Soul Work

It is Monday morning, almost 9:00 am and has been a great day so far.  I woke up at 6 and was out the door around 7 for a walk/slow jog.  Afterwards I talked to my sisters while drinking coffee and now I’m about to get ready for some appointments.  My youngest is still in Florida with his grandparents.  My FIL was having some health issues so my hubby flew down there on Saturday so he can help drive them home.  I don’t know when they’ll be home, hopefully by Thursday or Friday. I miss them SO much, especially my youngest who has been gone for what seems like forever!  Last week I had little time to do my soul work and communicate with my soul.  I was able to spend a lot of time on it over the weekend and so far the work has been profound.  Here is from my journal:

I’ve been doing this 30 day soul program (The Lotus and the Lily, by Janet Conner) and have been stuck on forgiveness since last week. (Had some super profound things happen during this entire process). I actively forgave people in my life including myself. The book spends several days on forgiving yourself & I wondered if I was being 100% honest with myself. My book has a long forgiveness poem but it didn’t resonate with me so I decided to write my own. Days went by and I couldn’t think of how to write it or what to say.

The days leading up to yesterday (Saturday) were crazy & I was excited to finally have time to meditate, read & reflect.

My meditation session was uneventful except for feeling a strong pulse in my lower abdomen which was just strange.

Afterwards I sat by the pool by myself watching nature & thinking. Random thoughts or messages just came to me:

I still needed to forgive myself (and maybe also my hubby) for getting an abortion when our oldest was still a baby. My birth control pills were expired & I got pregnant. We were broke & overwhelmed. Although it’s bothered me throughout the years (I sometimes think there should be a middle one and that really does weigh on my heart).

Maybe telling hubby about my late period & him taking it good was to help me forgive him too.  I didn’t plan on telling him before he left, but Saturday morning was so strange.  Not long after I got up, I got a random message from the son of an old friend, Erin. I worked with Erin as a teenager/young adult and knowing her impacted my life in a great way.  I was impressionable and she was almost like an idol to me. She had her own apartment, an awesome Jeep wrangler and was a workout guru (AKA BADASS).  Unfortunately she died suddenly from cardiac arrest back in 2013 or 2014. 

I told him stories and he seemed to enjoy them and expressed that he doesn’t remember much about his mom.  As I talked to him & realized he doesn’t remember his mom that much my heart was so sad. I feel this plays a part. I’m too old for a baby & will die & he/she won’t know me? Or could be risky to my health – if something happened to me during the pregnancy Will would be the same age as Aiden when he lost his mom— can’t have that! Or maybe it’s to remind me that there are many kids without a mom and to help take care of those ones too.

After I realized that I’m holding onto the abortion I tried to let it go. To forgive myself, I thanked the anger for its lesson and gifts. I told it that I will never ever turn a child away in need- this is what I interpret to be the lesson. I told it to be gone and that it’s free.

I knew I would start my period now.  I even texted it to my sister.  Sure enough that night I started.  

Oddly, a few hours later I had some time & didn’t want to forget any of these thoughts so I wrote down everything from yesterday. At the very end when I was all done random thoughts just spilled onto the page without thinking much about it. Those thoughts are now that forgiveness poem/prayer I put off writing all week.

 

I have my work cut out for me this week.  It is quiet around here, and I’m grateful for the time and space to soul search.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I was really frightened when I thought I might be pregnant.  But this scare went on for a good two weeks and towards the end I was pretty sure I was on like week 5 and having implantation bleeding.  When that started I really started to think and then calculated a due date. I would be due in May– which is actually pretty perfect!   I got really excited.

In the book/program that I’m doing, this is the final week and it is a week of setting intentions.  This is perfect timing.  I really need to figure out what this all means and what my intentions for the future really are.  It’s a terrifying prospect for me, actually, which makes me think this week might take longer than a week to get through.

This week I will nourish my body, medidate, move my body, read, write, but most importantly, I will listen to my soul. 

sOUL

The Four Agreements: Agreement 2 – Don’t take anything personally.

This is my favorite chapter and the most powerful, for me.  Don’t. Take. Anything. Personally.  How can we not?  Someone yells out their pickup truck window, “Hey fatass, why don’t you pick up your pace?”   Your best friend lies to you goes out with another friend after cancelling plans.  Your boss yells at you for something that is commonly known to be done by all, how can we not take these things personally?  Furthermore, when these things happen we are left wondering what we could have and should have done differently.

I used to always think that people were mad at me.  I’d see some of my siblings together on social media and quickly wonder why I wasn’t invited and then immediately assume it’s because I am annoying or that someone is angry with me.  Those thoughts would stay with me for the entire day and sometimes longer.

