Gross Realization

I found out something last night that has been bothering me, and it’s not really something that I can talk about with anyone, so I’m going to put it here.

Let’s go back to May 2014 for a second.  We had a 13 year old boxer named Boss.  May 8th was a typical Thursday.  I picked up the kids after work and headed home to make dinner before my oldest’s baseball game.  We ate, cleaned and then headed out to the game.  Everyone was fine and normal.

When we got home, hubby was talking to his dad on the phone and I went in to let Boss outside.  Something was horribly wrong.  He was unable to stand up, kept going in circles and falling over and was extremely anxious.  It must have been a stroke, I thought.  I called for hubby to come and help and we were trying to figure out what to do.  In my mind, the only answer was to take him to the ER to have him euthanized.  I honestly, wholeheartedly thought that he had a stroke and would not get any better.  I thought it would be cruel to keep him alive.  Hubby suggested I hold my horses and he take the day off the next day to watch him.  This didn’t make any sense to me.  Bossy was in such a state and so anxious, I didn’t think it would be fair for him.  I was the one that worked at a clinic for over 10 years, and hubby looked to me to see what we should do. We dropped our boys off at my in-laws and went to the after hours clinic. I don’t remember them giving us any hope with his condition and we had him euthanized.

It’s been 5 years, and I still tell the story the same way.  It was never really a sad story though.  He had a pretty rough start in life, being a ‘puppy mill’ puppy shipped to Petland.  The clinic I worked at took care of the puppies that came in on a giant truck.  I clearly remember the obnoxious boxer puppy who had an autoimmune mange for several months.  By the time he was healthy, he was too old to be sold, so the pet store let the clinic keep him.  He was adopted out to a family with a 3 year old child.  They brought him back a couple weeks later and said he was too hyper with their kid.   Not long after, the weekend was here and we were throwing our german shepherd a birthday party for her 1st birthday.  I had an idea and brought that rambunctious boxer home for the weekend to join in the birthday festivities.  I never brought him back to the clinic. We named him Boss.

Puppy games at Marly’s Birthday party. Boss is not pictured because he was being naughty with the other dogs.

Living in a cage unsocialized for so long left him an anxious dog.  I remember my sister and her boyfriend watching him once while we were on a trip.  She called me to tell me that our dog won’t stop staring at them and she doesn’t know what to do with him.  That same sister (but different boyfriend) watched him again like 10 years later.  He was always good off leash, but must’ve been getting senile because he wandered off. They called me in a panic but found him happily and carefreely wandering the streets a few neighborhoods over.

At age 7 he had a seizure in the middle of the night, and it was determined that his thyroid was off and could have caused it.  He took thyroid medication for the rest of his life and had no more problems with it as long as he lived, plus he lost his obesity.

He had two indolent ulcers around the age of 10 and 11.  These are nasty corneal ulcers that won’t heal, and boxers are prone to getting them.   Treatment both times was brutal, and even with meds he was in a lot of pain for a day or two each time.  I remember sitting with him and crying because I didn’t know if we’d have to put him down if his eye continued to cause him so much pain.  Luckily, both times after about 24 hours of major pain (after they scraped his eye with a needed creating a grid on his eyeball to hopefully create some friction for healing) he improved and his eye healed.  It was a BIG ordeal though, and the veterinary ophthalmologist is very pricy which was also very stressful.

At age 12 they discovered a heart murmur.  I took him in for an EKG and the veterinarian told me that the heart murmur would not cause any problems during the time he had left (12 is considered pretty old for a boxer).

So when we had to him put down at 13, I didn’t have any regrets.  After all, there was nothing we could have done.

My longtime friend, who worked at the same clinic as me posted about her dog on Facebook last night.  She was at an emergency clinic with her 13 year old dog who was having a Vestibular episode.  I didn’t know what that was, so I looked it up:

You can imagine what I thought right away when I read this.  2014 was HORRIFIC.  I was diagnosed with RA, lost my dog, then lost my mom, then my grandma, then my cat ran away, then we lost a cousin and then my grandpa on the very last day.  What if Boss had made it through?  What if I listened to hubby and waited before making a hasty decision?  These are some hideous and intense thoughts and I don’t know what to do with them.

Hubby and I went to the movies last night on a rare date.  We had a few extra minutes before going in, and that’s when I made this realization.  My heart felt broken and betrayed and I felt so sick and sad, but didn’t say anything.  I still haven’t and probably won’t.  What’s there to say?  Nothing.

