Mother’s Day and the Gift of Time

Sunday May 13, 2018 — Mother’s Day

Today is one of those bittersweet days.  It’s a day that I wake up remembering that I am missing my mom, but also feel grateful for my kids and family that is still here.

Life made a huge shift after my mom died.  I call it BD (before death) and AD (after death). It’s morbid, but it marks a change in every aspect of my life.

I underappreciated time with my kids BD.  In fact, I remember a handful of Mother’s Days when my kids were young that I went to visit my mom sans kids.   She would ask where the grandbabies were and I would tell her, “It’s Mother’s Day!  I’m taking the day off.”  I didn’t notice her disappointment, but was just happy to be able to hang out without them bugging me– or having to look after them.

This makes me so sad to think about AD.  If I could do it again, I would have brought them with me to see their grandma and spend time with her.  These are things that you can’t tell young people– sometimes it takes a loss to make you realize what you had and should have done.

I sometimes secretly wished I had another baby daddy BD.  I had some friends and family who were free of their kids every other weekend.  They were no longer with the baby daddy and the kids went to visit him every couple of weeks.  When my kids were little, there were times when I was so incredibly envious of them– all for getting a regular weekend break from their kids.  Date nights with hubby were scarce back then and having every other weekend free sounded freakin’ awesome!

My thoughts and feelings have done a 180 degree turnaround AD.  I am probably unhealthily attached to my kids.  Once in awhile a relative will ask to take them both for the weekend and I HATE IT.  I hate it when they’re gone for days at a time, especially both of them.  It’s not so bad when they’re gone to a friend’s house one at a time, but I despise an empty house and sometimes hate that we never had a 3rd.

One of my friends has 3 boys all between the ages of 8 and 12.  When I go to her busy house, it is SO chaotic.  She’s calm and collective, but can tell that she’s overwhelmed at times and I always just look at her green with envy.  I always say things like, “You’re so lucky and I wish my house was this busy.”  She must think I’m nuts.  But a 3rd just wasn’t in our cards, and I am grateful everyday for the 2 healthy ones that I do have.

I’m sure a part of the change of thinking has to do not so much with AD, but with my boys growing up and becoming independent.  These days they are self-sufficient and hubby and I can have a date night (or day) anytime we want.

So what does the perfect Mother’s Day entail today?  Time with the kids for sure.  I don’t care about presents or cards, but I’m going to ask them to go for a walk with me.  Hubby and I already have plans for a long bike ride (there’s been a cold/rainy spell here– so we haven’t rode in days).  Walk, bike ride, catch up on laundry– PERFECT day!

We’ll probably stop by my mother-in-laws later to visit.  BD I would send hubby and the kids and stay home to drink wine in the bathtub and make the excuse that I have paperwork for work to catch up on.  Now I will go, at least for a little while to be present and if I come home early it’ll be to get something productive done– or at least a walk with the dog to clear my head.

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!  May your day be happy and blessed ❤

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Grateful for every Sober Day

It is so incredibly easy to feel grateful on a day like today.  It is Sunday morning, warm enough to have coffee on deck (1st time of the season) and the sounds of birds chirping and singing are everywhere.

It’s nice to be able to relax after a day like yesterday.   I had to wake up early to make it to NCI (nonviolent crisis intervention) training by 8:00.  I wasn’t excited to go in on a Saturday– but the alternative was August so I’m very happy to have it out of the way.  The company was good and it was a small group, so we finished a few hours early– and had lots of good snacks/junk food to much on 😉   Since we finished so early and my boys were at a movie, I stopped at the grocery store on the way home for food for the week.  I was SO glad to have that out of the way!  I caught up on some cleaning and laundry when I got home–so it ended up being a totally productive Saturday.

I was exhausted Saturday night and in bed by 10:30.  I slept like a baby and was ready to get up before 8:00.  It was so nice to wake up with sounds of all the birds through the open window.  I am SO happy that the weather is finally warm!!!

