Day 8

Today is Monday and day 8 AF.

Yesterday ended up being a great day, which I was productive.  I cleaned all the bathrooms and got a severe case of hypoglycemia during.  My BG was like 45, so I stopped to make and drink a shake.  Afterwards, my hands were still shaking and I knew it would take 10-15 minutes until I started feeling better, so I took the opportunity to meditate in my bed.  I had a successful 10 minute session and then got back to work.

After cleaning the bathrooms, I organized some of the Christmas decorations and then took a 3 mile walk.  My foot/ankle was hurting during the walk so I didn’t run at all.  My ankle really hurt the whole night, which bummed me out since I WAS on the upswing.

I’ve been good about sticking to the low purine diet for gout.  It doesn’t say to limit sugar but I know from research that sugar can trigger it.  I had a bowl of fruit loops for a snack Saturday night and am wondering if that’s what triggered it (ankle and foot very swollen especially after walking– note I took it easy walked pretty slow/no running.  Much different than my speed walk/ran Friday afternoon).  I will keep an eye on the possible sugar/gout correlation.

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We had an early dinner and chores were done early so we had time as a family to relax.  We watched a movie and had snacks.  I brought bowls of carrots and blueberries to snack on and shockingly, it all got eaten!  I felt good about feeding my family fresh snacks instead of the processed junk we usually eat.  Really it was the perfect Sunday night.

I am at work with about an hour left of seeing kids.  My foot/ankle is MUCH better today– which I am SO relieved because I’ve been decreasing my pred and was a little nervous that this was the cause of the increased pain, so I’m SO excited that it’s doing better today.  I’m hoping to get a good walk/run in after work.  I also want to meditate and journal tonight.

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Feeling strong today, physically, mentally and emotionally.  I am thankful for feeling well ❤

Sunday Funday

Oooooooh I do have a love/hate relationship with Sundays!

I am feeling pretty relaxed although the looming thought of making lunches and preparing for tomorrow is creeping into the forefront of my mind.

Happy last week before holiday break!  I simply can’t believe that it is already time for holiday break.  Didn’t we JUST go back to school like yesterday??

Reflecting on the past few months makes me very happy.  September was HARD.  My foot problems were scary and I didn’t have any answers.  I was trying to do a strict autoimmune protocol diet and worried that I would have to take a medical leave to deal with my issues.  I am so thankful to have found medicine man who can help me feel my best, all without a strict elimination diet.

(Side Note: Many many people who have autoimmune disease symptoms have success with a strict elimination diet.  MY personal belief from what I’ve been learning is that if you have a virus in your body– such as my Parvo virus which causes Rheumatoid Arthritis symptoms– certain foods can trigger the symptoms.  THIS is why the autoimmune diet works– you are avoiding the food that triggers the symptoms.  Getting rid of the virus will yield the same results.)

So here we are, nearing the end of December.  I’m only 7 days sober today but feeling confident that I will continue to gain momentum.  Right around Christmas day will be difficult. This is around the time that I typically experience PAWS.  I am aware and will be prepared.  By the New Year, I will be almost a month in and will continue to learn and grow.  By summertime, sobriety will be normal and I will forget how awful alcohol has treated me.  I will have to dig deep to remember how I relapsed in July 2018 and how it took months and months to get back on track and also how awful my foot was swollen.

Lots of reflecting today, what a great way to start off my day with hope and positivity!

Lots to be grateful for today.  I am thankful that I’m feeling better today.  I am on cup 3 of coffee and going to tackle our bathrooms with a mop and rag after this cup.  After that I’m going to go on a walk/run.  Afterwards, we are going to the inlaws for a bit and then finishing decorating for XMAS (getting there!).   Later will be more relaxing as I prepare for this week.

Leisurely weekend mornings are such a treat!

Yesterday after I wrote I continued to feel crummy.  We picked up our teenage son and his friends from the mall and went to a sushi buffet.  I didn’t even enjoy it, I just felt fluish.  Then we went to Sam’s Club and got the essentials as fast as we could.  Funny thing is that my body must’ve been craving detox from the flu because I grabbed every type of berry I could find.  After Sam’s I took a nap and felt a lot better when I woke up.  I’m so happy it didn’t put me out all weekend- that is a blessing!

