Running

Everything is bothering me today, this week, this month, actually.

I’m usually pretty upbeat & grateful, but my ego has my head exhausted.

Maybe it’s being stuck in a dirty house with so many men. There is often tension between my hubby and my teenage nephew, who isn’t used to discipline and quite frankly, IT SUCKS AND I HATE IT.

My office is in my bedroom, but hubby is still sleeping when I have to start work. So I have to wait for him, then I can get set up. This annoys me daily.

It’s cold outside & all week I’ve tried to use the treadmill during the day, but can’t because of people working nearby. Today if I want to run I have to wait until 6, or else bundle up and freeze.

After work, I tried to meditate. Got interrupted by hubby who busted in the room to use the bathroom & let me know that he didn’t have a call for 20 minutes in case I wanted to do the treadmill.

Thanks, but by the time I get into workout clothes I’ll have about 10 minutes. The meditation session was ruined.

And I want to kill hubby.

He’s got his own set of issues. I’m not sure if he’ll ever completely follow me on the spiritual path & it’s become clear that I need to address how not to allow him to affect me.

And huge lack of sleep due to contention around here (contention in my head, I should add). 😬

One week we’re leaving & I feel sad that all I want to do is get on that plane by myself. When we leave for trips, hubby is always super stressed & pissy the morning of.

Before now, it was easy to laugh these things off.

I’ve stopped laughing. I won’t even engage with some of his ranting (the pointless kind that just feels like he’s yelling at me, even though he’s griping about something else).

When I see him do things over and over again that just make him miserable 🤦🏻‍♀️😞

The point of this wasn’t to complain about my family. It was to say that I still feel like I’m running from the holidays.

But what if it’s not the holidays I’m running from?

Day #629

Day Counters

Day 625

The day counter became my nemesis in early recovery.

I’ve reset that sucker too many times to count. I’ve tried abstaining without keeping track of days, because for awhile, I was too obsessed with the counter.

During the first year, I played around with not using it at all. Eventually, I found it more helpful than irritating and have used it ever since, even when I had to reset it, over and over again.

These days I get excited when I see the stats.

What I notice even more than the $5,000 is the 800+ hours of productivity. That’s 20 full 40-hour work weeks. Woah 😏

Some people of experience FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) sometimes.

Lately FIMO (Fear I Missed Out) is on my mind. I have some catching up to do, but I’m so grateful that I’m back in the game 😁

Happy Friday everyone 💖

We Do Recover

Day #619- Really it took something like 1300 days to get here, but who’s counting?

I’m reminiscing today. Back in 2016 or 2017 I was having a conversation with a colleague at the Keurig machine one early morning.

I was in a sad state.

Hungover, head pounding, puffy face and eyes and not sure that I was going to make it through the morning without getting sick.

My colleague was in a sad state too.

He shared that he had a soccer game the previous night and was having some difficulties due to an injury.

Soccer game at eleven pm on a Thursday night? I thought he was insane! And he had a new baby at home. I kind of was thinking he was a weirdo, to be honest.

Today I messaged that same colleague because I want on a soccer team, and knew that he would have good info for me to find a noncompetitive league.

I played in 4th grade, and was bad at first, but not too bad by the end of the season. I ended up on a team with kids from a different school, so I didn’t go on after that season. I often regret it, and wonder how different things would be for me if I stuck with it.

I’ve been doing a lot of different things lately and thought of this, and it sounds like so much fun! Sadly, my friend let me know that due to Covid, summer 2021 will be the soonest probably that I can play.

It’s crazy how much our perception can change in such a short time, relatively.

WHO’S the weirdo now?

Limits

I wish I learned about that voice when I was younger. That voice, that tells me I suck. The one that says I’m not good enough. The one that whispered in my ear nearly every single day this past summer, that the hours I poured into my novel were a colossal waste.

It’s no wonder why I didn’t pursue my dreams as a youngster. Heck, it’s probably the reason I ditched my hobbies and never got really good at anything.

We need to teach the youngsters about that voice and how it isn’t even real. How it wants nothing more than to makes us miserable, and isn’t even real. How it informs us of how awful our friends and loved ones are so that we are angry at them, yet isn’t even real. And how it urges us to splurge and binge, all for a happiness that is as fake as the voice.

I guess I’m lucky I learned about it now, some people never disassociate themselves from the voice. The book, The Untethered Soul, equates the voice to a crazy roommate in our heads- and I don’t think the author is that far off.

Are you listening to the deranged roommate in your brain? When you break free of the chaos and negativity, the sky really does become the limit and we can accomplish anything we set our minds to. <3

Day 612 and the Ancy Ego

I feel like I grew a little this Thanksgiving holiday.

I’m more focused on what I need to feel peaceful and honoring that. In the past I was too compliant and felt way too bad skipping a holiday. Have I become selfish?

Having a trip planned for Christians has been the best therapy for the holiday stress I normally feel.

It’s ironic because hubby always has time off at Christmas and asks me just about every year if I want to go away for Christmas.

And every year it was the same response, “We can’t go away, it’s Christmas.”

Who made up these arbitrary life rules anyway?

