I want 100 days.
I had it back in July and never felt better. Since then I’ve been stuck in this cycle.
When I first started learning about sobriety and recovery and connecting with people I heard a lot of things that made no sense to me at all. Some people said they had many many many day 1’s and I had no idea how this could happen or what it meant. Ooooh, I can relate to that statement now. Same with one day at a time. It doesn’t matter if I’m on day 1 or day 100– I’m still just as close to picking up a drink than the next guy. Also, I didn’t understand the thought that while you are working on your recovery your addiction is off doing push-ups– I lived this one. I had 123 days and life happened. I was vulnerable and my addiction took full advantage. It lied to me & made me believe that drinking wouldn’t be so bad and I could quit at any time. Now we are almost 5 months later and I’m still stuck in the crappy cycle.
To make my situation even more disgusting, my foot has been KILLING me. I’ve been sticking to the low purine diet for the most part– BUT still drinking alcohol which is a KNOWN trigger. DUH…….. So not only do I have mental and emotional problems from drinking, but now I have physical pain too. Yet my addiction still has me pinned under her.
100 days is a great goal for me. It will help me stay focused. I will be on day 16 at Christmas and day 22 on New Years Eve. Last year on new years I sipped sparkling grape juice out of a wine glass at midnight with the hubby and kids. It was great. I can totally do that again.
Side note: I’m at work right now writing this. One of the paraprofessionals just popped into my room to see if I had any gum or mints. I found out something heartbreaking about her on Friday. Apparently, her husband is a heroin addict. Sounds like he had it under control (was going to the methadone clinic). But he’s back at it. She is in her 50’s has two grown kids, one of which has special needs and still lives with her. At some point, not sure when, her husband gave her Hepatitis C that he got from using dirty needles. She’s thinking about leaving him– it is just such a sad situation. As we’re happily chatting, she has no idea that I’m writing about my own addiction. It seems as though lately I’ve been hearing more and more about the struggles of close family members of friends and acquaintances.
Maybe it’s time to come out. This is something that I’ve thought about, but #1 I don’t want to be that accountable — no wait– my addiction does not want to be accountable and #2 I’ve felt like I owe it to others to have a good chunk of time under my belt before coming out. I can’t be sober for 2 weeks and preach about it (although I do it all the time in Facebook groups). Jan, who almost was my sponsor last summer (from my local AA meeting) and I talked on the phone once. She said that coming out to my friends and family members is imperative to my success– maybe she was right, go figure. Maybe I really need to look at those with long periods of sobriety and do more of what they are doing and listen to the advice they give me.
Paul Churchill from the Recovery Elevator podcast always talks about when he was completely tired of day 1’s and serious about sobriety he sent out a mass text. People in MY family really DON’T understand that I have this problem. They only know that sometimes I drink and other times I don’t. Wow, they must think that I really have things under control– how ironic!
Anyways, I’m glad I took the time to write today. I think that 100 days and coming out–at least to those close to me– not necessarily coworkers– yet- but that will come soon because there are too many people who are dealing with addiction who I could possibly help– even if its to listen with an empathetic ear– is a good start. Probably going back to AA would be good too, although it’s hard to find the time (I know that’s a lame excuse– but I don’t have a lot of time during the week and would rather spend an hour on a hike with my dog than at a meeting. I DO think they’re beneficial though and will try to find one during the week that I can commit to. And the steps– I’m on step four and need to seriously commit to working on it.
I will be writing more here. Most of the posts will probably be short but I do want to document each day.
Action plan for today: Throw out leftover wine. Make a schedule of workouts, meetings, meditation and step work. ALL are crucial to my success and I can find time if I’m not wasting it drinking. DON’T DRINK. Betsy will start yapping on the way home. She’ll yap the whole time I’m at the foot doctor. She’ll TRY to get me to stop at the store and throw in the towel. IGNORE Betsy today. Day 1, I am already 1% to 100!
I have a rich life and much to live for. It’s time I start making everyday choices that will make my heart and soul happy.
Peace, Love and Rock and Roll ❤