The only good thing I can think of is that I have Jules, and wouldn’t have him if Boss didn’t pass when he did.  We had decided to wait for a year before getting another dog, but after my mom died in July, I needed a puppy and found the one who would become Jules on the same day she passed.  And also, I’m sure he was there to greet my mom into heaven.  They had a special bond over pizza and I imagine them hanging out together.

Boss lived a long life and was very much loved <3

Messy Heart; House & Body

It’s the weekend and I am ecstatic to say goodbye to last week.  It was a good week, I mean, no one died or fell seriously ill or injured, so yay!

It was just gross.  We had a birthday party at my dad’s on Sunday and it was full of tension, emotions and stress.  It was for my son and my niece, but I regretted even showing up after being there only a few minutes.

I have no idea what’s going on with my dad.  Maybe it’s just a ton of stress.  If you’ve followed me for awhile, you’ll remember when my deputy uncle got hit by a car in January 2018.  He suffered a traumatic brain injury and has since gone through a divorce and currently lives at an assisted living facility.  That’s my dad’s brother and he stays with my dad during some weekends.  I know that his whole situation stresses my dad out, and how can it not?  It’s also caused tension within the family.  I can only imagine how difficult it would be to have to take care of one of your siblings– especially after a whole life of heath and independence.  And my dad’s future son in law tried to burn down the house, with my sister and niece sleeping up stairs.  That was in May 2019.  My sister and niece have since moved in with my dad, and he has become a major caretaker for my niece (who is 6).

So yeah, last Sunday was awful and I know I’m not over it- or done dealing with it because all week my house has been messy and I have been stuffing my face ALL week long (this was after months of clean eating and honoring my home and body).  But, the good news is that I have been showering all week– so yay!

Even Halloween was sad.  It was cold and rainy.  We usually have all the cousins on hubby’s side over, but nobody came.  My niece was sick with strep.  My other SIL declined bringing her two youngest over.  My MIL and FIL stopped by, but left as soon as the kids started trick or treating- which they always do and I’ve never understood (they live on the main road and don’t get many trick or treaters- if any at all).  My neighbor had a party like usual but didn’t text me like usual so I didn’t really feel welcomed (I thought maybe our irate new neighbor shit talked us).  It was ok, I didn’t really want to go anyways.  One year, my whole family went and stayed way too late and all played hooky the next day (without even calling the kids in- one of my Hall of Shame moments).  Last year we went and I was not drinking, but decided to that night and kept pouring their liquor.  I think I drove to work the next morning still buzzed.

I did find out from my kids the day after that we were definitely invited (they’re friends with the son) and she said to make sure we were coming.  Dang, I felt bad for not even texting or stopping by– damn assumptions I should have known better.  But I am glad that we didn’t feel obligated to go, that was a blessing.

So yeah, this pity party for myself stops here and now.  I know what I need and what I want.  It’s time for me to stop allowing fear to influence me in unhealthy ways.  I mean, a bingy day or week occasionally is fine (I think), but I do need to STOP.

It’s Saturday, around 10:00 am and I am almost ready to attack the day. I plan on exercising, eating right (spending some time cooking in the kitchen- which can be healing to me) and cleaning some things.   One good thing that happened at that birthday party is that my sister brought me a good book I loaned her a few weeks ago.  It’s a 40 day guidebook for (basically) happiness.  I’ve been reading it all week and going to start tomorrow.  Its to help identify those fears that cause us to be destructive.

I think after Sunday I felt like I did as a child (sad, angry, confused).  I now can understand better why I overate and then drank too much when younger.  I had a father who could be difficult and I had no idea on how to cope in non destructive ways.  My mother could be very difficult too.  I will say that they were good parents and always wanted the best for us– but nobody is perfect.  They did the best they could and I do know that.

Ok, that’s all I got!   I already feel better than I’ve felt all week.  It’s going to be a great day!!  Day 220 <3

 

7 Months

Today marks the 7th month I’ve been alcohol free.  Sometimes I go back to that last Day 1.  It was horrendous.  I can remember the shame in my heart and the tears in my eyes as I talked to my sister on the way into work.  I did not tell her how awful I felt and that I was finally done with alcohol.  The workday was painful– both physically and emotionally.  My head pounded, my skin was clammy and sweaty and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking.  My hubby has never threatened to leave me, but I was sure that day that he would decide that he was done with me.

