Merry Christmas

Image result for christmas tree

I’m feeling a mixed bag of emotions this morning.  I’m really upset with myself because I drank last night.

We were celebrating at my dad’s and my sister was drinking wine (as usual).  We brought a bunch of La Croix and Bai drinks and while I considered but then talked myself out of drinking wine, I ended up pouring vodka into 2 of my bai drinks.  My dad had a collection of liquor bottles on his counter (no one but my sister was drinking last night, this was from a party or something that he had previously).  I was bored and slightly irritated and it was there.

Didn’t plan on drinking and I’m not happy about it one bit.  The vodka actually stole my Christmas eve.  We got home early (around 8) and I passed right out.  Didn’t help arrange the kids’ gifts, didn’t leave out milk and cookies and didn’t move the elf.  On a positive note, since I crashed so early, I got up at 2 am to move the elf and leave out milk and cookies.  Then I proceeded to lay in bed for the next several hours, trying to sleep and trying not to hate myself for drinking poison last night.  I hate the drink!

Here’s the cool part:  MY relapses in the past have lasted days or weeks.  I’ve never had a one night blip.  I do not believe that I will drink tonight- or tomorrow night.  It wasn’t very fun to drink last night, it made me feel like crap, it stole the night with my family and now I’m going to be overly tired today from a night of messed up sleep.  Hopefully I will never drink again– and if I do– hopefully I can recognize for what it is– shit!  That is progress.

My day counter…

Today my day counter says that I’ve been sober for 16 days.  I’ve been meticulous about setting back my counter whenever I drink.  BUT… I’m considering not setting it back to zero- but to set it back one day.  Not that I care about losing the 16 days, but I’ve been diligently tracking my patterns and I’m sure that a month from now I won’t forget the one night blip on Christmas eve.  Also, I know this is very mental, but resetting back to zero almost gives me permission to drink the next few nights, because what the heck, I’m at zero already anyways right?  I’m still torn on this but will probably end up resetting.  I won’t forget that I had 2 weeks sober before Christmas.

Christmas Day

Despite the blip, missing last night and sleeping horribly, I am feeling pretty optimistic today.  Physically, I don’t feel bad (hungover).  My pred is working and I’m going to take a morning walk in a bit and am going to try to run a little.  It’s 6:30 am and I’m anxiously waiting for the kids to get up.  They only got one present from us, but have a few things to open from their grandparents and also full stockings from Santa.  Hubby has a few gifts for me (I have NO idea what they are– just small things we shop for ourselves for our big gifts) and I have nothing for him.  We may have a present for us from his parents, I haven’t checked under the tree yet (they drop off the kids and our gifts the day before Christmas).

We will be heading to his parents house later.  I decided that it will not be a repeat of Thanksgiving.  I will not listen to my SIL or MIL while they rant for hours.  I will listen for a few and then remove myself from the situation.  Hopefully there won’t be a repeat, but I am setting my boundaries just in case.  It’s nice because they live behind us.  I am going to excuse myself early and come home and hang out with the dog and watch a chick flick.

Soooo.. that’s it.  Kind of excited to get today over with and get on with this wonderful vacation.  Merry Christmas ❤


The Price of Over Indulgence

Hi everyone!  I haven’t written in forever.  This won’t be a long post– I just wanted to check in quickly.

Things have been good here.  As you probably know from my past posts, my Rheumatoid Arthritis returned with a vengeance in July.  I had many pains and swelling.  I was taking Humira every 2 weeks which controlled the disease up until this point.  I was so painful I ended up going on Methylprednisolone about 5 times since July.  This is a 6 day course of the steroid and while it made my aches and pains go away, it made me gain weight and feel puffy.  By the time I returned from work I felt awful, bloated and huge.  The brain fog was awful.

I knew that I had to do something because being on steroids all the time was not an option.  I had the elimination diet in the back of my mind because that worked for me before.  I was only on it for a few weeks and then my mom suddenly died.  After that summer I was never able to get back on track with it.  It can be hard to stick with.  You pretty much have to make everything from scratch and use pure and organic ingredients.

I was determined this time.

I think I wanted to prove to myself that regardless of life’s circumstances, I could do this successfully, SO I began the diet on a Monday after the weekend of our triathlon– in which we would be out of town for.  I shopped at 2 different stores to get everything I needed on Saturday morning before heading up to Bay City.  We hung out with our friends (we were staying the night at their house because they live about 10 minutes from the race) until late Saturday night.  On Sunday we got up early and finished the triathlon in about 3 hours– which was my goal.  My foot was ok because I was on steroids (last dose was that Saturday).

On a side note, which I don’t want to dwell on, the triathlon was AWESOME!  I was most worried about the canoeing portion as my upper body isn’t as strong and if the wind was strong or we were going against a strong current, I knew it would be very hard.  But I was able to paddle the entire time and we were not last 🙂  The bike part was also awesome and scenic, riding on closed roads over the bridge of the large river and through the little town.  The 5K was also very beautiful and scenic.  Hubby didn’t bring two pairs of shoes and was getting blisters from his shoes being wet from canoeing, and my foot was slightly painful- so we walked briskly the whole time.  The trail went right next to the river and on some boardwalks over the river.  Such a great place to be!  It was a great day and I definitely want to do another one sometime!

By the time we got home on Sunday it was like 4 or 5.  I spent the next several hours meal prepping for the week- something I knew would be crucial to the success of this diet.  I did have a successful week and thinking back, if I can do this after that crazy weekend then there is no excuse for me not to keep it up.

Tomorrow it will have been two weeks since starting.  My foot feels like it did when I was on steroids (minimal pain and I can wear most of my shoes, vs before when I could only wear flip flops).   I’m not completely pain free and am still pretty fatigued, but I’m hopeful that as my body continues to heal I will begin to feel better.  I never thought that  I could go this long without sugar and bread.

The diet definitely has its challenges.  For example, yesterday was a very busy Saturday.  We had a late lunch, then we were out and about and didn’t get home until around 8:00 pm.  We were all starving, but resisted the urge to stop for fast food on the way home.  I put in a whole chicken in the Instapot with some carrots, steamed some green beans and we had a late dinner but at least it was healthy!  Success 🙂

So.. that’s my story.  No alcohol– but that’s on the back burner for now.  I do want to get back to the steps and my recovery– but taking it one day at a time ❤

The Devil Drinks Vodka, and Eats Cupcakes: Dear Body

Dear Body,

Let me start off by saying this; you are amazing.  You keep going and going, regenerating cells during peace and slumber.  You take nutrients from the vast amount of calories ingested and wisely filter out the toxic pieces.  You have an ongoing internal war– the good bacteria vs the bad bacteria, with stomach acid so powerful it can dissolve metal.  Those nerves on every square inch to give intense warning of forthcoming damage.  And your brain.. the powerhouse of the body, for the conscious and the subconscious has amazing abilities.

Body, despite all of your amazingness, you have been my go-to punching bag.  I have mistreated and abused you for as long as I can remember.  With food, with alcohol, with cigarettes and self induced lethargy.

For what?

I’m not sure, but you took it in strides.  Liver, thank you for working overtime for the past couple of decades.  Stomach, thank you for taking in the good and expelling the bad.  Heart, Pancreas, Kidneys.. you guys did it all– kept going with years of abuse.  I want to blame brain, but know the reasons are not brain’s fault.

I don’t want to continue to abuse this beautiful and miraculous temple that was given to me by God.  It has done SO much for me, and I continued to stomp on it and berate it.

Body, I am ready to treat you like the masterpiece you are ❤