Perfection is a Mirage

If you know me at all, you know that I have a love/hate relationship with social media– Facebook in particular.

I will tell you why.  I’m looking at my facebook page.  The first thing I see is a bunch of great pics.  Me & hubby tan and happy on a beach with our floppy hats, happy kids playing a board game, me with various groups of friends/family posing for a pic.  Geez it looks like I have an awesome life with a group of fun everywhere I go.

The few pics of my kids that come up are them actually getting along, smiling and happy (I do have various pics of at least one of them in tears, but you don’t see that).

A dog training session comes up and it looks as though we have a well trained dog, but you don’t see his obnoxious traits that sometimes drive us bonkers.

You see a pic of my kids with the Easter bunny and the caption “The first and probably last pic of them with the Easter bunny.”    What the caption should really say is, “I had to bribe my kids with ice cream so that I could have at least one picture of them with the Easter bunny in my album.”

You don’t see any of the tears, the arguments, the mom yelling feeling as though she’s about to go off the deep end.

And when I look at other people’s Facebook page, envy transpires.  If only I had hair that long and thick, if only I had straight teeth like hers, if only I looked that thin.. and the list goes on.

Why don’t my kids like sports like other kids?  Why can’t I afford a house that big?  Why can’t we go on a cruise?   The list still goes on.

I try to not be jealous, but sometimes it’s hard.  When I’m feeling like I’m in an unhappy place, it’s easy to say “if only ________.”

Newsflash– I could have all of those things, and would still feel unhappy sometimes.  It’s not THINGS that make us happy.  It’s not the perfect body shell, because you know what?  Even if I did have that hair, those teeth and that body, there would still be things I want to change about my looks.

What if our happiness has nothing to do with our outside and everything to do with what’s inside?

As I clean up the inside of my “house” I am realizing how much junk on the inside can affect you– and it’s not in a good way.

But if my life was perfect…

What IS the perfect life?   Beauty? (sorry, but if that was my self worth I would be desperately afraid of losing it– totally not worth it), Money? (The famous line, “You’re a slave to money and then you die” comes to mind), Success? (What is success anyways?  If I was a professional dog walker and totally happy with my job and my small home and meager car, but feeling fulfilled-wouldn’t I be considered successful?  Or does it require a large salary and/or college degree– or world recognition?  No one knows..).

So this idea of perfection, it’s just an idea and isn’t even anything tangible.  Thinking and wanting will do nothing but make you sad and unhappy.  We must take social media with a grain of salt and realize that we are not seeing the whole picture.

So yeah, I will continue to love and hate FB until I can master this skill.

Anyways, it is Wednesday and sober day 20 for me.  Things are going very well and I have a general feeling of happiness throughout the day and have been sleeping exceptionally well.  I’ve been exercising daily (walking/running or bike riding), but my eating is still out of control.  I’m just not touching that right now.

This week’s early morning walk/runs have been exciting.

On Monday I was met with 2 sets of eyes glowing in my head lamp light in the otherwise pitch black early morning air.  They were coming closer and too short to be deer, more like dog height.  Coyotes!  There are many around here and they seem to travel in pairs.  I backed off toward the street until I realized they were leashed and attached to an owner.  Even though they were just dogs, my adrenaline was pumping the rest of the trip.

Today, I spotted a set of eyes two doors down from my house.  I thought I was being paranoid and that it was a reflection off the mailbox– but as I started to get closer they moved, then I saw about 3 other sets of eyes.  It was a group of deer, which didn’t scare me too bad but still kind of put me on edge for the rest of the walk.

Weekends have been exciting also.  Last weekend we went up to Bay City and had a great time.  I really realized that I actually have more fun up there when I’m sober and coherent.  Plus, Debbie and I felt good enough to hike the next day (never would have happened with a hangover!).

This weekend coming up, hubby and the oldest will be gone on a scout trip.  I’m looking forward to a low key weekend with my little that involves some cleaning, catching up on house chores, maybe putt putt and a bed party with movies and popcorn and m&m’s.

So that’s that, life is simple but oh so good!!  ❤ ❤ ❤

 

Totally Ready to Slay Some Dragons

It’s the last day of our staycation, last night actually since it’s almost 9pm.