That horrible day had a nice ending.  It was a mild and sunny day in late March and after work hubby and I went for a bike ride and stopped at a restaurant for dinner.  I opened up and told him that I was DONE drinking and that I wanted any last drop of alcohol out of the house.   I went to bed feeling more optimistic than I had in awhile.  That awful, horrible day 1 helped get me through the first few weeks– the weeks in which I was famous for saying F*** it.

Seven months later and I can’t believe how far I’ve come.  Not just in these 7 months, but since 2016 when I first started thinking about my drinking and deciding that I needed to make some changes.  The process for me was pretty long, but very productive.  I am SO grateful every single day <3

I think the biggest change I’ve made is not feeling so shameful about my recovery.  I plan to come out on facebook when I get to about a year.  I’ve already posted things here and there about being alcohol free.  I only do it for one reason.  I have a lot of friends/family who are big drinkers, and many have been for a long time.  I want to be an example and for them to see me looking and doing well and hopefully I can plant a seed.  A seed that persuades them to question their drinking.  That’s how it started with me, questioning my drinking and wondering how my life would be without it.  This “questioning” phase and wanting to quit– but having no idea how– lasted almost a year.  Finding sober groups and sober people is what helped me to take the first plunge into sobriety.  I hope to be that positive light for those who are still suffering.

I’ve also started writing a sobriety book.  Up until recently it was a distant thought of something I may or may not pursue in the future.  Of course I hope to publish a book that ultimately helps someone, but really I’m doing it for me.  I’m pretty terrified of sharing my story and having people that I actually know read it, so I’ve been sharing my blog more to real life people to help break down my walls of paranoia.  It’s working <3

So that’s that <3

 

Deer Day

I took a mental health day last week, and it proved to be extra beneficial to my scraped up soul.

I had been really upset with events that happened and knowing that we have to take our nephew and worrying about the impact of that on my own kids and family– along with questioning whether or not he will thrive in our home and the pressure that comes with that question, etc.  Plus I was getting behind in my classes, so I wanted to catch up on some work.

After getting everyone out the door for school and work, I made some coffee and then set up my computer and school work at the kitchen table.  Before getting to work, I noticed my kitty staring at something.  I got up and was greeted with this face..

deer face good

I always wondered if they came up to our small pond.  Now I had my answer!  I watched it for a bit, in aw at its beauty and grace.  What a blessing <3

 

The entire day was just as wonderful.  I was productive and decided to take a break around noon.  I sat on the deck and was enjoying the warm sunny day.  Once again, I noticed my kitty looking at something off to the side.  I looked and noticed a deer just laying in the side lot.   It was surprising and awesome at the same time.  I couldn’t just go in, so I laid on the deck for a bit, next to my kitty, just looking at its face while it stared at mine.  Not too long after, the deck got too hard for my old body and I had to go in to sort laundry.  THIS was the view outside my window as I sorted.  What a blessing <3

laying outside

The buck didn’t stop there (see what I did there)…

Shortly after hubby got home in the evening, we noticed a deer laying in the front yard and watched it for a bit.  Soon after I had to go out back for something and a large deer comes running from the tree line in the back and off to the side yard.  Then I noticed a whole group of them in the side yard.  By this time it was getting dark and they were hard to see,  but I was ecstatic.  We sometimes go several months without seeing a single deer.  Having so many around all day long was such a blessing <3

I woke up that day feeling desperate and sad.  Having deer all around all day long raised my vibes like nothing else.  I have to believe that this was a gift.  From the Universe, from God, from my spirit guides and my angels.  It was enormously comforting to think about and I will always be grateful for these beautiful and abundant signs <3

The Magical Mandala

 

Weird things can happen when you create something that has intentions.  There are expected intentions, and then there are unexpected intentions and it’s the unexpected ones that make your head spin.

Last summer I wrote often about reading the Lotus and the Lily book.  I had many profound experiences as I worked through this 30 day program.  Books such as The Universe Has Your Back, and The Secret introduced me to the Law of Attraction theories and practices, but it was the Lotus and the Lily that REALLY accelerated and amplified my spirituality and made me believe that the world is a playground and it is up to me to make my desires and passions come alive.

I finished the book and created my mandala (which is similar to a vision board) shortly before school started.  After going back to work, my mandala sat on my shelf and I didn’t pay much attention to it.

My sister had been reading the book with me, but was a bit behind me.  She just finished her mandala yesterday.  I was so excited, because I wouldn’t show her mine until hers was done, so I could finally share mine and I was excited to see hers too. I  quickly sent her a photo.

