your eyes and think that I am crazy.  Or you can jump on board and partake in the magic. I am going to link the books I talked about below.  Start with any of them.  I love them all.  I don’t think you need to read them in the order that I did.  They are all different, but all are great.

https://www.amazon.com/Lotus-Lily-Nourish-Beautiful-Abundant/dp/1573245860/ref=sr_1_1?crid=HLZYAEY1BXJG&keywords=the+lotus+and+the+lily&qid=1571573069&s=books&sprefix=the+lotus+and+%2Cstripbooks%2C164&sr=1-1

 

 

200 Days Without Alcohol

For the most part, I am feeling really good!

I feel that I’ve made tremendous emotional and spiritual growth since first getting sober in 2017.  I want to reflect today.  I’ve been thinking a lot about the many intrinsic thoughts that have changed for me– all in very good ways.  I used to have so many beliefs that just aren’t true for me anymore.  I don’t even know how I learned all of this, I think these all are byproducts of cleaning out the inside of my house, AKA my soul.

I used to think and believe many things that were mostly negative towards myself or others.  Those beliefs were unhealthy and unproductive, and although I didn’t see it at the time but I can see now how those thoughts made me sad, lonely and miserable.

 

I used to believe….. Now I believe….
That my hubby would love me more if I lost 20 pounds, or if I had long hair or was prettier.. My hubby would love me just as much even if I lost my legs, or burned half my body.  Our love is much deeper than our outside shell.
It is my fault if someone is mad at me.  If I have done nothing wrong (which was usually the case when analyzing people’s anger towards me), then their emotions are 100% about them.  Knowing this, I simply no longer worry if people are mad at me. It no longer takes up mental space, which is great because they are negative thoughts, and I don’t have extra room for meaningless negative thoughts.  
If someone does not like me, I need to reflect on me and why I’m not likable.   No, no and no!  If someone does not like me, than they do not like me.  Period. That’s about them, not me and they are entitled to their own opinion.  But it’s all them, I won’t allow it to take a second of my energy.  
My elders who are regularly duped and/or taken advantage of (by their loved ones) will wake up someday and realize the truth.  Some people will always be blinded by love.  Many of them will go to their graves without seeing my truth. That is ok.  My truth is mine, their truth is theirs.  
When something awful (and out of my control) happens, I must think about it constantly and run through different scenarios in my head. I can’t help it if negative thoughts are taking over my brain.  It was a traumatic situation and I can’t just NOT think about it. I don’t allow thought worms to take over my brain.  I will thank them and then send them on their way. Awful situations bring enough negativity, I will not let negative thoughts take over my brain.  My brain and my thoughts are mine and I now have the ability to quiet them down.  
Life is overwhelming and I can’t do hard things.   Life is hard, but so am I. I can do things that seemed impossible yesterday.  EVERYTHING in life, big or small, is accomplished with small steps. I can always put one foot in front of the other.  

 

I think one things that helped me the most with changing my negative internal beliefs is The Four Agreements book*.  Changing these negative, limiting and harmful beliefs have made me a happier and more productive person.

I have a lot more to learn, and a whole lifetime to learn it <3

 

*listed below are my Cliff notes version of the book.  I am an emerging technology student, and was unable to provide a real link, so you need to copy and paste in your browser

https://thedevildrinksvodka.com/2019/06/24/the-four-agreements-rule-1-be-impeccable-with-your-word/

https://thedevildrinksvodka.com/2019/07/22/the-four-agreements-the-second-agreement-dont-take-anything-personally/

https://thedevildrinksvodka.com/2019/08/03/the-four-agreements-agreement-3-dont-make-assumptions/

https://thedevildrinksvodka.com/2019/08/16/the-four-agreements-agreement-4-always-do-your-best/

 

All of the Crap in Life

Hey Guys!  I’ve been putting off writing this week.  This has been one of the most difficult weeks I’ve had since my mom died.  It actually has brought up many of the behaviors I had while going through grief, which is mainly extreme symptoms of ADHD, along with the constant feeling of being on edge and intense irritability.  I’ve spent my morning commute either avoiding my feelings– or crying silently on my drive in.

Last weekend was one that we had been looking forward to.  Our boys love the 80’s band Toto and we bought them tickets to a show they were playing a couple hours away.  Our teenage nephew loves Toto too, and had a birthday in September, so we took him along for his birthday.  To make it even more exciting we booked a room at a hotel with an indoor water park.

On Friday night we got a call that our nephew got kicked out by his mom and was riding towards our house on his bike.  This has been the 3rd time in the past month that she has kicked him out.  She drinks every night, then gets irate with him, and tells him to leave and to not come back.  She’ll pick him up a day or two later when sober and won’t even talk about it.  He said he’s tried to bring it up before but she won’t even listen and just drinks over it.

It was the evening of our youngest’s birthday, and we left him at home to go look for our nephew.  Luckily we found him quickly.  We told him that he can stay with us, or his uncle and that he doesn’t have to go back and live with his mom if he doesn’t want to.

So, basically, what happened was this:  THAT thing happened on Friday.  We didn’t deal with it, really, and left on Saturday to go have a fun weekend away.  It felt good to leave all of the baggage behind.  Except for when Sunday came, and then Sunday afternoon.  My nerves were so stressed not knowing what would happen with my nephew and wondering if my SIL will blow up and if it’ll be a huge fight.  As a side note, if you leave baggage behind, it is likely to grow over time.  I was not prepared for the feelings that took over on Sunday. Due to some uncontrollable circumstances, she still does not know that he has moved out.  She is finding out today, and I don’t’ know how she will react, and I worry about her coming and having an altercation with him.  So this week has been just gross and stressful and I’m in awful anticipation.  And worry, constant worry.