Today is going to be a great day.  I’m planning on spending as much time as possible outside (it might storm later) and hoping for both a walk and a bike ride.


Recovery–

Today is day 44!  I like to celebrate every sober day.  I feel like it is a little bit of a tough time in the recovery world lately.  On my Facebook groups it seems like many people relapsed this weekend (Cinco de Mayo?)– or were struggling and trying hard to NOT relapse.

Sadly, there was a couple RIP posts– these are always so sad and scary to read about.  One was a fellow named Harry Cutter.  After reading about his death (related to a recent relapse) I listened to his Podcast on Shair.  Listening to him, it became obvious that this guy had his SH&% together!  In his recovery he became vegan and a marathon runner (2 things I am passionate about– well not exactly the marathon part– but I do love running) and also wrote a recovery book.  By all accounts, this guy was a success story.  I ordered his book from Amazon and am looking forward to reading it.  It is tragic yet real to read and listen to someone in recovery who was doing so well but ultimately died from this disease.  It’s a stark reminder of how serious addiction is and how I need to be grateful for every single day of sobriety.

As far as my recovery goes, I haven’t been to a meeting since January.  I listen to podcasts, connect with sober friends (online), read recovery books, work on my step work workbook and write.   While I don’t do ALL of these things daily, I do at least one of them (sometimes several) once or twice a day.  This is a very busy time at home and at work and some days I go to bed not knowing or thinking about what day I’m on and not having thought about drinking all day.

I am still putting steps 2 & 3 into practice when I notice myself struggling.  I intend to start working on step 4 next.  I know that this is a big step and is going to take time to work through.   I don’t have a sponsor– but do have a number of tools to help me (downloaded worksheets, a 12 step women’s book and workbook, Russell Brand’s step book) work though it.  I DO plan on finding a regular meeting to attend over the summer, getting to know people and finding a sponsor to help me go over these steps.  This is just work I’m doing in the meantime to help me stay sober during these last busy months of work.

I am looking forward to a fabulous sober Sunday– God willing.  It’s going to be a great week and the countdown ’till summer has officially begun!

Peace & Love ❤

* If you want to listen to Harry Cutter (AKA BD Nino) or read his book, check out the web addresses below (sorry, you may need to copy and paste):

http://theshairpodcast.com/49-7-habits-for-peaceful-sobriety-with-bd-nino/

https://www.amazon.com/Habits-Peaceful-Sobriety-addictions-reclaim/dp/1518712630/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1525612093&sr=8-3&keywords=7+habits+of+addiction

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life Stress and Not Drinking: Gratitude

May 1, 2018: Day 40

There was a time not too long ago when the smallest bit of unexpected and/or undesirable events caused me to double check my wine supply, making sure I had plenty for the night– because I intended on drinking until I passed out right into bed.

It didn’t stop there though– that’s pretty much how I spent every night– whether I was celebrating, relaxing, socializing– or stressing out.  I. Drank. Every. Night.  Until I passed out and most mornings I didn’t remember going to bed.

I have no idea how my body even kept up.  Some days I got through the day just by doing the minimum tasks possible.  Often times I was crabby with my kids and any additional life “things” caused extreme anxiety and stress.  My instinct, my quick fix was to get my chores done, and then DRINK.  It gave me energy and helped me forget about the things I was so anxious about.

I would wake up the next day vowing to stop, that day was going to be the day.  BUT, by 4-5 o’clock the craving was too strong to avoid.  If I was out of booze I would run to the store and stock up.  I would then do my chores before getting smashed.

I’m reflecting on these times because I’ve really realized these past two days is that I have come really far.

The past two weeks have brought on a lot of stress!  An injured dog.  A broken fridge (which happened to be newly stocked with food).  A teenager with more than one E.  Family issues that are severe but outside of my control. Four new students at work– one of which has been homeschooled for the past three years (since Pre-school– now in 2nd grade)– not ideal to throw her into a second grade classroom at the very end of a school year.  Numerous meetings and obligations outside of school that make for long days.