IMG_1189

Then I made some connections…

A month prior, I was picking up meds at the vet (the same one I used to work at for years and years).  Terri, my friend and awesome cat sitter, was checking me out and went into the back to get my meds.  The phone started ringing and I just had the biggest need out of nowhere to answer it, like I’ve answered it hundreds of times before.  But I didn’t know anyone else who was working, and they would think I was a crazy client if I just grabbed the phone, but it rang forever and I couldn’t stop it.

I didn’t think too much of this, until I was back last week.  Jules had a recheck for his toe (which looks GREAT) and I was checking out with him.  My old boss, who is like a mother figure to me, was taking a puppy who had surgery out to go potty. When she came back in, she saw me and jokingly asked if I could just help hold this puppy for her like old times.  I thought she was serious and nearly dropped my pooch and all of my belongings there in the lobby to go restrain a puppy.

That got me thinking.  Going back was always a thought in my head.  I always told them I’d come work in the summertime, when the kids are older– but it was always a faraway thought.  I suddenly had the desire to go back, like now.  Well, not right now, because quite frankly with work and the two classes I’m taking, I don’t have much spare time.  But come January, I will probably only have 1 class and could easily just volunteer one night a week.  I even brought it up to hubby- who was equally surprised as me.

Wouldn’t you know that I put a picture of me in full out VetSelect uniform holding a puppy onto my mandala? 

Silly mandala!  I put that picture on it because I want my long hair back and this was the only pic I could find with my long hair.  I just unintentionally found a passion of mine <3

IMG_1190 (1)

Other aspects of my mandala are coming true too.

I chose Healthy for my ‘word’ because I wanted that to be my direction and focus for the next several months. I intend on doing this program again within the year and making another mandala, so I didn’t have a lot of pressure when making it (nothing being final).

I had another realization after texting a picture of me in my new glasses to my sisters.  I was joking because they are big and nerdy and I love them.  My older sister said that I look like an awkward teenager (big nerdy glasses and braces) and I told her that I call myself a chubby adolescent, especially when I was on pred.

face.JPG
There is a drastic difference in my health over the past few months

That got me looking at pictures and realizing that right now I am the healthiest I’ve ever been, both inside and outside.  Hmmmmm…

Lastly, I have some beach/rainforest pics on my project.  About a week ago, totally out of the blue, my dad invites me and my family on a caribbean cruise for August 2020.  Honestly, I’m not sure if we’ll go, the dates aren’t the best for us, and it is going to add up, especially with just going from a family of 4 to a family of 5.  But we did have a few days there where we were seriously considering jumping on board.  We might still go, we are unsure.  The thing is, about 17 years ago my hubby’s grandma left for a cruise totally healthy and ended up dying on it from the flu and/or pneumonia.  We are apprehensive about crowded cruise ships and being “stuck.”   So even though we might not go, or maybe I will just go on my own- but again I didn’t even connect this situation to my mandala but can’t help but think about it now.

I think I will keep my mandala off the shelf where I can’t see it and move it to a central widely seen location.  If this amount of magic is happening from it when I’m not even thinking about it, I can’t imagine the things that could happen if I actually look at it and visualize/pray/etc.

You can read about my spiritual kookiness and roll your eyes and think that I am crazy.  Or you can jump on board and partake in the magic. I am going to link the books I talked about below.  Start with any of them.  I love them all.  I don’t think you need to read them in the order that I did.  They are all different, but all are great.

https://www.amazon.com/Lotus-Lily-Nourish-Beautiful-Abundant/dp/1573245860/ref=sr_1_1?crid=HLZYAEY1BXJG&keywords=the+lotus+and+the+lily&qid=1571573069&s=books&sprefix=the+lotus+and+%2Cstripbooks%2C164&sr=1-1

 

 

200 Days Without Alcohol

For the most part, I am feeling really good!

I feel that I’ve made tremendous emotional and spiritual growth since first getting sober in 2017.  I want to reflect today.  I’ve been thinking a lot about the many intrinsic thoughts that have changed for me– all in very good ways.  I used to have so many beliefs that just aren’t true for me anymore.  I don’t even know how I learned all of this, I think these all are byproducts of cleaning out the inside of my house, AKA my soul.

I used to think and believe many things that were mostly negative towards myself or others.  Those beliefs were unhealthy and unproductive, and although I didn’t see it at the time but I can see now how those thoughts made me sad, lonely and miserable.

