The Death of Should

Many of my teacher friends are embracing this idea of online education. They have cute home offices, perfect camera set ups for lessons, etc.

I’m not feeling it at all, we SHOULD be at school!

I’m feeling annoyed and sad, which I tend to do when things don’t turn out the way they SHOULD.

I always seem to get in a tizzy when things aren’t the way they SHOULD be.


I also get super down when I don’t do the things I know I SHOULD be doing.

Today I’m burying SHOULD into the ground 💒⚰️🪓

Thank you, you horrendous word, for always keeping me cautious and on my toes. You are no longer of service to me. Be gone. 🙅🏼‍♀️

The Opportunistic Alcoholic Voice

Thursday April 2 was a great day for the most part.  This was the day (from my previous post) that I had a spiritual walk and a blissful day.

I was cleaning up the kitchen with my nephew and instructed him to clean the stove.  I was seasoning an iron pan and had just turned one of the gas burners off so I told him to be very careful, that burner was still very hot.  In the next instance, I noticed him cleaning around the grates on one of the other burners.  I zoomed over there to show him how to lift up the grates to clean underneath, when without even thinking I grabbed the hot grate.

OUCH!!

It wasn’t too bad, fortunately, but it did hurt and blister.  Truthfully, it was ok the whole evening as long as I kept something cool or cold on it.  The minute I removed cooless, my skin would burn like the pit of hell.

I went to Walgreens for burn cream and wrap.  Sadly, it didn’t help the pain and I had to wash it off and put ice on it because it was still burning to high heaven.

I was so worried about being able to sleep, would I have to sleep with my hand in a bucket of ice?

In the past, it wouldn’t be a problem, I would drink a bottle of vodka and pass out fast.  But that wasn’t an option.  And I’ve quit my vape/weed pen, so that wasn’t an option either.  I was on like day 4 and didn’t want to start over– plus I really didn’t think it would be strong enough to help-it is so mild.

I thought of my sister-in-law, knowing she had a broken ankle and some other things in the past and I thought had a collection of drugs that just sits in her cabinet, so I sent her a message.

She is a godsend!

I drove over there and she gave me a bag of goodies.  Two Rx painkillers that happened to be about 6 years expired.  She was so kind, she also gave me manuka honey, bandages and gauze.

I thought that it was ironic that I couldn’t drink or do pot, but could do the other  harsh drugs without any consequence.

I knew not to mix them, and looked them up to see which one I should take.  I took 1 pill, then 2 the maximum dose.  I felt a little light and giggly, but it didn’t knock me out like I expected.  In fact, a couple hours later I got up and took Benadryl to help me sleep.  The pain was a little better but I was wide awake.  Eventually, I did sleep ok, and my hand looked and felt a bit better the next day.

But I didn’t bring the drugs back.  I was curious.  The next day, I tried the other one just to see what it felt like.  I wasn’t impressed, but maybe because they were 6 years expired.

My mind was doing a lot of thinking about those pill bottles in the Bath and Body Works bag she sent them in.

I thought about taking some and keeping them, just in case I wanted or needed them later.  I wondered if her and my brother-in-law counted the pills before sending them over.  I even thought about exaggerating the burn so that I would be justified in taking more than I actually needed.  As the next day went on, I was almost obsessively thinking about them, it didn’t even matter that they really weren’t effective at all, it was the idea I guess.

Why?

My addiction is looking for any opportunity to get out of my head and my body.  Picking up drugs for a burn triggered it.  I should also add that both medication is known to be addictive, so hoarding multiple doses is a recipe for disaster.

The following day, hubby and I took a bike ride and I took the drugs back.  I was happy to get rid of them, my mind could now be free, and it was.

It’s now been a few days, and I’m not addicted to those drugs.  I haven’t even given it a thought, but do realize that I need to be very careful.

That Besty, my inner alcoholic is an opportunistic BEAST!

Be the Light

4/5/20

This past week has been a powerful week for me, personally.  At the beginning, I was just climbing out of the funk I was in for two weeks after life changed completely.  It wasn’t an awful funk, I was able to maintain my workouts and be pretty productive, but couldn’t shake the feeling of grief and fear I had in the back of my mind.  Uncertainty.  No shortage of it anywhere.

