Pangs of Jealousy

I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I’ve written.  It’s been a crazy busy couple of weeks!  The weather is finally getting nice– I was surprised when walking out of work today that it was sunny and 80.  We’ve been adding water to the pool all week and tonight I think Anthony is going to hook up all of the hoses and filters– ALMOST pool time!!

Pool
It’s hard to believe that this pool will look inviting by the weekend!

Life is still pretty crazy all around.  Some of my close family members are fighting.  I offer support but try to avoid feeding into the negativity and try to make the rational ones see that the other’s are being irrational and to step away.  Most of them drink a lot and it’s hard sometimes when I’m talking to them over the phone and they are slurring their words.  Mostly I am just sad for them– but slightly envious of their escape route.  Not that envious though– as my life is really pretty great right now– mostly because I am strong and sober.

My puppy turned 5 yesterday.  It’s been a bittersweet week with him.  I had some blood work done last week as he’s been drinking a lot of water.  His liver is showing a problem so I had to catch and drop off a urine because they think he might have Cushing’s Disease.  Naturally, his urine showed that he might have it– so they have to do another test.  Internet research on this is scary.  It can be treated but the meds can make them very ill.  Meanwhile I have this little voice in my head that says that he is not going to live a long life and that his time with me was meant to be short.  I got him right after my mom died– all to help me through those dark days.  He and I have a very special bond and I am not nearly ready to lose him– yet I know I never will be even if he lives to 20.  Like everything else, one day at a time.

Happier topics– today is day 57.  Sobriety has always treated me well, but I’m especially loving it this time around.  It makes me sad to read so many posts on the internet about stress about not drinking this holiday weekend, at summer BBQ’s,  the beach, the summer. It’s all still not only great–but so much better without the toxic shit!  NOW, I understand that I have the best set of circumstances possible.  For one, I’m older than dirt.  When I say (and I say this all the time) that I’ve had a lifetime’s allowance of alcohol already, this is no exaggeration.  I may have had a couple of lifetime’s allotment, in all actuality.

For another thing, I am not routinely around drinkers.  Except maybe when we’re up at the cottage with my sister.  She drinks wine every night- but I was ok last year not partaking and enjoyed waking up bright and not hungover.  And I’ll be ok this year.  So I can appreciate that it might not be so easy– if you’re young or around drinking a lot– but sobriety still wins– hands down.

LaCroix coconut sparkling water in a wine glass feels like a special treat
Sparkling water in a wine glass is the perfect summer treat

I’m feeling confident that I am DONE with the toxic shit.  Waking up in a puddle of piss on a Thursday morning gave me enough shame to last a lifetime.  I NEVER want to put myself in the cycle again and risk being that out of it.

Snack
Took a break from blogging to help my little one eat a snack– yum! 

Another exciting thing is something I volunteered for.  I listen to a podcast called ODAAT Chat and the woman who produces it is so upbeat and great.  She asked for volunteers to work the steps and share out on her show.  I’m so happy to share that I got picked!  I’ve been meaning to work the steps for awhile now (It’s actually on my 2019 bucket list), so this will help move my butt into gear.  I am super excited and think that this could be a great opportunity for me to strengthen my sobriety even more.

Occasionally I have pangs of jealousy for normal drinkers.  Twice at work today, friends talked casually about having a glass of wine with friends on the patio– or going home and having a cold “blended” drink because she was on a field trip all day and totally hot and exhausted.

What I need to remind myself is that, these friends are normal drinkers.  One glass of wine on the patio has zero appeal to me.  I know that my drinking will never stop at one.  At least not without me being totally miserable.

That’s all I’ve got.  Life is good.  I love this time of year SO much.  I am so grateful for this life and my measly but hugely significant 57 days ❤

Weeding
Paying these goofballs to take care of this jungle I’ve been stressing over

 

Good Vibrations

I’ve been stuck in this low frequency/low vibration funk.   My family and I headed out to an animal sanctuary today, and on the long ride there I was able to raise my vibrations a bit.  I tried to think of everything possible to be grateful for, including the beautiful forest of trees we were passing and the ominous looking clouds that were producing rain necessary for life on earth.   Other than that, the ride was solemn.  We all had low vibrations and the cold rainy weather wasn’t helping.

