I decided after writing yesterday to dump out the remaining alcohol. I didn’t want to plan on drinking last night– or any of the future nights.
I’ve established a pattern with my relapses. This pattern began after my initial 92 days of sobriety that started back in February 2017.
The relapse starts with an urge. I ride it out, waiting hours or in some cases until the next day. I eventually say “F it” and give in to the urge. I usually drink a couple nights in a row. Typically, the drinking nights are not good. I isolate and get numb. There isn’t much fun, it’s not like I’m drinking because I am at the bar or a party. Then I get fed up and scared of going back to daily drinking. I resolve to be sober and dump out any alcohol that is left. I embrace sobriety with full arms and enjoy the benefits (being fully present, sleeping soundly, waking up without the physical ailments, etc). A couple weeks sober and the urge comes back, cycle starts all over.
I don’t understand this pattern and why I keep going back when I’m not getting any positive reinforcements and only negative consequences. BUT… I’m not beating myself up too bad because drinking 2 nights every couple of weeks is a world better than drinking Every. Single. Night. ! I still feel like I’ve made tremendous progress. I’m still learning and working towards full sobriety and understand that it is a work in progress.
One thing that I keep thinking is that maybe I really need to pursue a sponsor and to actively work through the 12 steps in AA. I have the book and have studied step one. I go to meetings, but can’t say that they’ve been overly helpful- although it is nice to connect with other women who GET it.
I also believe that meditation would help me free my drinking thoughts. I think that meditation can be an extremely helpful tool, but I’m not sure how to make it work for me. I hope to pursue this in the near future and hope to have success.
I am a happy person at the moment. It is Saturday night and I have a totally clear head. We had my mother and father in law over for dinner and had meaningful conversations. Typically, I would just be antsy waiting for them to leave so that I can start drinking. How nice to not have that burden!
All in all, Day 2 was a big success!! Yeah!!