I feel so lucky to have gone through recovery from addiction, it is sure helping me navigate these muddy waters!

There was a time when I didn’t feel so lucky.  I had a day 1, and 2 and 3 and so forth and I felt so good.  Inevitably, after 10 days or so my addictive voice would start to make noise.  And for whatever reasons (boredom, stress, anger, denial that I really cared or wanted sobriety, you name it).  Then I would drink, and again the next night and the next, till I was able to stop again.. for 10, 11 sometimes 12 days, then back at it.  It was an endless cycle that left me questioning why all the time.  Occasionally, I would rack up 30, 40 or sometimes even more days, but when life got difficult I would always find myself heavy in a relapse.  What was the purpose of doing this over and over again?  Why is God putting me through this?

Fast forward to 2020.  I’m approaching my year anniversary of not drinking and the entire world is in chaos.  My addiction sees this as a grand opportunity.  Why not drink after that year?  Why NOT?

Because stopping is really hard.  Ironically, once you stop for awhile and then pick back up, stopping a second or third time seems more difficult.  I don’t think this has been scientifically proven, but it’s an observation that my sober circles and I have clung onto.  I’ve experienced this same phenomenon, and quite frankly, I’m terrified of being back in that cycle– but honestly I had two voices in my head, this voice of reason and then Betsy (my addictive voice).

On my year of no alcohol date, hubby brought me home a card and chocolates.  The card had a “You made it to a new level, I’m so proud of you” message.  Do you know what I asked him after reading the card?

“If I start drinking, do I go down one level, or do I go all the way down to the bottom?”

I honestly don’t even know why I asked such a ridiculous question, or what his response was.  I had mentioned it a few times to everyone in my life in the days leading up.  I wanted  all my close ones to be prepared if I relapsed.

I didn’t have a strong urge to run out the next day and get alcohol, and as the days passed and soon I was at like 370 days of sobriety, I realized the utter ridiculousness of my prior thinking.  It was Betsey and her antics.  Even though I hear from her very minimal these days, she took a grand opportunity to try to get me.  And she almost did!  This is a real life example of the saying, “While you are working your recovery, your addiction is doing pushups.”

Now, I can see the whys.  You bet your bottom I will be eternally grateful for all the restarts and relapses I dragged my rugged soul through!  I wholeheartedly believe that those are the #1 (and maybe the ONLY) reason why I was able to shut up my addictive voice when she was oh so conniving and convincing. Any weaker, and I’m pretty sure I would have caved.  In the days leading up to my one year no alcohol anniversary, I was being very kind and gentle with myself given the worldly situation, and honestly didn’t know until the day came and went if I would relapse.

The week after, I felt more content than ever having rode out that wave.  I can’t even imagine where I would be right now and how I would be feeling if I had started drinking.  I’m sure I would still be nightly drinking, maybe some day drinking too with being home all the time.  Life would be black and miserable, whereas right now it is so harmonious, yes I feel harmonious staying safe at home even with what is going on in the world.  

Which brings me to the title of this post.

I took a walk a few days ago and passed a neighbor who I didn’t recognize.  I moved to the other side of the street as we passed to respect the 6 ft distancing suggestion.

Let me just say that people out and about walking and riding their bikes have been weird these days.  Kind of unfriendly, but it’s more of like “I’m going to look down and not acknowledge you because I’m not really sure if I should be out here right now.” type of thing.  It’s not intentional rudeness, it’s fear.  Everyone is filled with fear right now.

As I passed this woman, we gave a nod and a small wave, she looked down and sad.  I wanted to say, “Hey, it’s alright.  Everything is going to be alright.”

After I thought that, I got teary eyed and emotional.  I’ve learned to pay attention to those times, they are meaningful.  I instantly felt so grateful for my recovery and growth and had a feeling that I needed to be a light for people.

As I walked on, I realized that I forgot a grocery bag for picking up my dog’s poop.   He always poops and it’s big horse poop too so I immediately felt awful.  I was too far to go back for a bag, so I asked the Universe for a bag.