 

I used to believe….. Now I believe….
That my hubby would love me more if I lost 20 pounds, or if I had long hair or was prettier.. My hubby would love me just as much even if I lost my legs, or burned half my body.  Our love is much deeper than our outside shell.
It is my fault if someone is mad at me.  If I have done nothing wrong (which was usually the case when analyzing people’s anger towards me), then their emotions are 100% about them.  Knowing this, I simply no longer worry if people are mad at me. It no longer takes up mental space, which is great because they are negative thoughts, and I don’t have extra room for meaningless negative thoughts.  
If someone does not like me, I need to reflect on me and why I’m not likable.   No, no and no!  If someone does not like me, than they do not like me.  Period. That’s about them, not me and they are entitled to their own opinion.  But it’s all them, I won’t allow it to take a second of my energy.  
My elders who are regularly duped and/or taken advantage of (by their loved ones) will wake up someday and realize the truth.  Some people will always be blinded by love.  Many of them will go to their graves without seeing my truth. That is ok.  My truth is mine, their truth is theirs.  
When something awful (and out of my control) happens, I must think about it constantly and run through different scenarios in my head. I can’t help it if negative thoughts are taking over my brain.  It was a traumatic situation and I can’t just NOT think about it. I don’t allow thought worms to take over my brain.  I will thank them and then send them on their way. Awful situations bring enough negativity, I will not let negative thoughts take over my brain.  My brain and my thoughts are mine and I now have the ability to quiet them down.  
Life is overwhelming and I can’t do hard things.   Life is hard, but so am I. I can do things that seemed impossible yesterday.  EVERYTHING in life, big or small, is accomplished with small steps. I can always put one foot in front of the other.  

 

I think one things that helped me the most with changing my negative internal beliefs is The Four Agreements book*.  Changing these negative, limiting and harmful beliefs have made me a happier and more productive person.

I have a lot more to learn, and a whole lifetime to learn it <3

 

*listed below are my Cliff notes version of the book.  I am an emerging technology student, and was unable to provide a real link, so you need to copy and paste in your browser

https://thedevildrinksvodka.com/2019/06/24/the-four-agreements-rule-1-be-impeccable-with-your-word/

https://thedevildrinksvodka.com/2019/07/22/the-four-agreements-the-second-agreement-dont-take-anything-personally/

https://thedevildrinksvodka.com/2019/08/03/the-four-agreements-agreement-3-dont-make-assumptions/

https://thedevildrinksvodka.com/2019/08/16/the-four-agreements-agreement-4-always-do-your-best/

 

All of the Crap in Life

Hey Guys!  I’ve been putting off writing this week.  This has been one of the most difficult weeks I’ve had since my mom died.  It actually has brought up many of the behaviors I had while going through grief, which is mainly extreme symptoms of ADHD, along with the constant feeling of being on edge and intense irritability.  I’ve spent my morning commute either avoiding my feelings– or crying silently on my drive in.

Last weekend was one that we had been looking forward to.  Our boys love the 80’s band Toto and we bought them tickets to a show they were playing a couple hours away.  Our teenage nephew loves Toto too, and had a birthday in September, so we took him along for his birthday.  To make it even more exciting we booked a room at a hotel with an indoor water park.

On Friday night we got a call that our nephew got kicked out by his mom and was riding towards our house on his bike.  This has been the 3rd time in the past month that she has kicked him out.  She drinks every night, then gets irate with him, and tells him to leave and to not come back.  She’ll pick him up a day or two later when sober and won’t even talk about it.  He said he’s tried to bring it up before but she won’t even listen and just drinks over it.

It was the evening of our youngest’s birthday, and we left him at home to go look for our nephew.  Luckily we found him quickly.  We told him that he can stay with us, or his uncle and that he doesn’t have to go back and live with his mom if he doesn’t want to.

So, basically, what happened was this:  THAT thing happened on Friday.  We didn’t deal with it, really, and left on Saturday to go have a fun weekend away.  It felt good to leave all of the baggage behind.  Except for when Sunday came, and then Sunday afternoon.  My nerves were so stressed not knowing what would happen with my nephew and wondering if my SIL will blow up and if it’ll be a huge fight.  As a side note, if you leave baggage behind, it is likely to grow over time.  I was not prepared for the feelings that took over on Sunday. Due to some uncontrollable circumstances, she still does not know that he has moved out.  She is finding out today, and I don’t’ know how she will react, and I worry about her coming and having an altercation with him.  So this week has been just gross and stressful and I’m in awful anticipation.  And worry, constant worry.

