30 Day Solution Day 2

Vision Statement:

I am brilliant in the body and mind.  My mind is sharp and colleagues and friends look to me for help.  I am energetic and playful.  I am content where I am and optimistic for the future.

The Before Me:

I think I probably used alcohol to escape depression.  I am tired of being sick and tired.  I hate waking up everyday feeling guilt and shame.  I am tired of wondering if my health ailments are due to my drinking.  I am tired of alcohol taking me away from my family.  I am tired of worrying that my breath reeks of alcohol in the morning at work.  I am tired of over drinking to the point of not being coherent.  I am tired of thinking about my dreams and aspirations instead of following through with them.

The New Me:

I will feel great when I am thriving in society.  My energy will be high and I will be excited about life.  I will be able to accomplish personal goals, such as my fitness goals, my creative goals and I’ll also be able to organize the house and make such nice spaces (such as the spare room AKA junk room).  My family will be proud of me and I will be high on life, not on the temporary alcohol buzz.  My finances will be happier and so will my spouse.  I’m not sure how my career will change– it might not, but I will be a more competent teacher when I am sober and thriving.

#recovery #30daysolution #alcoholaddiction #addiction

Over a Week in the Books!

Wow, I made it a week!  The first 4-5 days was the worst.  I started on a Saturday.  Sunday was fine, I kept busy and didn’t think about it.  Monday was TOUGH.  It might have had something to do with it being my late mom’s birthday.  I was making dinner and craving wine (I would occasionally drink and cook– not all the time but sometimes).

Anthony got home and when he hugged me I started to cry.  He kept hugging me and kissing me and I realized that he thought I was crying because of my mom.  I was crying because I wanted a drink.  These are the things I said, “I just want a drink.   I have wine in the garage, do you think one glass would hurt? There’s only enough left for 2 glasses, so I wouldn’t be able to have more than that.  How did I let it get this bad?  How did I let it get this out of control?”   He consoled me and told me we’d take a walk after dinner.

I was emotional at dinner, but I was happy on our walk.  I felt ALIVE.  I felt like I was living for once.  When we got home, I was no longer craving wine or alcohol.  I felt happy.

The following night– or maybe it was later the same night, Anthony apologized to me.  He was sorry that he hadn’t intervened before it got so bad.  He told me that only on a couple occasions did he feel like I was out of control.  I told him that if he had tried to intervene then it would not have ended well and that this is my journey and I had to figure it out on my own.  I felt and still feel so blessed to have such a loving and caring husband.

On Tuesday I went to a meeting.  I ended up at mass instead.  I didn’t realize it until over ½ way through so I stuck it out.  It was a nice service and I left laughing at the mishap.  I haven’t been to a meeting yet, but I am seeing a therapist in a few days.

I had a bad RA flare Thursday to Friday.  Finally started to feel better Friday afternoon.  It was super nice and sunny on Saturday.  I walked a total of like 6 miles and we rode our bikes to James and Daphne’s to meet their new rescue boxers.

Since last weekend, I have lost 9 pounds.  This is a huge motivator for me.  It has also motivated me to eat as organic and vegan as possible.  I am looking forward to being in the best shape of my life in the start of my 40th decade.

I want to end this blog with the everlasting hope and happiness I am feeling in my soul.  I am finally free.  I can’t speak for tomorrow, or next month, or next year, but today I am carefree and happy.

#addiction #alcoholism #addictionrecovery #recovery #recoveryelevator #cleanliving

Learning in Progress, February 2017

Update from August 2016-February 2017— I continued to drink regularly, drinking just about every night.  Stringing two sober consecutive nights together was rare, and three was impossible.  In January 2017 I discovered a podcast called The Recovery Elevator.  By then, quitting was still heavily on my mind but I didn’t have the tools to be successful.

February 2017

With the discovery of an excellent podcast called Recovery Elevator, I am finally making progress.  I listened regularly to back episodes for a good 2-3 weeks before making the decision to quit.

I learned so much from the podcasts and am still learning.

