Day #291

Yesterday was absolutely craptastic.

It started at 6 am and was nonstop until about 7pm.

Frustration #1 was the Saturday forecast. I wouldn’t normally stress on the weekend but I had a work training & could possibly have loads of ice to drive home on. My 30 minute commute could be exponentially longer, terrifying & unsafe.

Our trainers appeared to take mercy on us & sent us an email the night before letting us know that we would work through lunch & get out early & hopefully avoid any ice.

Only the ice didn’t come. And we really didn’t get any breaks (attending a training on a Saturday from 8:00-4:00 with one 20 min break is brutal!). And we got out LATER than scheduled. And I had arranged to do a group project via Skype that I needed to get home for and would now be late. I had to delay my group & that felt so crappy.

I rushed home & called my group within minutes. I thought we would divide up the project & I could leisurely work on it the next day, Sunday.

Nope. The girls & worked with were determined to get it done. So I spent about 2 hours writing a lesson plan with them. By the end I was starving, exhausted & extremely cranky. To top it off nothing got done (AT ALL) while I was busy, so my house was a disaster. I didn’t have to clean it, my boys got it done, but just coming home to that stresses me out.

Not long ago, I would have been white knuckling, craving alcohol through all that stress. Actually, I probably would have made a drink after an hour into that phone call and finished it buzzed. Didn’t even cross my mind yesterday.

Towards the end of the call hubby left to pick up dinner. We finished our lesson & one of the girls promised to submit all of our work. I instantly felt grateful. I was ecstatic that our work was done and wildly excited for dinner. I knew I had a good chunk of time before the food arrived, and I had been consistently meditating after work this week so that’s where my mind went. I grabbed my journal (for soul writing after meditation) and went downstairs in high spirits.

The rest was great. Meditated, ate delicious food and then we watched a movie. We have another busy day today so we all got to bed at a decent time.

This morning was awesome. Got up at 6:30, chatted with a buddy & then my sister while doing laundry. Had a killer workout on the treadmill, then got ready for a Scout ceremony we are attending today.

I have so much less stress & anxiety when I take care of myself, it’s incredible.

I have a lot to do later. I have to order groceries (I’m thankful to not have to go to the store, but still need to meal plan & organize) and write a paper that’s due tomorrow, but I don’t feel stressed.

What do you do to help you manage stress? Especially when it starts piling on?

Out of Alignment

I haven’t felt aligned with the Universe for a very long time (well, since early fall or late summer).  I really don’t know if it was a very gradual shift, or if it was sudden and I just didn’t notice.  I’ve been at odds with people and situations in my life and it has been overwhelming and increasing more often lately.  I have no idea how much is made up (in my head) or created based on that psychic session I had that predicted a difficult 2020.

After another argument with hubby last night, I heard words that made me want to drop kick him and start packing my bags.

“You need to take care of your anxiety.”

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Let’s start off by talking about the poor word choice there, and I was pretty ticked for a bit, but you know what?  I think he’s right.

We continued to talk & I started to see his point. He has been accommodating to my increased needs lately. Even so, I have no patience & shitty with him too often. He pointed out that he himself makes me anxious, a recent visitor/friend made me anxious, his family makes me anxious, my family makes me anxious– increasingly more and more people and situations are putting me into a tailspin.

I haven’t even shared with him some work drama going on (I’m not involved really but it still makes me so anxious), so work has been causing me problems too.

So yeah, I’m full of negative chords and my soul is screaming in pain.

I sometimes wonder if I’m anxious with not drinking and just now finding out because I spent the past 20 years self medicating with alcohol.

Additionally, I haven’t been very healthy lately.  I haven’t exercised this week & have been eating pretty carelessly. I haven’t meditated either. Also I’m using pot.

I have a long love story with pot.  I used to use it when I drank.  When I first started to sober up, I avoided it because I felt it triggered me to drink.  So during drinking periods I would use it, but would abstain during periods of sobriety.  This summer I discovered that I could use a vape pen (mildly alters the mind) and not be triggered.

It was nice, that I could do that at a party where everyone is drinking and alter my mind a little.  But it wasn’t limited to parties and I started to do it all the time.  Even though it doesn’t have nearly the amount of repercussions as alcohol does, it still feels like I’m going down that rabbit hole.