We had a great time at Walt and Debbie’s house.  We went to Northwoods (a really cool huge store with everything that you could want for a discount), went to a buffet restaurant for dinner, relaxed in the hot tub and then started a game of Monopoly before calling it a night.  I knew that I wasn’t going to drink, but it surprised me how much more fun I have at her house when I’m not drinking 🙂

The dogs all played and had a blast.  Debbie and I walked the marsh trail today and made it all 3 miles.  We relaxed some more in the hot tub after our walk and then headed home shortly after.

I caught up on laundry after getting home, made dinner and lunches for tomorrow and then cleaned up the kitchen.  Now it’s almost 9 and I just sat down and am completely exhausted.

Temps aren’t supposed to be horribly cold tomorrow morning (closer to 30 than 20) so I’m setting my alarm clock to go run/walking.  I should be able to beat my previous pace because today I didn’t run at all.

I am actually looking forward to getting back to work.  This is the time of the year that I start checking things off for the last time before summer vacation.  I will definitely be very busy these next couple of weeks!

Due to state testing that is done during April and May, we will begin testing this week.  I have a new student who #1 has a visual impairment and #2 is a 5th grader who reads at a 1st grade level, therefore I will need to test her one-on-one and read aloud all of the 5 tests that she needs to take.   I also need to provide accommodations for the rest of my 5th graders, my 4th graders and my 3rd graders.  The state testing is very strict and rigid and takes a huge amount of time.

In addition to the state testing, we also have district testing to do these next few weeks.  For this test I need to provide accommodations for my kids in 1st-5th grade.

I also need to test students early this week to see how they are progressing on their IEP goals.  These assessments are very short and not too invasive.  The results will help me determine which students meet the criteria for ESY or extended school year services.  The students who meet this criteria will need an amendment to their IEP (more paperwork..).

Report cards are due in two weeks, so I will need to work on those too.

Another thing on my mind is my 5th graders who will transition to the middle school next year.  I have meetings scheduled for them in May to make a plan at the middle school for next year.  I’ll need lots of data and to set some good academic goals for them.

Sorry for all of the shop talk, I suppose on this Sunday night I’m feeling a little bit of work anxiety and it helps to write everything out 🙂

Anway, day 17 today!  Feeling so grateful and satisfied.

Wishing you all a great start to the week ❤

 

 

Step One— I am Totally, 100%, Powerless over Alcohol— and With it My Life is Completely Unmanageable 

I am NOT powerless, on the contrary, I have great power.  The power I must execute when it comes to alcohol is to STEER CLEAR.  The minute I take a sip is the moment where I lose my power.  The poison steals it and I no longer have control.

Here is a summary of the step 1 work that I’ve done:   “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.” 

Areas in my life that has become unmanageable due to alcohol:

Mental health, career, relationships, kindness, accurate thought, weight, gratitude, physical health, accomplishment, integrity and responsibility.

How I feel about my life being unmanageable due to alcohol:

Overwhelmed, sad, afraid, ashamed, hopeful, joyous (I see the light and am constantly moving toward it– even with slip ups) guilty, hurt, compassionate, regretful, passionate, resentful and pitiful.

What power I do have over alcohol:

I have the power to refuse to take it. I can’t drink, I won’t drink, I don’t want to drink.

How my life would be different if I didn’t have the unmanageability of alcohol:

I wouldn’t obsess about drinking. I wouldn’t drink until the point of passing out. I wouldn’t get drunk every time I drink– nor would I drink JUST to get drunk, I wouldn’t go to meetings and I wouldn’t know anything about recovery.

My statement of how I am powerless over alcohol:

If I take a drink:  I lose any and all power. I am powerless after the first sip. Nights of binge drinking have affected nearly all aspects of my life and has made #1) being a good mom and spouse #2) effectively doing my job and #3) taking care of my health unmanageable.

I am so glad that I revisited my step one work this morning!  We are headed up to Bay City to visit our best friends Walt and Debbie.  Debbie and I have drank together since getting our first apartment together back in 1995.  Throughout the years, my drinking has become a dirty habit while hers has dwindled to pretty much a couple drinks when she’s drinking with alcoholic friends like me.

