White Feathers, Signs, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde and Suicide

February 27, 2019– Day 2 and feeling optimistic.  A lot of things are going on right now that are making me feel really weird– but not in a bad way.

I can’t remember when the teeny white feathers started, but I am finding them on or near me all of the time.  I was excited at first, seeing it as a sign from my mom.  BUT.. after finding several of them, I thought they were coming from the inside of my winter coat.  I think it was after the 4th time or so I found one on my coat.  BUT.. then I kept finding them, even when my coat was nowhere around.  Tonight while cleaning up dinner, there was one on my stove.

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Come to think of it, why did I even think my coat was stuffed with feathers?  I knew that it can be a sign, but I haven’t looked it up recently, so, right now, as I’m writing this I decided to look it up.  The very first thing that popped up and was highlighted was exactly what I was looking for.  And the date it was posted happened to be on my mom’s death day.

white feather

The good news is that everything that I read about brought me tremendous warmth and comfort.  An angel is near and watching over me and my loved ones are safe in heaven.  Additionally, it may be a sign that I am on the right path or could be a clue to an answer I’ve been looking for.  Hmmmm.. I’ll take it!

Other strange things have been happening this week.  Learning of an attempted suicide of a parent at my school (and one of my previous parents so an associate of mine– and one that I had much admiration and respect for) left me feeling shocked and sad. Turns out he blogged about it and so of course I had to find and read it.

I don’t understand suicide but it has hit me personally.  The same year my mom died, my hubby’s 22 year old cousin killed himself– totally out of the blue.  A physically fit college athlete with good looks and from a typical family– it was a shock to everyone.  About a year later a parent at my school hung himself.  Great family whose wife was our PTA president.  Another tragic shock.  There have been others as well.  A longtime friend of my mom’s, this one happening many years ago when she had young kids and I was a teenager.  I just learned today that my dad’s cousin is currently in the hospital because of an attempted suicide.  Everyone is impacted at one time or another by suicide.

I don’t get it, at all.  I know that it’s because of a mental illness and that they truly truly believe that the world and their family will be better off without them.  I understand that.  But how can you leave your kids behind?  Maybe I’m sensitive having lost my mother.  I’ve felt pretty low at times these past few years, but I could never leave my kids motherless- especially knowing how awful it is to lose a parent.

So, I’m reading this blog and this guy (my previous parent who recently attempted suicide) got up one morning, showered, got ready for work, dropped his son off at school and instead of going to work, and on a complete impulse, he drove home and took all of his sleeping pills.  His wife found him a few hours later and he was in a coma for days.  I could immediately relate to that mental switch and impulsivity.  It’s like on those few occasions that I was going strong in my sobriety and happily trucking along giving others motivation and advice and then I’m driving somewhere and my brain flips a switch.  All of a sudden I’m hell bent on picking up wine and nobody can stop me, I am determined to drink.  Sometimes I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  Although, I will say that throughout my sobriety journey I feel like I’ve gotten better at controlling that impulsing and shooting down fleeting ideas as they popped up.  It is still such a scary connection for me.  Could my brain flip a switch and convince myself to end my life?  I suppose it’s good to be fearful of this and aware that I am not immune.

Other things have appeared to be connected all week— like super weird coincidences and topics that keep popping up.

I’m going to work really hard at trying to listen to the signs and my soul, I truly think I am being led somewhere.  Or maybe it’s just the Universe, or God or my Angel(s) leading me out of this rut I’ve been stuck in.

I’m not sure, but I’m really excited to see what this life has in store for me.  I have been feeling positive and energized all day, and it’s been a long one 😉

One last saying to leave you with.  “No mud, no lotus”  Maybe this journey is helping me perfect the art of suffering.

I feel full of hope and happiness ❤

Update: an hour later I found another, larger white feather on the living room floor 🤷🏼‍♀️ 


 

A Very Stinky Week

What was supposed to be a fabulous weekend is turning miserable.  It started on Wednesday.

Wednesday was my late mom’s birthday.  I woke up for work and as I got out of bed I looked out into the backyard.  I do this every morning, hoping to catch a glimpse of a deer or coyote.  I immediately saw an animal scurrying across the back of the yard.  It was too small to be a coyote or fox–so I guessed it was a possum or skunk.

Not even thinking twice, I went into the kitchen and let Jules out.  He was back in record time rubbing his face in the snow and then I immediately smelled it.  He got sprayed!

I quickly made a batch of homemade skunk off and wiped down his face.  I didn’t have time to do anything else, however, and just thought I’d deal with it when I got home.  A little later in the morning, I started getting messages from my family (who were all sleeping when this went down).

By this time, I was CRACKING up!  Like, seriously, it’s a little skunk smell– get over it.  I had an early morning meeting with colleagues and after we all sat down I asked them if they smelled skunk.  A few of them said yes.  I told them it was me and what happened.  The ones who had dogs that had been skunked offered me some advice and it was all ok.  My boys, on the other hand, were falling apart.   I thought it was my mom, making me laugh on her birthday and playing a joke.  But now, it’s escalated and I’m not so sure.

I did some major cleaning and bathing of the dog when I got home on Wednesday.  I thought by Wednesday night, it was barely noticeable.

Hubby complained ALL night Wednesday.

And he complained ALL night Thursday.

By Friday it was making him nuts.  He took 1/2 day off work and had Stanley Steamer come out and clean the carpet.  While home he washed all of the coats (they seemed to be the most stinky, not sure why) and the curtains.  He refused to let the dog sleep with us and I let him in the bed in the middle of the night so now hubby has been sleeping downstairs since 4am.  I’ll also add, that he was so incredibly crabby last night about the smell, he is absolutely ruining my weekend so far.  He’s usually not crabby, so I have a hard time dealing with it when he is.

Now it’s 7am and I feel pretty sad.  I hope today isn’t another crabby day.  If it is, then I might as well pack up and go to my BFFs for the weekend.  I promised her I would come up soon and last week was her birthday.  And, sadly enough, I’m smelling skunk more this morning than I did the past 2 days.  I think from the carpet being wet– I told him we should wait a bit before getting it cleaned.

Hoping for a fun Saturday with happy people ❤