Psychotic Basket Case

Gross week!!

I’ve been a psychotic basket case since Wednesday (mom’s death day). I had a decent day, well most of it although I did end up with the haircut from hell (it is really bad). BUT, my hubby did not acknowledge the day whatsoever and I am still so pissed at him– which makes for a great family vacation. I know to be mad isn’t my best self, but I can’t help it at this moment. I am still mad & stuck in this small cottage with him while the weather has been pretty bad. Ugh! I hate feeling like this 😬😬😬

Yesterday was day 100. My sister was up here with her boxed wine & started drinking in the afternoon. I was so miserable it’s a miracle I didn’t pick up to make myself more desperate. I didn’t want to ruin my streak & I also didn’t want to have to get out of the endless cycle again. I don’t even know if I’d make it out actually & that’s the truth.

SO…… I don’t even know what would make me happy right now… just time, I guess 🙈

I did go to the farmers market this morning. I’ve always liked the one up here, but everything seemed overpriced. I did get lots of produce though & already made fresh blueberry bread because all of the dessert cakes at the market had milk & egg in it. I’m looking forward to cooking up the veggies I got– that’ll help make me happy.

SO… I have my food & my sobriety. Even though I’m feeling psychotic & miserable & my hair looks like Einstein’s, it’s a good day ☀️

D Day July 3rd

I hate today.  I will always hate today.

5 years ago I was up north with my little family waiting for our extended family to join us.  On July 2nd I got a call that my mom was in the ER and needed emergency surgery for a perforated bowel.

I wanted to get the F out of Walmart (we were shopping for groceries when we got the call) and go straight to the hospital almost 3 hours away.  Hubby was more optimistic.  He thought she might even feel well enough to make it up there by the weekend.  We went back to the cottage and grabbed our essentials and headed down.

Hubby dropped me off at the hospital, picked up my nephew and took the kids home to entertain while my sisters and I waited and worried.

She went into the hospital in severe pain, but they had 2 or 3 surgeries ahead of her (one we would later find out was an elective surgery– but they did it before her anyways) so they didn’t get to her surgery until the evening.  She survived the surgery, but we left knowing that she had a very long recovery to go.

We went back to her house and we drank like fish.  We laughed, cried and talked about how we were all going to get pregnant together.  We finally went to sleep around 3am.  We woke up to our phones ringing around 4:30 to get back to the hospital because she was crashing.

When we got there, the ICU doctor took us into a very small room.  She told us that our mom’s heart had stopped and they got it started again but it took a long time and felt like they were assaulting not saving her.  She told us that our mom was on a medication right now that was keeping her alive, but they would eventually have to take her off.  She also said that with her heart stopped for so long, they had no idea if there would be brain damage.  We told her to go ahead and take her off the medication.  It would be what our strong and independent mom would want.

We watched her die.  It is just like in the movies.  On top of that, the hospital plays a lullaby every time a baby is born.  So as I watched my mom die, I listened to a new life coming into this world.  It was eerily similar to the video for Live’s Lightning Crashes video.

That’s my story.  Today is hard.  I’ve always been with at least one sister, but today I am home alone with my kids.  I am going out to lunch with my dad and then going to get my hair done.

Hubby is on vacation after today, and we will head up north either tonight or tomorrow.

I keep telling myself it is just a day, but it affects me even more than I know.

I just hate July 3rd.  The End.

Coming Out

Hi Readers–I need your help!  Day 97 here!  My 100th day is Friday and I’m excited to make it the best day ever!

I’ve been thinking a lot about coming out on Facebook to family and friends.  Mainly I want to do this for accountability– especially with summer festivities in full swing.   I am planning on posting this on Friday but wanted to post here first.

I welcome any and all constructive criticism.  I have no idea if it sounds too long, too wordy, too vague, etc.   Here the draft I came up with:

Today is a special day for me, today I have 100 days of no alcohol! 

My journey began back in the spring of 2016.  I had developed pleural effusion, diagnosed at the ER when I was being checked for a lung clot.  I was told there are many reasons I could have gotten it and to follow up with my general practitioner.  

As I waited for the follow up appointment, I was researching pleural effusion (I had never heard of it prior to this) and found out that it could be caused by liver problems.  Knowing that I was drinking WAY too much, this information kind of put me into panic mode.  