I felt so grateful this morning.  Grateful for getting through these long days without even thinking about drinking (no time, really..).  Well, honestly it’s Tuesday and I DID think about drinking over the weekend.  I’m not sure if it was the nice weather or accumulation of stressful situations during the week– or a combination of both. BUT– I didn’t drink and the urges have since subsided.  AND, I thoroughly enjoyed waking up late on Saturday morning after a good 10 hours of good sleep 🙂

I am much happier dealing with the stress of everyday life without the need to get numb, pass out every night and attempt to navigate each day with a major hangover– reeking of toxins.

I am so grateful for where I’m at today and hopeful that I have a bright future ahead of me ❤

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Step 3 Work: Made a Decision to Turn our Will and our Lives Over to the Care of God, as we Understood God

Practicing step 3 is like the opening of a door which to all appearances is still closed and locked.  All we need is a key and the decision to swing the door open.  There is only one key and it is called willingness. Once unlocked by willingness, the door opens almost of itself and looking through it, we shall see a pathway beside which is an inscription. It reads: This is the way to a faith that works”  — The Big Book

I agree with the following statements:

  • My understanding of my Higher Power is my own, and will be different than others.
  •  I understand that “God” represents my HP and may, or may not, be a religious icon.
  • I can agree to call my HP “God”, understanding that this makes it easier to communicate with others about my spirituality.

 

In what ways is God (HP) better able to handle the effects that alcohol has on my life?

God provides the spiritual guidance that helps me navigate life in a healthy, happy and pure way.  Alcohol is the devil that masks my life surrounding everything with a black shroud and causes anxiety, depression and isolation.

In order to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, this is what I do on a daily basis:

  • Talk to God
  • Ask God for guidance
  • Ask God for clarity

I can do the following on a daily basis to turn my will and my life over to the care of God:

  • Pray
  • Continue to ask for guidance and clarity
  • Ask God for strength during tough times
  • Have faith that my God will be there to give me strength when I’m feeling weak (have urges, cravings, self-pity, etc)

How turning my will and life over to the care of God has benefited me:

I have received signs which have helped me understand life and my journey.  By understanding my life course better, I am stronger and better able to live happily and fulfilled in sobriety, all without the stress and anxiety that living with an addiction causes.  These signs have helped me rely on God during times of need.  I look forward to continuing to strengthen my relationship with God.

My prayer turning over my will and my life to the care of God:

Dear God,

Lead me to the path of continued sobriety, Show me simple pure joy, Take my will and my life and Guide me in my recovery,

Amen.


 

I believe that this step will need continuous practice to fully utilize.  After writing out these initial thoughts, I feel relief.  Last week was a long and tough week with several things out of my control happening that added stress and made me sleep deprived– not a good combination!

By the time the weekend came, I was thinking about drinking way more than I’m comfortable with. For the first time in a while, I felt like I was white knuckling it.  After writing this morning (which happens to be a gorgeously sunny and peaceful Sunday morning!) I feel strong, grateful and highly motivated to continue this path.

Peace and Love ❤ ❤ ❤

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Sorry Betsy, Not Today!

This has been a really gross series of days– all since Friday.  By the end of the work day today, Betsy was whispering sweet nothings into my ear and filling me with empty promises.

After work on Friday, I picked up my dog from daycare.  As I was walking out, my dad called (which is kind of rare).   After asking what I’m doing, my dad starts talking about how his heart is back into arrhythmia and that he has to leave next week to see my uncle who is at a rehabilitation hospital in Colorado– but he got the ok to travel.

I HATE that his heart is back into arrhythmia.  We’ve been through this several times over the past year and a half.  He’s had to have his heart shocked back into rhythm a handful of times and has to be on blood thinners (awful meds that make you weak)so that he doesn’t get a blood clot.

And, I HATE that he has to go to Colorado.  He has asthma and has a hard time breathing because of the high altitude there.  As his older brother, he needs to go for my uncle–who is having a hard time dealing with life right now and needs him there (recovering from a traumatic brain injury after getting hit by a car in January).  I get it– but it doesn’t make me very happy– it gives me an overall uneasy feeling.

