The Devil Drinks Vodka

Day 362

Hey there, do you see all this nonsense? Life is crazy today, can’t you see? Everyone is just trying to act normal, yet no one seems to know what that means during these times. I’m stuck at home with the ones I love, trying hard not to ring their neck. I’m not used to being around these people all day– who are they?? Or better yet, WHO am I?? Oh I don’t know, I thought I knew but I haven’t seen her since around Friday the 13th.

I know how to make a life happy– it has a lot to do with being grateful and not trying to control fate– letting it all go. I spent the past few years studying this and thought I was nearing expert level, but this test has made me realize how far yet I have to go- how flawed I really am.

I don’t mean that in a bad way, we’re all flawed in some ways. I have character defects and so do you, that I know is the truest of the true.

I don’t have work obligations right now, that should make me happy. It’s cold and nasty outside but I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, that should make me happy. I have all day to write and work out, that should make me happy. The little stresses that were so bothersome a couple weeks ago (remember my Colleen and Nancy rant…), well I don’t have to worry about any of those little stresses, and that should make me very happy! But no, I am not happy at all!!

I miss getting up before dawn to run the streets with my doggo. I miss seeing my friends at work every day. I miss working with kids at school and I HATE that I don’t know when we are going back. I miss people being friendly and not wearing masks while out. I miss the basic freedoms that we have now had taken away. I know it’s for a good cause, but it makes me so anxious and unsure, which affects my whole mood and attitude for the day.

OK, this is turning into a big giant crybaby rant. That’s ok, I’m way overdue for a good cry. Maybe tonight will be my night. Maybe once I cry I can start to move forward. I need to make a schedule and stick to it. Making a schedule and being productive is SO hard when you feel like you have a hundred bricks stacked all over you. This is what depression feels like, it can literally hurt to move. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get out of this funk while I’m out of work. It’s going to be hard because nothing seems right right now. I can’t focus on anything.

Today is day 362!!! Woohoo!!! Now there’s a ginormous blessing <3

I’m Starting to Lose my SH**

Monday March 16, 2020

You know on the bachelor and bachelorette when certain contestants clearly begin to lose it? It’s hard to relate, what did they expect anyway? They knew what they were getting into, right? I mean, they don’t have phones or tv, but they are at a beautiful mansion with unlimited access to a pool, hot tub, game room, you name it! How could anyone be miserable?

I feel like I’m going through something similar. I don’t live in a spectacular house, of course, but I am feeling trapped lately, despite the newfound freedom of no work.

Tomorrow is my birthday and by all accounts I should be ecstatic. I get to sleep in. I get to take my dog to my favorite park with tons of trails by the river. My entire family will be home all day long and can spend their time celebrating *ME* It’s going to be great, right?! Nothing but newfound freedom on my special day, except that I should stay away from strange people.

That freedom has not been a blessing. Already, I miss my kids and I miss my routine. I had a standing date with the pavement at 5am every Monday morning, and I missed it today. Everything has changed in an instant and it is making me uncomfortable. I’m leerie of the government and underlying motives. I have some theories that won’t leave my head and it’s about time I evict them.

Today is day 355 of no alcohol. I am so incredibly grateful for this, I couldn’t imagine being a drinker and going through this, it would make everything worse, especially the wake-ups when you realize that not all is right. I am so grateful to be so close to a year, otherwise I may have already pushed the F it button.

One thing is clear. I need to get out of my head and into action. Instead of stewing and focusing on what’s not right, I am going to:

reach out to my families today
write each student a letter and mail it tomorrow
start the Dyer book with my kids
get something done in the den downstairs (goal for today is to list the sewing table for free, move the buffet and clean up that corner)
run outside when it’s warm and sunny and appreciate running in the sun instead of 5 am darkness
eat nutritious meals
spend time preparing the produce I bought/meal prepping
Do the L & L book
Meditate
Consciously give it all to God, to the Universe, as many times as I need to throughout the day
Say yes, if I get called to volunteer

I think that’s good to start with <3

That Virus and the Strangest Friday the 13th Ever

March 14, 2020

The last time I wrote was on Wednesday, March 11th and things were just starting to get crazy with the first cases of the Coronavirus found in Michigan.