I don’t ask the Universe for much, and try to thank her for every sign and good fortune that comes my way.  Gabby Bernstein always says to ask and you shall receive and it will be immediate, so I thought this is a good trial.  I just needed something that I could use to clean it up– an old chip bag or grocery bag,  please Universe.   On my walks, it’s not uncommon to find some trash here or there in the ditch, so this request was not far fetched.  Not long after, I came across an unused, actual poop bag on the sidewalk.  I was floored!  The Universe had my back and this walk was so just therapeutic in so many ways.  I felt incredible afterwards.  As if on cue, Jules pooped minutes after finding that bag.

The next day I walked again and on this day the sun was shining brightly, whereas we had just had a stretch of rainy/cloudy days.

I passed two neighbor friends, both were their normal jolly selves, which felt so good.  I felt so blissful as I walked and slightly guilty for feeling such joy when the world was coming undone.

Meanwhile I’m reading and practicing the Lotus and the Lily book, and almost to the end.  A few days prior I was supposed to think about and name the upcoming year.  I had a few ideas, but none really resonated.   The book says to keep paying attention and the right name will come.  After that feeling of Be the light, I think I have my title!

I am going to work really hard to live each day with love not fear.  I will repel negative messages with positive ones and will do my best to spread light and love.  So many people need it right now.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go on social media for a few minutes.  I’m in many different Facebook groups (gardening, rheumatoid arthritis, recovery, writing, local community groups, etc) and have noticed so much negativity lately, even in the normally nice groups, it is unreal.  After Trump was elected president, I didn’t think any more division was possible.  But this pandemic has made it happen.  People have such extreme beliefs and can’t see any other point of view.  It’s almost more difficult than the pandemic itself.

I hope you all are able to find your happiness at this time.  It is truly a horrific time for many, particularly those who are in the healthcare field or who have essential jobs.

If you are struggling, try to find the light.

If you are good, be the light.

Light and Love <3

 

Psychics

Psychics– do you love them or hate them?  Hubs calls them a “gimmick.”  “They just play off you, and take advantage of you.” he always says.

In January 2019 I attended “Supper with the Spirits” with a few others.  This was a meal in a room with about 100 people or so.  The local psychic, Kristy Robinet, would give us readings with anyone who visited from beyond the heavens while we ate.  Only problem was that I didn’t get the memo to invite my dead relatives, so when Kristy came to our table, they didn’t show up.

In November 2019 I attended a psychic fair where I knew I would be able to score a one-on-one reading.  I was really excited and pumped for the reading-besides the Supper with the Spirits, I had never interacted with a psychic before, so I was stoked!  2019 had been a great year so far, with so much growth, good growth in many different ways, and by this time I was around 8 months sober.  I couldn’t wait to hear what she had to say, I had high hopes for 2020!

Basically, the reading was spot on about 2019 but had some pretty dark things to say about 2020.  It was going to be a year of lessons for me (according to my birth date and fact that I am an 11, not sure what that means).  When I asked if this was pretty telling that it would be a difficult year, she replied, “Yes.” She also saw a lot of money around me and our money situation would completely flip this year.  I don’t know what this means for us. It could mean we come into a lot of money–or it could mean that we lose everything we have. There would also be a split involved, not necessarily with my relationship, could be a split in the way things are vs. the way they used to be.   Lastly, she said that I would have a career change and would be in a caregiving role. One last thing, the hanging man was one of my Tarot cards and she said I’d be hanging around for awhile–not able to do anything, just going with it, be patient and wait it out. On the upside, she did say that because of my number, the next three years will be great years.  

None of this was what I signed up for!  I had worked my butt off and was finally seeing some benefits.  I had some really high hopes for 2020. I didn’t want my money situation to change and I certainly didn’t want to lose my job.   A split didn’t sound wonderful, and neither did a year full of lessons. I whined about this for awhile, but people really didn’t seem to care.  This reading bothered me though, and still does. 

Around Thanksgiving I had a great idea to write a handbook called “2020: Surviving in a World of Chaos” (or something like that).  I thought it would help me plan and cope and also would satisfy a bucket list item of 2019 (publishing a book). Sadly, this never happened.  I can’t help but think it could be a bestseller with the current world climate.

Fast forward to 2020, end of January.  It wasn’t an awful month. A few small things happened, my grad class was super annoying and a ton of work, it was long, January always is, but it was ok and at the end, I thought ok, you are 1/12 of the way through.