What people think of you is none of your business

This is the first thing that I read that opened the door to this concept. Below is a powerful excerpt from this chapter:

“Nothing other people do is because of you.  It is because of themselves.  All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in.  When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.  

Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you.  What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds.  Thier point of view comes from all of the programming they received during domestication.  

If someone gives you an opinion and says, “Hey, you look so fat.” don’t take it personally, because the truth is that this person is dealing with his or her own feelings, beliefs and opinions.  That person tried to send poison to you and if you take it personally, then you take that poison and it becomes yours.  Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians.  They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up.  

You eat all their emotional garbage, and now it becomes your garbage.  But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell.  Immunity to poison in the middle of hell is the gift of this agreement.”

I can apply this entire chapter to many different aspects of my life and can see now why I have certain preferences.  For example, I work with 2 women who I tend to steer clear of, and which is no fault of theirs. They both remind me of two people in my extended family that I do not care for, and therefore do not care to socialize with these women if I can help it.  I can see why they would be hurt if they knew that I was avoiding them– but what they need to know is that me avoiding them has nothing to do with them (well except for reminding me of family).

Remember how I said that I used to worry about people being mad at me– or not liking me?  Well, that used to create an enormous conflict in my mind.  I’m thinking that they’re mad at me (WHO is they anyway??) but at the same time I knew I did nothing wrong, so my mind is confused, conflicted and just feels really icky.  Realizing that their actions (and thoughts and words) has nothing to do with me has been so eye opening and powerful for my state of mind.

As I practice this way of thinking, I can see myself getting better at worrying about myself instead of everyone else.  I can also see myself identifying times when the old me would be offended, and realizing the truth of a situation.

For example, during the school year I heard something that made me feel really angry.  One of the teachers I work with blew up at a grade level meeting with my principal and griped about students being pulled from class too much.  I was furious, and took it very personally because I had continuously met with this teacher throughout the year to try to make this situation better.  After I heard this, I had a strong desire to send a nasty email or go down to her classroom and give her an earful, after all, I was livid.  But I had a large group of students for the next hour and had to try to focus on the lesson I was teaching.  After the group left, I had a break and finally had some time to process what I had heard that made me so mad.  Once I thought about it rationally, I realized that this teacher and this situation had NOTHING to do with me.  For real.  Students get pulled from her class all the time, from many different adults, not just me.  For me to get so angry and immediately assume that it was about me was selfish and stupid.  My mistake was hearing something disturbing and not having time to process it before getting upset.  This is going to happen at times, we don’t always hear things at the most optimal times.  A good rule of thumb is to wait 24 hours when angry before confronting someone.

I can name countless other examples from my life, or even things that I see on social media.  In fact, I am recommending this book all the time because I’m constantly seeing situations that are nonsense and could be remedied by living the principles of this book.

I hope this was informative and helps you start thinking about how you may take things personally and how it might affect you ❤

 

Good Vibrations

I’ve been stuck in this low frequency/low vibration funk.   My family and I headed out to an animal sanctuary today, and on the long ride there I was able to raise my vibrations a bit.  I tried to think of everything possible to be grateful for, including the beautiful forest of trees we were passing and the ominous looking clouds that were producing rain necessary for life on earth.   Other than that, the ride was solemn.  We all had low vibrations and the cold rainy weather wasn’t helping.

The time we spent at the farm helped us all.  We were nudged and licked by pigs and cows and walked the large pastures filled with sheep and goats.  It was wonderful and I’m glad we made the trip– it was well worth it even with weather being as crappy as it was.

 

My kids learned even more about the cruelty of the animal industry.  They learned that dairy cows have their babies taken away right after they are born and cry for them for days.  They also learned that you can get in trouble for reporting abuse on factory farms (whistle blower law), but not for conducting the abuse.

I’m not writing this to convince anyone of anything.   My youngest eats mostly vegetarian or vegan, but my oldest does not.  He is a type 1 Diabetic and can eat meat and cheese without injecting himself with insulin–they are considered “free” snacks and I wouldn’t take that away from him.  Each person has their own journey, struggles, etc.  For me, avoiding animal products makes my heart happy.

Back to my low vibrations.  It’s a cycle and I can’t get out.  Oddly, it’s not unlike the dang drinking cycle I was stuck in for so many times over and over and over again!  I keep sending out low vibes and they keep coming right back to me!

BUT, I have a plan!  Getting your body moving is supposed to help raise your frequency, and I haven’t had the motivation or energy to work out for days (admittingly this fact is contributing to the cycle).

Tomorrow at 5am there’s 70% chance of rain.  I’m going to dress warm and go run in it.  Then I’m going to make fresh juice.  At work, I’m going to be mega productive.  I have 6 IEPs to piece together and run all within the next 8 days.  One is done, and two are started.  I’m going to work on them all simultaneously in phases.  This works well for my productivity and I’m going to be able to focus like a laser this week.