The time we spent at the farm helped us all.  We were nudged and licked by pigs and cows and walked the large pastures filled with sheep and goats.  It was wonderful and I’m glad we made the trip– it was well worth it even with weather being as crappy as it was.

 

My kids learned even more about the cruelty of the animal industry.  They learned that dairy cows have their babies taken away right after they are born and cry for them for days.  They also learned that you can get in trouble for reporting abuse on factory farms (whistle blower law), but not for conducting the abuse.

I’m not writing this to convince anyone of anything.   My youngest eats mostly vegetarian or vegan, but my oldest does not.  He is a type 1 Diabetic and can eat meat and cheese without injecting himself with insulin–they are considered “free” snacks and I wouldn’t take that away from him.  Each person has their own journey, struggles, etc.  For me, avoiding animal products makes my heart happy.

Back to my low vibrations.  It’s a cycle and I can’t get out.  Oddly, it’s not unlike the dang drinking cycle I was stuck in for so many times over and over and over again!  I keep sending out low vibes and they keep coming right back to me!

BUT, I have a plan!  Getting your body moving is supposed to help raise your frequency, and I haven’t had the motivation or energy to work out for days (admittingly this fact is contributing to the cycle).

Tomorrow at 5am there’s 70% chance of rain.  I’m going to dress warm and go run in it.  Then I’m going to make fresh juice.  At work, I’m going to be mega productive.  I have 6 IEPs to piece together and run all within the next 8 days.  One is done, and two are started.  I’m going to work on them all simultaneously in phases.  This works well for my productivity and I’m going to be able to focus like a laser this week.

Quite honestly, having this plan alone is raising my frequency.  Also, if there’s any good in this, I consider it a bit of a stress test and haven’t entertained the thought of drinking whatsoever.  I know now that drinking is one sure fire way to SINK my vibrations– oh heck no I can’t handle them getting any lower!

So thank you, for listening.  Writing this helped.  Happy Day 46 ❤

For more information on SASHA Farm, visit:

https://www.sashafarm.org/

 

This Too Shall Pass

This too shall pass. 

I feel like I’ve been saying this for weeks.

My intention was to write a positive post tonight.  After all, it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow and my boys and I are going to the Sasha Farm Sanctuary to learn about the cruelty of factory farms, to cuddle some farm animals and to eat some yummy vegan food.

It’s been a really gross week.

My sister has been going through turbulent times with her boyfriend, who is also the father of her 5 year old daughter.  He did something no one could have predicted and completely snapped Tuesday night.  While my sister and niece were sleeping he set the house on fire.  The fire alarms were turned off, but somehow my sister woke up and navigated her and my niece out through the smoke.

I really liked him.  I am so sad for my sister and niece, who will likely never see her father again.  And we are mourning the loss of him– because no matter what he can and will never be a part of the family again.

So I’ve been feeling in a funk since.  And the weather here totally sucks– cold and rainy, nearly every single day.  And work has been stressful– with testing and teachers stressed because I can’t do all of the things I normally do- all due to these USELESS state mandated tests.  They are completely inappropriate for our students and so incredibly time consuming for everyone.

I started to feel positive this evening when I declared to my beef wanting nachos teenager, “I can’t buy beef.”  I used to cook us separate meals (me vegetarian, them with real meat), but recently told them I was no longer cooking meat– but they are welcome to cook it.   After digging deeper into veganism, I realize that everytime I buy meat, eggs or dairy, I am supporting a very cruel industry.  I. Just. Can’t.  I put in a grocery order tonight, but I told my family, “You are welcome to buy and cook meat, but I can’t support that.”