When I went to my general practitioner for my follow up visit, I had decided to ask for help with my drinking– I knew it was time to STOP what I was doing to myself.  I had even researched a local inpatient rehab center and thought I might need to go there in order to help me with this “problem.”

Leveling with the doctor, and being 100% honest about my “problem”  was one of the single handedly least effective things I have done in my life.  He told me that I didn’t belong at the inpatient center– that was for drug addicts (I think those were his exact words– and I know now that this is the most untrue of the untruths).  He told me that his office has a GREAT outpatient program at his office and to call their social worker for more information (he RAVED about this social worker).  

Problem #1 was that the social worker he referred me to no longer was working there.  Problem #2 is that once I DID reach a social worker (same building, different office), she would not let me join her program because I was still actively drinking.  Granted, I didn’t know HOW to stop and every phone call I made seemed to be a dead end. I knew that AA was out there, but honestly, everytime I thought about having to go to an AA meeting I would just start bawling.  

I spent the entire summer thinking that I was nothing but a failure and that no one could help me.  This was all very untrue–there is loads of help out there and shame on the doctors who are completely clueless when it comes to addiction.  

Towards the end of the fall I discovered podcasts that were centered around that taboo topic of sobriety.  As I listened to these stories some ideas became wildly clear to me. First off, it is OK and (somewhat normal) to go to an AA meeting (or another recovery meeting– there are many different options out there).  Secondly, there are SO many people out there who viewed their drinking as problematic and have stopped– people JUST LIKE ME. I instantly felt not so alone. I found a few Facebook groups to join that were recovery based. 

This opened up a whole new world to me.  In fact, as a person who was watching all this wonderfulness, but still not able to get there (I was still drinking at this point), it always reminded me of my favorite movie, The Wizard of Oz.  I was in black and white kansas and all of these sober people were in the land of Oz, enjoying a colorful and vivid life. I still did not know how to get there.  

I finally decided that I wanted it more than anything else in the world.  The first few days were HARD. It was abnormal and uncomfortable. On the 3rd day it was my late mom’s birthday and Anthony came home to me crying in the kitchen while making dinner.  He hugged me, thinking that I was crying about my mom. I was crying because I still had some boxed wine in the garage and I wanted it, SO fucking bad. I was crying over fucking poisoning myself– not my dear mom, and that haunts me to this day.  

When you make the decision to stop drinking, it’s not abnormal for the process to take a couple or even a few years.  I stopped for over 90 days in 2017 and for 127 days in 2018. I feel that this last time is probably my final time and that I am done with relapsing (God willing).  

The point of this long rambling post, overall, is for my own accountability.  We have a lot of summer parties coming up and I don’t want to get sucked into the cycle again– no matter how appealing it seems.  

Secondly, if you or someone you know needs help feel free to reach out to me.  I still hate the experience I had talking to my doctor– and still shocked and outraged that he was not able to give me ANY useful information with a matter so serious.  How can modern day doctors be so uninformed about such a huge issue in today’s society?  

Lastly, if you think you NEED a drink because of X, Y and Z, consider this:  Alcohol has the same chemical makeup as ethanol (gas). Not only is it truly a toxic poison that does a number on our body, but it affects our brain as well.  I’ve always considered myself an anxious person and was surprised when I noticed my anxiety go way down during sobriety– and for me to feel real joy. There is something beautiful about going through life day in and day out without the need to escape through alcohol.  

Overall, I have much less stress and have developed real coping mechanisms instead of reaching for an instant numbing agent.  If you are a drinker, I have nothing against it–or you, it is just not for ME. I’ve already had my lifetime allotment of it, so I will have to pass.

If are stuck in a cycle and are sick and tired of waking up sick and tired, give me a call ❤

The Four Agreements: Agreement 1 – Be Impeccable with your Word

I’m on the upswing of a minor funk, I can feel it.  I think getting out of my comfort zone by going to scout camp and then anxiously waiting for my little’s return kind of put me into a tailspin.