That’s all I’ve got.  This coffee is almost gone and I need to get moving.  Happy productive Sunday!!  ❤


Healing the Body, Mind and Soul

Yesterday ended up being a really nice day.  I was productive at work and also afterwards.  I had my visit with Dr. Tent (natural doctor) and then got in a 1 mile walk (foot was feeling better from Monday, but 1 mile was about all I could do).  Afterwards, I meditated and wrote in my journal.

My visit with the good Dr. was intriguing.  I was totally honest about my binge drinking.  I didn’t want him to FIX my alcoholism, I just wanted to keep doing the regimen I’m doing whilst not drinking to see if I can finally get rid of this gout.

He always wants to cure my alcohol problem.  First he gave me a food grade lithium that would quiet my mind.  I haven’t noticed a difference, but often wonder if I would if I could stay sober for more than a couple weeks at a time.  He thinks I have problems regulating my blood sugar and that its causing me to have anxiety, mood swings and cravings.  No worries, he has a cure for that, including supplements and twice daily protein shakes to drink between meals.  We will see.  It would be great if I had less cravings (both alcohol and sugar) and better moods, but I will discontinue if I don’t see a difference.  In the meantime, I’m confident that if it doesn’t help- I will still be able to stay sober doing the things I used to do (meetings, working on steps, podcasts, books, connecting with sober friends, exercising, meditating, journaling, self-care, etc).  But HEY, I crave food all day long, so a part of me is hoping this will help!  He is having me discontinue the first supplements he gave me for the parvo virus, which seems to be gone.  I haven’t had any rheumatoid arthritis symptoms lately.  I’m supposed to take Humira every 7-10 days, but haven’t taken it in over 2 weeks and don’t really intend on taking it again.

Today was another decent day, although my foot hurt pretty bad for most of the day (but just when I walked on it– felt ok when I was off it).  I had a math class all day, so luckily it was a lot of sitting!  My foot is feeling better tonight, but I’m not going to go for a walk, I don’t want to make it bad again.  But, I am SO ready to get back to my daily walks!

We are going to get down Christmas decorations and I would like to meditate and journal before going to bed.

I am actually super tired.  I couldn’t sleep last night until like 3 am, my mind was just running.  I think it was from the increased dose of pred.  I am hoping that I sleep better tonight.

Better get moving… bye day 3, hello day 4  ❤

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Day 2

Yesterday ended up being a really annoying day.  After I wrote, right before lunch my youngest’s school called to tell me that he came to the office equipped with a garbage can ready to get sick everywhere.  My oldest had stayed home sick with a stomachache so I wondered if we had a virus in our house.

We had a lot of teachers out already and were short subs, so I planned to run and pick him up as fast as I can drop him off at home where the eldest would keep an eye on him and race back to work.  This meant LOTS of walking and my foot was already killing me.  When it’s hurting this bad it hurts to drive also, and so having a surprise hour and ten minute drive in the middle of the day was annoying.  I’m a fast driver and everyone on the way there and back just seemed to go so slow.

BUT, I made it back, finished the day and then headed to the foot doctor.  I do not like the office nor the podiatrist that I am currently seeing.  I just needed orthotics but was a little miffed when he didn’t even ask me how my foot has been doing (he did scan both feet, so he could CLEARLY see that one was extremely swollen).  That’s ok– I probably would have said some smart A$$ remark about being diagnosed the with gout by a natural doctor (HELLO- you think a PODIATRIST would recognize gout)!

Then had to stop at CVS for Keytone test strips for my diabetic son.  MORE walking– and my foot was on fire by the time I got home.  No amount of icing it or putting it up was going to help.

Despite the annoying day, it was a rather nice night.  I had dinner made in the crockpot and had my boys help with evening chores.  They were in bed super early, as was I in my comfy pj’s teeth brushed and feeling fresh trying to nurse my foot.  Hubby got home from a Boy Scout meeting around 9 and we laid in bed watching tv and talking for a while.