February was a better month.  The weather was warming up a bit and even though it was a leap year, the month does not seem like 100 years like January.  I took that trip to Florida and our plane didn’t even crash. The trip was difficult at times, and I was around alcohol WAY too much, but I didn’t drink and felt proud and happy to get home to my safety zone.  Before I knew it, it was March and I could exhale deeply knowing I was now 1/6 of the way through this year. 

Then there was March.  I had high expectations for March.  I was to celebrate 1 year of vegetarianism, 1 year of no alcohol, and me and my oldest’s birthdays– it was going to be a festive month indeed!  

On Monday March 9, my boys were all at their scout meeting in the evening.  I was tinkering around the living room when I came across a book jammed into my bookshelf by the well known psychic Sylvia Brown, titled Prophecy.  I picked it up only because by now the Coronavirus had become a pandemic and was the talk of the world.  Interestingly enough, Sylvia had predicted a similar pandemic outbreak that would occur in 2020 in another book she wrote– I knew this because it was popping up all over my social media sites by then.  I had even forgotten that I had this book! I was really excited and started to flip through it, interested to see what other kinds of things she had predicted.

The education section really drew me in.  

 

This page was particularly intriguing.  I eagerly turned it to see what was in store for us educators.  What I read was laughable to me, I think I actually laughed out loud.  It was so far fetched. It talked about online learning, which was so amusing to me because it seemed so far out there. I thought of the teachers I worked with and how none of them would probably ever want or be able to teach online (including me) and just how far off she was on this.  What a joke!

That was on 3/9.  On 3/10, Michigan saw its first Corona case.  On 3/11 my colleagues and I met with our director.  She was called out by the superintendent to be informed about a call with the Department of Education that she would need to be a part of regarding the virus.  At the end of our meeting we talked briefly about what we would do in the event of a lengthy school closure and I mentioned Zoom meetings (virtual) because suddenly (and it seemed to happen overnight) that was the new “thing.”  She looked at me cross eyed, I don’t think she had ever Zoomed before (I, admittingly, knew the virtual meeting program from attending recovery meetings over the past couple years). By 3/13 the governor had closed schools for 3 weeks.  I was absolutely shocked, but not so much by the 3 week school closure. 

I was shocked at the events that unfolded after I read that book, and scoffed at the idea of online public education.  Day by day, more and more, schools around the country were going online. I’m in teacher Facebook groups with people from around the country and also have a lot of personal friends who teach in districts in MI other than mine.  Therefore, some folks are ahead of us here, but nevertheless, everyone is suddenly having Zoom meetings (well, my district is doing google hangouts, but same idea). Our special ed department had one last Friday and I couldn’t help remember that last encounter with my director.  Also, many teachers have already begun teaching online. 

My fear has been working overtime.  Most everyone knows that school is not just a place, not just a building to heat and furnish.  School is SO much more than academics.  

I’m not sure that most of the politicians and legislators know this though.  We are now looking at finishing the last ¼ of the school year in the comfort of our homes.  So, moving forward, WHY bother to pay for and have schools, principals and secretaries and a bazillion staff when you can do away with that?  Some say that is far fetched. I wish I hadn’t read that Sylvia Book, I would not be this worried.

I often wonder if I was meant to find and read that book, and why.  It was insane how crazy it seemed but then education changed instantaneously.  And I WISH that I could have known that 2020 wouldn’t just be a year of lessons for me, but for the world.  Woah!

Well folks, I think I’m done with psychics for awhile.  I think I’m better off not knowing what the future holds.

One Year Alcohol Free and an Important Lesson

March 28. 2020

Last year this day was rotten.  It was my last Day 1.  I won’t bore you with the details again, but it was pretty awful.

I had big plans for this day!  For one thing, the title of this blog was going to be “The End.”  I had planned on ending this blog, as it has just been dragging on and on for years.

I also planned on being alone today, for the whole day.  My boys had a Boy Scout trip and were going to be gone for the whole weekend.

I planned on being on Day 30 in the Lotus and the Lily book, and doing my Soul Day today.  I was going to be grand!  I was going to wake up and fast and spend time outdoors with my dog and do my mandala while setting some awesome intentions!  Then as the evening approaches I was going to get some delicious food and eat and watch some chick flick or stupid movie.