I’d like to think that she will see this as a good thing.  They (SIL and nephew) have not gotten along for awhile now.  BUT, she is totally irrational most of the time.  She has this belief that all of us are just trying to take her kids.  Of course that’s not the truth.  None of us want to take her kids, but we do want her kids to be taken care of.  I would take the youngest two right now if I wasn’t likely to get arrested for kidnapping.

So, we’re in the middle of this mess.  We usually look to his parents to find rationality, hope and guidance, but I can honestly say that after this week, we HAVE to be the leaders.  His parents are blinded.  This is a very desperate and lonely realization.  I can’t tell you how many times I watched my husband have SUCH an incredibly difficult conversation with his dad or our nephew, just cringing with sadness.  Such a hard/sad thing for everyone and sometimes I worry that we will reach our breaking point.

GOOD things are happening.  They are going to Al-non and they are calling it her “alcoholism” and not just making excuses like last summer.  They also are going to take my nephew to a teen Al-non group, which I think will be good for him.

BUT.. they still won’t give up on her.  We have given up on her.  So have her other siblings.  We can’t do this anymore and pretend that she is ok.  If she doesn’t change immediately we have to keep putting her kids first and foremost.

I know it’s the right thing, but if I think about taking in my nephew too hard, I start to become panicked.  My thought worms go into overdrive.  I begin to panic over the thought of a suddenly being a family of 5.  I calm myself down, it’s not much different since he spends so much time at our house, and we don’t have a choice.  I am constantly grateful that both of my kids have welcomed him with open arms, even when I tell them he’s likely to be staying permanently.  Then I worry about their health and how this could impact them.  I tell myself that the positive impacts will outweigh the negative ones.

And there’s good in all of this.  I am still alcohol free.  I am processing and dealing with an huge amount of intense feelings.  I know that there are things that I am not doing right now to properly care for myself, but that’s ok, I’ll get back to it.  I am doing some other things TO properly take care of myself- to help myself cope.  Like yesterday, I had a quiet day (for once) after work and just binge watched TV for awhile.

I am pleased that in all of this I am able to see the good and to be grateful.  While sitting in traffic on my way to work, I noticed a small and neat house right on the busy road.  It was cute and I don’t know why I felt grateful, but I was enjoying the sight of the little house, crammed between an auto shop and another home.

 

 

 

No Toe Cancer

Dr. Jones called yesterday to tell me that Jules cytology came back as inflammation only, no cancer.  I was overjoyed!

She is still concerned.  She wants him to take a course of pred and to keep him off it as much as we can.  That means no walks 🙁

We have been into a great routine this fall.  We get up most mornings and I run as fast as I can for as far as I can (which for me is like a half mile, then walk/run, walk/run, I’m not fast, but I am consistent).  I leave for work feeling satisfied that he is tired, and if I do a bike ride after work, I don’t feel guilty for not taking him.

This morning I got up early to write, and he just keeps looking at me waiting for a sign that it’s time to go on our early morning adventure.

I am not complaining, I’m just complaining.

I just didn’t love our conversation over the phone yesterday.  She thinks that even though it’s not bothering him right now (he is not licking or favoring his paw), it might become a problem in the future.   I definitely don’t want it to become more of an issue and cause him pain.  So.. I’m going to keep him off it (I WAS going to ignore that advice, but decided that probably wasn’t the best thing to do..).  I’m going to reach out to my running with dogs group on FB to see if they have any good ideas of other ways to stimulate him.  It’s hard because a lot of the brain toys have treats inside, but we are working on his weight and have to watch treats.  I suppose I could fill one with kibble and then feed him less at meal time..

I just wanted to write about our happy news.

This week has totally been a mixed bag.

On Monday I had a good workout in the am and then took a bike ride after work.  We lost power, but it was supposed to be back at 5:00. At 5:00, they bumped up the estimate to 8:00.  8:00 came and went, and we still were without power.  We are on a well, so no power means no water.  When I went to bed Monday night my house was a complete disaster.  Dishes all over the kitchen, tuna juice all in the sink (stinking), just stuff everywhere, and a laundry pile up since I couldn’t do my daily load or two.

Power came back late Monday night.  Tuesday was a great morning.   I walked into my classroom and noticed a few minutes later that my Smartboard and speakers were up!  I can’t even explain to you how excited I was!  Especially since I had almost given up hope that I would actually get one.  Another great thing is that my 1st group of the day was on a field trip, so I had an extra hour to try to figure it out.  Even in that short amount of time I was able to find several activities and lessons on it to use yesterday– and the kids loved it!   Then in the afternoon I got the “no cancer” call.