While he’s telling me all of this, I’m trying to get my dog into the car but he won’t jump in.  I try to pick him up and he cries and his legs are shaking.  “Crap!!” I’m thinking, “WTF happened???”  Nothing out of the ordinary, according to the daycare, so they help me get him into the car and I’m off wondering what is wrong with him.

The weekend is pretty much a big crapshoot.  The weather is nice and I got in a couple nice long bike rides, but that’s pretty much the best part.  The pup was not doing much better on Saturday with intermittent pain so I took him to the vet who gave him a pain injection.

Sunday was still iffy.  He wouldn’t walk up the stairs, but wanted to run around the backyard.  Meanwhile I had been reading about a horrible back disease that’s prevalent in beagles and can cause paralysis and/or even death.   So of course now I’m super anxious about him having this back disease.  I picked up some oral pain meds today (Monday) because he only seems slightly better.  I am praying that they do the trick and he recovers from this injury.

Hubby was sick Saturday night and most of the day on Sunday.  He was up several times Saturday night getting sick in the bathroom (attached to our bedroom), therefore I was woken up throughout the night.  Sunday was a gorgeous day and it’s a shame because he spent a majority of the day in the bathroom and couldn’t enjoy it.  I am still praying that the rest of us don’t get the bug!  I was worried about hubby’s health on Sunday as well as the dog.  I couldn’t wait to escape this crazy house– by Sunday night I was ready for the weekend to end!

Today (Monday) work was tedious.  I finally got help with my enormous caseload in the form of a substitute teacher who will be helping me Monday-Thursday.  This is GREAT, although it creates an extra amount of pressure and work.  I have to now plan my day, as well as hers.  She is a former special education and 4th grade general education teacher.  She knows many useful programs and is calm and sweet, yet firm.  Today, I was having her watch me with lessons and she interrupted quite a few times to tell me how she did certain things (like short vowel sound signs).

I love that she is experienced and passionate about teaching, but by this afternoon I was feeling snippy with all of her advice.  It wasn’t just about the lessons, she had advice about EVERYTHING.. including my dog’s painful episode.  Again, I am completely grateful for her help and have great respect for her personally and professionally.  My snippiness had more to do with the frustration from my personal life than with her.

My breaking point came at lunchtime.  My own kids’ report cards were posted online last week.  I hadn’t looked yet.  I always take report cards with a grain of salt.  My oldest gets A’s and B’s (mostly) and my youngest sometimes gets bad marks in the area of organization, works independently, things like that.  I was shocked when I saw 2 E’s on my oldest’s card and sick to my stomach.  Too much trust and freedom, and I was kicking myself for not checking his grades online periodically.

On the way home from work, Betsy was yapping her big mouth.  NOT today Besty, NOT today.  Your empty promises mean nothing to me, and I need to sort out all of this messiness with a clear mind and able body, knowing that my HP has my back.

Perhaps this is what step 2 is all about?

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My Puppy, My Heart <3

It is Saturday and I have horrible feelings of fear and dread.  It started after work yesterday.

I had dropped my dog, Jules off at daycare in the morning.   I usually take him once a week to keep him socialized and to get out excess energy.  I picked him up after work and everything was normal until we got to the car.  He refused to jump up into the car.  I went to pick him up and he winced and cried and his back legs were shaking.  I had no idea what was going on so I walked him back in to see if anything had happened while he was there.  The person supervising his room said that he had a great day and nothing out of the ordinary happened.  She proceeded to feel his abdomen and legs, but he was stoic and showed no sign of pain.   She helped me lift him into the car and I assumed that he just sprained or twisted something while playing.

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Jules smiling on the outdoor slide at daycare 
He jumped out of the car when we got home and it didn’t seem to bother him.  He was acting ok but wouldn’t come up the deck stairs (he went down them just fine) or jump up onto the couch.  His back seemed ok when I gently pressed it and he was still wagging his tail so I was hoping that it wasn’t a spinal injury.  I messaged my friend who is a vet who said she could see him today if he is still painful.