It’s Monday and I’m trying to plan my week so that I can be productive, happy and fulfilled.  I have my 3rd step meeting with Arlina on Thursday, so I have to do some step 3 reading and worksheet.   I also want to get out and walk today (it’s been forever).  Jules has been getting really sluggish on walks, so until we figure out what’s going on with his health, I need to find an inside workout regimen to stick to.  That or riding my bike– but I bought an ankle brace and now my foot is doing SO much better so I want to start running again– might be time to dust off my treadmill.  I also want to get back to the Lotus and the Lilly 30 day soul book, which I started way back in March.   SO much to do & all fun stuff too!!  OH and I need to go to a meeting.  I’m planning on going today and maybe 1 or 2 other days this week (they are conveniently every week day at noon and like a mile down the road– it doesn’t get any easier than that).

 

The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz 

Image result for the four agreements

I call the Four Agreements my life’s bible.  I strongly believe that the four simple principals promoted in the book can be used and applied to any situation.  This book has helped my anxiety with relating to others immensely and I want to write about my experience with applying the principals.

The first rule of this book is to be impeccable with your word.

While this seems fairly straight forward it takes on many subtle and profound aspects as you begin to practice. Very simply to be impeccable with your Word is to use your Word in the direction of love and truth. It’s not as simple as it sounds.

How we apply this agreement in practice can be complicated. For instance, suppose we have a good friend and are friends with their spouse as well. We’ve found out that the spouse is cheating on our friend. It is in the direction of truth to tell our friend that their partner is cheating on them. On the other hand delivering the message and facts is not very kind and loving and will hurt their feelings. It also might not be considered very respectful to inject our nose into the business of other people’s relationship. In these critical situations being impeccable with your word can appear to go either way.

You can create how you feel emotionally by generating emotions, and then you feel them. You can create dynamics of respect in relationship by being silent and listening attentively. You can create a different experience for your self and others by refraining from an emotional reaction. You create an income for your self by how well you express caring in the activity of your work. You create a different self image of your self by putting the power of your faith in a thought you have about your self. This can happen in a very subtle and almost passive way of just accepting what you think about your self as true.

You express in a multitude of ways through out the day and being impeccable with your Word applies to all of them.

Silence can be Impeccable

Silence is an expression. And sometimes silence and refrain says a lot more than words can. Your actions are a part of how you create. To hit someone doesn’t fall into the category of expressing your self in the direction of love and truth. To greet someone with a kiss on the cheek is an expression that says more than a thousand words can.

Your Fears go against your Self

To live with existing fears in your mind doesn’t fall into the category of being impeccable. Maintaining fears of public speaking, asking someone out on a date, or a fear of failing is not in the direction of love for your self. Keeping your self in fear is an ongoing expression in your own mind that causes you to hold back in your actions of love for your self and others. Fear is at the heart of NOT being impeccable.

To Be Impeccable with Your Word is not as simple as it sounds. When you explore the meaning of this agreement your understanding will expand. You will begin to pay attention to the smaller moments of the day. Thoughts that used to go unnoticed or passing comments that seemed to be no big deal before become significant. As you become aware of the subtle expressions of the day this agreement becomes more challenging than one originally thought.

To really master being impeccable will require that you heighten your awareness not just to the words you say, but also to the emotions you express, your attitude, your actions, and where you express the power of your belief. You will need to develop a discipline of mindfulness to be impeccable in these expressions through out the day.

To Be Impeccable with Your Word is an art requiring constant vigilance. It is not something that you can decide to do one day and master by the end of the week. The mastery of any art, like music, painting, or sculpture, requires practice. To master the way you express your emotions, actions, thoughts, beliefs, will take practice just like any other art. In the beginning it will be challenging to just learn the basic skills.

You too will let go of what you created in your life years ago, and work on bigger and better creations as you develop. Each day is an opportunity to create a new piece of art with your life. Last years art is already far behind you. Learn, grow, and develop your skills through your creations, but don’t let them define you as an artist.

When you apply the practice of doing your best to be impeccable you discover that it has incredible rewards. To express your self in the direction of truth and love allows you to create your life as a masterpiece of beauty.

To master being impeccable with your word will take many moments of practice. You will likely throw away many of your attempts as being clumsy and not what you want. But that is okay. For with each action and attempt, you improve as the artist of your life.

Be careful not to believe the judgments that are likely to come from that inner judge. Make a commitment to do your best everyday and it will help you avoid self judgments as you practice and improve. Remember that in the midst of all these expressions that the real art you are working on is your self and you are worth taking time for.