Thursday was a fairly normal day at school, minus the field trip and Mystery reader cancellations, on top of all of the after school activities. These were all cancelled until further notice. This was a big bummer for everyone.

I was feeling pretty cruddy on Thursday night and the school closings were multiplying. I was anxious, wondering if we would have school on Friday. Our governor had an address planned at 11pm, but I was way too exhausted to stay up for it. I stirred when hubby came to bed and he thought I was still awake. He told me that our governor closed all schools for three weeks. I was shocked, this has never ever happened before, and I had so many questions. I opened my email and saw a couple from our administration. The governor’s orders begin on Monday March 16th, but most schools weren’t waiting until then to close. My district closed for students on Friday, but staff still had to report. While the governor closed schools for 3 weeks, both me and my kids’ districts have spring break when we are scheduled to come back. Therefore, assuming the schools don’t move the planned break, our kids will be home for 4 weeks.

It took me a long time to get to sleep after that. I had so many thoughts and emotions running through my head. And I was worried, about everything. On Tuesday I had just participated in an IEP meeting for my most challenging student whose parents expressed how difficult the holiday break was for her. To have 2 weeks at home, unstructured was extremely tough and it had taken her a long time after the break to get back into the school routine. She would now be home for a month now, possibly longer if this virus doesn’t subside. Many of my students at school, including this one, want and need the routine of school. We had two snow days a couple weeks ago, and several of my students stated that they weren’t happy to be home for two days. Schools closing for a month is a very extreme thing.

On Friday morning, I woke up my son and nephew who are both juniors in high school and told them what was going on. They were both shocked, but pretty happy about the school closure. Their district had the students go on Friday, so they at least could say goodbye and have that closure that students in my district didn’t get. I dropped them off and headed to work, no one even batting an eye that it was Friday the 13th.

I had sad feelings going into work. I was anxious to hear what our administration would say. Since I have to drop the boys off before high school start time, I usually arrive at work way early. The lot was empty when I got there, more empty than usual and the air felt heavy and dismal.

Seeing and talking to coworkers, especially those few I consider good friends, helped so much. No one has been through this in history, not in modern times anyway, but we all had similar feelings and emotions. We were all feeling sad and heavy, not unlike the feelings that arose after 9/11.

We all gathered in the library for a staff meeting. For once, everyone was silent. Dozens of questions were asked, but none had a definite answer. My principal told us that he had an administrator meeting that morning and would hopefully get some more information.

There wasn’t anything to do while he was gone except wait. I could have worked on work, but I couldn’t focus. The school seemed way too quiet and empty. Liz and I were hanging out in my room. Todd and Shellie came in and it turned into a fun pow wow. My building has seemed so tense this past month with a lot of bickering staff. The entire day seemed to help us all remember why we do what we do and to not worry about the petty stuff.

We got an email that we had to go to a special ed meeting at 1:00 and then back to our building for a meeting at 2:00. We got a little more information as to what will be expected of us these next few weeks, but still so many unanswered questions.

Setting all circumstances aside, Friday was a really fun day with a lot of socialization and laughter. That was all needed, especially on a day like yesterday.

It isn’t easy to understand the magnitude of this– I can’t even wrap my head around it. What about all of the kids at home alone while their parents are at work? How about all of the places that are on pause, or shutting down, what about the employees who will lose pay?

I hate to admit this and think it sounds really irresponsible, but I haven’t even been to a store yet. We are running low on bread and a couple of other things, so I should probably venture out today. I told hubby last night I’m not sure I can emotionally handle seeing empty shelves right now. I have no idea how stocked the stores are around me, I am planning on making a few stops today to find essentials like bread and water. The bottled water I need is for my coffee maker, so if I can’t find any, we will survive without coffee.

I’ve been trying like hell to find a few hours to carve into stone time to write each week. I think I may have even asked the Universe for the gift of time last week. I will be spending these next few weeks writing as much as I can. Not saying this is my fault, but I am saying that I will try to focus on the blessings. I also am looking forward to spending some quality time with my kids, but acknowledge that I will be more than ready to go back in April.