I think this might be a huge part of my problem along with the other lifestyle changes.  Taking in our nephew has also created extra stress and I’m sure that’s a factor as well.  As long as I’m not taking care of myself and continuing to shove in food and drugs, I would imagine NOT being able to cope with stress, at least properly.

Sooooo…. looks like I have some work to do. I want to make these changes first but realize that I might still need anxiety meds, we’ll see.

It’s Day 287 alcohol free today, I’m thankful for that! 🖤

Hope you all are having a great week!

 

Day 283

The lessons never stop coming, good and bad. I spent way too many years numb to them, just snoozing through life barely surviving, with no understanding of true happiness & fulfillment.

I’m feeling clearer & clearer with each passing month. I am happy, but the joyous feelings come & go– which is normal and ok. Instead of being numb 100% of the time, I feel the highs and lows of everyday life. This is a blessing. The natural highs are truly wonderful. And the lows keep us grounded and grateful for the good times.

I look back at my first blog posts and am astounded at how much I’ve grown and changed since that 1st little voice piped up & told me that I was drinking too much and needed to stop.

Now, a few years, some relapses, many many day 1’s later and here I am at day 283 😎☀️

Stuff It

This holiday season I’ve had a gigantic aversion to stuff.  It may have started this fall when I was so busy with classes, plus we adopted a 3rd kid and all of his stuff, and our basement is still in disarray from the flood and then not finishing the bedroom down there yet.. my entire house is getting taken over by stuff that we hardly ever use.

Christmas shopping for my nieces and nephews, especially the young ones, is usually easy.  There are hundreds of toys to choose from and I usually pick out something that I would have loved, like a fur real pet– or a cool science set.  This year it was torturous– I’m not sure why.  I must have picked up and put back dozens of toys.  It all felt cheap, and pointless and meaningless and cluttered.  I just kept thinking that instead of picking out a stupid toy, we should be planning a fun event with them instead, even if it’s a simple as a sleepover with snacks and a movie night.

Shopping for our parents was just as stupid.  I would have rather given them tickets to an event- or a night out.  But I didn’t plan good enough for that (we did our shopping on December 23rd).

Next year I want to alleviate a lot of my holiday stress.  I mentioned to hubby that next year maybe we shouldn’t do any gifts at all and just do experiences around November/December.  Would this be better or more stressful?  I’m not sure.  I feel good about this, but pretty sure I got called a Scrooge when I mentioned no gifts.  I guess I just meant no tangible gifts– there’s a difference.

In today’s world, I think we have way too much stuff.  We think all of this stuff makes us happy.  It’s an illusion, a false belief.  Buying X, Y and Z only fills that heartsick void for so long and then you’re back to longing for that happy feeling.  I want to be conscious of every new thing I’m tempted to bring into my already cluttered up home.  I want to purge all of those things that haven’t been used in months.

What do you think?  Do you think that giving out experiences for Christmas gifts is lame?  What makes your holiday less stressful?

 

 

Holiday Meltdown

December 27th here–  we made it through the holidays, some unscathed and others not.

This holiday season taught me two things: to try to find the good and sometimes you have to put yourself first, even if it’s uncomfortable.

I think this is my 1st completely sober full holiday season.   If I’m remembering correctly, in 2017 I was having a good sober run but would keep drinking every few weeks.  I ended up drinking during Thanksgiving, but think that I stayed sober Christmas Eve (I might be wrong).  In 2018 I stayed sober on Thanksgiving and intended on continuing but got into my dad’s vodka on Christmas Eve.  So that is GOOD, albeit the disastrous couple of days we had.

It WAS a disaster.  A complete shit show.  And all of it was created in my mind– in my head.  BUT.. I survived, hubby did too and that alone may have been our Christmas miracle.

The good in this is that we did US.  Well, ok, we did ME.  I say that because it’s ME that has all of this holiday anxiety.

Hubby reminded me, as we had another emotional conversation on Christmas Day, that holidays have always been stressful for me– always.  And that’s typically a time that I numb out with alcohol.  I’ve drank at family Christmas parties for YEARS.  When my mom was alive we would always do Christmas Eve with her family and I would never remember the trip home- or getting the presents ready.  Christmas morning would always be a little rough with excited kiddos eagerly waiting for us to get up early in the wee morning– and me nursing another horrendous hangover.  SOOOO… Christmas 2019 resulted in like 20 years of suppressed emotions from holiday stress coming out with a vengeance.  It was not pretty, and was not limited to just one meltdown.