My positivity was drained quickly when hubby came in from mowing the lawn.  He has been upset at our new neighbors for mowing part of our yard and not on the lot line.  I think he said something to him before, but he continues to cut on our side.  Well, it wasn’t a pleasant conversation tonight and I feel like he just waged war on our next door neighbors.  I can’t tell you how icky this makes me feel inside!  And kind of irritated with hubby– WHY does he have to create such a conflict?  UGH– I just feel so gross about it.  I want to write them a peace letter.  I also want them to stay on their side.

It’s Saturday night, and I wish I could feel the joy of having a free night with a day to sleep in tomorrow and exciting fun day to look forward.  All this darkness is casting a shadow on all the good things.  My vibrations right now are so low, I know this will only cause low vibrations to come back to me and cause more friction.

I’m trying to just breathe, because this too shall pass.

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Evil Dr. Google

Day 40 – It was a long Monday, filled with testing and feeling exhausted.  I’m not sure why I’m so fatigued– I’ve been eating a lot cleaner maybe my body is detoxing– or maybe it’s something else.

I hate hate hate Dr. Google right now.  I spent a good part of my Sunday being overjoyed at the results of my recent blood work.  I’ve been eating vegetarian for many weeks now and now am eating mostly vegan.

I read books and have gone to lectures that promote a plant based diet for good health.  While I believe all of that, there’s always a small voice inside me that questions it.  ONLY because I have an autoimmune disease and many people find success with controlling it with things like a paleo (meat) diet, a diet heavy in organ meats (YUCK) and bone broth.  So naturally, while my mind and conscious feel better eating this way, there’s always the question, “Am I making my condition worse?”

Well, number one:  My bloodwork showed my Uric Acid is slightly on the high side.  This would support Dr. Tent’s diagnosis of Gout.  It makes sense that crystals form and move around in my feet–probably why my pain moves around.  So I looked up how to lower your Uric Acid and it said to avoid the following foods:

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Well look at that!  I don’t eat ANY of those, hooray!!!!

Secondly, my B12 levels are HIGH.  Mine are 1751, and normal is 200-900.  B12 is something you need to worry about when not consuming animals, so this was nice to see.

I took this as a sign from the Universe that I was on the right path and all is well.  It provided me an immense amount of comfort, as I said before that little voice was always questioning this way of eating.  And another great thing, is that after recently putting on almost 10 pounds, in the past couple weeks that I’ve been eating cleaner and running harder, I lost almost all of that.  I was SO excited about my health.

Enter, Dr. Google….

Mid morning today, I decided to see what to do/what it means when you have a high B12 level.

I did not get the answer I expected.   Liver damage, kidney damage, leukemia and a few other weird (but fatal) diseases could cause your B12 level to be high.

Say What?????

Well, all my chemistries (BUN, CREATINE, ETC) were normal, so I’m assuming my kidneys and liver is ok.

So, it’s official.  I am dying.  My fatigue and weight loss make sense now.

I mean, I’m a little comforted by the fact that when my rhuemy called me to give me results she said all was fine except low iron stores and slight anemia (I sometimes need iron infusions).  So SHE wasn’t alarmed.  But, I don’t trust her to pick up on things.  Like she knows I have horrible pain in my feet, you think she would have seen my Uric Acid and told me to try to lower it with my diet.

So..  I printed all of my results after work and emailed them to my hematologist (who manages my iron/anemia) and stated that I was concerned about the high B12.

And so I wait.  And worry.

I hate you Dr. Google!

—————————————————UPDATE————————————————–

It looks as though I might not be dying after all! Spoke with the nurse at the hematologist’s office.   They are not concerned with the B12 level.  I will stop my supplement and get 2 iron infusions one week apart.  My appointment with the hematologist will be a month after my last iron infusion and she will check my B12 levels.  She did not see any reason to be concerned though.  Furthermore, I read that low B2 can cause the B12 levels to be high.  I have several symptoms of low B2, so I’m going to try to eat more B2 rich foods.   That is all!!!  I didn’t want anyone to lose sleep over my predicament 😛

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So Many Blessings

I am filled with so much gratitude after this weekend ❤ ❤ ❤   I’ve been studying the law of attraction for the past few weeks and think that there is a lot of truth to it.  I believe that the vibrations you send out attract like vibrations that come right back to you.