The thought of going up there for a night does give me a little anxiety, although the past couple of times I’ve visited I haven’t drank.  However, the last time I drank with her was on my birthday just a few weeks ago.  I told her beforehand that I was going to drink, and she asked if I was sure and told me that she didn’t want to ruin my sobriety.  I blew it off and said that I’ve been good but not perfect and deserved to have drinks on my birthday.  While I was happy about being able to be coherent the entire day and night of my birthday, the truth is that I drank the entire week before and after my birthday.  Deciding to drink that one night resulted in a 2 week bender.

Betsy has already started yapping (a dozen or so times) about how nice it would be to have some drinks in her hot tub tonight.  Each time I scream back at her, “NO!”

I’ve spent half my spring break sleeping off my birthday toxins.  I DO NOT want to put more poison in and I especially don’t want to start something that will result in days or weeks of nightly drinking.

SO.. I’m super glad I reviewed my power and how best to use it so that I don’t become powerless.  I’m also extremely grateful for this knowledge and strength that will carry me throughout the night so that I can wake up to day 17 tomorrow, clear headed, energetic, grateful and heart happy.

Happy Saturday Vibes   ❤ ❤ ❤

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Spring Break Staycation and Everyone and Their Brother is in Florida

I pushed to stay home this spring break. Hubby wanted to go to Florida or at least half way south where we would find budding flowers and trees and warm temperatures.

We’ve had to fix/replace many things in our home since January and have spent a lot more money than usual in the past few months on those things.  I wanted to save the money we would be spending traveling.

Also, by the time spring break rolled around I was completely exhausted.  I was totally spent, mentally, physically, spiritually, etc.  Although the word vacation brings images of peace (resting on a beach, with a book indulging in good food, etc), planning, packing up and leaving is actually hard work.   I didn’t have it in me, so we stayed.

My first big mistake was reactivating my Facebook page.  Yup– as happily disconnected that I was– I reactivated to post a funny video my sons made– and I stayed.

So, while I’m baskin in my glory of a super clean house, homemade meals, daily naps on top of 9 hours a sleep per night, a part of me is jealous of all of my friends in their bathing suits on the beach.  Seriously.  I’m even secondhand witnessing coworkers who no longer work together running into each other.   How can there be enough beaches to possibly fit everyone who is in Florida right now?  I would not want to live in Florida during this month– it must be so crowded everywhere!

Back to the staycation.  I was slightly worried last week about a slip up this week.   After all, being home on mid winter break is when I awfully day drank and kept going.

I am happily reporting that I haven’t even thought about giving in to any urges I’ve felt.  I have such a strong desire this time and am just DONE with the booze.  I believe that having zero expectations of myself has helped my mindset.  I am not getting down on myself for not exercising– or not doing this or that.  I am patting myself on the back every single night no matter what for staying sober.  I’ve been happier and ironically more productive!  I’ve probably exercised more also– especially considering the awful weather we’ve been having– I’ve still been getting out there.

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I typically get depressed when I’m not working and struggle with non structured days.  I haven’t felt my usual disappointment/despair this week and am wondering if it has to do with being more kind and accepting of myself.  I’m getting really excited and hoping that this is the preview of a productive, happy and fulfilled summer vacation I’m about to have!

So far this has been a terrific week.  Here are some of the highlights:

Easter Sunday— This ended up being a great day.  My house was clean and our food was tasty.  I made hor dourves and hubby made the dinner.  My dad and hubby’s brother came over.  We had a wonderful meal and visit.  Afterwards, we had cake and ice cream to celebrate mine and my oldest’s birthday.  I could tell that my dad had a good time and enjoyed the meal because he texted me after the fact a couple of times letting me know 🙂

Monday— Bicycle shopping!  I’ve known for awhile that I wanted a new bike for my birthday.  Mine is over 10 years old and has been good, except for the last time we took it up north it was making a funny noise/click sound and hard to ride.  Hubby worked on it for hours and we thought it was all set.  The next day we brought our bikes to Mackinac Island.  All the way around the island my bike was making an awful squeaking sound.  Everyone who passed me looked at me funny and said, “Your bike is squeaking.”  DUH!!!  It was so annoying, I never fully trusted my bike after that.