I ended up taking extra prednisone last night.  I had been weaning myself off (it’s a horrible drug) but wasn’t going to be able to sleep with a throbbing foot.  Still didn’t get to sleep until like midnight, but woke up feeling ok because I wasn’t HUNGOVER.

I’m going to stay away from alcohol and the other things that I’m not supposed to be eating.  I’m going to keep this dose of pred up for the next couple of days and then wean myself off.  By then the alcohol should be out of my system and my foot should be feeling better.

I’m trying to remind myself that when I wasn’t drinking before (like 2 weeks ago) I was walking like 2 miles and even did running intervals once.  It’s hard to remember how good or how bad you felt and not to just think about how you are currently feeling.  SO I’m very hopeful.

SO.. action plan for today:  Meditate and write in one of my journals afterwards (I have a few…).  DON’T drink.  Betsy knew I meant business yesterday and didn’t even try to yap at me.  That’s the way I like it- but will  make extra effort to squash those thoughts the minute they try to enter my determined brain.  I’d love to say a walk, but the foot isn’t ready yet.  SOON!

Peace ❤


Functional Medicine and My Autoimmune Disease

I was diagnosed with both Psoriatic and Rheumatoid Arthritis in 2014.  My problems started in the fall of 2013– I would get random pains in my joints and my left foot was swollen and painful, even though I hadn’t injured it.  I was eventually referred to my current rheumatologist, Parveen Qazi.  Dr. Qazi is in high demand and it would take 3 months to get an appointment with her- which was March 2014.

It was January and my symptoms were getting worse.  I found another rheumatologist who could get me in right away.  He was very old and told me that he thinks I have a parvo virus, not rheumatoid arthritis, and that was causing my symptoms.  I had a sausage finger and he injected my hand with a painful steroid that never did help.  I kept my appointment with Dr. Qazi but never went back to the old doctor.

My visit with Dr. Qazi was way more intense.  She took one look at my sausage finger (yes, I STILL had it even months later) and told me I have Psoriatic Arthritis and that the sausage finger was a classic symptom.  She did bloodwork and took xrays of all my joints.  She started me on a medication called Methotrexate and gave me several brochures on different medications, all with possible serious side effects.  I’ve been following up with her every few months since then & have been happy with her treatment.

My visit back in May was stellar.  I had been alcohol free for about 3 months and feeling amazing.  Most days would begin with a 2-3 mile walk/run and end with a 8-15 mile bike ride.  She asked me about all of my previous ailments, most of which I forgot that I even had.  I felt SO good, but do have to say that I had been taking Humira for a few years (to quiet down my immune system), so my health really wasn’t perfect, but it was good with the Humira bandaid.

Fast forward to July and for some reason my health fell apart. I have no idea why.  I was still not drinking and wasn’t working so my stress level was low.  It started with random pains that would make me scream out when I turned over at night and my foot got bad again, but this time it was my right foot. It is now November and things have progressively gotten worse.  Additionally, I’m taking twice the amount of Humira and have added prednisone to my daily regimen.

I’ve been doing a lot of research and looking at alternative ways to treat autoimmune diseases.  I was convinced that I had leaky gut and that was causing my inflammation.  I tried an elimination diet but failed during week 3 because I was so painful, tired and gagging on all of my meals.  I wanted to continue looking at fixing my gut, but thought I needed guidance from a professional.

I found a reputable chiropractor who treats all sorts of things and is world renown.  Luckily he had a cancellation for today and I was able to swipe that appointment right up. This was excellent, I thought for sure I wouldn’t be able to get in until the new year.  I was excited but also nervous.  By now, I’ve had so many bad experiences with doctors, I really don’t trust them generally.  What if he tells me nonsense?  What if he just tries to sell me a bunch of supplements?  What if this is a waste of my time?

I’m happy to report that after my appointment I am feeling REALLY positive– for the first time in a long time (at least pertaining to my health).