Quite honestly, having this plan alone is raising my frequency.  Also, if there’s any good in this, I consider it a bit of a stress test and haven’t entertained the thought of drinking whatsoever.  I know now that drinking is one sure fire way to SINK my vibrations– oh heck no I can’t handle them getting any lower!

So thank you, for listening.  Writing this helped.  Happy Day 46 ❤

For more information on SASHA Farm, visit:

https://www.sashafarm.org/

 

On the 12th Day…

Back to the grind today! Monday is especially brutal after a week off, but I made it in! Didn’t get up early to walk/run, and I did not do my ritual this morning either. BUT.. I made it to work and had time for a shower, so that’s something right?

I’m reading an awesome soul book. It’s called The Lotus and the Lily: Access the Wisdom of Buddha and Jesus to Nourish Your Beautiful, Abundant Life. It’s a 30 day guide that ends with making a mandala of all good things I want to come into my life. Day 5 is creating a ritual to be done at the same time each day. I have a candle to light, holy water to sprinkle on me, a prayer to say (that’s day 6) and planned to meditate for at least 5 minutes. BUT.. it all went out the window this morning. I was exhausted and didn’t have any energy to do anything extra. Tomorrow’s gonna be my day, gonna get up at 5:00 am and walk/run AND do the ritual. We went on a 10 mile bike ride yesterday, plus I walked for 30 mins so I figured it would be good to let my body rest anyways.

Work today has been good, but really I’m terribly tired and my back aches. Could be some PAWS happening also, it usually hits me bad at about 2-4 weeks.

Still not drinking and feeling SO grateful every day for this drive to stop. It’s strong this time, I’ve had a few situations pop up where I’ve thought about drinking (like an impromptu birthday party with the in laws at my house where I knew I’d have to listen to GOBS of complaining) but it was easy to ward off those thoughts because I DO NOT want a repeat of 12 days ago.

Ok, that’s all ❤ ❤ ❤

Diabetes Fun

I am not always proud of my parenting skills– I think that is normal and to be expected. Sometimes I lose my temper, or don’t follow through with things.. But I am doing the best that I can and at the end of the day my boys know that they are loved.

Having a child with a chronic illness can be extra challenging sometimes. Our son was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when he was 13 years old. We were extremely lucky. His symptoms were found at a wellness visit and we were directed to the closest children’s hospital. We stayed for 3 days to get educated and we were well taken care of. Most of it seemed more like a hotel stay than being at the hospital. The Detroit Symphony Orchestra even came to the children’s floor to give a private concert. He wasn’t sick, he wasn’t in pain and while the diagnosis was a shock, I was completely grateful that he had an illness that could be completely controlled.

In the 2 years and 3 months that we’ve lived with diabetes, I think we’ve done just fine. It’s not always easy and we make mistakes, but we are doing the best that we can. And I am grateful that at age 15 he basically manages his diabetes without much help from us.

We have to get checkups every 3 months and they test his blood to see if his A1C has gone up or down or stayed the same. The lower the A1C, means his average blood sugar levels are ideal– so the goal is never to have an increased A1C.

Our drives to the hospital are sometimes stressful. He isn’t great about keeping his log updated (we religiously updated it that first year and constantly sent it to the hospital for them to monitor his numbers, but that becomes less necessary as time goes on and he’s able to change doses to meet his needs). So the drive can include me prodding him to backchecking his glucometer to update the log- plus me stressing to get him back to school- or home in time for the little one, etc. On my less than proud moments I might spend the drive lecturing him about high numbers he didn’t tell me about or not taking insulin BEFORE he eats.

Yesterday was our 3 month checkup. I picked him up from school and we had a nice drive. He played his favorite song (Africa, Toto) over and over again. I asked him how he thinks he’s doing. His response was surprising. “Not good at all. I’m always between 2 and 300 and I should have increased my Lantus (long acting insulin) dose. I don’t even know why I didn’t think of it until now. Yeah, this is not going good.”

Boy.

You are managing a disease that even adults have a tough time with. Pretty much, On. Your. Own. He never ceases to amaze me and is one of my personal heroes.

I spent the rest of the drive reminding him of all of the things that he IS doing well. Plus, he’s still alive. HUGE bonus since he has a total nonworking pancreas and must do all of the work himself, manually, at every single meal.

Our visit was fine, although his A1C went up. They didn’t yell at us, but gave us some tips for lowering it. I have a feeling that our conversation in the car will help motivate him to stay on track more so than if I had yelled and berated him.

Yep, I’m not always proud of my parenting, but I feel like yesterday was a win. I’m going to remember to do more talking and less yelling and lecturing ❤