I found my bike at the first store we went to and it was one of the first ones I test rode.  We wanted to be sure though so we went to a few other stores.  Several hours and test rides later I knew for sure!  I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new bike but it’s been too cold to ride it.  I think I might be able to get out there with it today, it’s going to be sunny and 40 degrees (hello heat wave!).

Tuesday— I had a good workout, hot bath and then we visited grandma.  We brought Jets pizza, a chocolate cream pie and everything was so delicious.  My dad stays with her on Tuesdays so he was there too.  I don’t always see him often, so seeing him twice in one week was a treat.  We had a nice visit.  We talked a lot of politics and current events and nothing got heated because we all have the same opinions (mostly).

Wednesday— Chillax day.  It was SO cold and windy that I got a workout in, but inside.  I ran out for some groceries and then did some cooking.  My youngest had a playdate, hubby and the oldest went to the rec center to swim laps.  I was in bed by 10 and slept very well.

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Cheesecake made in the InstaPot by Hubby 

Today is Thursday and Day 14 🙂

I’m not sure what we’ll do today, but am ok with whatever.  Maybe hubby and I will go wander around Sam’s Club (one of our favorite pastimes– and everytime we do it I feel like we are OH SO old– but I guess we are..).

Peace and love ❤

Spring Break & Easter 2018

Happy Easter Morning!

It is such a peaceful morning here.  Crisp with traces of snowflakes falling– but that’s ok, because the promise of spring is strong and present.

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Colorful buds emerging from the messy flower bed

I am happy that we don’t have to go anywhere today.  I am finishing up the cleaning I started yesterday and hubby is making an Easter dinner.  My dad and brother-in-law will be coming over for dinner.  We stocked up on lots of delicious groceries last night, so there will be plenty to eat!

I want to mention also, that today is Day 10.  Double digits always feels good!  I think my strategy of allowing myself leeway in terms of keeping up on exercise, activities etc has helped alleviate unneeded stress and pressure.

This plan has been great actually.  For example the other day I did NOT want to workout.  I told myself that if I didn’t workout then it was 100% ok and gave myself permission to skip it and still like myself.  In the end I ended up working out (it was a SLOW 3 mile walk with no running sprints- but I still got out there) mainly because I was feeling so lethargic and I knew that it would help energize me a bit.

I have a feeling that if I hadn’t given myself permission to skip it, the rebel in me would have skipped it anyhow and I would have been kicking myself all night because of it.  Due to the self hatred, I probably also would have overate.

Yep, I definitely like this newfound freedom of giving myself lots of wiggle room 🙂

Spring Break-

It is day 3 of spring break.  It’s the first spring break that we’ve stayed home in at least 3 years.  The past 2 we went to Florida and then back in 2015 we went to Tennessee and stayed on Lookout Mountain.  All of those trips were special and I will always treasure the memories, but I have never been so happy to be home right now.

So far, this break has been a mixed bag of tons of rest and relaxation (hello daily afternoon naps and nightly 9 hour slumbers!), exercise, getting stuff done around the house, self-care and loving on my furbabies.  After the craziness of the past few months, this chillaxation is perfect for my mind, body and soul ❤

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My kittens are happy that we decided to stay home this year

Unfacebooking and Allowing Myself to be a Quitter

Happy sober Day #8!

I feel well-rested, optimistic, lighthearted, not stressed about all of the cleaning I need to catch up on, happy, motivated, smart, funny, excited, and have an overall feeling of bliss.  While it’s easy to attribute my overall feelings of fabulousness to 8 days of sobriety, I’m sure that being on the beginning of spring break has nothing to do with it 😉

Being off Facebook this week has been good for me.  Only a couple of times did I feel like I needed to reactivate and post.  The first time was on my son’s 15th birthday.  For the longest time I pride myself on birthday posts for my kids.  I find the cutest pictures of them throughout their childhood, post about how blessed we are as parents and how you shouldn’t blink because they grow up so fast.  I felt like a bad mom not acknowledging his birthday on Facebook, but why?