By the time we went to bed he seemed to be getting around better.  He walked up the deck stairs after going potty and that made me feel much better.  This morning when we woke up, he also seemed ok.  Cried a little when he got up but came up the deck stairs ok.

Our neighbor stopped by and when she knocked Jules got up and started barking but getting up suddenly hurt him and he started crying.  Something is wrong.

He has an appointment to see a vet at 2:15 but I am so anxious.  I consulted Dr. Google and beagles are predisposed to Intervertebral Disc Disease– which can affect dogs as young as 3 and can result in paralysis and death.

Jules is my heart dog.  We got him in 2014– the worst year of my life so far.  In May 2014 we lost our 13 year old boxer.  We intended on waiting awhile (like a year) to get another dog– although I was continuously looking on petfinder because not having a dog created a huge void in our house.   In July 2014, I lost my mom suddenly.  On the morning that she died, I looked at hubby and said, “I need to get a puppy.”  He understood.

We found Jules’ litter through a rescue, but had to choose which puppy without meeting him.  There was only a couple of puppies left who didn’t have homes yet.  We picked Jules because they said that he was a laid back puppy, liked to play but also liked to be lazy– which seemed to be a perfect fit for our relaxed family. His personality did not disappoint– he was exactly what they described.

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Jules as a puppy
My mom died early in the summer, so there was several weeks that I was out of work after she passed.  Having to take care of such a young puppy helped me navigate through those early weeks of grief, especially with so much unstructured time.  Meanwhile, Jules and I were creating a bond like no other dog that I’ve had before.  I’ve always felt a strong emotional bond with him and often wonder if it was because he was so young and impressionable while I was so sad and vulnerable.  He is truly my heart dog, sent from the heavens.

Now at almost 4 years old, he is my best friend.  He is always up for going on a run/walk with me, even at 5am or is happy just cuddling with me under a blanket on the couch with a good movie.  When I’m at home he is always by my side.

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No matter what he’s doing, Jules is often a source of entertainment in our household
Now I feel so scared and anxious.  I’ve often dreaded him getting into teenage years and having to say goodbye and how completely awful it’s going to be and kind of symbolic given the timing of when I got him.  NOW he could have something as awful as IVVD at age 3?  What if I lose him at 4 or 5?

Ok– enough dread and worry.  I don’t think normal people worry this much about every ache and pain their dog has– but then again I’ve never been normal.

I will take deep breaths and deal with whatever God is going to give me.

His appointment is in an hour.  Hopefully I will feel better afterwards and some of this anxiety will go away.

On a happier note, today is Day 30 for me!  I have barely thought about it and am not enjoying it much, but I am happy to report that this extra stress is not triggering me so far– and hopefully that continues.

Happy Saturday everyone ❤

**Update**  Vet visit went well!  His back checked out ok and his reflexes were good!  The doctor thinks that it was a sprain or strain and gave him an injection of Rimadyl.  He will prescribe orals if it doesn’t improve.  I am so relieved and hoping for the best!!!!

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Mood: Completely Pissy, Compassion thrown out the Window

I consider myself an overly compassionate person.

When I was sweeping the kitchen today, I noticed that I accidently swept a tiny ant into my dust pile.  I left the pile alone so the ant could carry on his business.

I do not kill bugs and I do not eat animals.

When someone I know is hurting, I hurt too.  I feel so sad for them that sometimes the ache in my heart lasts all day.

Today it all went out the window and someone (who probably could use some compassion) made me feel rage with anger.  

Hubby’s sister has caused many problems in the family for several years.  Now she is finally leaving her husband (who is a pill popper, can’t hold a job/support the family, we believe is abusive, etc).  And she’s staying at this guy friend’s house, with internet and without her kids.  So she is overly posting on Facebook poor me stats and other things that are making the rest of the family look really bad (see how evil Facebook really is??? Seriously!!).