After work was kind of tough but fine.  I worked for hours catching up from the day before.  I was exhausted by night and went to bed before 9:30, but was satisfied that our home no longer looked like a war zone.

NOW it’s Wednesday.  I got up early probably because my body is ready to GO, but I’m writing instead.  I normally could jump on the treadmill or elliptical but they are in the basement, which is undergoing leak treatment.  That means one side is empty and the other side is jam packed with stuff.  There is a mildew/bleach smell in the air (not ideal for working out).   It’s getting fixed on Friday but then we are leaving for the weekend.  Hopefully next week I can get the machines set up downstairs and the air will be ok to breath.

Anyways, this might be this blog’s most boring post!  Today is day 189 🙂

Have a great day everyone <3

Don’t Go Breakin’ his Heart

As a mom of older kids (16 and 11), we don’t hit milestones often anymore.  That makes them that more exciting when they do happen. A big one happened last week, one that I have been eagerly but patiently waiting for.  One that I knew would probably open up a can of worms that is better left closed– or at least the longer the better.  A girl.

Boys are funny and seem to work in one of 2 ways.  You have the early bloomers who tend to find a girlfriend in 1st or 2nd grade.  I have a couple nephews like this, and there’s nothing wrong with it.  It’s like the Macklemore song “Same Love” when the lyrics say, “Ben you’ve loved girls since before Pre-K!”  Then you have late bloomers who wait until 16, 17 or sometimes even later to even want to date.  The nice thing about having younger boys who love girls is that as a parent you get used to it when it’s not so intimidating.

One thing that surprised me was how anxious I felt to meet her, and it was a real eye opener.  She came over on Tuesday for dinner, so I had all day to think about it.  My son was making dinner, so at least I didn’t have to worry about impressing her with my mad cooking skills.

My son cleaned the house pretty well, but I was thinking about extra things I should do, plus give the dog a bath.  Then I thought about the time I met my MIL in what is now our house. I was pretty nervous to meet her.  I don’t have a great memory, but can pretty much guarantee that I was NOT concerned with how clean their house was.  Then I wondered if MY MIL was nervous to meet me.  THAT thought had never ever crossed my mind.

She walked home with him from school and they were watching a movie when I got home.  I did a few things waiting for them to come upstairs, but they didn’t so I went down there.  Holy awkwardness!  I have a newfound appreciation for my in laws.  In fact, my MIL said something to me and my future hubby the 1st or 2nd time I met her and I was resentful for it up until my 1st step 4.  I realize now that it was said probably out of nervousness/awkwardness and not to hurt my feelings.  Quite honestly, that was like my 1st impression of his mother and I think that incident caused me to build up some heavy walls that still contain bare bones.  Yeah, much of the wall has come down over the years, but I still have the frame, just in case.  I AM working on taking that down too, one step at a time.

The girl friend was very nice and impressed us.   Our son seemed himself around her and they had an ease about them.  After she left he was ALL smiles, which I thought was incredibly endearing.

That night and the days that followed, my Thought Worms were out of control.  I mean, I did a pretty good job reining them in, BUT why were they there to begin with???  GUYS, I can’t tell you how anxious I was about this girl, but in unexpected ways.  I knew my kid is super into her, but I was instantly afraid that she was going to run from him as fast as she can because his parents are soooooooo weird, and strange and cooky and every other negative attribute out there.  

WOAH.

I’ve thought about the day I meet the first girl many times.  Never did I expect to feel responsible for making or breaking the relationship.  BUT, now it’s several days later and I no longer feel worried about this, thank goodness.  The Thought Worms have pretty much gone regarding this entire situation, but it was really strange so I wanted to make sure I write it down.

Homecoming was last night and the new couple went and had a great time.  Hubby and I had the night to ourselves, as our youngest was a friend’s for the night.  Now get this, hubby and I have never been helicopter parents.  Especially with our oldest, we had him young and early in our marriage, so he practically raised himself.  With this newfound thing we have become helicopter parents.

Our son went out to dinner with his gal pal and then to her house for pics before the dance.  Our nephew was staying at our house until the dance so we took him out to dinner and then dropped him at the dance.  But we didn’t leave. We waited, watching for a glimpse of our kiddo.  We watched them walk in and at that point I would have paid money to be a fly on the wall or a chaperone.   I know hubby felt the same, we didn’t want to leave.   And before you start thinking that we are completely psycho, we DID have a good reason to stick around until he got there.  He’s diabetic and had his diabetic bag for dinner (he needs insulin with meals).  I was texting him to make sure he didn’t want us to grab his bag so he didn’t have to worry about it (yeah yeah, excuses excuses).