Which left me wondering WHY do I feel the need to tell this to all 300 of my facebook friends (most of which I haven’t seen in person for a number of years)?

I thought through the absurdity of my need to post and then moved on.

The second time I had the urge to reactivate was getting home late from work and seeing the destruction caused by my brother-in-law who was babysitting my youngest.

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I suppose that with time, the urge to post stupid things will go away.   At least I hope so!  Other than those two times I’ve been happily disconnected.   Sometimes life feels entirely like a rat race.  While we can’t exit the rat race of life, quitting Facebook seems a little like dropping out of the rat race.  I got off the high speed merry-go-round of life on display and it feels quite liberating!

Speaking of quitting…

I have a bad habit of starting things but not following through with them.  Such as: meditation, regular elliptical usage to shape my legs, yoga, pilates, veganism, shakeology, probiotics, books (like over 30 on my shelf that I have started), AA meetings, womens meetings, juicing, stepwork, various workout programs, walking at lunch, sewing, piano lessons, pretty much you name it, I tried it a couple of times and then quit.

This bothers me so much that I talked to my therapist about it.  She wasn’t much of a help– basically said that while my brain heals with prolonged sobriety– I would naturally become more focused.  She really wasn’t very helpful with anything, so I quit seeing her too.

You can add sobriety to the long list of things that I have quit.  Looking back on all of my posts it’s easy to see how many times I’ve thrown in the towel and gave up on my quest to not drink.  It’s not surprising, I can’t stick to anything!

Focus, self.  Stay focused.

You know what?   WHO cares about all of the other stuff?  WHO CARES?  None of it really matters without sobriety.

So, for the good of the whole, I decided that for the time being, I will not worry about all of that other stuff.  Diets, workouts, extra curricular activities, I will let myself quit anytime I want to.   The only thing I need to worry about at this point in time is my sobriety.

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That is a nonnegotiable & I will save 100% of my focus to stay on course.

Letting all of the other stuff go feels very freeing.  Maybe liberating myself of these unnecessary burdens is the missing key to my success.

Peace and happiness ❤

 

 

Belly Laughs

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I have to agree.  There is something magical about the deep belly laugh.  It gives you a case of the warm fuzzies like nobody’s business.

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This is one of the unexpected gifts in sobriety.  You see, while in active alcoholism everything is just numb, pretty much all of the time.  You go through the motions of each day, but everything is very flat.  When things get stressful (as they inevitably do throughout the day or week), you immediately reach for the one coping mechanism that you know—and then you are numb again.

If you are lucky enough to get off the Total Life and Happiness Suck merry-go-round, then you will see.  Anxiety dwindles and it is easier to shrug off day to day life stresses.  You wake up feeling alive and well-rested, a major change from the misery that used to encompass every morning routine and shroud your entire existence in a blanket of guilt and shame.

You begin to realize that the very thing that you used to manage life’s nuisances made your stress and anxiety worse.  You begin to feel quite blissful that you are able to deal with stress in a productive manner and no longer have the anxiety that leaves you out of breath and reaching for a toxic solution.  Instead of going through the day lifeless just waiting for your nightly poison, you begin to feel.  The highs feel wonderful (hello Pink Cloud!) and while the lows feel not so good, it DOES feel good to be able to organically cope.

And then there are belly laughs.

Last fall I was sitting with my youngest discussing Halloween costumes.  He wanted to dress as a cat and we were talking about types of cat costumes.  We decided to see if Amazon had anything good, so we cuddled up on the sofa and searched for “cat costume”.

When we saw the results we roared with laughter.  Lots of cats came up, cats dressed as pirates, cats dressed as witches, cats dressed as zebras, you name it.  It was such a simple thing, yet months later we still explode with laughter whenever we think about it.

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That night I was so grateful and had full appreciation for my sobriety.  If I was drinking that night, I would have been rushing to get through the moment and probably wouldn’t have even searched with him, I probably would have hastily bought a costume on my lunch a week before Halloween. It’s sad truth but outlines the truth in how this impacts our kids.