But you don’t see posts about the heirloom jewelry stolen from her mom’s drawer, or how her parents were behind her 100% when she was in rehab and ready to leave her husband who was in prison for stealing a donation jar (I think it was a few that he swiped..), or the priceless coin collection she took from her great aunt while working at her house for money (well, she or her husband took it– or it was a group effort).  She’s had a whole bunch of chances and just keeps screwing over family members all while sticking with her sick husband.

Back to this weekend.  My hubby decides to take her son (our nephew) who is about the same age as our oldest on a scout trip this weekend.  This is great because as the oldest of three, this nephew pretty much runs the household and has far more responsibility than a teenager should.   He’s been close to our son and us his whole life, I used to babysit him when he was little on my summers off.  Despite all of the hardships at home that he’s endured over the past 10 or so years, he really has turned out to be a great kid.  He’s gone on scout trips with us before, he gets along with all of the other boys and always has a great time so he was super excited to go with them this weekend.

The only downside is that they live almost 2 hours from us.  So hubby went out of his way Friday night to pick him up– knowing that he wouldn’t be home until 9 or 10 pm.  His sister suggested that hubby swings by that guy’s house that she’s staying at to visit her and he agrees thinking that he’ll buy her dinner and catch up and have a nice visit.

He picks up our nephew (who is living with his dad) and goes to see his sister.  Random guy friend answers the door half dressed and informs him that she is at a friend’s house.  Hubby is invited in and goes and waits for 15-20 minutes, messaging his sister but getting no replies (granted, she’s the one that wanted him to stop by and she knew what time and he arrived ON time).  He is completely blown off.

The next thing that makes me mad is 100% in my head.  The boys stay the night at Fort Wayne in Detroit.  When hubby goes on scout trips, he usually texts me before bed saying goodnight and stuff.  I didn’t hear a word from him all night or in the morning.

I started to panic thinking that something happened at his sister or her husband’s house with them or one of the kids (they have two little ones besides my nephew).  What if he had to drive out there? What if there is an emergency?  Wouldn’t be the first time and since we have my nephew they would call us first so he could go back and take care of things.  All. Of. This. Anxiety.  ALL because of the drama seems to happen when we have our nephew and have to see them.

This is all really stupid because it’s just unnecessary anxiety in my head. In reality, when hubby got to the Fort he accidentally connected to the Canadian cell phone towers and wasn’t able to disconnect or didn’t bother to try.  So he wasn’t using his phone to call or text.  Stupid anxiety!

I usually feel sorry for his sister and her situation.  But today all I felt was anger.  Anger that she puts herself first, always.  Even in front of her kids, her needs always come first.  Anger that her parents tried so hard to help her and she was doing so good but then went back to a bad guy and a life with drugs.

Do you know how much I would give to have two parents to hold my hand during the scariest parts of my addiction?

So.. I’m already feeling these negative feelings today and the boys get home; hubby, son and nephew.  Hubby sticks around to do taxes while the boys hang out– he’s putting off taking nephew home for a little while.  Hours later, he starts to get ready and realizes that his wedding ring is missing.  We searched the house and we had the boys search the house, and the sleeping bags, and the cots and the car.  It disappeared.  I don’t know how— it’s always put neatly in the same place on the counter.

Hubby left to take nephew home 2 hours away in the freezing rain.  The weather is horrible, the ring is still missing and I am missing the compassion that normally fills my heart.

On top of all of that, I think this is probably one of the worst posts on this blog.  Maybe I’ll delete it– I don’t know.  I just know that I needed to get some of the negative energy out of me.  And I’m glad I did!  I feel lighter and happier.

I hope you all are having a more positive Sunday with some nice weather!