I’m visualizing the day we return in April. Everyone will be so happy to be back to normal. Teachers will be in a good mood and kids will be ecstatic to be back. There will be lots of laughs! It will be springtime and the air will be light. We will be grateful that our government took extra precautions and prevented much sickness from spreading <3

That Virus

The Coronavirus and I have a long history. Oh wait, it’s the Parvovirus, another k9 disease that I have a long history with. I’ve had two different types of doctors tell me, 5 years apart, that I have the Parvovirus and that it is causing me arthritic symptoms. That’s a story for another time.

To me, the two viruses will always be related, because they remind me of the old days when I worked at a veterinary clinic. All the dog vaccines are related. Often times, I would be going over vaccines with a client telling them about the Coronavirus and Lyme vaccine, amongst others. Inevitably, the occasional client would joke and say something like, “Sure, I’ll have a Corona with Lyme!” Ahhhhh, those were the days! It was laughable, just like the many long Saturday moments I would spend hungover in the x-ray developing room, which was small, dark and warm– taking a short doze. I digress..

I stopped to pick up medicine for Jules the other night. I take him to the vet I used to work at. My old boss, Marianne, was at the front desk. We chatted, and the topic of this new virus came out. She said how they are feeling it– with a shortage of certain medical supplies. We kind of laughed at the oddity of the name of this virus and how it is no longer standard practice to vaccinate for it.

Since then, two cases have been reported in our state and things have gotten really serious. My department was meeting with our director this morning and the superintendent called her out for a minute. She was asked to be on a conference call with the state regarding the virus. And then emails, a few lengthy ones that I still need to read more thoroughly, about a huge range of items including information about providing a free and appropriate education in the event of a closure. After an address given by our governor, schools decided to cancel upcoming after school activities and events. This is all very big.

Up until today, I wasn’t even thinking of stockpiling. I ran out tonight and stopped at Walgreens to buy a thermometer and a few other things. Thermometers were slim picking! They had very little to choose from, most kinds were sold out.

In line, the guy who came up behind me was buying a lot of TP. Then the guy who came up behind him was buying a lot of TP. Then they started talking about how they were buying TP. And how Costco was out and how the news had two people fighting over some. By then I had paid but was considering going back to get me some of that TP!

I heard 3 customers ask for hand sanitizer, which was met with a no. The woman in front of me was buying a ton of cleaning products and soap.

I really don’t think I’ve ever been through anything like this. Maybe that huge power outage back in 2003 that lasted a few days, but I don’t remember it being this hyped up and crazy. Then again, we had no power or no smart phones back then, or even car radio stations. No media influence. I vaguely remember stores being out of water.

I read today, and have no idea about the validity, that Italy is in an awful state. The things I read were awful.

Prayers and well wishes to anyone who needs it <3

Day 347: The Truths

I am SO excited to be coming up on a year with no alcohol! I never thought this would be possible, I’ve dreamt about it, but certainly had my doubts.

I’ve been compiling a list of truths. It isn’t enough to read and understand them though, you must truly believe them to be true in your heart. If you don’t know how to do that, I would recommend that you start with the book, The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz.

I believe that the principles in this book laid the foundations for many of these truths I have come to believe. Knowing these truths, writing about them and applying real life situations to them (especially the tough stuff) has really helped me to detach from certain things in life that have been making me miserable. Here’s what I came up with so far:

1. You don’t have to like your relatives

2. Your ego can be your biggest enemy

3. Investing time in routines/rituals makes you happy, impulse actions & buys seem to make you happy, but really do not

4. Peoples opinions of you are none of your business

5. Other people’s actions can always threaten your happiness, but only if you let them

6. Boundaries are the #1 important self care action

7. We must face our fears to achieve real happiness

8. People’s actions, views & opinions (even of you) are 100% to do with them & 0% to do with you

9. I can live happily eating ‘mostly’ vegan. Like most things in life it’s not an all or nothing approach. I am at peace with this (and eating always vegetarian)

10. 80% of your body is made in the kitchen

11. Alcohol- or our addictive voices- lies

12. Two emotions drive us- fear & love. When you can identify which one is motivating you, you have discovered a secret power.

