Fear and Anxiety are Setting In

My intake appointment is less than a week away.  Most of the initial excitement of the prospect of a new life has turned to fear.  I’m finding myself in a constant state of worry.

This isn’t something I can readily talk about.  As it is, I’ve only told 4 people.  And have only talked in depth to one (my husband– and that’s iffy, he doesn’t seem to like to talk about it).  The others, I just mentioned that I was going to do this.

One (my best friend Debbie) has a huge camping trip planned starting next week.  She wants us to come out at least for a night or two.  I had to tell her, because I can’t be in that environment while embarking on this journey.  I know I would fail.  In the 15 years I’ve been camping, the only time I’ve ever not been drinking is when I was pregnant.  Camping + fire + music = heavy drinking.  Not to mention, I am such a light sleeper that without booz, I’d be up all night with all the loud campers.  In order to be successful, I’m not confident that I will ever be able to go camping again.  Especially in the first few weeks of this new lifestyle.

There are many things that I worry will be triggers.  Up north vacations, beach days, parties at dad’s house, sitting on the deck (drinks on the deck, it’s our thing!), swimming in the pool, happy hour after work, the list is endless.

I was at a work party yesterday and a friend casually mentioned that we needed to hang out this summer and have drinks at the pool.  I’m sure after she said that, my blood pressure increased.  I instantly wondered when the time came, what I would tell her– or maybe that would be the day that I start drinking again and throw everything away.

As the school days are dwindling, I’m finding myself wanting to hold onto them for as long as I can.  The end of school will be the end of my comfortable living. I am scared and anxious, yet hopeful.  I’m going to go to the classes diligently and try to relearn how to live without drinking.

I know in my heart what I need to do.  I need to believe in myself.  I need to live through being uncomfortable, knowing that it’s inevitable in order to change.  I need to remember WHY I want to change.  I need to think of alcohol as the devil. See, for me, it is.  Taking away precious moments from my life and putting me in harm’s way.

This is the most important road I’ve ever taken.  I pray that I can get through this successfully and live a happy and healthy life.

#alcoholaddiction #recovery #healing #journey #Godwillwalkwithme

I’ve Seen Better Days

June 2016

I am starting to get nervous.  A couple of weeks ago, I was pretty hyped up, excited.  Now that the clock is ticking, I don’t know if I can follow through.  How can I?  I’m so used to old habits and the way things are, how can I change?  I keep hoping that if I want it bad enough, then I can be successful.. right?

The past couple of weeks have been a bear.  I have a pleural effusion, which may or may not have been caused by something serious (liver cirrhosis, cancer, autoimmune issues or air changes..).  This has slowed me down some (it’s basically a fluid build up between my lungs and rib cage), sometimes waking me up early in the day not able to breathe.  Normally, summer vacation would have started already, but due to a late Labor Day and start to the school year, we still have 7 school days left with kids, plus 1 without kids.  But I am exhausted!

I haven’t cut down on drinking.  I am trying to savor each drinking day!  I really don’t know if I can stop.  I haven’t made an outpatient appointment yet.  I suppose I should get off this blog and make a decision as to where I am going and see about getting an appointment.

This is scary.  I don’t want to spend the summer 2016 strung out, I really don’t!  I want to feel good, energetic, happy and healthy.  I want to exercise daily and detox my body.  I just don’t know if I can do it!

#alcoholic #addiction #recovery #scaredtochange

Alcoholism and Depression

May 2016

I am going to write about my recovery on here.  I’m going to tell my story first.  I am not strong enough to share this with anyone that I personally know.  Not my husband, not my best friend, not my sisters.  I can’t say the words out loud.

I can’t admit that I drink every single night (except on rare occasions).  I can’t tell anyone that I don’t remember going to bed most nights.  I wake up, with a paranoia that I’ve forgotten to take out my contacts– or left a cat outside. Waking up to go to work is the worst.  Many times I have a pounding headache and puffy eyes.  On the worst of mornings, I feel slightly intoxicated still on the ride there.

There is an underlying guilt everyday and a promise that I won’t drink tonight. On the rare occasion that I don’t drink– the lack of guilt the next day is a great feeling.

I guess I took my first step towards recovery last week.  I went to the doctor because I have a pleural effusion, which incidentally can be caused by cirrhosis of the liver, amongst a slew of other things.  I told my doctor (one that I’ve never seen before) that I drank on a daily basis.  After talking, we both decided that outpatient therapy would be best and that I should wait until school gets out so I can take the time for therapy.   I have about 3 weeks left of school.

Until then, he said to cut down my drinking.  He said not to stop, because at this point stopping cold turkey can have major health implications.   How scary, although my pleural effusion is pretty scary too.

I went to the doctor last week.  Cutting down has not been successful.  I find that once I start drinking, I can’t stop.  I hope that my recovery is more successful!