So what?

We lived and learned and we will not be doing that again.  We are making some changes for next year that will hopefully lower some of the stress and anxiety.  After all, December 25th is just ONE day, not THE day.  Christmas Day this year was extremely extremely uncomfortable.  We stayed at my inlaws for a brief time and left quickly without saying goodbye to everyone, which felt awful to me.  I wanted to escape quietly and leave hubby there to not create a scene or drama, but he insisted on being with me that day (he knew I was struggling so much).

We left to run a present out to my dad’s that we had forgot, while our kids stayed at the in-laws.  We took our time at my dad’s and it was nice to visit him without a houseful of people.  His new girlfriend was there too, we met her for the 1st time on Christmas Eve.  I don’t want to get attached, but I really like her so far.   Since my mom died, he’s had a lot of girl “friends” but he hasn’t gotten attached until now.  It was nice having a feminine touch at his house and she seems well put together and to genuinely care for him and seems like a kind person (which is really most important, right?).  When we got home I was feeling so ancy about us being gone and our kids still at the Christmas party and I wanted hubby to go back over there.  His parents were leaving for Florida the next day and I kept thinking that if something happens to them on their trip, hubby will never forgive me for keeping him away the last day he spent with them (sweet baby Jesus, future tripping at it’s finest).  Hubby said NO.  “It is ok that we are not there.”

Later on it became clearer to me, WE put US first.  We HAD to.  And maybe it was more like he put ME first, but that needed to happen as well.  I wasn’t being selfish, I was literally having a nervous breakdown.  It made me feel guilty to skip out, but it was necessary.  And we will more than likely do it again– but perhaps in a less tacky manner.

The second thing that I’ve learned is to try to find the good in bad situations.  I guess I kind of knew this but it’s hit home lately.

My holiday meltdown started on Christmas Eve day.  I was FREAKING out.  I basically told my husband that our marriage is not going to work, and it was mainly because of his family.  I don’t want to go into a lot of details here, but I was truly convinced for much of that day that my marriage was over.

When we go through rough times I sometimes wonder if I would actually leave.  It’s normally the man that leaves, but since we bought his parents old house and live adjacent to them, I would not want to stay.  I’ve sometimes wondered if I can even afford to live on my own.  Sometimes I’ve wondered if I would stay to avoid living in poverty.  Well, I got my answer, I would NOT stay, not for the sake of comfort.

On that day, that gosh awful day, I did some house hunting.  I found the cutest little house in my old neighborhood right by the old beach that Debbie and I used to frequent as kids.  I got so excited at the prospect of living on my own in a cute little house with a fenced backyard for my dog to play.  I realized that I CAN be independent and happy.  This was a huge realization for me.  I love my hubby, very much.  He is kind, smart & successful at his career, he is an amazing father, he puts our family 1st– always, and he has been my number 1 cheerleader throughout my entire sober journey.  BUT I don’t want to stay for the wrong reasons and this experience made me realize that I don’t need to stay with him, but I do want to.  I believe that deep down I used to doubt this, but now I KNOW and it is such a powerful thing.  That was actually a really great thing to come out of this situation.

Lastly, after this wonderful year that is about to be over (no sarcasm, 2019 WAS pretty darn good to me), I want to work on simplifying my life.  Therefore,  simplicity is my word for 2020.  I have SO much clutter in my life right now, both inside and out and I want to really work on clearing it away.

Today marks 9 month alcohol free.  Boy what a wild ride it’s been!  I am so freakin’ grateful <3 <3 <3

 

 

 

 

 

Thank You, Universe

When I was at a new school in 2013, I was going through severe and random health problems.  I was mad, sad and scared, but the Universe put a woman in my life who was diagnosed with a chronic illness at my same age, and who helped me see that these problems, although seemingly arbitrary, were all connected.  And that it was normal to be depressed after being diagnosed with a chronic and possibly debilitating disease.  This friend’s chronic disease was Type 1 Diabetes and although she was no longer part of my work family, she was back to support me again 3 years later when my 13 year old son was diagnosed with diabetes. Thank you Universe.

When my mom died suddenly in 2014, I was blessed again.  Friends and acquaintances who lost a parent, or another loved one, showed up in droves.   Within a couple months two people in my same department suddenly lost their mom.  The first time I saw them at a meeting we cried together.  It was beautiful. Thank you Universe.