Positive vibes appreciated ❤ ❤ ❤

 

 

 

Step 2 Work: A Power Greater than Ourselves Could Restore us to Sanity

Step 2:  We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

My belief statements:

  • I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable
  • Alcohol has caused a decline in my mental health and sanity
  • Alcohol is a bigger problem than I can handle on my own
  • I accept that I am unable to restore my mental health and sanity without the assistance of something or someone more than I have experienced before
  • I accept that a power greater than myself is best able to assist in the restoration of my mental health and sanity

Why is a higher power needed?  A higher power is needed to restore my sanity and take away alcohol because I am just an imperfect and lost speck in the world and can’t do this on my own.  I have faith that my HP will help me get through the tough times and help me find my way to health, sanity and sobriety.  

How the possibility that a Higher Power can restore my sanity makes me feel: Loving, grateful, hopeful, humble, joyous, compassionate, passionate, wanting and remorseful.  

Reservations I have about a Higher Power’s ability to restore my sanity and take away alcohol:  My reservations include being able to access MY Higher Power when I am tempted or have strong urges/cravings.  These strong urges/cravings seem to take over my brain/thinking when they come up.  I need to know how and to be able to reach out to my Higher Power during these times when I so desperately need help.  

Attributes and characteristics my Higher Power must possess to restore my sanity and take away alcohol: Unconditional love, acceptance, strength, guidance and forgiveness.

My statement of understanding about my belief that a power greater than myself can restore my sanity and take away alcohol:  I will rely on my Higher Power for unconditional love, acceptance, strength and guidance to get me through the good and bad times and to help me stay sober.  

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I feel like I have more to practice and learn with this step.  That’s ok, I have the rest of my life ❤

Lazy Rainy Saturday

What a week!

The week back to work and school was a good one.   We had some small hiccups– like my oldest possibly having strep so I took Monday afternoon off to take him to the doctor.   He has type 1 Diabetes, so I’m a little more cautious and proactive with his health.  No strep 🙂

The youngest didn’t feel well on Tuesday so hubby stayed home with him.  The rest of the week was normal.

This is what I accomplished this week:

  • Woke up an hour early on Mon-Wed-Fri to walk/run
  • Took a 6, 8 then 7 mile bike ride on Wed-Thurs-Fri
  • Assessed all students on their IEP goals
  • Completed and submitted amendments for students who will get summer tutoring
  • Completed report cards
  • Completed March Medicaid paperwork
  • Did some online shopping, pretty much set for spring clothes

I didn’t do any housework during the week except keeping up on the basics, laundry, dishes (boys do this), etc.  Today will be a mixture of being lazy, cleaning up a bit and some self-care (hair, nails, doing something fun with my youngest).

The rain is really coming down and it is nasty out!  Much better than snow though, some parts of the country are getting like 2 feet today — yuck!!!

I completed the step 2 worksheet, which is all about the higher power (HP BABY!!!  GOSH, I TOTALLY COMPLETELY HATE HATE THAT SAYING I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHY!!!).  Doing the worksheet was productive, but for me there’s something missing.  I need to continue to work on step 2 a bit.  I love my higher power and the idea of Him– but I’m not 100% confident that I know how to access my HP when Betsy talks me into a drink.  I mean, I’m not planning on drinking.  I haven’t had any urges or cravings lately, but know that eventually they will come.  If Betsy starts to win the argument in my head (this has happened before), I don’t know how to use my HP to stop the thoughts in my head.  Maybe it’s just 100% faith and that’s what I’m not getting.  I don’t know…  maybe I’m overthinking.  I just know that after step 1, I was totally confident that I knew that step from front to back, every square inch and agreed with it completely no questions no nonsense and this one feels different.   I will post my step 2 work sometime this weekend and plan on adding to it as I get smarter about it.

Today is day 23 & I feel really great physically, mentally and spiritually.  I woke up this morning with body aches from working out a lot these past couple of days but those are good aches. I HAVE to make sure that I don’t forget the cost of a night of drinking — or a drink or two at dinner with a friend.  It will not be a one time thing and if I get back into that groove of nightly drinking, I may not make it out.

Anyways, I really should get off the couch and get moving.  Or at the very least turn off my computer, grab a blanket and put on a good movie.

Happy Saturday ❤

Perfection is a Mirage

If you know me at all, you know that I have a love/hate relationship with social media– Facebook in particular.

