Another Relapse, 6-30-17

I foolishly picked up a box of wine and drank the first night in Tawas.  Felt crappy the next day and wasn’t going to drink the second night– but it was there and I was bored.. so I did.

Drinking didn’t make things GREAT.  On the second morning, we had to get up and get the place cleaned up and head home.  One thing I want to mention is that I was SO short tempered with the kids.  I knew it was the hangover.  I was in a terrible mood.  My mental and physical states were sad and painful.

We are going back up tonight.  I’m not sure what or if I will drink this weekend.  Monday is the 3rd anniversary of my mom’s death, it is going to be a hard day.

NOOOOOOOO!   I reread the last two lines, and NO.  I will NOT drink this weekend.  I DON’T want to feel as bad as I did yesterday and Wednesday.  I DON’T want to be short tempered with my family and unmotivated.  More than likely it will just be non drinkers up there anyway, so I don’t even need to be tempted by others drinking!

Here is a quick list of strategies for when I feel tempted:

– Treat myself (food, special drink, apparel– whatever it takes!)

– Go outside– go for a walk or down to the beach and take in nature

– Read or listen to a podcast

– Make a list of reasons why I will regret it the next day

Ok team!  We’ve got this!  I will not sit back and “maybe” drink.  I. WILL. NOT. DRINK.  PERIOD!!

Now off to do some more writing and reflecting and then go to AA to hear a powerful speaker.

#alcoholic #alcoholrecovery #recovery #relapse #addiction #alcoholaddiction #shredtheshame #alcoholism #soberlife #soberhouse #sobriety

Practice Makes Progress, 6-26-17

Doing good– recovery is going well.  I am building my toolbox and using my tools.

It’s been a about 14 days since my last drink.  I don’t think about drinking most times.  Sometimes, it’s a fleeting thought but persistent and my mind tries to tell me that it would be a really good idea to pick up some wine and drink.

I have to tell myself, “NO, you don’t drink anymore?”  Normally, the thought goes away quickly.  It is when I decided to play around with occasional drinking that the voice got loud and persistent.  The longer I abstain, the easier it is to shut the voice up.

I am putting my sobriety first.  If I need to keep busy, I keep busy.  If I need to be lazy, then I’m lazy.  If my body needs a nap, then I take a nap.  I am putting  myself first– summer vacation is allowing me to do that and I am so grateful.

I’ve been to 2 AA meetings and fixing to go to my 3rd today.  There is supposedly a good speaker speaking at the meeting on Friday and I’m excited to go.   I’m heading to Tawas tomorrow with the boys and will be back on Thursday, so today (Monday) and Friday will probably be the only days I make it to meetings this week.

I am proud of my progress!  I am especially proud when I read back to posts from last summer.  I was in SUCH a dark place.  I couldn’t see it then, but can sure see it now.  I hope that I don’t go back to drinking this summer.  Life is so much better right now.  I am in full control and feeling healthier than I’ve felt in a very long time (physically and mentally).

I am a little nervous about going up to Tawas.  I’m only going for 2 nights.  Then coming home and leaving to go back up the next day with Big Ant on Friday to spend the 4th of July up there.  Going up this week will be sort of practice because my relapses have happened up there.  I will be there alone with the kids and there will be no reason at all to drink.  Next week may be tricky.  More people will be up there and it is coming on the anniversary of my mom’s death (July 3rd).  This will be the first sober anniversary and that makes me nervous.  I even shared this at the last AA meeting.  SO…  arming myself with my tools and going to have a plan for the day.  Going to try to continue enjoying sobriety and doing the things that keep me feeling good (working out, getting enough sleep, etc).

Much love <3

#alcoholic #alcoholrecovery #addiction #recovery #relapse #intervention #lifeisgood #alcoholfree #alcoholfreeandlovingit

12 Step Meeting 6-22-17

After my last post I drank a couple times.  I picked up vodka and Kamora (I don’t even remember WHY) and drank 2 or 3 nights in a row.  After the last night of drinking, I dumped out the rest of my box of wine, the vodka and the Kamora.  I was DONE.  It wasn’t enjoyable when I drank and I woke up each day feeling like complete shit.  It’s now been 11 days since my last drink.  Yesterday was the 2nd full day of summer vacation.  I was super nervous about being off work, but so far it’s been good.  I’ve been setting goals each day and working on different self improvement activities.  It’s like my own little version of the show “Sober House”.  Haha, I think that’s funny.  But it’s true– I garden, meditate, exercise, sort junk in the basement, and go to meetings (as of yesterday).  NOT a bad summer, not a bad life.  I’m diggin’ it!  Here is my post on Cafe RE yesterday:

Hey guys! I am going to do something for the first time today and out of my comfort zone. I’m going to an AA meeting at noon. I’m nervous and excited. I really don’t know what to expect, and I hope the people there are nice. I’ll check in later this afternoon and let you know how it went. Wish me good luck, send good vibes please 🙂

And then after the meeting:

Thanks everyone, as always, for your kind words, support & encouragement. The meeting was great, better than I expected. Many people in attendance for it being on a weekday at noon. I sat at a women’s table & they were kind of standoffish at first. When they found out it was my first meeting ever they embraced me with open arms 🙂
I shared my story and held it together. Much growth since last summer when just thinking about going to a meeting sent me into hysterics (that before I knew anything about this recovery process). I heard many of the same value bombs I’ve heard on RE Podcast or FB page. It was so nice to connect with like ladies in real life 💜
Thanks again everyone, I probably would not have gone if I didn’t have the knowledge gained from this community. I will be going back soon 😊

#alcoholaddiction #recovery #addiction #alcoholic #12stepprogram #twelvesteps

OOPS, I did it Again 6-8-17

I had wine last night– too much.  I wanted to drink wine all day.  I knew that I would.  I picked up a box before picking Ant up from choir rehearsal.  I don’t remember the latter part of last night and I felt pretty awful today.

I missed my morning run.  I was so tired all day long and groggy.  I had a headache all day long.  My body was achy and my lung hurt.   My stomach didn’t’ feel super awesome either.  Overall, drinking last night made today suck pretty bad.   I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow and NOT feel like this!

Next time I want to drink I’m going to read this.  Since I quit drinking regularly, I’ve found that when I drink the negative consequences outweigh the positive ones.  I don’t feel that great while I’m drinking.  I am distant and introverted.  The wakeup the next day is brutal and it affects my entire day.  It really isn’t worth it and should be something I do once in a great while.

That is all.  I have to get ready for the choir concert.  I just wanted to get that off my chest and will hopefully deter wanting to drink in the near future.

Relapse is a Four Letter Word

Listened to a good topic yesterday from HOME podcast #12 Relapse. I hate that word. When I hear it, I immediately get a vision of old 90210 episodes when Dylan McKay has relapsed. He doesn’t shower or leave his home and his house is a disaster with liquor bottles all around. When his friends stop by to help he is quite a pill to be around. That is my visual definition of relapse.

About a month ago, I took my first drink since February. I drank a bottle of wine and regretting it the next day, physically not mentally. I didn’t wake up mad at myself or full of shame. I woke up knowing that this is my journey. Did I relapse? I set my counter back. I didn’t drink the following day, or the next. It was nothing like the image in my head of someone who has relapsed.

I have drank since then. Not every day, not every week, not every Friday or Saturday night. The drinks are few and far between, nothing like the every single night that I used to drink.

Every time I drink, I realize how much I don’t love it. I don’t know why I still occasionally do it. It still does have some control over me– and I’m not recommending the periodic drink to anyone in recovery. I think that with working through things, I will be at a place where I can abstain 100%. I might not be there yet, but this is my beautiful journey and I have so much still to learn.

I don’t want to call this a relapse. I am not going back to where I was (oh and that was a LOW low place!). I am growing, and moving forward, and learning. My path is unique and is mine and I still have so much to learn!

Thank you Cafe RE family for all your inspiring posts. They are a constant reminder of the great things that we can achieve when we are sober and working on our insides. If you find yourself waking up after a night of mistakes, don’t beat yourself up. Learn. Appreciate. Grow. Relapse has such a negative connotation attached to it, but maybe it doesn’t have to.

alcholic alcoholaddiction addiction relapse recovery alcoholrecovery

Relapse

I drank a few times and it wasn’t even enjoyable.

The first time was Mother’s Day weekend.  We were up north and going to have a bon fire with Jackie and Aunt Sandy.  I knew it would be hard to be around Jackie and not drink, she took me out for my 21st birthday for crying out loud!  I had planned on not drinking, but as we headed back to our cottage after having dinner at AS’s house, I told Anthony that I was going to get wine.  I told him that It’s not going to become a habit that it’ll be a one night deal, and it was.  I bought a bottle (not a box, wahoo!) and drank it.  I didn’t even know if I would get through it, I was 2/3 through it and it was going down slow.  It started to go down faster though and I drank it all and wanted more.

Went to bed and woke up with a headache.  While walking to the park with Willy and Jules, I felt pretty bad (physically).  As he walked Jules closer to the busy road, my heart thumped and I felt extremely anxious like I couldn’t breath.  I had a dull headache the whole day and just basically not productive.