When my son was diagnosed with Juvenile diabetes, friends showed up.  I had 3 friends (all from work) who were Type 1 Diabetics and a 4th work friend who is a type 2 Diabetic.  We handled our 13-year-old’s predicament like rock stars.  We didn’t cry and we didn’t feel sorry for him (in front of him).  But we were not ok, and my friends who would check in during the weeks and months after were a godsend.  Thank you Universe. 

In 2016 when I accepted that I had a drinking problem and decided to stop, I found connections.  I knew NO ONE in my situation in real life, and really truly thought that it was a rare problem.  In due time, I found a tribe of people JUST like me.  People who were happy, successful and GOOD people (if you’ve never been in active addiction, then you may not know it– but the shame involved is super intense and ruins every last bit of any self esteem you may have left).  Within this tribe I found MY people, and made strong connections with certain individuals.  These individuals continue to provide me with friendship, support and love.  They have seen me at my worst and gone through my hundreds of day 1’s with me.  I am SO grateful for each and every one.  Thank you Universe.

Now I’m going through a difficult time with extended family.  Sadly, it’s not a situation that is super rare these days, but really no one seems to talk about it.   I am so blessed to have a couple close friends who are literally going through the same situation.  While I would do anything to resolve any of our situations immediately (and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy), it’s priceless to have people listen to you rant when you know that they GET it.  They’ve been there– or are there now.  I feel so blessed to have this support.  Thank you Universe.

I think the Universe and God has been so good to me.  No life is perfect and we will always have our suffering.  I have been blessed with so many great connections that are so meaningful to me.

Look for the light when you are in the dark.

Be the light, whenever possible <3

Thank you, Universe!

Holiday Hooplas

Today is day 263 alcohol free!   I think, most definitely, the hardest thing right now is coping with the cold and holidays without numbing out.  I first tried to get sober in 2017 and ended up drinking over Thanksgiving, and some on the holiday break but not on Christmas/Christmas eve.  In 2018 I was able to stay sober during Thanksgiving, but helped myself to my dad’s vodka on Christmas eve.  THIS year I plan to stay sober until it’s all over, but admit that these past couple of weeks have been extremely trying.

I guess I haven’t written since that wonderful Thanksgiving holiday.  The one where my MIL was angry and vented to me– which I soaked up and in return poured out my heart, all of which was probably chewed up and spit out like a lump of tasteless gum– if I’m very lucky, maybe I planted a seed, but highly doubt it given her emotional distraughtness.  I haven’t seen her since, and don’t plan to anytime soon, I’m in need of major boundaries and going to protect my sobriety 100%.  I came to a hard and sad realization that weekend, after hearing a conversation between my husband and his father.  I want to say that I’ll never forgive them– but it’s not that.  I’m not really angry at them, I just don’t want anything to do with them– not anytime soon anyways.

Hubby flip-flops on the subject, and that is making me crazy also.  We typically spend Christmas Day at his parents house.  Since Thanksgiving I’ve been stressing out about Christmas Day.  I don’t want to go over there, it’s the last place I want to go.   But I also didn’t want to spend Christmas alone.

Since then, we talked about going away for that week, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.  I really don’t want to go away, I have a lot to do here.  I decided that on Christmas Day, I’m going to stay home alone and do all of my favorite things.  I’m actually looking forward to it now.

Even though the Thanksgiving holiday was super gross, I made it a great weekend.  The next day in all of my sadness and irritation, I got on my treadmill and ran a full 5K!  This is something that I’ve never done–could have but never pushed myself.  It may have taken me 55 minutes, but HEY that’s 55 minutes that I was in a slow jog burning more calories than walking!  Running a full 5K was on my 2019 bucket list and I felt elated to cross it off.  Since then, I’ve been ramping up my runs and want to sign up for a half marathon in Feb or March.  The running thing is probably the #1 reason why I am able to almost keep it together currently– it is so good for my mental state and I love it.

Anyways, that’s all I’ve got.   Definitely just taking it one day at a time right now <3

 

 

MUD

We’ve been taking care of our 16 year old nephew since early October.  We are trying our best to do right by him, including encouraging him to have a decent relationship with his mom– my hubby’s sister.