I will tell you why.  I’m looking at my facebook page.  The first thing I see is a bunch of great pics.  Me & hubby tan and happy on a beach with our floppy hats, happy kids playing a board game, me with various groups of friends/family posing for a pic.  Geez it looks like I have an awesome life with a group of fun everywhere I go.

The few pics of my kids that come up are them actually getting along, smiling and happy (I do have various pics of at least one of them in tears, but you don’t see that).

A dog training session comes up and it looks as though we have a well trained dog, but you don’t see his obnoxious traits that sometimes drive us bonkers.

You see a pic of my kids with the Easter bunny and the caption “The first and probably last pic of them with the Easter bunny.”    What the caption should really say is, “I had to bribe my kids with ice cream so that I could have at least one picture of them with the Easter bunny in my album.”

You don’t see any of the tears, the arguments, the mom yelling feeling as though she’s about to go off the deep end.

And when I look at other people’s Facebook page, envy transpires.  If only I had hair that long and thick, if only I had straight teeth like hers, if only I looked that thin.. and the list goes on.

Why don’t my kids like sports like other kids?  Why can’t I afford a house that big?  Why can’t we go on a cruise?   The list still goes on.

I try to not be jealous, but sometimes it’s hard.  When I’m feeling like I’m in an unhappy place, it’s easy to say “if only ________.”

Newsflash– I could have all of those things, and would still feel unhappy sometimes.  It’s not THINGS that make us happy.  It’s not the perfect body shell, because you know what?  Even if I did have that hair, those teeth and that body, there would still be things I want to change about my looks.

What if our happiness has nothing to do with our outside and everything to do with what’s inside?

As I clean up the inside of my “house” I am realizing how much junk on the inside can affect you– and it’s not in a good way.

But if my life was perfect…

What IS the perfect life?   Beauty? (sorry, but if that was my self worth I would be desperately afraid of losing it– totally not worth it), Money? (The famous line, “You’re a slave to money and then you die” comes to mind), Success? (What is success anyways?  If I was a professional dog walker and totally happy with my job and my small home and meager car, but feeling fulfilled-wouldn’t I be considered successful?  Or does it require a large salary and/or college degree– or world recognition?  No one knows..).

So this idea of perfection, it’s just an idea and isn’t even anything tangible.  Thinking and wanting will do nothing but make you sad and unhappy.  We must take social media with a grain of salt and realize that we are not seeing the whole picture.

So yeah, I will continue to love and hate FB until I can master this skill.

Anyways, it is Wednesday and sober day 20 for me.  Things are going very well and I have a general feeling of happiness throughout the day and have been sleeping exceptionally well.  I’ve been exercising daily (walking/running or bike riding), but my eating is still out of control.  I’m just not touching that right now.

This week’s early morning walk/runs have been exciting.

On Monday I was met with 2 sets of eyes glowing in my head lamp light in the otherwise pitch black early morning air.  They were coming closer and too short to be deer, more like dog height.  Coyotes!  There are many around here and they seem to travel in pairs.  I backed off toward the street until I realized they were leashed and attached to an owner.  Even though they were just dogs, my adrenaline was pumping the rest of the trip.

Today, I spotted a set of eyes two doors down from my house.  I thought I was being paranoid and that it was a reflection off the mailbox– but as I started to get closer they moved, then I saw about 3 other sets of eyes.  It was a group of deer, which didn’t scare me too bad but still kind of put me on edge for the rest of the walk.

Weekends have been exciting also.  Last weekend we went up to Bay City and had a great time.  I really realized that I actually have more fun up there when I’m sober and coherent.  Plus, Debbie and I felt good enough to hike the next day (never would have happened with a hangover!).

This weekend coming up, hubby and the oldest will be gone on a scout trip.  I’m looking forward to a low key weekend with my little that involves some cleaning, catching up on house chores, maybe putt putt and a bed party with movies and popcorn and m&m’s.

So that’s that, life is simple but oh so good!!  ❤ ❤ ❤