 

A few weeks ago, one of the teachers at my school came into my room to complain, she was visibly upset.  Our secretary, and older, very outspoken and sometimes downright rude individual, had bad mouthed her to another staff member.  One of the things that was so upsetting was that she was about to retire and had tried to make every aspect of this school year a positive “last” but this was a painful memory that she would remember for a long time and would cast a shadow on her retirement.

She basically came into my room to vent, because sometimes you just need a listening ear.  So I listened and sympathized.  This book came up in our conversation, as I knew this teacher has read it and so has our secretary.  The teacher told me that she was going to talk to her about what she said and how it affects the morale of the staff.  I suggested she recommends this book to her (athough I know she HAS read it– but isn’t applying the rules to herself..).

Sometimes when you are talking to someone who you are really close to, it’s easy to talk and (sometimes) giggle at other people.  I question myself ALL THE TIME.  The bonus is that most people that I’m close to has read this book, so they all know what I’m talking about when I start to scrutinize our actions (Are we being gossipy?  Am I being impeccable with my word?)   It most always promotes positive and productive conversations– and allows us to establish norms that are not going to spread poison.  In most cases the person and I either agree that, “Yes, we are being rude and judgy and it’s not helping anything so we need to stop” or “No, if he was here with us he would be laughing too, so we are laughing with him, it is ok.”

One last thing I want to say about being impeccable with your word.  I don’t (can’t) trust people who spend time talking about others behind their back.  It is Not. A. Good. Look.  If you’re talking about X, Y or Z behind their back, then I’m SURE you’re talking about ME behind my back.  Perfect example of this is my school secretary.  After you read this blog, you are going to think that she’s absolutely dreadful.  That is not the case, but she is a gossip.  Not in a mean way, more like a lovingly grandmotherly type of way.  BUT, while I love her, I generally keep my distance because I know that whatever I tell her is likely to come out, possibly in a distorted way.

I hope that you enjoyed reading about the first principal of The Four Agreements.

Summer Vacation and Scout Camp

Day 86 🙂

It’s Friday of the first week of summer break– although I don’t feel very well rested or accomplished.

My youngest is at his first year at Scout Camp.  I went up there on Monday and came home Wednesday night.  I. Was. Exhausted.  They really run the kids ragged.  I talked to him on the phone last night and while he’s having fun, he is SO ready to come home.  He’ll get home tomorrow around noon and I think he might sleep for two days.

It was a fun time and I got to get to know some of the adults and kids from the troop better.  It was sad going up to the camp, knowing that I was staying with a new group (I’d previously been to the camp with my oldest’s group), but it turned out well as I feel like I made some friends.  Will tried new things too, like climbing the rock wall.  He didn’t make it to the top to zip line down, but I’m super proud of him for trying.  He attended his classes, swam like crazy during free swim, played all of the travel games he brought and learned some new games.

Other than that, status quo here.  Took Jules in early this morning for his big (Cushins ) test.  I have to take him back at 11:15 and then again at 3:15 then wait for the results which will hopefully be in next week.  It’s the first sunny and hot day we’ve had in awhile.  I have some weeding and planting to and am looking forward to working in the hot sunshine.  Then maybe a dinner date with my oldest who has been surviving on frozen food all week.  It’s going to be a great day!

One last thing I do want to mention is that Betsy has been loud and persistent lately.  It’s early summer and I’ve been doing so good, I really don’t want another summer relapse.  She tries to make drinking seem so appealing, and it does sound nice at times.  I would love to have a few glasses of wine on the deck in the evening sun.  But all I have to do is follow the drink.  It would be fun.  But, I would wake up full of regrets.  I would have to turn my counter back, meaning, if I’m going to turn it back, I might as well drink tonight too.  It wouldn’t end there.  I would be back in that cycle as fast as lightning.  Getting out of that cycle gets harder and harder (I don’t know why this is, but it’s true for me and I’ve heard other people say the same thing).  I’m not sure that I have another recovery in me.  

With Betsy getting louder, I think it’s time to get my butt to some meetings.  I AM working the steps too.  As a side note, here is the step 1 work I did with Arlina on ODAAT Chat:

Step Work Call – Laura – Step 1

I hope you all have a great weekend!