One of the most valuable things I learned is to take one day at a time.  Up until now, thinking about quitting would cause me great anxiety.  I would think about my upcoming birthday, or long summer days and be just so completely overwhelmed with the thought of abstaining.  I learned to take it one day, or moment, at a time.  I don’t have to think about tomorrow, or next week, or my 40th birthday on the biggest party day of the year next month.  All I need to think and focus on is today.  If I can abstain today, then I am A-Ok!

Another thing I learned is that my addiction has an inner voice and it sounds like me talking.  She says things like, “I’ll just have one.”  “I can handle it tonight, and stop tomorrow.” and other horrible lies.  I still need to learn to recognize her and separate her voice from mine.  I call my inner demon voice “Betsy”.

Something else that I learned is that this is a work in progress, and will always be a work in progress.  Meetings, learning, writing, etc.  I haven’t gone to a  meeting yet, but there is a local one in 2 days and I plan on attending.  I also have a therapist lined up.  I have issues in my head, and will have more issues from recovering that I will need to deal with.  I’m happy to report that I found one that came highly recommended.  If I go to her and am not happy with her, then I will find another one.

This is only my 2nd night sober.  I think they say the first 72 hours is the worst. Yesterday and last night was ok, but today was much harder.  It was Sunday.  I always drink on Sundays, sometimes starting as early as dinnertime.   I am currently almost ready for bed and drinking sleepy time tea.  Totally looking forward to waking up sober.

I am so thankful for finding that podcast, it sure helped steer me in the right directions.  I can see by reading earlier posts that I was blind last summer to what I really needed to do.  I am looking forward to living a colorful life and being stronger for beating this!

#alcoholaddiction #recovery #soberliving #recoveryelevator #sobriety

Still no Abs 8-21-17

I still haven’t made my 3 day goal and am drinking about every night.  On a good night, I don’t start until 7 or 8.  On a bad day, I start drinking wine around 4 (which I do about once or twice a week).

Perhaps I will try to get in 3 abs days this week.  Trying not to think too hard about it, but I really would like to dramatically decrease my drinking once school starts.  It sure would help my weight dramatically!

I started the summer absolutely terrified of withdrawal complications.  I’m not really concerned about that anymore.  I don’t get any of the symptoms when I do stop, so I’m not going to let myself be paranoid about it.

In my defense, it has been a few stressful weeks (yeah I know, not really a validated excuse).  My uncle, who has been very ill and in the hospital since early July has passed away.  I’ve gone up north on the fly with the boys and am doing it again next week.  Always hard to abs up there!

I would like to make a few goals for this week:

#1– today is Layla’s birthday party at the beach.  You KNOW how it is at the beach!  I do not want to drink today.  At least that’s what I’m saying now, at 8:12 in the morning.  I’m going to try to not drink at the beach and remember how good it felt the last time to remember the ride home and to be able to be productive after a beach day.  IF I need to drink I would like to drink something really weak, like I did last time and didn’t really catch a buzz.  HOPE !!

#2– continue to work out almost everyday, even when I’m up north. I ALWAYS feel better when I’m working out and I really need to keep it up and form a solid habit before going back to work.

#3– Try to abs the best I can.  I would LOVE to have 3 abs days this week– if if they’re not consecutive– but even better if they are!

Wish me luck & success.  I will TRY to have as much willpower as I can.

#addiction #alcohol #recovery #willpower #sober

Managing Things 8-8-16

I didn’t make my 3 day abs goal.

I am ok with that.  Overall, I have cut down my drinking.  Today I start a 21 day challenge (for weight loss).  I have to work out daily and eat well.  I’m going to try to drink on as many few nights as possible.

On Wednesday morning, I am heading to Tawas with my sons.  There, I’m going to connect with my mom (as all of her things fill the cottage).  We’re going to disconnect, read more, write more, color, and spend good quality time together.

I don’t think I have ever stayed at that cottage a night without drinking.  That is very SAD.  I’m not sure how much fun it will be to get sloshed while taking care of the boys, so I will drink a little to nothing.

