It is Monday morning, almost 9:00 am and has been a great day so far. I woke up at 6 and was out the door around 7 for a walk/slow jog. Afterwards I talked to my sisters while drinking coffee and now I’m about to get ready for some appointments. My youngest is still in Florida with his grandparents. My FIL was having some health issues so my hubby flew down there on Saturday so he can help drive them home. I don’t know when they’ll be home, hopefully by Thursday or Friday. I miss them SO much, especially my youngest who has been gone for what seems like forever! Last week I had little time to do my soul work and communicate with my soul. I was able to spend a lot of time on it over the weekend and so far the work has been profound. Here is from my journal:
I’ve been doing this 30 day soul program (The Lotus and the Lily, by Janet Conner) and have been stuck on forgiveness since last week. (Had some super profound things happen during this entire process). I actively forgave people in my life including myself. The book spends several days on forgiving yourself & I wondered if I was being 100% honest with myself. My book has a long forgiveness poem but it didn’t resonate with me so I decided to write my own. Days went by and I couldn’t think of how to write it or what to say.
The days leading up to yesterday (Saturday) were crazy & I was excited to finally have time to meditate, read & reflect.
My meditation session was uneventful except for feeling a strong pulse in my lower abdomen which was just strange.
Afterwards I sat by the pool by myself watching nature & thinking. Random thoughts or messages just came to me:
I still needed to forgive myself (and maybe also my hubby) for getting an abortion when our oldest was still a baby. My birth control pills were expired & I got pregnant. We were broke & overwhelmed. Although it’s bothered me throughout the years (I sometimes think there should be a middle one and that really does weigh on my heart).
Maybe telling hubby about my late period & him taking it good was to help me forgive him too. I didn’t plan on telling him before he left, but Saturday morning was so strange. Not long after I got up, I got a random message from the son of an old friend, Erin. I worked with Erin as a teenager/young adult and knowing her impacted my life in a great way. I was impressionable and she was almost like an idol to me. She had her own apartment, an awesome Jeep wrangler and was a workout guru (AKA BADASS). Unfortunately she died suddenly from cardiac arrest back in 2013 or 2014.
I told him stories and he seemed to enjoy them and expressed that he doesn’t remember much about his mom. As I talked to him & realized he doesn’t remember his mom that much my heart was so sad. I feel this plays a part. I’m too old for a baby & will die & he/she won’t know me? Or could be risky to my health – if something happened to me during the pregnancy Will would be the same age as Aiden when he lost his mom— can’t have that! Or maybe it’s to remind me that there are many kids without a mom and to help take care of those ones too.
After I realized that I’m holding onto the abortion I tried to let it go. To forgive myself, I thanked the anger for its lesson and gifts. I told it that I will never ever turn a child away in need- this is what I interpret to be the lesson. I told it to be gone and that it’s free.
I knew I would start my period now. I even texted it to my sister. Sure enough that night I started.
Oddly, a few hours later I had some time & didn’t want to forget any of these thoughts so I wrote down everything from yesterday. At the very end when I was all done random thoughts just spilled onto the page without thinking much about it. Those thoughts are now that forgiveness poem/prayer I put off writing all week.
I have my work cut out for me this week. It is quiet around here, and I’m grateful for the time and space to soul search.
I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I was really frightened when I thought I might be pregnant. But this scare went on for a good two weeks and towards the end I was pretty sure I was on like week 5 and having implantation bleeding. When that started I really started to think and then calculated a due date. I would be due in May– which is actually pretty perfect! I got really excited.
In the book/program that I’m doing, this is the final week and it is a week of setting intentions. This is perfect timing. I really need to figure out what this all means and what my intentions for the future really are. It’s a terrifying prospect for me, actually, which makes me think this week might take longer than a week to get through.
This week I will nourish my body, medidate, move my body, read, write, but most importantly, I will listen to my soul.