I had been watching his lectures, so when he popped into my room while reviewing my record it was weird- like he was a celebrity.  He looked at my hands first and asked me many questions.  I told no lies.

I told him that I’m an alcoholic.  THIS.

You see, when I go to a doctor for help, I am honest and open.  This isn’t the first doctor that I’ve said this to, but this is the 1st doctor who did not wash it down the drain with barely an acknowledgement.  It is the most helpless feeling in the entire world to open yourself up like that to someone who you think may be able to help you but they don’t.

This is how our conversation went:

Me: “Oh, and I’m an alcoholic.  I have periods of sobriety- but really I have no idea how much or little alcohol contributes to my health problems.”

Dr: “Who are you, your mom or your dad?”

Me: “Ummmm, both?”

Dr: “Who’s brain do you have?  Your mom’s or your dad’s?”

Me: “My mom.”

Dr: “It won’t stop will it?  It won’t shut up.  You drink to shut off your brain.  I can see it in your eyes, just like Catherine Zeta Jones. Just like my dad and my uncle Larry.  The alcohol gene skipped me, but my dad and uncle have it.”

Hmmmmmmm… my mom had a very busy mind and so do I.  This guy was spot on. He thanked me at least twice throughout the visit for being honest with him and telling him about my addiction.  SO MUCH more than I ever got from the other doctors.

Overall, I was very happy with my visit.  I was painful when he pushed behind my knees so he said that’s where the infection is and it’s going straight to my feet.  He suspects that I have strep and staff throughout my body and also a Parvo virus that moves around and causes problems in different places (remember the old rheumatologist…..).

He says that he’s going to cure me and that I’m quite complicated and will be excited for him to fix me.  I think he’s going to turn me into a case study when it’s all said and done!

He even gave me something to turn off my brain.  He said that if I didn’t tell my husband, he would guarantee that hubby would notice it on his own in 7-14 days.  He said that my eyes will look more relaxed, not like they look now– which is like I’m about to be murdered.


This is my regimen:

I’m going back for a recheck in 2 weeks.  He thinks I’ll be cured in about 8 weeks.  I will be absolutely floored if this works!!  GOOD, positive thoughts ❤ ❤ ❤


Turbulent Cycle

November 3, 2018

Sometimes it truly takes everything coming to a head to gain the momentum for real change.  I am at that point.

I’ve felt an enormous amount of stress this week from a variety of factors.

#1 Offender: My job.  Work is usually low stress for me.  I usually don’t have a ton of work to bring home, except maybe during times that deadlines are looming.  This weekend is an exception.  I have to teach a training all day Monday to our new special education teachers, on a curriculum that we teach to struggling readers.  On Tuesday, I’m presenting to other teachers in the district (topic is teaching syllabication and using that to help struggling readers).  I’m teaching both with my old mentor, but it’s still stressful.  I want to do a good job and can’t stop thinking of ways that we can make it better.

On top of this, I have an ugly situation I’m dealing with at school.  It’s involving one of my students, who #1 I am worried about depression and #2 she is increasingly NOT able to get along with most of the other 5th graders and we’ve been dealing with conflicts this entire school year.  Her mom is hard to reach, and I finally heard from her via email yesterday and my request for a meeting was denied due to her crazy work hours.  I need to speak with her on the phone or in person, but with these trainings I won’t be at school until Tuesday afternoon.

Student growth goals were due last week and report cards are due next week and I haven’t started any of it.

All. Of. This. Work. Stuff.

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#2 Offender: My health.  This stress is easily pushed to the side of my brain.  In fact, I’ve been pushing it to the side for several weeks now and trying not to overthink.  I have a large boot on my foot that I have to keep on even when I’m sleeping.  It’s been almost two weeks and my foot was feeling a lot better, but I think I overdid it on Halloween and it’s been painful yesterday and today.  Waking-up-throbbing painful.  I’m worried because my recheck is on Monday.  The foot doctor (and his entire staff) is a giant douche bag who I don’t trust.  He said if it wasn’t better he would need to put a real cast on it. I’m not convinced the pain and swelling is from fractors, I think it’s just my RA flaring.  So, if he wants to do a cast I’ll probably argue with him.  I need to find another foot doctor.  I just don’t know how my appointment is going to go, what he is going to say and if I’m going to listen to him, argue with him, or just walk out.   I’m going to try to rest it this weekend and hoping that it starts to feel better.  I’ve spent a good part of this week feeling like I was 41 going on 81 and feeling the need to have a major meltdown over it, but pushing that all aside.