 

 

Gratefulness

I wanted to write a quick update.  I spoke with the vet this morning and his urine/creatine ratio test is slightly elevated. SO it MIGHT be Cushings, it might not.  She is definitely thinking it’s something metabolic.  I mentioned kidney failure (thank you once again Dr. Google) and she said NO.  She said he is not in kidney failure and his kidney’s are FINE.  As of right now, he does not have many symptoms and is not uncomfortable, so while she wants to do a Cushings test and a Thyroid test, she said it is ok to wait until the end of the week after next.  The Cushings test is one where he has to go in for 3 blood draws all within 8 hours, so I’d rather wait until I’m done with school so I don’t have to leave him there for the day.  The week after we get out I’ll be spending part of up north going back and forth between our cottage and Will’s scout camp (where he will be for the whole week).  So, I do feel better.  I am kind of hoping it is his Thyroid, only because our previous dog was diagnosed with that and it was super easy to treat and he lived many years healthy past his diagnosis.

Other than that, things are the same.  I still don’t know whats going to happen with my SIL and her kids.  My mother and father in law brought them over to swim last night but we didn’t talk about anything.  The mood was very somber, we are all upset and confused.

Regardless of these situations, I’m feeling so grateful.  Grateful for summer, for this beautiful summer morning, grateful for homework as to better myself with a Master’s degree, grateful that we WILL get a long bike ride in today, grateful for the step work I am doing.

I can’t remember if I wrote about this or not, but there is this wonderful podcast called ODAAT chat.  The host, Arlina chose me as a volunteer to work on the steps with her.  MAN this couldn’t have come at a better time with being tested with stressful situations totally out of my control!  I completed step 1 and she interviewed me last week.  I’m working on step two and going to interview next week.   I am SO grateful for Arlina and her expertise and ability to work with right now!

Ok.  Better move onto my homework.  Going to work a little on step two and then my class work.  I’m on my deck in the sunshine and couldn’t think of a better office!

Peace and love ❤

All Apologies

It’s a hot day, my windows are down and I am doing 90 on the freeway. I’m on my way to pick up three teenagers from a school event.  Nirvana is blaring on the radio.

Only it’s not 2019, it’s 1993.  I’m in my 1986 Sunbird with the windows down and Nirvana cranked up.  I am on my way to Hungry Howies to work my evening shift.  I am 16 and life is pretty simple.  Normal 16 year old worries– but simple.

I’m 72 days sober today, and still learning how to handle my emotions.  Music helps and feeling like I’m in my 16 year old shoes is therapeutic.

This week has been a rough one.  On Monday, I had a follow up visit for my puppy who could have a serious medical problem.  I took him to my well respected friend veterinarian who I worked with for many years in my young adulthood.  She was optimistic and told me to bring in a first of the morning urine sample on Friday long after the stress of the vet visit is long gone.  She called this afternoon and left a message that his specific gravity is low (hello kidney failure) and that she was still waiting on the cortisol/creatine ratio test.  No answers, but lots of unanswered questions.  He’s a MUTT and only 5, aren’t they supposed to be healthy?

On Wednesday, my youngest had some day old bug bites that were looking nasty.  After a day of treating with OTC stuff, I decided to take him to Urgent Care for peace of mind and so that I didn’t have to miss work if he did need antibiotics.  Urgent Care didn’t give him anything and misdiagnosed him with impetigo– and we were there for a good two hours.  SO.. he got worse at school the next day, and I had to take a half-day off work to take him to his regular pediatrician.  He is doing much better, thank goodness– but it was a very frustrating couple of days.

Work has been more than irritating.  We have to have our rooms packed up (renovation) by midnight of the last day of school.  SO.. the last day that we have kids, we have to be all packed up simultaneously.  The stress is high and there has been way more adult drama than I can stand.  Hallelujah that next week is the last week!

Today took the cake.  My sister in law, the one who lost her kids last summer, and who was doing good at winning them back, really messed up.  She is cleared to get her kids back but needs her own place first (she’s currently living with her brother).  Her parents cosigned on a nice 3 bedroom trailer and she is set to move in next weekend.  CPS is going to keep an eye on her and if she drinks at all she loses them for good.

She got arrested last night for DUI.

I have no idea what is going to happen next.  Her parents are beside themselves about to have a nervous breakdown.  They’ve put a whole year on hold to help her, all for her kids and the chance for them to be with their mom.

I miss age 16.  I miss worrying about parties and boys and high school finals.