If you would have talked to me about relapsing a few weeks ago, on my 1-year anniversary, I would have hushed you quickly.  I wouldn’t have even humored it, not for a minute.  Why on earth would I do that?  After all I was having the time of my life without alcohol!

That was before this Coronavirus and before lock downs and the school closures.  That was before the stress of not knowing if I’ll have a job to get back to– or if Sylvia Brown’s prediction of all learning going online was going to come true.  That was a lifetime ago.

Laura McKowen posted about how this new world is a whole lot like being in early sobriety.  Man oh man is that true!  I don’t even remember when Betsy (my alcoholic voice) first started piping up (she actually shut up for awhile there) but of course, with the excuse of my one year plus this pandemic she actually had me convinced to drink today.

Am I going to?  I don’t think so.  I’m not drinking at this moment, nor do I want to.  Tonight?  I don’t think so, but who knows.

This was an important lesson to learn. It doesn’t matter if you have an hour alcohol free or, or a day, or a year. It truly doesn’t, we are all one sip away from a drink. A few short weeks ago I was feeling on top of the world, especially with the approaching 1 year date coming. I thought after today I would be able to better myself even further.

But instead I have spent the past week pretty much planning for a relapse after today. So what did I learn in a year’s time? Nothing??? It would appear so! I guess what I’m saying is that we are all one sip away. It doesn’t matter if you have 10 years, or 10 minutes, and we can all choose to be sober for today- or for this moment. We all need to find a program that works for us- and to work it, especially during the tough times <3

Day 362

Hey there, do you see all this nonsense?  Life is crazy today, can’t you see? Everyone is just trying to act normal, yet no one seems to know what that means during these times. I’m stuck at home with the ones I love, trying hard not to ring their neck.  I’m not used to being around these people all day– who are they?? Or better yet, WHO am I?? Oh I don’t know, I thought I knew but I haven’t seen her since around Friday the 13th.  

I know how to make a life happy– it has a lot to do with being grateful and not trying to control fate– letting it all go.  I spent the past few years studying this and thought I was nearing expert level, but this test has made me realize how far yet I have to go- how flawed I really am.

I don’t mean that in a bad way, we’re all flawed in some ways.  I have character defects and so do you, that I know is the truest of the true.  

I don’t have work obligations right now, that should make me happy.  It’s cold and nasty outside but I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, that should make me happy.  I have all day to write and work out, that should make me happy. The little stresses that were so bothersome a couple weeks ago (remember my Colleen and Nancy rant…), well I don’t have to worry about any of those little stresses, and that should make me very happy!   But no, I am not happy at all!!

I miss getting up before dawn to run the streets with my doggo. I miss seeing my friends at work every day.  I miss working with kids at school and I HATE that I don’t know when we are going back. I miss people being friendly and not wearing masks while out.  I miss the basic freedoms that we have now had taken away. I know it’s for a good cause, but it makes me so anxious and unsure, which affects my whole mood and attitude for the day.

OK, this is turning into a big giant crybaby rant.  That’s ok, I’m way overdue for a good cry. Maybe tonight will be my night.  Maybe once I cry I can start to move forward. I need to make a schedule and stick to it.  Making a schedule and being productive is SO hard when you feel like you have a hundred bricks stacked all over you.  This is what depression feels like, it can literally hurt to move. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get out of this funk while I’m out of work.  It’s going to be hard because nothing seems right right now. I can’t focus on anything.  

Today is day 362!!!  Woohoo!!! Now there’s a ginormous blessing <3 

 

I’m Starting to Lose my SH**

Monday March 16, 2020

You know on the bachelor and bachelorette when certain contestants clearly begin to lose it?  It’s hard to relate, what did they expect anyway?  They knew what they were getting into, right?  I mean, they don’t have phones or tv, but they are at a beautiful mansion with unlimited access to a pool, hot tub, game room, you name it!  How could anyone be miserable?

I feel like I’m going through something similar.  I don’t live in a spectacular house, of course, but I am feeling trapped lately, despite the newfound freedom of no work.

Tomorrow is my birthday and by all accounts I should be ecstatic.  I get to sleep in. I get to take my dog to my favorite park with tons of trails by the river.  My entire family will be home all day long and can spend their time celebrating *ME* It’s going to be great, right?!  Nothing but newfound freedom on my special day, except that I should stay away from strange people.