We encouraged him to reach out to her to spend some time with her over the holiday break.   I wasn’t sure if he would– but he did, and I was proud of him for doing so.   He went to my in-laws on Wednesday afternoon to spend time with them, his mom and his brother and sister making pies for Thursday.   They called us around 8:00 to tell us that he would be staying the night at his mom’s.  We were excited for him to be spending time over there.

It ended quickly.  I don’t know all what happened, but my sister-in-law drank to the point of becoming psycho.  Her blood sugar was over 500 (she is diabetic).  911 was called, and because she has a history of being combative, they automatically sent cops.  My in-laws got the kids and my nephew came back to our house before 11pm.  So much for that idea!  I’ve been on a super early schedule, so I was fast asleep when it all went down.  My biggest worry when I woke up and told me was that my nephew probably thinks it’s his fault and how do we help him understand that it’s not?

My diabetic sister-in-law spent Thanksgiving in the hospital, and my mother-in-law was ANGRY.

She was ANGRY at my nephew.  He shouldn’t have locked himself in his room when he got to his mom’s.  This stressed her out and it’s his fault.

She was ANGRY at SIL’s doctor.  He changed her insulin to one made in China, and now she’s having a hard time controlling her blood sugar.  Never mind that she has never, ever, has been able to control her blood sugar and has been in the hospital with the same condition countless times before.

She was ANGRY at a lot of other people for a lot of unimportant things.

The only person she seemed to not be angry at is my SIL.

I was proud of myself, I spoke up.  I told my MIL some truths.  Like “She needs to be a parent instead of locking herself in her room and drinking.”  And when MIL was crying that the little had to read a book about “I love my daddy” and that’s why she’s not improving her reading skills (her daddy is in jail and not coming back) and that reading it caused her to regress and have emotional breakdowns, I told her “She has to find a way to help the kids deal with this. They aren’t the only kids who lost a parent but she is going to have to address it with them.”

What I wanted to say was STOP blaming every single external stimulus out there.  In retrospect, I think everything I said fell on totally deaf ears– I don’t even think a seed was planted.  But it was good for my peace of mind.  And looking back, and judging by how I feel this morning, maybe I just need to not associate with them at all.

I’m not sure that I will make it over there on Christmas Day.  I might wake up with the flu.  I don’t know, I do know that at this point in time I am putting my mental health first- but BOY this seems to be testing HARD with every family party we go to.  When that time comes, I am going to listen to my soul.

I literally want to do nothing but cry right now.  I’ve been running hard and intend on soaking my treadmill later with more than sweat.  It’ll be so therapeutic and good though, I can’t wait.  I need more positive outlets, especially with the hard year of lessons approaching.

Ironically, my best friend who I had a falling out with (sort of) last weekend finally messaged me back.  Well, I sent her a happy thanksgiving post in the morning and she finally texted me back last night.  Yesterday, her 12 year old niece got dropped off and will probably be staying with her long term.  Almost the IDENTICAL situation as me and my nephew.  Even the niece’s mom and grandma are so mad at the niece, blaming her for everything, while she cleans and takes care of her little brother.  My BFF says that the niece has always been good for her (I know the niece, she’s friends with my kids and have known each other their whole lives, she’s a sweet girl– always has been).  The nieces mom drinks constantly and now my friend is worried about her little brother– similar to me worrying about my SIL’s little ones.  WTF is wrong with everyone???????   Is it just my circle????  How do I escape????

While I trudge through the mud, I’ll be looking forward to the big and beautiful lotus.

 

Lotus

2020

I did something yesterday for the first time ever.  I talked to a psychic medium.  I’m glad that it was over an hour drive there and back and that I had a lot of alone time before and after, because I needed to process the things I heard.

I’m not sure what all to say.   The whole day was weird.  I started the morning by relaxing and finishing a movie I started Friday night called “Brittany Runs a Marathon.”  I should explain that hubby and all 3 boys (my two plus our adopted nephew) left Friday night for a Boy Scout camping trip, and I was totally looking forward to a quiet house.  I won’t dwell on the movie, but do recommend it, it was so good!  Any woman who has dealt with hardships pertaining to self-esteem should watch this.  It makes me want to start training for a marathon, like right meow.