So, I’m sitting on my deck writing this, listening to Nirvana with the same angst I had at age 16.  Being sad, but being ok with it.

 

60 Days

Sixty days ago I woke up around 4:00 am in a puddle of piss– on school day no less.  I changed and went back to sleep on the couch, trying to sleep off my ginormous headache.

To say I was physically impaired the next day is an understatement, although that wasn’t even my biggest ailment.  The guilt and shame was far worse than the physical hangover.  I showered, but still felt as though I smelled of pee all day long.  Work was long, and awful and I was worried that my husband was going to leave me.  When he texted asking a simple question, I was sure he was done.

In reality, he is far more forgiving.  Despite the awful day, we had a nice evening. The weather was nice and we rode our bikes up to a local restaurant.  During dinner, I leveled with him, telling him that I have to stop drinking and have to dump out all of the alcohol around the house.

Maybe that horrible awful day was a blessing.  The final thing that made me finally realize that I cannot handle drinking.  The day I surrendered.  I AM powerless over alcohol– no doubt about it.

Fast forward to day 60.  I am much healthier and happier today.  I’ve had two other extended periods of sobriety (93 days in 2017 and 127 days in 2018), but this time has been my favorite yet.  I just know in my heart of hearts, that I can’t go back.  Even when my sister talks about visiting Michigan (she hasn’t been up here in about 3 years, maybe 4 I’m not sure) and we talk about going to a summer concert with the other sister (we haven’t all 3 been together in years), the first thing that I said is, “I can be the DD!”   The desire of drinking didn’t even cross my mind (and hopefully it will stay that way).  I thank God for this and pray that the strong will continues.  Before I could have easily used my visiting sister as an excuse to binge, one last time.

It is Sunday of Memorial Day weekend.  Yesterday we had GORGEOUS weather, but I don’t think we’ll be so lucky today and tomorrow.  It’s going to be much cooler and rainy.  Here are some pics of the weekend so far:

Nothing major, but all good things.  Yesterday I took my youngest to a couple specialty stores (Fresh Thyme for produce and Trader Joes).  Although he came grudgingly, he had a nice time picking out healthy and unhealthy vegan foods.  It is truly the simple things that can be so good in life.  I posted our dinner because it was plant based and delicious!  I DO love this way of eating and it makes my heart happy.

Happy Memorial Day, and thank you to all of the soldiers who make daily sacrifices for our freedom ❤

Pangs of Jealousy

I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I’ve written.  It’s been a crazy busy couple of weeks!  The weather is finally getting nice– I was surprised when walking out of work today that it was sunny and 80.  We’ve been adding water to the pool all week and tonight I think Anthony is going to hook up all of the hoses and filters– ALMOST pool time!!

Pool
It’s hard to believe that this pool will look inviting by the weekend!

Life is still pretty crazy all around.  Some of my close family members are fighting.  I offer support but try to avoid feeding into the negativity and try to make the rational ones see that the other’s are being irrational and to step away.  Most of them drink a lot and it’s hard sometimes when I’m talking to them over the phone and they are slurring their words.  Mostly I am just sad for them– but slightly envious of their escape route.  Not that envious though– as my life is really pretty great right now– mostly because I am strong and sober.

My puppy turned 5 yesterday.  It’s been a bittersweet week with him.  I had some blood work done last week as he’s been drinking a lot of water.  His liver is showing a problem so I had to catch and drop off a urine because they think he might have Cushing’s Disease.  Naturally, his urine showed that he might have it– so they have to do another test.  Internet research on this is scary.  It can be treated but the meds can make them very ill.  Meanwhile I have this little voice in my head that says that he is not going to live a long life and that his time with me was meant to be short.  I got him right after my mom died– all to help me through those dark days.  He and I have a very special bond and I am not nearly ready to lose him– yet I know I never will be even if he lives to 20.  Like everything else, one day at a time.

Happier topics– today is day 57.  Sobriety has always treated me well, but I’m especially loving it this time around.  It makes me sad to read so many posts on the internet about stress about not drinking this holiday weekend, at summer BBQ’s,  the beach, the summer. It’s all still not only great–but so much better without the toxic shit!  NOW, I understand that I have the best set of circumstances possible.  For one, I’m older than dirt.  When I say (and I say this all the time) that I’ve had a lifetime’s allowance of alcohol already, this is no exaggeration.  I may have had a couple of lifetime’s allotment, in all actuality.