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#3 Offender: Toxins.  I’m still allowing them into my life.  I know that I need to clean up and detoxify myself.  It’s all so very overwhelming.  I DID find a doctor who is local but well known throughout the nation.  He will look at my ailments and treat me with a holistic approach.  The catch is that I don’t know how quickly I can get in to see him.  The person who takes new patients is only there a couple of days a week and I’ve been playing phone tag with her since last week.  I’m hoping I can get in before the new year.  I probably will start the AIP diet again soon, possibly with some variations (may start with Whole 30 or Paleo, which are slightly less restrictive).

Alcohol is still an issue, but I know I have to get it out of my life.  I haven’t drank since Halloween and am really enjoying this sober weekend.  I’m trying to focus constantly on the positives of being sober vs. the miseries of drinking– sobriety is clearly a better choice for me– it’s just a matter of sticking to it especially during the times that my life is feeling out of control.

That’s all I have.  I’ve wanted to write since the last post, but it is hard to figure out what to say when your life feels like it is going around in an endless circle.  I am hopeful that I can get myself together and will find the right people who can help me.  God is good and He will watch over me ❤

Two Very Different Meetings

Today is Tuesday and it has been a successful week so far.  I want to also celebrate the fact, that besides that funk I found myself in early on, this summer has pretty much been free of depression.  This tells me that I am nurturing my soul and living in a way that makes my heart happy.  Summer is typically a time that it is easy for me to fall prey to a slump.

I made it to two meetings yesterday!

The first was the noon AA meeting that I attended occasionally last summer and really liked.  I was on a mission to find a sponsor and when an older lady sat at my table and we started to make small talk, I asked her if she sponsored and if she would sponsor me.  She said yes!

I took a chance and I’m glad I did.  We will start working in about 10 days when she is done with her probation.  I also had a chance to make small talk with a woman about my age who just accomplished her first 30 days.  I had shared about my recent relapse and she asked for details after the meeting.  I was very open with her about my experience.  She also works for the schools and is nervous about going back to work and not having time for so many meetings (she is currently in an outpatient program).  I can totally relate but told her that in my experience, summer is the toughest time to stay sober because of all of the unstructured time, freedom and generally people doing a lot of partying.  It is so nice to connect with local people who are in recovery.

The 2nd meeting was a little bit of a shit show.  It was a Refuge Recovery meeting and the location yesterday was at a Cat cafe.  If you don’t know what this is, it is a cafe where rescue cats are free to roam around.  It helps to socialize them and also to help find potential adoptable families.  If you are not familiar with Refuge Recovery, it is Buddhist based and mediation is a big part of it.

Since two of my favorite things are cats and meditation, I thought this was absolutely PURRRRRFECT!  And even better was the fact that it was an open meeting, so I asked my hubby to go with me.  My hubby is a very reserved and quiet man.  I’m pretty sure that accompanying me to this meeting nearly killed him, but he is sweet so he did it anyway.

The meeting started off well.  Cats were everywhere and the 10 people attending the meeting included a diverse crowd of about ages 20-50.

We started with a guided meditation, which I have to say that I really enjoyed.  Near the end, I heard a woman crying (or laughing?) and some commotion.  I learned after the meditation was over that one of the cats urinated in the donation money basket and also on the facilitator’s shoes!  It was really pretty funny.

Next, we read a section from the Refuge Recovery book.  I enjoyed the reading and could relate to the topic.

Lastly,  each person had a chance to share.  This is where things got strange.  It was very different from AA– where you have a mix of people who have just begun the program and are struggling and people who are years sober and who still work and believe in the program and promote it–but for the most part is positive and optimistic.