Last month hubby and I retired to bed early with an unspoken plan to get a little frisky (do not read on if you are easily offended!).  While we were snuggling, I kept feeling a small pebble in the sheets.  I couldn’t get it out and finally exclaimed, “There’s something hard in our bed!”  Well… after I said it I realized what I said and we both roared in laughter for a long harmonious moment.

Yeah, making funnies and sharing belly laughs is far superior to going to bed barely coherent.  This impacts our entire family—our entire existence.

The lows will always be there and we will have to feel them eventually.  It is far better to work through despondent feelings and then move on and get all of the benefits—like belly laughs—than to live life flatlined and emotionless.

I’m not sure about you, but I’d rather live through today sad, than be in a zombie state.  For tomorrow I want to wake up without that guilt and shame and feel energized and alive ❤

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Facebook is the Devil and Scout Camp is like Rehab (sort of)

Day 3 of what will hopefully be a forever long sober streak.  I know that in the recovery world you are supposed to keep it at one day at a time– and I do for the most part.  It helps me though, to look at the big picture.  I like to think of June 30th which will be right around day 100, unknown territory for me.

I want to talk about social media for a sec, Facebook specifically.  For whatever reason, Facebook brings me down.  A few months ago I deactivated my account for a couple of weeks & not logging in MADE me happier.  It felt like I had jumped off a never ending merry-go-round that was doing nothing but going faster and faster.  It was like a huge breath of fresh air– and I honestly can’t remember why I ever went back.

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First, there’s the competition element of it.  Everyone posts awesome achievements and adventures; a kid’s straight A report card or olympic gold medal, yearly family vacations abroad to exotic places, brand new cars that cost half the amount of my house.. and it makes me feel icky about my life– when really I am exactly where I’m supposed to be at 41.  I mean, I’ve never left the continent or even have been to Disney World (hats off to the parents who make this a yearly event– making sure to post about it!) but basically I have what I want in life.   It’s not like I’m not happy about all of these posts, I am happy for my friends, I just don’t like the negative voice in my head that wonders what it would be like to travel to Europe or to have a gold medal winning child, and then tells me I’m not good enough.

But then, there’s the dark side.  Political rants, trolls, obscene comments on tragic news stories, etc.

Everytime I log in I see infuriating posts from friends of all of the political parties.  I don’t even know if half the SH&% is true– but having it constantly thrown in my face is enough to make me want to escape to a tiny island somewhere far far away.  But I can’t, and that is ok– because according to many of these posts the world is on the verge of ending anyway.  Hallelujah– just waiting on that paradise known as heaven.

I really shouldn’t get offended, but I do.  Like in January my uncle, who is a deputy, got seriously injured when he was helping out at the scene of an accident.  Most comments were nice on the Facebook news post– as he is well known and loved in the area he works.   BUT of course, it’s the ones that were obscene that stuck with me and wouldn’t get out of my head.

“I hope the pig dies, he doesn’t deserve to live!”

“Throw him a donut, and I bet he’ll jump out of that hospital bed!”

Yeah.

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Webster’s newest word: keyboard warrior

Then there are my friends who blatantly insult me because of my beliefs.  I’ve been called an idiot, moron and a dumb-ass because I have zero interest in going to work at an elementary school with a gun attached to my hip (my aim is really bad).  They didn’t call me those names specifically, but their posts state that a teacher is those things if they oppose carrying guns while working at a school.

So…

This is why I need to get off FB like 3 years ago.  Other social media is fine.  I have a whole bunch of Twitter peeps, we are #recoveryposse and the posts on my Twitter feed are happy and uplifting.

It is now Sunday evening and we spent the weekend at a Scout Ranch Camp.  I was really looking forward to the horseback riding on this trip.  I didn’t count on it being SO cold though!  We still had a pretty good time, we just had to dress like uni bombers to stay warm (well I did, because I freeze easily.. I did get some dirty looks at the ranch..).