That freedom has not been a blessing.  Already, I miss my kids and I miss my routine.  I had a standing date with the pavement at 5am every Monday morning, and I missed it today.  Everything has changed in an instant and it is making me uncomfortable.  I’m leerie of the government and underlying motives.  I have some theories that won’t leave my head and it’s about time I evict them.

Today is day 355 of no alcohol.  I am so incredibly grateful for this, I couldn’t imagine being a drinker and going through this, it would make everything worse, especially the wake-ups when you realize that not all is right.  I am so grateful to be so close to a year, otherwise I may have already pushed the F it button.

One thing is clear.  I need to get out of my head and into action.  Instead of stewing and focusing on what’s not right, I am going to:

  • reach out to my families today
  • write each student a letter and mail it tomorrow
  • start the Dyer book with my kids
  • get something done in the den downstairs (goal for today is to list the sewing table for free, move the buffet and clean up that corner)
  • run outside when it’s warm and sunny and appreciate running in the sun instead of 5 am darkness
  • eat nutritious meals
  • spend time preparing the produce I bought/meal prepping
  • Do the L & L book
  • Meditate
  • Consciously give it all to God, to the Universe, as many times as I need to throughout the day
  • Say yes, if I get called to volunteer

 

I think that’s good to start with <3

 

That Virus and the Strangest Friday the 13th Ever

March 14, 2020

The last time I wrote was on Wednesday, March 11th and things were just starting to get crazy with the first cases of the Coronavirus found in Michigan.

Thursday was a fairly normal day at school, minus the field trip and Mystery reader cancellations, on top of all of the after school activities.  These were all cancelled until further notice.  This was a big bummer for everyone.

I was feeling pretty cruddy  on Thursday night and the school closings were multiplying.  I was anxious, wondering if we would have school on Friday.  Our governor had an address planned at 11pm, but I was way too exhausted to stay up for it.  I stirred when hubby came to bed and he thought I was still awake.  He told me that our governor closed all schools for three weeks.  I was shocked, this has never ever happened before, and I had so many questions.  I opened my email and saw a couple from our administration.  The governor’s orders begin on Monday March 16th, but most schools weren’t waiting until then to close.  My district closed for students on Friday, but staff still had to report.  While the governor closed schools for 3 weeks, both me and my kids’ districts have spring break when we are scheduled to come back.  Therefore, assuming the schools don’t move the planned break, our kids will be home for 4 weeks.

It took me a long time to get to sleep after that.  I had so many thoughts and emotions running through my head.  And I was worried, about everything.  On Tuesday I had just participated in an IEP meeting for my most challenging student whose parents expressed how difficult the holiday break was for her.  To have 2 weeks at home, unstructured was extremely tough and it had taken her a long time after the break to get back into the school routine.  She would now be home for a month now, possibly longer if this virus doesn’t subside.  Many of my students at school, including this one, want and need the routine of school.  We had two snow days a couple weeks ago, and several of my students stated that they weren’t happy to be home for two days.  Schools closing for a month is a very extreme thing.

On Friday morning, I woke up my son and nephew who are both juniors in high school and told them what was going on.  They were both shocked, but pretty happy about the school closure.  Their district had the students go on Friday, so they at least could say goodbye and have that closure that students in my district didn’t get.  I dropped them off and headed to work, no one even batting an eye that it was Friday the 13th.

I had sad feelings going into work.  I was anxious to hear what our administration would say.  Since I have to drop the boys off before high school start time, I usually arrive at work way early.  The lot was empty when I got there, more empty than usual and the air felt heavy and dismal.

Seeing and talking to coworkers, especially those few I consider good friends, helped so much.  No one has been through this in history, not in modern times anyway, but we all had similar feelings and emotions.  We were all feeling sad and heavy, not unlike the feelings that arose after 9/11.

We all gathered in the library for a staff meeting.  For once, everyone was silent.  Dozens of questions were asked, but none had a definite answer.  My principal told us that he had an administrator meeting that morning and would hopefully get some more information.

There wasn’t anything to do while he was gone except wait.  I could have worked on work, but I couldn’t focus. The school seemed way too quiet and empty.  Liz and I were hanging out in my room. Todd and Shellie came in and it turned into a fun pow wow.  My building has seemed so tense this past month with a lot of bickering staff.  The entire day seemed to help us all remember why we do what we do and to not worry about the petty stuff.

