Psychotic Basket Case

Gross week!!

I’ve been a psychotic basket case since Wednesday (mom’s death day). I had a decent day, well most of it although I did end up with the haircut from hell (it is really bad). BUT, my hubby did not acknowledge the day whatsoever and I am still so pissed at him– which makes for a great family vacation. I know to be mad isn’t my best self, but I can’t help it at this moment. I am still mad & stuck in this small cottage with him while the weather has been pretty bad. Ugh! I hate feeling like this 😬😬😬

Yesterday was day 100. My sister was up here with her boxed wine & started drinking in the afternoon. I was so miserable it’s a miracle I didn’t pick up to make myself more desperate. I didn’t want to ruin my streak & I also didn’t want to have to get out of the endless cycle again. I don’t even know if I’d make it out actually & that’s the truth.

SO…… I don’t even know what would make me happy right now… just time, I guess 🙈

I did go to the farmers market this morning. I’ve always liked the one up here, but everything seemed overpriced. I did get lots of produce though & already made fresh blueberry bread because all of the dessert cakes at the market had milk & egg in it. I’m looking forward to cooking up the veggies I got– that’ll help make me happy.

SO… I have my food & my sobriety. Even though I’m feeling psychotic & miserable & my hair looks like Einstein’s, it’s a good day ☀️

Sunday Runday Funday Wonderful Munday

Ahhhhhh… sweet sunny Sunday morning 🙂  We had a bit of a snowstorm yesterday– the first of the year.  We got about 5 inches or so, so everything outside is covered, and white and peaceful.  The sun is shining brightly and it is a very brisk 1 degree at the moment.

It’s been a pretty great week/weekend.  We are leaving for Florida on Wednesday and I spent the first part of the week totally stressed out.  My kids were sick and both stayed home on Monday and my oldest also stayed home on Tuesday.  This was extremely stressful since the oldest has finals this week and I was already stressing about him missing 3 days for our trip.  Plus, I had a lot of things to wrap up for work including 3 IEPs last week, assessments and report cards, and sub plans for 3 days.  I didn’t even want to think about Florida– anytime anyone talked about it, it put me in a sour mood and I vowed never to plan a trip again unless it coincided with one of the breaks.  By Friday I was feeling a ton better.  My IEPs were done and filed, testing was all done, most of my report cards were done and my sub plans were complete.  I only have one more day of work until we leave and if something unforeseen happens like a snow day– everything is all ready for the sub.

The only disappointment this weekend is that I missed an intro to Buddhism, Zen and Meditation class at the Dharma temple.  Going there is on my bucket list and I thought that this class would be a good opportunity.  It’s like 30 miles away though, and there was just way too much snow.  It would have taken me around 2 hours to get there.  So I skipped it.  They offer the class every couple of months though, so I do want to go to the next one.  In the meantime, I’d like to go to the Sunday service there.  I didn’t go today, because my youngest had a sleepover last night and next Sunday I will be in Florida.  Maybe the next Sunday.

The sleepover last night was fun.  The boys played the board game LIFE, and Minecraft and just acted like lunatics.  One of the boys had to leave around 8am for church and Sunday school.  It was a little bit of a bummer to have to set my alarm, but I was so grateful for my sobriety and being able to get up bright eyed and bushy tailed.  Hubs got up with me and we made waffles for the boys.

It made me think of a time years ago that I’m not so proud of.  My oldest had a friend over and my best friend came down from up north for the night.  We were drinking (she’s not a huge drinker–but this wasn’t long after my mom died and I was annihilated).  My son’s friend felt sick around midnight and wanted to go home.  I’m not sure if he called his mom or if I did, but I can’t imagine what I looked and sounded like when she picked him up.  I’m not sure that he’s ever been back.  I have always felt very guilty about this.  He was a friend from the town we used to live in, so my son doesn’t see him at school or have much opportunity to talk to him–which might be partially why he hasn’t been back. But I’m guessing my behavior has something to do with it as well.  I made a mental note to add his mother to my amends list.

Tomorrow is Martin Luther King day and we have the day off of school.   I’m planning on getting a good workout in, getting my nails done and doing a few other preparations for our trip (we leave Wednesday morning).  Tomorrow night my sisters and niece have tickets to dinner with a psychic.  She is a popular local psychic.  My only hope is that my mom shows up to dinner and this psychic can put our mind at ease.  My hubby thinks that psychic are utterly ridiculous and a total sham. I don’t know how we can have such different thoughts on this topic.  Other than this we pretty much share the same values and beliefs.  Maybe if it was his mama in heaven he would feel different.  I kind of think not though.