I’d like to think that she will see this as a good thing.  They (SIL and nephew) have not gotten along for awhile now.  BUT, she is totally irrational most of the time.  She has this belief that all of us are just trying to take her kids.  Of course that’s not the truth.  None of us want to take her kids, but we do want her kids to be taken care of.  I would take the youngest two right now if I wasn’t likely to get arrested for kidnapping.

So, we’re in the middle of this mess.  We usually look to his parents to find rationality, hope and guidance, but I can honestly say that after this week, we HAVE to be the leaders.  His parents are blinded.  This is a very desperate and lonely realization.  I can’t tell you how many times I watched my husband have SUCH an incredibly difficult conversation with his dad or our nephew, just cringing with sadness.  Such a hard/sad thing for everyone and sometimes I worry that we will reach our breaking point.

GOOD things are happening.  They are going to Al-non and they are calling it her “alcoholism” and not just making excuses like last summer.  They also are going to take my nephew to a teen Al-non group, which I think will be good for him.

BUT.. they still won’t give up on her.  We have given up on her.  So have her other siblings.  We can’t do this anymore and pretend that she is ok.  If she doesn’t change immediately we have to keep putting her kids first and foremost.

I know it’s the right thing, but if I think about taking in my nephew too hard, I start to become panicked.  My thought worms go into overdrive.  I begin to panic over the thought of a suddenly being a family of 5.  I calm myself down, it’s not much different since he spends so much time at our house, and we don’t have a choice.  I am constantly grateful that both of my kids have welcomed him with open arms, even when I tell them he’s likely to be staying permanently.  Then I worry about their health and how this could impact them.  I tell myself that the positive impacts will outweigh the negative ones.

And there’s good in all of this.  I am still alcohol free.  I am processing and dealing with an huge amount of intense feelings.  I know that there are things that I am not doing right now to properly care for myself, but that’s ok, I’ll get back to it.  I am doing some other things TO properly take care of myself- to help myself cope.  Like yesterday, I had a quiet day (for once) after work and just binge watched TV for awhile.

I am pleased that in all of this I am able to see the good and to be grateful.  While sitting in traffic on my way to work, I noticed a small and neat house right on the busy road.  It was cute and I don’t know why I felt grateful, but I was enjoying the sight of the little house, crammed between an auto shop and another home.

 

 

 

No Toe Cancer

Dr. Jones called yesterday to tell me that Jules cytology came back as inflammation only, no cancer.  I was overjoyed!

She is still concerned.  She wants him to take a course of pred and to keep him off it as much as we can.  That means no walks 🙁

We have been into a great routine this fall.  We get up most mornings and I run as fast as I can for as far as I can (which for me is like a half mile, then walk/run, walk/run, I’m not fast, but I am consistent).  I leave for work feeling satisfied that he is tired, and if I do a bike ride after work, I don’t feel guilty for not taking him.

This morning I got up early to write, and he just keeps looking at me waiting for a sign that it’s time to go on our early morning adventure.

I am not complaining, I’m just complaining.

I just didn’t love our conversation over the phone yesterday.  She thinks that even though it’s not bothering him right now (he is not licking or favoring his paw), it might become a problem in the future.   I definitely don’t want it to become more of an issue and cause him pain.  So.. I’m going to keep him off it (I WAS going to ignore that advice, but decided that probably wasn’t the best thing to do..).  I’m going to reach out to my running with dogs group on FB to see if they have any good ideas of other ways to stimulate him.  It’s hard because a lot of the brain toys have treats inside, but we are working on his weight and have to watch treats.  I suppose I could fill one with kibble and then feed him less at meal time..

I just wanted to write about our happy news.

This week has totally been a mixed bag.

On Monday I had a good workout in the am and then took a bike ride after work.  We lost power, but it was supposed to be back at 5:00. At 5:00, they bumped up the estimate to 8:00.  8:00 came and went, and we still were without power.  We are on a well, so no power means no water.  When I went to bed Monday night my house was a complete disaster.  Dishes all over the kitchen, tuna juice all in the sink (stinking), just stuff everywhere, and a laundry pile up since I couldn’t do my daily load or two.

Power came back late Monday night.  Tuesday was a great morning.   I walked into my classroom and noticed a few minutes later that my Smartboard and speakers were up!  I can’t even explain to you how excited I was!  Especially since I had almost given up hope that I would actually get one.  Another great thing is that my 1st group of the day was on a field trip, so I had an extra hour to try to figure it out.  Even in that short amount of time I was able to find several activities and lessons on it to use yesterday– and the kids loved it!   Then in the afternoon I got the “no cancer” call.

After work was kind of tough but fine.  I worked for hours catching up from the day before.  I was exhausted by night and went to bed before 9:30, but was satisfied that our home no longer looked like a war zone.

NOW it’s Wednesday.  I got up early probably because my body is ready to GO, but I’m writing instead.  I normally could jump on the treadmill or elliptical but they are in the basement, which is undergoing leak treatment.  That means one side is empty and the other side is jam packed with stuff.  There is a mildew/bleach smell in the air (not ideal for working out).   It’s getting fixed on Friday but then we are leaving for the weekend.  Hopefully next week I can get the machines set up downstairs and the air will be ok to breath.

Anyways, this might be this blog’s most boring post!  Today is day 189 🙂

Have a great day everyone <3