This was entirely different.  Everyone who shared seemed to be in a really dark place.  Sharers included a couple of young men who often had to fight the urge to kill themselves, a doctor of philosophy who expressed her “rage” from all of the negativity she felt at the meeting and the bad cats while we were meditating and that she was so tired of the families she worked with who didn’t understand that their loved one isn’t the only one in pain and the fact that they made her “rage” (she was a scary one, I noted the quickest way out while she was sharing because it appeared that she may start to “rage” at any moment), and a young woman who recently relapsed and was high on drugs.  She was at the meeting because she was a few days free from alcohol and once she was 8 days free from alcohol she was going across the country to rehab.  She was hitting all the meetings she could to hit that 8 days, but it was so strange to be at a meeting with someone who openly admitted to being high.

An older gentleman approached me after the meeting.  I had shared that it was my first RR meeting and he reassured me that last night was an anomaly.  He told me that I should try going to the temple and that it would be a much different experience, and that meditation had done wonders for him and his chronic pain (which was strange because RA causes me chronic pain, but he didn’t know that).  He also defended the meeting and said that people felt like they could be 100% authentic and real.  I appreciated his insight.

I left feeling so drained afterwards and sad that my hubby’s first and probably only meeting was so negative.  We talked about the sadness we felt on the way home and that each person that shared at the meeting could easily be a friend or colleague.  I left feeling like if I ever wanted to go to another RR meeting, I would try a different one and would never go back to the cat cafe.

After a full night’s sleep, I had a different opinion.  Maybe hearing people share from the pit of addiction is beneficial for me in some ways.  I had regretted taking hubby with me, but maybe it was good for him to see this– to help him understand some of the demons that I’m facing.  I might actually go back to that cat cafe!  At the very least, I definitely want to check out a large group meditation at the temple.

Well, that’s my update!  I’m happy to write a positive post and excited about my progress ❤

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Summer Houseboat

I’ve decided that my summer is like living on a houseboat.

During the summer, routines and consistencies change often- daily or even momentarily.

Storms come in and waves crash overboard, leaving me unbalanced and shaky.

I can stay docked and that allows me to seek the safe shelter with a strong foundation when the storms come in.

But when I’m out on the water, in my houseboat, I don’t have the reliable foundation to stay safe and grounded.

Summer is a mix of having my houseboat docked and safe and being out in the middle of the sea both in calm weather and roaring winds.

What to do?

I need to keep building my infrastructure.  I need to put my foundation first and foremost.  An impromptu trip to the cottage doesn’t mean that I don’t have to attend meetings (yes, there are meetings close by, no excuses) or get in my daily workout and meditation routine.  An unexpected visit from a friend from out of town doesn’t mean the self care goes down the toilet.  Suddenly having to watch my niece and nephew doesn’t mean I can blow off the reading I promised to do or the list I was going to work on.

THESE are excuses.   Making excuses to STOP doing these things will weaken my will and cause my stable houseboat to blow into the inevitable storm with nothing to hold onto.

I like summer and I like my houseboat, but I despise defeat.

No matter what time of year it is, I must work hard to be victorious ❤ ❤ ❤



26 Reasons Why Sobriety Rocks

  1. Being able to remember last night
  2. Not having to worry about what you said or did
  3. Waking up with a clear head
  4. Waking up without a pounding headache, physical aches and general feelings of physical and mental angst
  5. Enjoying the taste of an AF drink
  6. Having enough energy to exercise
  7. The physical, mental and spiritual growth from working on recovery
  8. General feeling of happiness
  9. Feeling like you are truly living your best life
  10. Daily connections with other sober individuals
  11. Spending quality time with friends and family
  12. Being able to hop in the car 24/7 if needed
  13. Saving money by not buying poison
  14. NOT thinking about alcohol 24/7
  15. Feeling like a rebel when you drink caffeine past 9pm on a Friday night
  16. Being able to be more productive
  17. Lack of horrible hangovers that snatch the entire day
  18. Lack of guilt and shame feelings
  19. Increase in self confidence
  20. Brighter skin
  21. Lack of impulse buys
  22. Not feeling like alcohol has you in shackles
  23. Not worrying about if “they’ll” find out your secret
  24. Not having to go to multiple stores to buy alcohol so “they” don’t find you out
  25. Not worrying about when or if you will hit rock bottom, and what that will be
  26. Feeling like your spouse (or mom or dad or best friend or brother) is proud, not ashamed of you