I used to hate going to scout weekends away because alcohol is prohibited– and basically I never went.  Nowadays, it is such a welcomed event because there is no room for Betsy or her dumb arguments in my head.  It is what it is and alcohol is not allowed.  I’ve never been to rehab, but imagine it’s kind of like scout camp.  You sleep in a room with strangers, go on various outings and do a lot of hanging out in nature.  Just without the meetings/counseling.   And with kids– but that’s ok, I like hanging out with kids– mostly more than adults 😉

Easter Bunny getting ready for the egg drop at the ranch
 
I thought I would be totally exhausted after this weekend (typically don’t sleep well) but miraculously I slept pretty good!  Since getting home, I’ve done most of my chores, a ton of laundry, made dinner and banana bread, grocery shopped and will be done early enough to watch a movie before bed.  Also I’m hoping to get up early and workout tomorrow.  I haven’t been doing it the past two weeks, because it’s been SO cold.  But the low tonight is going to be 30, so I can handle that much better than 20.

This week is going to be a crazy week of evening activities (celebration of learning for my youngest, birthday dinner for my oldest and my Open House on Wednesday).  After Thursday it’ll be Spring Break.  I CAN’T WAIT!!!  We aren’t going anywhere except maybe up north to the cottage, for part of it, but I’m excited to get caught up with house cleaning and organizing.

Over and out ❤

 

Last Day One 

My body is exhausted & achy, but my mind & spirit is happy today.  

Day One feels so refreshing, especially on this sunny spring day ☀️☀️☀️


My resolve is strengthened & I am determined.  

I have tools & a large toolbox & I know what I need to do now— To. Make. This. My. Last. Day. One.

But for right now, I am packing my bags for a weekend getaway.  

My family is heading to a scout ranch, where I will have plenty of down time to read, write, explore nature & play with horses.  Alcohol prohibited — so Betsy will not be coming & there will be no arguments in my head.


Peace out friends, may your weekend be filled with love & happiness 🖤 ☮️

Birthday, Friends and St. Patty’s Day

I made the conscious decision to drink on my birthday a good 10 days beforehand.  Even though I had been having a nice sober streak & feeling good, I was comfortable with my choice.

My BFF and her hubby were coming from out of town to see a show and stay the night.  While my BFF and I used to drink all the time, she isn’t necessarily a trigger for me.  She can take it or leave it and I haven’t drank with her at all in a year.

I have a history of drinking too much, checking out & blacking out and not remembering things– especially during an outing or party with friends.

My birthday itself was terrific– perfect actually.  It falls on St. Patty’s Day and I love that it’s on such a festive fun day!  We had a great dinner in downtown Royal Oak and then went to see Puddles the clown.   I didn’t know who he was, but my friends love him and so when they asked us to go on my birthday months ago, I had to say yes.  Especially since it at a theater in one of my favorite towns.  It was a pretty good show– different but very interesting!  Afterwards, we stayed up half the night chatting the night away & my boys enjoying our friends’ visit (they are like an aunt and uncle to them).  I drank throughout the day and night, but did not overdrink.  I had a couple here and there, could hold my head up at the show and actually remember going to bed.

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So.. my birthday happened, my friends came & it was a great celebration & alcohol was a welcome and tame guest.  In all regards, it would appear that my struggle with alcohol is a think of the past– right???

I supposed if I was a normal drinker than that statement could be true.  But I am anything but a normie.

How so?  WELL… about 10 days before my birthday I decided that I was going to drink on my birthday with my friends here.  Naturally, I had to practice, right?  I didn’t just drink on my birthday.  I drank everyday after I made that decision up until my birthday.  I suppose if I was going to throw in the towel and reset my counter, I may as well live it up!  I figured my birthday would be a “last hurrah” and then I could focus on long term sobriety.

It is now 5 days after my birthday and I have drank every night since.  Every. Single. Night.

One decision to drink on one occasion has now lead to 2 weeks of binge drinking.

This is extremely problematic.  

I cannot give myself an inch, I will take a mile.  I can’t allow a sip– for I will drink a river.  I must always remember that one decision to drink will lead to a difficult struggle that will last for days at best, months or years at worst.

Currently thankful for being sober, taking it one moment at a time.  Reflecting on my mistakes and vowing to learn from them & aiming to be better.

Peace & Love ❤

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