Day #532 It’s a chilly Saturday morning & I’m sitting in the dark by the fire— up long before anyone else around here. I have a sage candle & sage incense burning, and Deva Premal chants playing. The world appears to be coming unglued & I am at peace. I am so incredibly grateful forContinue reading “Sweet Savory Ethanol”
I’m gaining mental and emotional momentum as well as physical. I’ve been meditating and writing a lot this week. That and being outside walking or running, feeds my soul with pure joy and happiness. I wrote on Monday that I want 100 days and I think that I am well on my way. I want more though, I really want a year and then years– until I die. BUT, realistically — it’s one day at a time & that’s what I’ll count on!
I will think, “NO, that’s not going to happen”, but that’s not the end. Betsy keeps putting thoughts of drinking into my head and each time, my sane mind starts to find the thought of drinking more and more appealing. With that, Betsy gets louder and louder until my sane mind says, “FFFF it! I want to drink so I’m going to gosh darn it– and nobody or nothing is going to stop me!”
Now my mind is going. Going going going. And Betsy has begun yapping about how much I deserve some wine. I don’t have any, but I DO need to run to the grocery store later…
Still feeling pretty pissy, despite efforts of a productive weekend restoring mind-body-spirit.
When I called my dad, I learned that my uncle, a police officer, had been hit by a car. He was helping at the scene of an accident and was hit by a college student. He was in the ICU with an extensive brain injury and that his condition was very critical.
While the party ended for everyone else, including my hubby, I consented to being a slave to alcohol. It ruled every aspect of my life. Every. Single. Night. If I was somewhere without being able to drink, I was in a mad rush to get home as soon as possible because I needed that drink. Alcohol stole every part of my being. Family parties and other social gatherings that included alcohol ended with me too tipsy to hold a conversation and forgetting half of the night– and waking up horrified at what I may have said or done.
We all played hooky and I felt physically dead all day (and probably the following day). I remember feeling like a giant parental failure, and had major paranoid feelings about what I may have said at the party with neighbors, some of whom I had never met- what a great first impression they must’ve had!
There is no point to this story– other than this is reality, sobriety is filled with highs and lows. The reality is that as I am anticipating tomorrow night sucking, my alcoholic voice is already starting to whisper ideas into my head. I try to ignore, but she is persistent and knows when I am most vulnerable.
This. Is. Living. Life. I must always remember how close that dark path is and how quickly my journey can veer down that long and lonely road. But right now, I will fully enjoy the gleeeeee <3