To top it off, I think I’ve started to experience the “Pink Cloud.”

In case you don’t know, the pink cloud in addiction is a term used to describe a curious phenomenon in one’s recovery odyssey. It means to be high on life. Many people after detox feel too good about their recovery as they’re finally able to see the real world.

In my car, driving in the sun, with the music blasting, all weekend…. permagrin— JUST joyous and happy feelings.

Friday night was lovely.  Hubby mowed while my oldest son and I went to grab dinner and snacks.  I got a delicious new drink and had a truly “happy” happy hour sipping it outside.  It’s the little things 🙂

pop

Saturday was even better.   We started it out with a friendly family game in the morning.  My youngest wanted to play (which is totally rare so we jumped at the opportunity).   Cards are always a fun way to start and end the day 🙂

skipbo

Next, a local business that I follow on Facebook shared that if you text SPRING to a number, you get a coupon for Lowes that is anywhere from $5-$500.  I tried it and got a $100 coupon!  We went later and had a lovely lunch date, then got a fire top for our table at Lowes.  It was $136 so we got it for $36.  SCORE!  After Lowes we hit a local Goodwill that I had never been to.  I spent quite a bit of time looking at books but really found some treasures (if I haven’t mentioned it before, I have a hard core book addiction..).

To top off this wonderful day, Jules and I went to my favorite park by the river and walk/ran 4 miles.  I ran a 15 minute mile which I haven’t done in like a year (I am a sloth).  It was wonderful to run through the trails and be with nature.  Gosh I love springtime!!

Sunday was a fabulous day too.  I had booked a complimentary mini facial at Aveda and makeup demo. The facial was awesome.  When it was time for the make up I told her I don’t wear much and like natural colors.  I wasn’t completely happy with the results, and thought I looked like a drag queen.  It was ok though, I had to use the restroom, but there was a few little boys using the women’s (I know this because they didn’t lock the door and I walked in on them– OOPS) so I used the mens. Sorry, but I couldn’t hold it for another second and now we can use whatever bathroom we want, plus I looked like a tranny anyways– so it was fine.  On a side note, when I got home and my boys saw me, they laughed.  It’s ok, I laughed too.

After Aveda, I went to Vegfest.  Vegfest is a vegan festival with vendors, lectures, speakers and food.  The last time I went, I went with my hubby.  I went alone today and it was nice to do what I want and not have to worry about anyone.  I bought some excellent books (most were only $5!) and met Alicia Silverstone.  I had a jackfruit sandwich that was to die for.  I’ve been strictly vegetarian (mostly vegan) for several weeks now and think I’m ready to take the plunge into sole veganism.

My book addiction was very well fed this weekend

After Vegfest I came home to some family over (brother in law, nephew, other sister and brother in law and niece).  It was nice, they played croquet while my SIL and I chatted by the fire top table and listened to music.  Also, it was supposed to snow like 3-4 inches last night (we were all dreading it) but it ended up just raining.  So, no snow today and it ended up being a warm sunny day that was such an unexpected treat.

Lastly, hubby and I went for a short bike ride.  We usually go around 10 miles and it’s like an hour workout.  We only went about 4, but it was so nice to get out there.  The perfect end to the perfect weekend!

So now it’s Sunday night almost 9:30 pm and I’m still wound up and reeling over all of the excitement.  I hope I can sleep at a decent hour, I really want to get up early to work out tomorrow.  Can’t think of a better way to start my Monday!

C’est la belle vie ❤ ❤ ❤

Purdy Thirty

It’s 10:20 on a Friday night and it’s been an EXHAUSTING week, so imma make this short.

Today is Day 30 🙂 🙂 🙂

I feel happy all over about this and I don’t have any desire to drink.