13. You have the power to create your own heaven or hell on earth.

14. People will rise or fall to your expectations- including you with your own expectations.

15. When an old door closes, a new one opens up

16. You don’t have to be a perfect parent, just show up. The #1 important thing.

17. It is far better to be the person who gets eye rolls than the one who gives them.

18. Get to bed early, get up early & eat the cake!

19. A miracle is a shift in perception

20. When people are angry, irritated, or annoyed at you, it’s a reflection of them, not you.

21. Don’t get too hung up on opinions. After all, they can do a 180 turnaround in an instant

22. Strive for a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing

23. Real security is knowing there is no security

I would love to hear feedback on any of this. Did any of these resonate with you? Do you disagree with any of these? Do you have any truths that you would add to this list?

It is Sunday and going to be about 60 degrees today. I’ve been feeling so upbeat with the approaching spring and the mild weather we’ve been having. Although it’ll be tough to get up tomorrow with the time change, I’m so excited for it to be light out so much later.

This is an exciting month. Tomorrow is my 1 year anniversary of not eating meat. Honestly, I will probably never eat it again. There are way too many meat substitutes that taste just as good or better, and there is just nothing appealing about meat to me. I’m very happy about this! Last year on this day, my great nephew was born. I was at the hospital with my sister and we got subway. Out of convenience I got a chicken sub and just remember how gross it seemed and that was the last of it. So March 9th was my day one 🙂

March 17th is my birthday. It’s not so exciting anymore, but I am grateful for another year and have been pretty healthy, I’m very grateful for that as well.

March 27th is my oldest’s birthday, he will be 17! I can’t even believe it. He is having a party at our house with a lot of friends. I’m grateful that he has made some great friends since moving here. I’m not so much looking forward to having all those adult sized teenagers over for the night, but thankful that they are good kids who want to have a Smash tournament at home, instead of going out and getting into trouble.

Last year on his birthday was one of the best nights of my life. I drank WAY too much and ran out of whatever my drink of choice was, but had to keep drinking so I drank everything in the house. I woke up in a puddle of piss around 3am. The guilt and shame I experienced helped get me to where I am today. Whenever my mind starts to romanticize booze, I think of that night and how I felt the entire next day. So yeah, it was horrible at the time, but was a huge blessing.

March 28th will be my 1 year anniversary <3

And of course, March marks the beginning of spring, which is always makes me feel elated. Even if we are having cold or snowy weather, it’s not so bad knowing that it will melt soon.

Speaking of which, it’s getting later and warmer out. I had better get out there and get my workout in before I lose my motivation. Have a great Sunday and thank you for reading <3

Day 333

Such a magical triple three’s day! The sun is shining brightly & I am looking forward to a visit to the nail salon and then a (hopefully warm) jog in the sun.

I’ve been reflecting a lot and wondering where my happiness went. I put too much of it into other people. The actions of others can cost us our happiness, but only if we let them.

I had to squash that. I had to realize that not everyone around me is going to act to my standards. They might even do things that put them in danger, or things that are illegal.

Quitting Drinking- What a Wild Ride!

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately, I mean A LOT. At the end of next month, I will be one whole year alcohol free! Considering the 1st time I consciously stopped drinking as an adult (except for pregnancies) was February 2017, you could say this year long achievement has been 3 years in the making.

Several weeks ago, I went through a period in which my alcoholic voice (Betsy) was testing me. I had thoughts such as, “Maybe I should drink after I get to a year.” Or “What’s the big deal, I made it a year, I won’t get back into that cycle.”

I know this is garbage, all complete bullshit. Orchestrated by that conniving Betsy, taking advantage of every vulnerable moment. I hadn’t heard from her in quite a while though, almost forgot about her.

Today is the last day of our mid-winter break. Mid winter break reminds me of a bad memory, from mid winter break in 2019 or 2018, I think 2018 but the memory is so fresh I always think it was just last year. It was the Monday of the break, and I woke up planning on being productive. It was during a period that I was sober most of the time, but was drinking every 10 days or so. While cleaning up, I decided to finish off the box of wine that was in my garage. There wasn’t much left, I figured enough for a little buzz and then I’d be done. That didn’t happen. I was pretty buzzed but wanted more. I drove myself to the store and got another box, hoping the cashier couldn’t see that I was buzzed, I’m not even sure why I cared. I continued to drink and ended up passing out before my hubby got home from work.

I HATE day drinking. I hated it then and I hate it now. Nothing about it is good– no matter how much Betsy tried or tries to convince me otherwise.