This year I jumped at the idea, and you know what? I’ve never been so excited for Christmas in my entire adult life! Additionally, instead of our parents being mad at us, they seem happy for us 🤗

Now I know traveling during a pandemic might seem careless, and maybe it is, but we will be staying with my sister and will do our best to stay safe.

One of the things I like best about being where I’m at mentally, is that I can see my growth. Many times when situations arise, I can imagine what my ‘old self’ would do and knowing how I felt it makes perfect sense. NO wonder why I always struggled, I think my ego, or that voice in my head was like 99% to blame.

My ego was on fire about everyone leaving me on Thanksgiving and really tried to rile me up, for like the whole week beforehand.

The old me didn’t know that voice has one mission and it’s to sabotage my life. The old me thought that voice was real, and what it was saying is true, but it’s not.

Today hubby is helping his aunt & uncle move. The old me would have been pissed that he has to waste yet another day of this long weekend with his dreadful family.

When he told me, my ego shouted with anger. I quickly put her in her place and then I told him I would go and help him,

He didn’t ask me to accompany him, but said to me last night, “I’m so happy you’re coming with me.”

It’s a gorgeous sunny Saturday morning and I feel good helping family (I’ve always liked his aunt and uncle they are so sweet). I’m grateful that I’m not at home sulking and crying that I have SO much to do and no help from hubby (yeah, there’s my ego again trying to overwhelm me).

So happy happy day 612 💙

Deadsgiving

Today is Thanksgiving here in the United States. People all over will be cooking, eating, watching football, doing LOTS of drinking. Then the really crazy ones will wake up early tomorrow morning to get the good ‘Black Friday’ deals.

I’m not exactly sure when I began to despise the holidays. Probably after a few years of celebrating with my in-laws, honestly. No fault of theirs though.

Holidays are super stressful to me for some reason, and I don’t even have a lot to. Furthermore, I always feel so bad hating on them because I know I’m so lucky to have family to celebrate with.

This year is extra hard due to circumstances out of our control. So much that I told hubby a few weeks ago that I would not be going to his family’s Thanksgiving or Christmas.

I didn’t make this decision lightly. All of the spiritual literature I’ve been reading, and that has helped me level up in life, goes against what I’m doing today. But I’m doing it anyway, because these boundaries are necessary for me at the moment.

I won’t apologize for it.

The week leading up to today has been sketchy. My ego really really wants me to be pissed about today.

All week I’ve been shutting it up when it says things like, “It’s not fair you have to spend Thanksgiving alone.” Or, “You should be angry with hubby for not skipping it with you.”

I’m so happy to know about the ego and it’s big wish to sabotage every bit of happiness in my life!

I didn’t know how I’d really feel come today. Would I be remorseful? Angry? Sad to be alone and not stuffing my face?

I thought I might go over to the in-laws after my sister in law leaves, but today is panning out way better than I expected, so I probably won’t. (They live right behind us, a big reason why I wouldn’t expect hubby to skip it when we don’t have anything going on).

It’s just after 1:00 now and the family is getting ready to go.

I am feeling a sense of peace and calmness I’ve never felt on a holiday.

This morning I adopted a turkey named Jackie. I feel happy knowing that on ‘Dead Bird Day’ I at least saved one. This will be an annual tradition!

I was leery about spending today alone, so I invited my dead relatives.

My mom, my grandma Jackie, grandpa Bill & my other grandpa.

It’s kind of nice because I don’t even have to feed them 🤷🏼‍♀️

And my grandma & mom always LOVED doing dishes. I’m going to tell them they can do all mine.

This is going to be a very spiritual day for me, and I am really looking forward to it. 💙🙏🏻😇

Sole Purpose

24 Hours

(March 2019: The last Day 1)

Super ugly post warning. I don’t remember having a day feeling this low. I wasn’t going to drink last night, but I did. I woke up in a puddle of piss. I WET the f’ing bed! I can’t even tell you the amount of shame and guilt I have today– over not just this but the enormity of it all. I showered this morning, but still felt like I smelled like piss all day. I hope (pray) it was in my head. I looked like garbage all day and functioned at probably less than 50%.

It’s been a busy couple of days. I drank once since the last time I wrote and I believe it’ll be the last. I was SO filled with guilt and shame the next day, it still makes me cry. This is what I posted in my sober circle that sums it up:

My hubby texted me twice throughout the day and both times I was reading into things thinking he’s going to boot me to the curb. How can he not hate me? And my poor kiddos– what the hell am I doing to them continuing to drink? It was so hard to go to school today and try to act normal when walking around with a boat load of shame, guilt, etc.

Fortunately, I have some good things to look forward to. My BFF is coming down this weekend to visit for my son’s bday. Next week is spring break and I am SO excited to get back to the things that are good for me and hopefully make it to some AA meetings, maybe even find a sponsor and start on these steps. I hope and pray that this is it. I’ve said that literally like 1000 times, BUT I don’t think I’ve ever felt this low. If you are the praying type, I would appreciate a prayer. I need all the prayers, positivity etc that I can get right now <3

Now it is March 30th. That day that I posted this ended on a high note. Hubby was forgiving. We rode our bikes that evening up to have dinner. We didn’t talk about “it” other than me telling him that any and all alcohol in house must go (even the kind that gives me zero temptation) and that I HAVE to stop. The dinner, the 8 mile ride with the birds singing and frogs calling, the weather — it all was so refreshing and filled with so much life and renewed hope. I knew then that I can’t go back.