The dance was a ton of fun for the kids, and we enjoyed hearing their stories (OH to be in high school again).   Our son and his friend seem pretty attached, but we’ll see what happens.  In the beginning of the week I felt almost panicked about one of them getting their feelings hurt, especially mine.  But now, I just feel happy for them and grateful that even if they don’t last long it’ll be a learning experience and necessary.  Of course I don’t want my kid’s heart hurt, but at the same time, I don’t want him to hurt hers either.


Overall, the past week was fantastic and I felt high vibey pretty much the whole week.  I got up 4 days and walk/ran before work.  I went on a couple bike rides.  I ate healthy and actually had a lot of energy.  And BEST of all, I am almost down to the weight I was when I first tried sobriety back in February 2017.  In 2 1/2 years, I put on over 20 pounds, probably mostly from eating a lot of sugar during early sobriety, plus my foot/ankle being bad and being on pred from fall 2018-summer 2019 didn’t help my weight.  Really, I am feeling SO good right now, and SO grateful <3

Yesterday was the low point.  I had an early appointment to see Dr. Jones with Jules.  He just needed routine vaccines and I was so happy to go in for routine stuff (he had SO many tests over the summer, each one was stressful to him and caused me anxiety until getting the results).  His weight is down a little, we are active and he appears healthy.  While examining him, she discovered one of his paw pads is thickened and feels like a mass.  It could be cancer.  If it is, they will take off his toe and he will more than likely be ok.  BUT STILL.  COME ON.  Can’t we have ONE healthy visit???  But I guess, all his summer tests all checked out clear so technically his previous visit WAS a healthy one.  The weird thing is, these are my dog’s ailments: allergies and/or food sensitivities, obesity, fatty liver, toe problems.  We have matching symptoms!  I have food sensitivities, am overweight, I’m SURE my liver was not in great shape when I was drinking AND my toes are bad with my arthritis.   How cute.

Despite this unexpected news, I am ok.  She scraped his pad and sent it to the lab.  WE will get results on Tuesday or Wednesday.  We will deal with whatever it is.  We will do whatever we can for him medically. He has lived 5 full and wonderful years with us.  I hope he has many many many more, but know that that is not in our control <3

I look back to old posts about Jules.  His hurt back, and his problems over the summer and I am able to see and appreciate my emotional and spiritual growth.  I am grateful for that.

Ok, I better end this.  It’s Sunday morning and I have SO much to do today!!  Our basement spare room got flooded a little and has some water damage.  We are having the leak fixed and in the meantime have to gut the room.  It’s a good thing, because we’ve been wanting to redo the room and make it bigger.  Below is the mess that I am waking up to.  Sadly, I also have some homework due at midnight and need to do that before I even start helping downstairs.

The old me would be SOOOOOOOOO stressed about all of this.  The dog, the leak, the basement, the mess, it being Sunday, etc etc.  The new me feels slightly pressurized but not overly stressed.  We will GET IT DONE.

I don’t even feel crabby about it all, just grateful and that makes my heart feel happy & full ♥️

 

 

 

Billy Joel

I’ve never considered myself a huge fan of Billy Joel.  I can name a couple or few songs off the top of my head, but that’s about it.  Until now.

My sister and I took our teenagers to a Billy Idol and Bryan Adams concert back in August.  My niece is obsessed with Billy Idol, my son and I just tagged along for fun, but didn’t love either of the bands.

I had a super random seemingly innocent thought a few weeks after the concert:

“The concert would have been much better if it was Billy Joel, not Billy Idol.”

One day, one thought.

Here we are several weeks later and since that thought ran through my head, all my soul wants to listen to is Billy Joel.

Billy Joel in the car.

Billy Joel in the shower.

Billy Joel in my classroom.

Billy Joel in the garden.

Billy Joel on my run (I found out yesterday that there is something very magical about running to My Life in the dark morning before the sun and world wakes up)..

Billy Joel on my long bike rides.

Billy Joel in the pool.

Billy Joel while making dinner.

Billy Joel all the time.

 

 

But I don’t even really like Billy Joel…

 

I think maybe my soul needs Billy right now, gonna listen and see where it takes me <3