The following Thursday I had dinner with my old friend Teresa.  We had a couple of hours to kill and then she had a school function to go to.  I ordered a drink and was proud because not only did it last over an hour, but I didn’t drink the last ¼ of it.  I drove home with zero buzz and happy to not have to worry about getting pulled over.

On Friday, the alcoholic voice in my head was nagging me.  I knew then that feeding her up north and again when I was out to dinner made her louder and more demanding.  The Anthonys were leaving for a weekend trip and I contemplated drinking.  Anthony was a real dick getting stuff packed on Thursday and Friday (he can never find any of his crap and Anthony is always pokey and doesn’t follow Ant’s packing directions).  By the time he left I was so pissed at him I wouldn’t even say goodbye. I couldn’t wait for him to be gone!  A little later, I drove to CVS and bought some captain morgan’s .  I had a few drinks after Will went to bed.  Didn’t taste great and gave me a stomachache.   I drank about ½ of the 5th.  I poured the rest out the next day.

Then I went the week without drinking.  Now we are at Memorial Day weekend.  I didn’t drink or have the urge to drink on Friday or Saturday night.  On Sunday I woke up with a horrendous sore throat.  While Anthony was productive all day I was pretty much confined to the couch.  I was sad and pissed.  I did make it to the grocery store at least– and thought it would be a good idea to buy a box of wine.  Drinking always took the edge off when I was sick and drinking last night helped my physical pain.

It wasn’t a great night.  I sat by the pond by myself getting hammered.  I came in, watched some tv with the boys and then played battleship with Willy.  It wasn’t a great game.  I was so tired of having to focus that I moved my boats so that he could win.   I wasn’t present.  I don’t remember going to bed and it was a sucky boring night!

I’m not going to pour out the rest of the box of wine.  I’m going to move it to the garage though and not touch it for awhile.

I don’t know if I can keep drinking moderately.  After drinking I haven’t had the urge to continue night after night like before.    As of right now, drinking isn’t fun and the repercussions are not worth it.

I guess as long as I am in control, unlike before, then I am ok with once in awhile caving in.  We’ll see…

#alcoholrecovery #addiction #health #relapse #moderation #alcoholaddiction #alcoholism #alcoholic

Life. Is. Good. 4-23-17

I felt the need to post an inspiring message to new members of the group I belong to.  I wanted to share it here:

(warning, insanely long post ahead)

Hey newbies!

**If you are still drinking, keep reading, listening and watching.  I joined Cafe RE a couple of weeks before quitting.  I felt like an imposter as I read, read and occasionally commented.  I was in disbelief of the happiness people were finding in their sobriety.  And the vacation photos were unreal!  Like.. people could actually stay sober while vacationing?  Who would have thunk that the ocean and the mountains were SO much more vivid while sober and not drunk or hungover!

**If you are a day or days sober, HANG in there.  It is HARD.  On my 3rd sober day, I sobbed in my husband’s arms when he got home.  NOT because it was my late mother’s birthday and I missed her– but because I was making dinner and wanted a drink SO bad (how pathetic is that??  I do know that my angel mom understood the situation and is proud of me).   Luckily with his support, I did not fill my cup, ate dinner and took a walk and felt grateful and alive for the first time in months.  It DOES get better!

**If you are a week or a few weeks sober, still HANG in there!!  Weeks 2-3 were the worst for me!  I was used to staying up late and getting up early and managing.  Suddenly I was EXHAUSTED!!!  This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.  I was like 2 weeks totally clean, I should be bouncing with energy not going to bed at 9 and still requiring a nap after work!  I was unable to see the benefits I was reaping of not drinking at that point in time.  My therapist helped me see this (if you don’t have a therapist– get one if possible– or at least a neutral person to vent to).  It seemed a that point in time, that alcohol gave me superpowers and if that’s what it took , then that’s what I should be drinking.  Ooooh, how alcohol and our alcoholic voice lies to us!!!   Hang in there, don’t give in to your voice.  You should be building a tool box by now and if you don’t know what I’m talking about then feel free to pm me.

**If you are a month or a few months sober, then I hope you are enjoying life!  This is where I’m at right now.  While I had my first sober birthday since teenage years (AND it was my 40th AND on St. Patty’s day– the biggest drinking day of the year) and my first sober vacation, I’m realizing that there are still many firsts to come.  As the firsts come and go, I’m approaching each one with less anxiety and more confidence and excitement.  I accept that I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and I am still taking it one day, one moment at a time.

I don’t know why I felt compelled to write this.  I think because if there is hope for me, then there is hope for anyone who has the desire to quit.  It took me a good 9 months from the time I realized that I had a problem and COULDN’T quite to the time that I became determined to make it through the first 3 days, which turned into a week and then more.  BTW.. I didn’t see a therapist until I was about 2 weeks sober.  So really it was listening to the podcasts and reading Cafe RE facebook posts that gave me the confidence and knowledge to quit.