My BFF who lives in Bay City was supposed to come and have girl time with me (her idea, much needed on her end, she said).  She usually flakes out on me and it has made me feel irritated since it happened last spring.  It’s bothered me so much that I’ve talked to a few other people I’m close to about it.  I didn’t think it was fair to be talking about how annoyed I was at my BF without her even knowing, so when she cancelled on me yesterday, I told her exactly how I felt.  I wasn’t mean or threatening and tried to be supportive, understanding that she has needs too.  I was not well received.  She was very defensive, very sorry, very down on herself, gave me a hundred excuses and then didn’t message me back.  I don’t feel bad about this situation. I did at first, thinking that she was already anxious and depressed and by dumping all my feelings on her I made her feel worse.  But after sitting on it for a day, I know the truth.  I could have kept it in and let it fester, it’s good that I got it out.  She has to know how her actions affect others.

So, after that tift, I set out on a journey to a faraway city all by myself, kicking myself for making a good friend feel bad.  A little bit into the trip, there was a car in the left lane that would not move over. Being a jerky driver, I tailgated him. I knew he was getting mad because he kept washing his windshield showering me with water.  I kept on him, just wanting him to move over, all the while everyone was passing him on the right.  I have a problem driving and I am not patient, but I am working on this.  I told myself that this guy is a lesson and I need to chill out and hang back.  But it was hard not to tailgate him and he soon threw a drink at my car (not the cup, just the liquid) and he was going slower than ever.  Well by now I was kind of too frightened to pass him on the right so I just kept behind him.  He moved over after a little bit (not because of me, I think he was exiting) and I was a little nervous to pass him and prayed he didn’t have a gun (people are crazy with road rage!).  As I passed he made a shooting gesture but just with his hand, luckily, but it was all kind of odd.

It was a miracle that I made it to this psychic/holistic fair I was going to.  It was in a little neighborhood church in downtown Saginaw.  I didn’t think I was going to find it for a minute.  I wanted to listen to my soul and didn’t know if I would actually walk inside or if I would circle the parking lot and go right home, kind of like going to your first AA meeting.

I wanted two things: to talk to my mom and to try to figure out my life and if I’m on track/what am I supposed to be doing??   I read about the psychics and picked the one who I felt most drawn to.  I shopped around for a bit while I waited for my turn.

I was apprehensive and skeptical.  Her session was for 20 minutes and she asked if I wanted a Tarot card reading or for her to channel spirits, but really I wanted both so I was able to book a double session.

She gave me the cards to hold (so they could get my energy) while she communicated with spirits.

My mom was there right away.  She glowed with happiness when I asked her if she gave me the message to buy the Glenda house.  She also glowed with happiness when talking about someone who must be my oldest son (was talking about someone performing on a stage- which he has done and is now talking about taking a theater class).  She told me to stop making lists and being so serious and anxious.  She also told me that there’s something big, but I don’t have enough information yet. I’m on the right track but just have to hang tight and wait to see everything play out.  Boy this could describe many situations in my life right now.  I guess overall it was very reassuring and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

My Tarot card reading was a little more unsettling.  The cards I got showed tremendous spiritual growth and change in 2019– which was all accurate.  According to my birthday, 2020 will be a big year for me lessons wise.  This is telling of a difficult year.  The upside of it is that 2021, 2022 and 2023 will 3 really good years.

The main purpose of this lifetime for me is to work on relationships.  Quite fitting to get this reading after the blow up with my BFF.  I don’t even remember the last time we had an argument or disagreement.  I can see this purpose being true though, as its been something I’ve been working on since being in recovery.

I’m also an 11, which means I could have psychic abilities and I’m also a healer.  I was happy to hear some positives, because I have to admit that I’m a little afraid of the upcoming year though.

She also saw a lot of money around me and said that she sees a huge shift in our finances and a career change for next year. I love my job and we are living comfortably, so none of this sounds like good news to me.  We were poor for the first years of our marriage (we were young plus I was still in college) and have worked hard to live an abundant life.  Are we going to lose everything we’ve worked so hard for?

That’s all for today.  But you know what I can do to make 2020 better?  Train for a marathon, right? <3

 

Gross Realization

I found out something last night that has been bothering me, and it’s not really something that I can talk about with anyone, so I’m going to put it here.

Let’s go back to May 2014 for a second.  We had a 13 year old boxer named Boss.  May 8th was a typical Thursday.  I picked up the kids after work and headed home to make dinner before my oldest’s baseball game.  We ate, cleaned and then headed out to the game.  Everyone was fine and normal.