I felt much better the next day and find it absolutely amazing how much things can change in 24 hours.

For the moment, I’m keeping busy, but not tempted in the least. I tagged along last night with hubby, sons, brother in laws and nephew to see an awful movie (Marvel- I hate action and violence). It was a nice time though and we had dinner out which was delicious. My brother in law got a drink at the restaurant and again at the movies. I had no desire to join him or go home and drink. In fact, I talked to him for a bit about his longtime best friend (who coincidentally was our neighbor when we bought our first house) who lost his wife suddenly over a year ago. He was always a drinker but his wife kept him in line. He’s completely lost all control since she died. I am so sad for him. He’s choosing death over life. I hope he comes out of it.

My kids and I are off school next week for spring break. Timing is a pure blessing and could not be better. This will give me time to read, write, meditate, go to AA, set up an appointment with my old therapist, and work on my soul. And to think a week ago, I was actually going back and forth about drinking over break. I am so thankful to NOT have that internal dialogue in my head right now and the gift of sobriety today. Vacation is always so much better with a clear head and a clean soul <3

One more thing.. Lately I have been reading some incredible books that I think will be life changing for me. One is The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne. The other one is, The Lotus and the Lily: Access the Wisdom of Buddha and Jesus to Nourish Your Beautiful, Abundant Life, by Janet Connor. I’m just getting started but am learning about some amazing principles. I can’t wait to share more as I embark upon this new and exciting journey!

Anyways, time to check some more things off my list. Have a GREAT weekend <3 < 3 <3

Foodie Family Fun

Life during a pandemic can get old & monotonous. My family & I have begun some fun routines.

It all started with a bulgar bowl.

At the start of the school year, all of our boys were at school on Fridays & hubby & I worked from home. We treasured these days, with a quiet house, and celebrated with lunch from our favorite take-out joint. One day I tried a bulgar bowl instead of the usual falafel wrap and it became an instant favorite, plus it was fun to say ☺️

But then it became a ‘vulgar bowl’ & soon Fridays were called ‘Vulgarbowl Fridays.’

Then it expanded to the weekend. Kind of like Super Bowl weekend, but this is Vulgar Bowl weekend, and the goal is to be vulgar, which isn’t very hard living with a tween, two teens and a 40+ year old man-child (I mean, not that vulgar, all in good fun).

This was planned to go until the end of 2020, to make the year more jolly. The way things are looking, we may need to expand it 😯

Next, we started an early morning Tim Horton’s tradition- Tim Tuesday’s. It began as an impromptu date with my youngest, but it quickly became a routine. Anyone is invited and the only requirement is to be ready by 6am, and to wake me if I’m not up. Tuesday is one of two in-person school days for the kids, this makes it a fun start.

Our last Foodie Fun groove is, ‘Frothy Fridays.’ This includes a hot drink next to the fire as we wait for the bus on Friday mornings. Friday is the second in-person school day of the week and this makes for a nice start. It actually started as a silly suggestion on a Thursday night. I didn’t think much of it the next morning, but my youngest said, ‘You should have woken me up for that special thing.” “Ooooooh!” I responded. “Don’t worry, we can drink hot chocolate while you eat your cereal by the fire.”

It was such a silly little thing, I was surprised he remembered, let alone got excited about it at age 12. It made me realize that it really is the little things, that are the big things. Really, it doesn’t matter if it’s a Tim’s hot chocolate, a gourmet meal, or a game of Uno and hot drink by the fire or in a favorite spot– with great music of course.

Day #604

2nd blog entry ~ Day -190 (from the very 1st Day 1)

June 2016
I am starting to get nervous. A couple of weeks ago, I was pretty hyped up, excited. Now that the clock is ticking, I don’t know if I can follow through. How can I? I’m so used to old habits and the way things are, how can I change? I keep hoping that if I want it bad enough, then I can be successful.. right?
The past couple of weeks have been a bear. I have a pleural effusion, which may or may not have been caused by something serious (liver cirrhosis, cancer, autoimmune issues or air changes..). This has slowed me down some (it’s basically a fluid build up between my lungs and rib cage), sometimes waking me up early in the day not able to breathe. Normally, summer vacation would have started already, but due to a late Labor Day and start to the school year, we still have 7 school days left with kids, plus 1 without kids. But I am exhausted!
I haven’t cut down on drinking. I am trying to savor each drinking day! I really don’t know if I can stop. I haven’t made an outpatient appointment yet. I suppose I should get off this blog and make a decision as to where I am going and see about getting an appointment.
This is scary. I don’t want to spend the summer 2016 strung out, I really don’t! I want to feel good, energetic, happy and healthy. I want to exercise daily and detox my body. I just don’t know if I can do it!

alcoholic #addiction #recovery #scaredtochange

Day #599

I only call myself an alcoholic at AA meetings.