Today is going to be a nice day.  I’m going to put on about 6 layers and take my dog on a walk. It probably will be pretty short because I don’t think any of the sidewalks are cleared and it’s probably going to take a lot more energy to trudge through the snow.  That’s ok– I did a little more than 3 miles on Monday, Wednesday and Friday so I need less than a mile to complete my goal of 10 miles this week.  I’ve been smashing this goal!  I have 11 more days of January and already have almost 30 miles logged.  My monthly goal is 40, I got this!  Other than that you can find me hanging out with hubs and doing some good relaxing today 🙂  We had our fireplaces converted to gas in the fall and we are fully taking advantage of them this weekend!  I think I’m actually going to miss winter, come spring.  Cozy drinks and games by the fire have been so nice!

I’m feeling a little sad about dropping my dog off at the kennel before work on Tuesday morning.  He goes there for daycare once a week and is always excited to go, but they have cameras that you can use to check in on your pet. Towards the end of the day he usually seems like he’s ready to go and often waits by the exit gate.  He is not going to like spending 6 nights there 😦   I’ve felt so bonded with him lately, with our frequent run/walks, which we both enjoy so much.  I wish I had a friend who could stay at the house and watch him.  Oh well, at least he’ll have lots of dog friends to play with.

Well…  I think that’s it for my update.  I have been pretty happy and optimistic this month.  I think a big part of it is that self-care piece.  I’m working out, meditating (for awhile I was doing it daily– I’ve let that slip a bit- but still try to do it at least every day or 2), and making a conscious effort to meet my goals.  I’ve thought about buying wine a few times, and there just isn’t any benefit that I can see at that moment– so it really isn’t even an internal argument.  It’s just like, “um, no thank you, no need or want for that!”  So that has been a blessing.  Staying sober in Florida should be ok.  My sister said she’s not planning on drinking at all.  Even if she deviates from that plan, the last sober vacation at her house I stayed sober even though she occasionally drank wine so I think I’ll be ok.  I have too many miles to cover in Florida to be drunk or hungover 🙂

Happy Sunday Everybody ❤

I Killed Betsy 

The long weekend!

Ahhhhhh!  On one hand it seems like it took forever to get here, on the other hand it came so quickly.  It seems like yesterday it was September & I had just started really enjoying the pool (one unexpected joy of sobriety).  When we closed it, I silently vowed to count down every month till we’d be opening it again & promised myself I would use it.  

Like the morning in early September I took off work.  I had a 504 meeting at my oldest’s school.  It was quick & afterwards I went for a walk in the hot September sun.  Then I jumped in the pool for a refreshing swim.  By the time I got to work at lunchtime, I was in such a great mood.  Still energized from the morning of fun (OH if only every workday could be 1/2 a day 🤗).

Or the night hubby and I took a walk in the muggy heat.  We got home & took a dip in the dark.  Swimming in the dark always creeped me out— but this was great & the sky was beautifully lit with millions of stars. 

As we closed the pool in late September, I promised myself to fully take advantage of the water this year, like the entire summer, unlike years before when I would just float on my giant raft complaining of getting splashed & not going in because it’s “too cold.”

And so I will.

As I wake up this Saturday morning I’m filled with anticipation for all of the things this weekend has in store for me. House chores, gardening, fires & bbq, beach party, bike rides & family.  Lots of stuff to fit into 3 days!

One thing I’m not thinking much about is drinking.  On a holiday where beer is synonymous with the pool & bbq, I take this as a Godsend.  

Anytime the thought of drinking has crossed my mind I am immediately blessed with thoughts of how great it is to NOT be drinking.  For me, the absence of alcohol makes my life far richer than the presence of it.  It adds not one good thing to my life, but takes away many.

Oooooh if I could just bottle up these thoughts & save them for when I am tempted in the future, I would in a heartbeat!  While it appears Betsy (my inner alcoholic) is expired forever,  I know that really she is off on a holiday somewhere doing push-ups, waiting for the perfect time to make a great comeback.

So, as I sit in the May heat, leisurely having coffee on the deck watching the nature around me, I am grateful for so much.  But more than anything, I am grateful for today, Day 64. 

One day at a time.