My last drink was 2/11/17.  While I’m a much happier and healthy person, it isn’t always easy.  I still have tough days and tough weeks sometimes.  Is it worth it?  ALWAYS!!  Best advice from here:  No one ever woke up regretting not drinking!!  Ironically, some things that I dreaded most in the beginning are things I cherish most right now (like sober weekends– they are priceless!!!).

You can do it and you are worth it!  Happy sober Sunday 🙂

#recovery #alcoholaddiction #mentalhealth #substanceabuse #lovelifelivehappy

A Birthday Success! 3-20-17

I’m feeling very accomplished.  It is Monday and I survived Friday, St. Pat’s Day, My 40th birthday and then my birthday party on Saturday without a drink.  I knew that I didn’t want to drink– but didn’t know if I would until each night passed.

My party was laid back and small.  Most people weren’t drinking.  James and Daphne brought me a bottle of Captain Morgans (I haven’t told many people I quit).  It would have been SO easy to pour some into my punch– but I knew it wouldn’t end well.  The bottle is up in my old liquor cupboard.  I’m going to dump it, just haven’t gotten the chance yet.

I felt kind of sad after the party.  I was mourning my old friend Alcohol– who wasn’t invited.  Some of the evening was boring without him and I worried that I was a boring host.  I messaged Debbie the morning after who assured me that it was relaxed but not boring and she prefers me not oblivious drinking till I pass out.

So far it’s been 5 weeks and 2 days.  WOW!  Never could I have imagined that before.  This one day at a time stuff really works!!  🙂

I’ve also been seeing a therapist regularly.  I think that has helped my mental state.  The 2nd and 3rd week was really tough.  I felt SO tired, groggy and crabby.  It seemed like I was such a better person when I drank regularly.  She helped me to see the positives and when I came to her during week 4 she was amazed at my transformation.  I was happy and had an energy I lacked before.

I hope that I never succumb to the way of life I used to know.  I was like a prisoner who wanted to be freed but didn’t know how.  Alcohol really had a tight grip on me.  I never want to go down that road again!

I’ll keep writing, especially as I progress in my 30 day book and have writing assignments.  I haven’t read it in awhile.  This whole month has been so busy with work obligations and appointments.  It seems that I have something to do every night.  Things are going to be slower in April though and I hope to get a lot of reading done over spring break (not sure what we are doing yet or where we are going…)

Anyways, I’m at work on lunch.  Time to get back to work and get ready for my afternoon.  Ready to be done with Monday!

30 Day Solution Day 3

My Plan to Avoid Temptation:

This is hard because even though I have been sober for 3 weeks, I haven’t put myself in the position to be tempted.  Early on, I walked every night and that helped curb cravings.  I still walk a lot, but I don’t have cravings every night.

I am worried about my birthday in 2 weeks.  It is a big one, my 40th.  Debbie might come down.  I think keeping busy will be good, but I still worry that she will be a trigger.

I need to think on this….

Listen to podcast or read book

Go for a quick walk (or other form of movement/exercise)

Eat something or drink coffee/tea

Post on cafe RE

Review notes from Day 2

I think this is a good (and feasible) list!  At least for the short term.  As far as the long term goes, I am taking it one day/one moment at a time!  It seems to be working like a charm 🙂

#alcoholaddiction #alcoholkills #recovery #takingmylifeback

30 Day Solution Day 2

Vision Statement:

I am brilliant in the body and mind.  My mind is sharp and colleagues and friends look to me for help.  I am energetic and playful.  I am content where I am and optimistic for the future.

The Before Me:

I think I probably used alcohol to escape depression.  I am tired of being sick and tired.  I hate waking up everyday feeling guilt and shame.  I am tired of wondering if my health ailments are due to my drinking.  I am tired of alcohol taking me away from my family.  I am tired of worrying that my breath reeks of alcohol in the morning at work.  I am tired of over drinking to the point of not being coherent.  I am tired of thinking about my dreams and aspirations instead of following through with them.

The New Me:

I will feel great when I am thriving in society.  My energy will be high and I will be excited about life.  I will be able to accomplish personal goals, such as my fitness goals, my creative goals and I’ll also be able to organize the house and make such nice spaces (such as the spare room AKA junk room).  My family will be proud of me and I will be high on life, not on the temporary alcohol buzz.  My finances will be happier and so will my spouse.  I’m not sure how my career will change– it might not, but I will be a more competent teacher when I am sober and thriving.

#recovery #30daysolution #alcoholaddiction #addiction