This memory is powerful. All of the bad ones are.

On a day like today, I can be so completely grateful that it no longer has a tight grip around my neck. Thank you bad memories!

The trip to Florida a couple weeks ago left much to be desired, but it contained an important lesson on how I never want to live my life again. Quite perfect as Betsy is trying to derail me after a year’s achievement.

Today is Day 328. 328 days ago I had woken up at 3:00 am in a puddle of piss, wondering if my heated mattress pad was ruined. I was mortified wondering if hubby’s side was still dry, thinking that there was no way he didn’t know. I cleaned up what I could and went to the couch, to try to get back to sleep.

Work was just awful. I was exhausted, physically feeling ill and shaky from the poison I ingested the night before, which happened to be my son’s 16th birthday. I had showered, but still felt like I smelled like urine. I was full of shame. I wondered if my husband would leave me, and when he texted me a vague text in the afternoon, I wondered if the underlying tone was “You’re no good, I do not want to be with you anymore.” I couldn’t fathom him still wanting to be with me. I was full of guilt. I knew I was an awful mom and that what I was doing was not alright.

While this was an extreme day, I often used to go to work with a pretty massive hangover, or at the very least a looming headache (nearly every single day for years). I would wake up swearing that I wasn’t going to drink, but all that would be forgotten in the evening when the dreaded wine witch called. “How could I ever live without this?” I would think and honestly not have any idea how that was even fathomable.

That’s addiction. It turns your brain against you. It makes you think false thoughts. It makes you think that without the substance, you will suffer greatly.

Funny thing is that without that substance, alcohol, I got happy. I spent years questioning my drinking. As a teacher in Michigan, I spend my entire summer in the water or at the beach. I put off quitting drinking for a long time, because I knew that there was no way possible I’d ever want to spend the summer sans alcohol. So why quit at all? I find it so ironic that the best summer of my life was 2019, and coincidentally the first summer that included zero drinking. So, if you’re reading this and want to quit drinking but have been putting it off, please take my experience into consideration.

Don’t get me wrong, I need to work hard to keep myself happy. During the summer, most nights I went to bed early and rose early most days. I read and wrote just about everyday. I stayed active, walking, running and riding my bike. I gardened and worked around the house. I played with the kids and relaxed in the pool with a book and sparkling water. A far cry from the drinking summers that left me exhausted and depressed without the structure of school.

The biggest gift these past few years have given me is gratitude. I am so incredibly grateful to be where I’m at mentally, physically and spiritually. I am grateful for every single day that I go to bed sober. I remain humble, knowing that I will always need to continue to learn and grow in order to remain healthy, mentally, spiritually and physically. I will continue to purge my junk in the house and in the house (aka, my soul) in order to maintain a good level of happiness and sanity.

Those are my thoughts, what are yours?

Grateful for Day 321

I’m grateful to be home.

I’m so grateful that I have next Monday and Tuesday off for mid winter break! Thought it was the following week, but I’ll take it!

I’m grateful that it’s almost mid February. At the same time I can’t even believe that we are heading into spring. The years truly fly by. I’m ready for summer, but I’m not ready to have high school seniors! Both (my son & live in nephew) have done a lot of growing these past few years. I’m excited for their future, but want to pause time sometimes.

I’m grateful that my class is almost over! One more class & I should get a salary bump. After that I might need to quit- or take it slow. This class has been a ton of work & stress coordinating with group members remotely. I’ll be so excited in a couple weeks when it is done.

I’m grateful that I spent all night working on my paper & it’s almost done.

I’m grateful for this blog. As silly as it seems sometimes to write about my drinking in what seems like a diary form, I’m so grateful especially for those early entries. I don’t remember how bad it was, until I go back and read. Then I’m grateful some more.

I’m grateful for you 💙

What are you grateful for?

Day 319

Kudos to anyone who has done a vacation with drinking family members.

I’m in Florida staying at my sister’s house with our dad, sister & cousin.

One of my dad’s favorite places is called The Monkey Bar & he was so excited to take us there.

My Florida sister asked me a couple weeks ago if it would bother me & questioned his sanity knowing that I have a problem with alcohol.

I said it would be fine. It’s close to the beach & we wanted to go there too.