I am very excited today and tomorrow to focus on working out/cleaning the house/hanging out in the pool and then heading north with all of my productive things to do.

#recovery #addiction #alcoholaddiction #summer2016 #moderation

Results of the Beach Party 8-1-16

I drank at the beach yesterday, even though I was going to try to abstain.

You see, being at the beach, especially with that side of the family after my mom passed away can be dreadful.  Nothing against them, I love them all.  It just brings on a certain amount of stress.. that I can’t explain.

For the past two years, maybe even longer, I can’t remember attending a family party at the beach that I’ve not been super drunk by the end of.  Typically I don’t remember the ride home (I never drive like this, of course!) and go to bed shortly after.. or sobering up and drinking some more if it’s early enough.

So of course, all morning I’m going back and forth in my head.. do I drink or do I not drink..  I proposed to Anthony on the way there that we stop and get a 6 pack of something and share it.  He usually will drink about 2 of something and that is it.

We picked up a 6 pack of hard orange pop.  This is like beer and isn’t as strong as wine.  We stayed for about 3 ½ hours and in that time I had about 3 bottles of the hard soda.  I didn’t really ever catch a buzz and was completely sober by the time we went home.  I was really proud that I could have driven home.. I even offered!  (He drives most everywhere, which is fine with me I play the music and play on my phone).

When we got home, I cleaned up a little, watered my plants and then we took Jules up to the dog park.  How nice it was to not get home and pass out!  I actually had a productive night and was not tempted to drink once I was home (plus I was pretty much out of everything).

SO, even though I failed and did drink, I think it was ok.  If I can go to a family party, sip on alcohol without getting drunk, then I can live with that!

Tonight is Monday.  I feel like I have a lot to do today.  I have professional development all day for the next 3 days.  I’m going to try to be really productive today.  My goal is to not drink tonight.

#recovery #soberliving #alchoholaddiction

Binge Drinking 7-31-16

I drank Thursday night, Friday night and Saturday night (it is now Sunday morning).  On Thursday, Susie and I went to see Uncle Ed.  He was having a very risky surgery the next day.  I stayed the night at her house Thursday night, so of course drinks were in order!

On Friday, she came to my house and we hung out at the pool all day.  Nervous about Uncle Ed’s surgery (it was scheduled in the afternoon, and would take hours, so we knew we had a long wait before finding out anything) we took the edge off by drinking.  I drank all day and into the night.

On Saturday, Anthony’s parents had their big family reunion party.  They are not big drinkers, so I was thinking I wouldn’t drink.  But others were drinking, so I drank Rasberry-ita’s and some wine also.

It is now Sunday and I think we are going to the beach to celebrate Suz’s birthday.  I can’t remember the last time I was at the beach and NOT drinking. However, I am thinking that this would be a good day to practice not drinking at the beach.  SO, I’m going to try to NOT wander down the wine aisle when I stop to get her a card on the way there.  IF I do pick up something to drink, I’m not going to beat myself up over it.  BUT I’m going to try to abstain and going to try to not think too hard about it.

I will write back tomorrow with the results of today..

Better Day 7-28-16

I did it!  I abstained last night!  It wasn’t even that hard, I just was focused on other things all night.  It felt really good.

While still a little gloomy when I got out of bed, this day, overall, has been a happier day.  Even with a couple emotional issues I’m dealing with, I would say that my outlook is more positive/happier than it has been.

The dentist appointment this morning was annoying. The hygenist reemed out Anthony for not brushing good enough (this is an ongoing problem).  We bought him an electric toothbrush and a water pik but for some reason he still can’t properly clean his teeth.  Its so bad he might have to have his braces taken off for 6 months to keep his teeth clean (and then put back on probably costing more $$$).  That plus an annoying situation last night has me just kind of fed up with him right now.

Uncle Ed is very sick and has been in the hospital for over a week.  Susie and I are going to see him later.  He is having surgery tomorrow morning, but only a 30-50% chance of his heart making it through.  I will probably stay the night at Susie’s tonight.