For another thing, I am not routinely around drinkers.  Except maybe when we’re up at the cottage with my sister.  She drinks wine every night- but I was ok last year not partaking and enjoyed waking up bright and not hungover.  And I’ll be ok this year.  So I can appreciate that it might not be so easy– if you’re young or around drinking a lot– but sobriety still wins– hands down.

LaCroix coconut sparkling water in a wine glass feels like a special treat
Sparkling water in a wine glass is the perfect summer treat

I’m feeling confident that I am DONE with the toxic shit.  Waking up in a puddle of piss on a Thursday morning gave me enough shame to last a lifetime.  I NEVER want to put myself in the cycle again and risk being that out of it.

Snack
Took a break from blogging to help my little one eat a snack– yum! 

Another exciting thing is something I volunteered for.  I listen to a podcast called ODAAT Chat and the woman who produces it is so upbeat and great.  She asked for volunteers to work the steps and share out on her show.  I’m so happy to share that I got picked!  I’ve been meaning to work the steps for awhile now (It’s actually on my 2019 bucket list), so this will help move my butt into gear.  I am super excited and think that this could be a great opportunity for me to strengthen my sobriety even more.

Occasionally I have pangs of jealousy for normal drinkers.  Twice at work today, friends talked casually about having a glass of wine with friends on the patio– or going home and having a cold “blended” drink because she was on a field trip all day and totally hot and exhausted.

What I need to remind myself is that, these friends are normal drinkers.  One glass of wine on the patio has zero appeal to me.  I know that my drinking will never stop at one.  At least not without me being totally miserable.

That’s all I’ve got.  Life is good.  I love this time of year SO much.  I am so grateful for this life and my measly but hugely significant 57 days ❤

Weeding
Paying these goofballs to take care of this jungle I’ve been stressing over

 

Good Vibrations

I’ve been stuck in this low frequency/low vibration funk.   My family and I headed out to an animal sanctuary today, and on the long ride there I was able to raise my vibrations a bit.  I tried to think of everything possible to be grateful for, including the beautiful forest of trees we were passing and the ominous looking clouds that were producing rain necessary for life on earth.   Other than that, the ride was solemn.  We all had low vibrations and the cold rainy weather wasn’t helping.

The time we spent at the farm helped us all.  We were nudged and licked by pigs and cows and walked the large pastures filled with sheep and goats.  It was wonderful and I’m glad we made the trip– it was well worth it even with weather being as crappy as it was.

 

My kids learned even more about the cruelty of the animal industry.  They learned that dairy cows have their babies taken away right after they are born and cry for them for days.  They also learned that you can get in trouble for reporting abuse on factory farms (whistle blower law), but not for conducting the abuse.

I’m not writing this to convince anyone of anything.   My youngest eats mostly vegetarian or vegan, but my oldest does not.  He is a type 1 Diabetic and can eat meat and cheese without injecting himself with insulin–they are considered “free” snacks and I wouldn’t take that away from him.  Each person has their own journey, struggles, etc.  For me, avoiding animal products makes my heart happy.

Back to my low vibrations.  It’s a cycle and I can’t get out.  Oddly, it’s not unlike the dang drinking cycle I was stuck in for so many times over and over and over again!  I keep sending out low vibes and they keep coming right back to me!

BUT, I have a plan!  Getting your body moving is supposed to help raise your frequency, and I haven’t had the motivation or energy to work out for days (admittingly this fact is contributing to the cycle).

Tomorrow at 5am there’s 70% chance of rain.  I’m going to dress warm and go run in it.  Then I’m going to make fresh juice.  At work, I’m going to be mega productive.  I have 6 IEPs to piece together and run all within the next 8 days.  One is done, and two are started.  I’m going to work on them all simultaneously in phases.  This works well for my productivity and I’m going to be able to focus like a laser this week.

Quite honestly, having this plan alone is raising my frequency.  Also, if there’s any good in this, I consider it a bit of a stress test and haven’t entertained the thought of drinking whatsoever.  I know now that drinking is one sure fire way to SINK my vibrations– oh heck no I can’t handle them getting any lower!

So thank you, for listening.  Writing this helped.  Happy Day 46 ❤

For more information on SASHA Farm, visit:

https://www.sashafarm.org/