When we got home, hubby was talking to his dad on the phone and I went in to let Boss outside.  Something was horribly wrong.  He was unable to stand up, kept going in circles and falling over and was extremely anxious.  It must have been a stroke, I thought.  I called for hubby to come and help and we were trying to figure out what to do.  In my mind, the only answer was to take him to the ER to have him euthanized.  I honestly, wholeheartedly thought that he had a stroke and would not get any better.  I thought it would be cruel to keep him alive.  Hubby suggested I hold my horses and he take the day off the next day to watch him.  This didn’t make any sense to me.  Bossy was in such a state and so anxious, I didn’t think it would be fair for him.  I was the one that worked at a clinic for over 10 years, and hubby looked to me to see what we should do. We dropped our boys off at my in-laws and went to the after hours clinic. I don’t remember them giving us any hope with his condition and we had him euthanized.

It’s been 5 years, and I still tell the story the same way.  It was never really a sad story though.  He had a pretty rough start in life, being a ‘puppy mill’ puppy shipped to Petland.  The clinic I worked at took care of the puppies that came in on a giant truck.  I clearly remember the obnoxious boxer puppy who had an autoimmune mange for several months.  By the time he was healthy, he was too old to be sold, so the pet store let the clinic keep him.  He was adopted out to a family with a 3 year old child.  They brought him back a couple weeks later and said he was too hyper with their kid.   Not long after, the weekend was here and we were throwing our german shepherd a birthday party for her 1st birthday.  I had an idea and brought that rambunctious boxer home for the weekend to join in the birthday festivities.  I never brought him back to the clinic. We named him Boss.

Puppy games at Marly’s Birthday party. Boss is not pictured because he was being naughty with the other dogs.

Living in a cage unsocialized for so long left him an anxious dog.  I remember my sister and her boyfriend watching him once while we were on a trip.  She called me to tell me that our dog won’t stop staring at them and she doesn’t know what to do with him.  That same sister (but different boyfriend) watched him again like 10 years later.  He was always good off leash, but must’ve been getting senile because he wandered off. They called me in a panic but found him happily and carefreely wandering the streets a few neighborhoods over.

At age 7 he had a seizure in the middle of the night, and it was determined that his thyroid was off and could have caused it.  He took thyroid medication for the rest of his life and had no more problems with it as long as he lived, plus he lost his obesity.

He had two indolent ulcers around the age of 10 and 11.  These are nasty corneal ulcers that won’t heal, and boxers are prone to getting them.   Treatment both times was brutal, and even with meds he was in a lot of pain for a day or two each time.  I remember sitting with him and crying because I didn’t know if we’d have to put him down if his eye continued to cause him so much pain.  Luckily, both times after about 24 hours of major pain (after they scraped his eye with a needed creating a grid on his eyeball to hopefully create some friction for healing) he improved and his eye healed.  It was a BIG ordeal though, and the veterinary ophthalmologist is very pricy which was also very stressful.

At age 12 they discovered a heart murmur.  I took him in for an EKG and the veterinarian told me that the heart murmur would not cause any problems during the time he had left (12 is considered pretty old for a boxer).

So when we had to him put down at 13, I didn’t have any regrets.  After all, there was nothing we could have done.

My longtime friend, who worked at the same clinic as me posted about her dog on Facebook last night.  She was at an emergency clinic with her 13 year old dog who was having a Vestibular episode.  I didn’t know what that was, so I looked it up:

You can imagine what I thought right away when I read this.  2014 was HORRIFIC.  I was diagnosed with RA, lost my dog, then lost my mom, then my grandma, then my cat ran away, then we lost a cousin and then my grandpa on the very last day.  What if Boss had made it through?  What if I listened to hubby and waited before making a hasty decision?  These are some hideous and intense thoughts and I don’t know what to do with them.

Hubby and I went to the movies last night on a rare date.  We had a few extra minutes before going in, and that’s when I made this realization.  My heart felt broken and betrayed and I felt so sick and sad, but didn’t say anything.  I still haven’t and probably won’t.  What’s there to say?  Nothing.

The only good thing I can think of is that I have Jules, and wouldn’t have him if Boss didn’t pass when he did.  We had decided to wait for a year before getting another dog, but after my mom died in July, I needed a puppy and found the one who would become Jules on the same day she passed.  And also, I’m sure he was there to greet my mom into heaven.  They had a special bond over pizza and I imagine them hanging out together.

Boss lived a long life and was very much loved <3