I would love to say I’m not going to drink tonight, but with what’s going on plus being with my sister, I will probably drink to excess.  I’m ok with it.  I’m hopeful that I will be able to have more abs days in the future days.  I just know that later is going to take a huge emotional toll.

I am happy that I was able to abstain last night and that I am having a better day today.  I’ve been eating pretty clean also, which probably is helping too.  I will write back, but I’m not sure when.  I have a busy few days coming up with some family parties.

When Getting Through the Day is a Struggle 7-27-16

I am depressed, clinically.  I should make an appointment with a therapist and talk about getting on some medication.

I haven’t stopped drinking this week.  I wonder how much that is playing into my depression.  I’m going to try an experiment.  I’m going to try to not drink tonight and see if I wake up a little happier and more motivated to get through my day.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I have no idea and why and no reason at all to be depressed.  I have an adoring husband who I think is one of the smartest men on earth, who loves his family more than life itself and has a pure & honest soul.  Case in point.. Milo has been sick this week.  Two nights ago, I was spoon feeding him canned food on OUR bed and even on HIS side.  He was laying right there with me, just happy like I was that Milo was eating.  I was so grateful during that moment that I was married to him.  I know some men would not be too happy about a wife spoon feeding a cat on their side of the bed!  I have two sons who are genuinly good hearted boys, who listen well (for the most part) and give me way more pleasure than stress.  I have choices, many many choices and I know that Anthony will support anything I try to do.  I love my house.. I have the perfect forever home and the pool that I’ve always wanted.  So WHY?

Is it that I want to stop drinking but I can’t?  I make the choice everynight to get that glass of wine.. or whatever it is I’m drinking.  I wake up with a general ill feeling, lack of energy, etc.  I maintained a hard workout program before while continuing to drink, but why can’t I start working out now?

It is kind of hard to get the energy to workout when you barely have the energy to get off the couch and take a shower.

I’m making a goal.  Right here and now:  To NOT drink tonight and to (at some point today) start working on Kenneth’s drink analysis worksheets.  I will blog tomorrow and record my mood.  I have to be in Livonia by 9 with both boys, but would LOVE to have the energy for a morning workout before having to leave. NOT sure that will happen, but who knows.

#depression #anxiety #addiction #recovery #thestruggleisreal #summer2016

Plodding Along 7-24-16

A month into summer and I’m not much better off than I was in May and June.

This past month has been crazy.  It started with our anniversary trip right after school got out.  The next week was up north for the 4th of July.  A week later was scout camp and then the following week was our family vacation.

It was all very fun, but now I feel a sense of relief… that I can focus on ME.

I realized that over the past couple of months.. while worried and aware of my drinking, I haven’t had more than two days in a row that are alcohol free.  The good news is that I haven’t had ANY withdrawal symptoms while not drinking. Not even the shakes.  I’m going to try to go for 3 days this week!  Baby steps, right?

I am feeling motivated.  I started reading Kenny’s (HAMS– the moderation group) book while on vacation.  I’m going to print and fill out the worksheets that will help me maintain control.  I want to feel better and also start a workout regimen this week. I’m going to try to eat well also.  I know I should be giving up dairy and gluten.. maybe I will try that this week– or maybe I will not worry so much about diet right now if I can abstain from alcohol.

Since I’m a huge fan of goals, and it is Sunday morning which is perfect for looking at the week ahead, I’m going to make a short goal list.  Here it goes:

1. Three or more abs days

2. Make a workout schedule and STICK to it

3. Work on cleaning up the spare room downstairs (it could be a GREAT workout room!)

I think 3 goals is a good start!  Additionally, I would like to do more meaningful activities with the boys.  Last summer we had meetings and set weekly goals. Because we have been so incredibly busy this past month we haven’t done any of that.  I need to get them reading/writing/etc.

Wish me luck with my goals and abstaining!  I’m guessing that by the end of the 3 days, I’m going to be feeling a lot better physically and mentally!

#addiction #recovery #moderation #limits #goalsetting #lifegoals