Epiphany Part II

Back in early June I wrote about an epiphany I had while on a bike ride.  In short, a strong thought entered my head to buy the house my inlaws were about to put on the market.  It was shortly after my mom’s death and it was a pretty strong and clear message.  It scared me a little because I wasn’t sure what the purpose was and thought that maybe one of us (me, hubby or one of the kids) was going to die and we would need the support of family members nearby.

We’ve had a difficult situation brewing in my husband’s family.  In May, my mother and father in law were called up from Florida because CPS had taken their grandkids (My hubby’s sister’s kids).  His sister had left her husband and moved out of the house.  At some point, CPS was called and intervened and he was deemed an unfit parent.  My inlaws rushed back to Michigan from Florida to get the kids.  They helped the sister and her kids get into a shelter for abused and battered women.  The kids were not in good shape, they were neglected and dirty.

So up until now, they’ve been trying to help the sister get her life under control, get a job and get out of the shelter.

Last week CPS deemed her unfit and took the kids from her.  She has lost them for at least 12 months and if it drags to 18 she will lose them permanently.

My MIL and FIL have temporary custody and plan to keep them for the 12 months.  They are in their 60’s and are completely exhausted whenever they have taken these kids for short periods of time.  I have no idea how they will manage 12 months!  Before the sister lost them and this became reality, we have talked about taking them.  We shy away for numerous reasons (we don’t have enough bedrooms/space, they are very needy and can be difficult due to the trauma they’ve endured, the needs of our own kids, having to deal  and basically because we’re not sure that we are fit to do it, physically, emotionally, mentally…).

I was driving home from the cottage yesterday when my mind started wandering.  It became clear as day to me that we NEED to step up for these kids.  We have a basic 3 bedroom ranch, but can ADD space.  We have a strong marriage and decent parenting skills (not to brag, I know there are areas that we can improve on– but our boys are healthy, happy  and well adjusted kids).  My job as a special ed teacher will help me advocate for them in school– as I’m sure that they will have certain struggles related to their past.  NOT doing it because we are scared or worried about failing is not an option.

So.. that’s that.

Is it going to happen?  I have no idea.  In a perfect world things would move quickly, but my inlaws have spent the past week going through very rigorous demands by CPS in order to be granted custody.

I need to have an in depth conversation with hubby about it (I mentioned it quickly yesterday but our friends were visiting for the night, and we didn’t really get a chance to talk about it).  We need to talk to his parents, who might not agree with it and that is ok too.  We need to make plans to add a 2nd story.  There are a lot of factors, but I know that the Universe and God will guide me and all I need to do is to be aware and pay attention.  Whatever is supposed to happen WILL happen, and I can live peacefully knowing that.

The kids are 14, 5 and 4 by the way.

Another Relapse 

One week ago I started drinking again.  I hate writing that, saying that, thinking about that.

I think it had to do with control.  There was a lot going on that I had no control over.  I spent the past few weeks white knuckling it and had not kept up on my recovery tools and activities.  I was so tired of not having control over things– including my own thoughts that were telling me to drink.  Deciding to drink felt like it was the one thing that I could control.  I realize that this paragraph makes very little sense.  In recovery they say that you are either working on recovery or a relapse and I can see where my focus shifted.

The good news is that after drinking several days this past week, I am so incredibly excited to get back on track.  There is so much misery to active addiction– physically, mentally, spiritually.  I miss the AF me!  I cannot wait to get back to being physically active, strengthening my spiritual practices and living with that feeling of peace that comes from being substance free.  I’ve proven that I can do it and be happy and free ❤