We got an email that we had to go to a special ed meeting at 1:00 and then back to our building for a meeting at 2:00.  We got a little more information as to what will be expected of us these next few weeks, but still so many unanswered questions.

Setting all circumstances aside, Friday was a really fun day with a lot of socialization and laughter.  That was all needed, especially on a day like yesterday.

It isn’t easy to understand the magnitude of this– I can’t even wrap my head around it.  What about all of the kids at home alone while their parents are at work?  How about all of the places that are on pause, or shutting down, what about the employees who will lose pay?

I hate to admit this and think it sounds really irresponsible, but I haven’t even been to a store yet.  We are running low on bread and a couple of other things, so I should probably venture out today.  I told hubby last night I’m not sure I can emotionally handle seeing empty shelves right now.  I have no idea how stocked the stores are around me, I am planning on making a few stops today to find essentials like bread and water.  The bottled water I need is for my coffee maker, so if I can’t find any, we will survive without coffee.

I’ve been trying like hell to find a few hours to carve into stone time to write each week.  I think I may have even asked the Universe for the gift of time last week.  I will be spending these next few weeks writing as much as I can.  Not saying this is my fault, but I am saying that I will try to focus on the blessings.  I also am looking forward to spending some quality time with my kids, but acknowledge that I will be more than ready to go back in April.

I’m visualizing the day we return in April.  Everyone will be so happy to be back to normal.  Teachers will be in a good mood and kids will be ecstatic to be back.  There will be lots of laughs!  It will be springtime and the air will be light.   We will be grateful that our government took extra precautions and prevented much sickness from spreading <3

That Virus

The Coronavirus and I have a long history.  Oh wait, it’s the Parvovirus, another k9 disease that I have a long history with.   I’ve had two different types of doctors tell me, 5 years apart, that I have the Parvovirus and that it is causing me arthritic symptoms.  That’s a story for another time.

To me, the two viruses will always be related, because they remind me of the old days when I worked at a veterinary clinic. All the dog vaccines are related. Often times, I would be going over vaccines with a client telling them about the Coronavirus and Lyme vaccine, amongst others. Inevitably, the occasional client would joke and say something like, “Sure, I’ll have a Corona with Lyme!”   Ahhhhh, those were the days!  It was laughable, just like the many long Saturday moments I would spend hungover in the x-ray developing room, which was small, dark and warm– taking a short doze.  I digress..

I stopped to pick up medicine for Jules the other night.  I take him to the vet I used to work at.  My old boss, Marianne, was at the front desk.   We chatted, and the topic of this new virus came out.  She said how they are feeling it– with a shortage of certain medical supplies.  We kind of laughed at the oddity of the name of this virus and how it is no longer standard practice to vaccinate for it.

Since then, two cases have been reported in our state and things have gotten really serious.  My department was meeting with our director this morning and the superintendent called her out for a minute.  She was asked to be on a conference call with the state regarding the virus.  And then emails, a few lengthy ones that I still need to read more thoroughly, about a huge range of items including information about providing a free and appropriate education in the event of a closure.  After an address given by our governor, schools decided to cancel upcoming after school activities and events.  This is all very big.

Up until today, I wasn’t even thinking of stockpiling.  I ran out tonight and stopped at Walgreens to buy a thermometer and a few other things.  Thermometers were slim picking!  They had very little to choose from, most kinds were sold out.

In line, the guy who came up behind me was buying a lot of TP.  Then the guy who came up behind him was buying a lot of TP.  Then they started talking about how they were buying TP.  And how Costco was out and how the news had two people fighting over some. By then I had paid but was considering going back to get me some of that TP!

I heard 3 customers ask for hand sanitizer, which was met with a no.  The woman in front of me was buying a ton of cleaning products and soap.

I really don’t think I’ve ever been through anything like this.  Maybe that huge power outage back in 2003 that lasted a few days, but I don’t remember it being this hyped up and crazy. Then again, we had no power or no smart phones back then, or even car radio stations. No media influence.  I vaguely remember stores being out of water.

I read today, and have no idea about the validity, that Italy is in an awful state.   The things I read were awful.

Prayers and well wishes to anyone who needs it <3