I didn’t realize how not fine I would be. I didn’t realize that by the time we’d be here, alcohol would play a huge part, maybe dictate the vacation completely.

I am SO tired of alcohol, it truly is the devil!!! It has caused numerous problems that makes me feel so grateful that I’m not wrapped up in its ugly grips anymore.

I had to excuse myself & go sit outside for a bit. Texted a sober friend & had a good pep talk. Made a mental note to keep tighter boundaries next time.

Overriding everything is my gratitude. I’m so thankful for the tools that I’ve learned to keep myself from caving to triggers & cravings. I’m thankful that there has been good times on this trip despite the stupid drinking. Grateful that on a daily basis I don’t have to deal with anyone drinking. And grateful for warm sunshine when I’ll be traveling back to snow & cold tomorrow ☀️☀️☀️☀️

#day319

Hard Things

Day #313

I’ve spent a good part of the past couple months far from the pink cloud. Small joys come and go, but the big undertone is scared, sad and feeling like I’m ready to burst at the seams.

On a superficial level, it is a little bit due to the weather and it being winter. Actually, January 2020 was my first sober January since 2003 when I was pregnant with my oldest! I can only believe that the stress of the holidays, plus being in the dead of winter make January a horrific and long month. At that same superficial level, my anxiety is mostly due to my in-laws and it’s all their fault.

There have been so many times these past several weeks where I want to give up. I want to give up my marriage and my life for something that doesn’t include my in-laws.

Sometimes we know what is bothering us, but it’s hard to really grasp why. I realized recently that most (or all) of my anger towards them stems from the fact that we took in our nephew. The situation is ok– it is manageable, but I get so angry over little things that remind me that no one is validating or thanking us for taking him in. No one cares about the impact it has on my marriage– or our own children. Luckily this transition has been pretty smooth, but I would by lying if I said these things were not impacted and it would be nice to get a thank you or some type of recognition. My in-laws are too busy talking about my sister-in-law and putting her on a pedestal, because now she is DOING BETTER.

I want to run, away, far. Far from my marriage and this family. I want to take everything that is important to me and to not look back.

It’s what I know, it’s what I’ve always done.

I ran from my home as a young adult. As an adult, I ran from house to house. Almost 20 years of being together, and we are in our 5th home– all my initiating. For years I ran from job to job.

This thing is hard! This thing that I’m going trough seems utterly impossible at times. It makes quitting alcohol seem like child’s play.

And I want to give up. NOT to drink, at this point in time I have no desire to start down that rabbit hole. But I want to leave the in-laws and the marriage, because why should I have to struggle so much and go see a therapist to help me through when all my problems stem from them and the situation they caused?

But I know I can’t, because this is why:

It’s not them, it’s me. It’s me.

This is my issue, my thing to get through.

I’m not running from them, I’m running from me.

At some point, now that I’ve got some mental clarity from not binging every night, I realized that there will always be a situation to run from. Always.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the alcohol lately, while reading my recovery books. It has become clear that there are many levels to quitting. Level one is to quit. That’s what I did for years, up until the past summer when I started to dig on the inside. The next level is to clean up the junk that’s been piled inside for years and years. The junk that got packed in a little more each time I drank to avoid my feelings. Garbage. An entire landfill sitting on my heart. That’s what it feels like. I’m not sure what level 3 is, maybe continuing to clear the junk as it comes in- or maybe helping others clear their junk– not sure.

Level 2 is tough, really tough.

This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through– tougher than my mom’s death. I guess it’s not fair to compare, that was different, that was final and 100% out of my control- and put me into a tailspin for a couple of years.

This is tough, but it’s not impossible. We create our own heaven or hell on Earth and since the holidays, I’ve created a real hell hole.

My soul spoke to me around 3:00 am the other night. Resistance. I heard it loud and clear and immediately thought it came for an idea as a book topic that I can write about. As I thought about it the next day, I realized that that’s not it. Resistance is the thing that has been causing my hell. I’m resisting my in-laws and even trying to be open and loving.

I’m at work and as I just got up to put my food in the microwave, my mantra came to me. One that I told myself a few weeks ago at 5:00 am when it was freezing outside and I didn’t want to get up early and run. Instead of hitting snooze, I told myself: “You can do hard things.”

You can do hard things.

I think this will be my mantra for a little while <3