Tonight Hubby asked me if I wanted to go on the Boy Scout camping trip next weekend to Putnam Bay in Ohio.

B.S. (Before Sobriety) my answer would have been a quick “No.”  Boy Scouts prohibits the use of alcohol.  No way in hell would I subject myself to a weekend with no alcohol (B.S. alcohol was a necessity EVERY night– especially on the weekend).

All that time missed with my family, when I chose alcohol over them.

I won’t dwell, it’s the past and I let it go.  I CAN change the future and make happier path.  THIS feels right, and I feel optimistic.

So, instead of a hard, “No.”  I say, “Where are we staying?  What will we be doing?  Where is that at?”  After getting those answers, MY answer is easy, “YEAH I want to go with you guys!”

THIS is living.  Participating in life instead of sitting on the sidelines getting wasted.  Joyous.

If you haven’t started living again yet, I invite you to try it.  You may feel slightly like a kid again.

I feel like a kid tonight who has OD’ed on sugar with too much coke and jelly beans.

Now I’m getting the urge to wake up early tomorrow morning to binge watch cartoons ❤

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Easter 2019

I’m going to make this quick because it’s already almost 11 am and I need to work on my final project for my class that I’ve been putting off ALL weekend.  I wanted to get up super early today to work on it, but couldn’t sleep till after 3am, therefore I slept in until 9. I knew I should have gotten up around 3 am and got it done, I’m not too old for an all nighter, right?

It IS Easter Sunday, but not really a significant day to me– other than we filled baskets for the boys and hid them, and colored eggs yesterday for the Easter Bunny to hide.  Other than that, I just have a lot of things to do today, mainly from slacking all weekend.

It is going to be warm today, almost 70 warm degrees. I want to go with hubby and the dog to that state park that I love by the river.  I can’t wait to walk in the afternoon warm sunshine.

I went to Tractor Supply yesterday and bought a seed starter set and a bunch of seeds.  I’m going to set up my flimsy greenhouse later and plant my seeds.  Garden season is quickly approaching 🙂

I want to get my house picked up but am SO excited because I have a lady coming tomorrow to quote me on cleaning my house.  If I like what she says she can come back on Wednesday and do a deep cleaning.  I’ve had people clean before and am really picky, so I’m kind of skeptical but we’ll see.

I have an IEP on Thursday that I haven’t even started.  I was going to do that this weekend, but will probably just work on it during prep/evenings this week.  The good in this is that this was a volatile meeting last year with an advocate.  The parents fought hard to get this child special education services (she initially did not qualify through the school’s evaluation, so the parents paid for an outside evaluations, which pretty much always qualify kids– they tell parents whatever they want to hear).  So, that was my first experience with the parents (father is lawyer and has been known to be rude to our staff).  One year later and the child has done tremendously well, I have a great relationship with the family, and they do not feel the need to bring the advocate to her meeting (the advocate they use is well known and notorious for being a huge asshole to school personnel).   It’s still a little nerve racking, but I’m thankful to have a good relationship with the parents, that helps SO much!

One more thing.. I made yogurt in my instant pot!  It’s been fermenting for almost 24 hours now.  I have to get it out, store away then clean up the IP.  Shouldn’t take long and hopefully the yogurt (which is diary free) turns out good.  I’ve been eating mostly vegan, so I haven’t had my daily treat of yogurt or cottage cheese with fruit.  Its one of my favorite snacks– so I’m hopeful!

Not sure what we’re having for dinner tonight and I really don’t care.  It will NOT include a ham or turkey.  It may include my grill and some veggie burgers though 😉

Ok– peace out, time to get to work!  ❤

(OH, day 25 today, HOORAY)

Day 21

It feels so good to keep the momentum going!  It’s been a tiring but great few weeks.  I’m not exactly riding the pink cloud, as they say, but I am enjoying NOT thinking about drinking every second of every day.  I barely even think of it at all.  Once in awhile the thought will run across my mind, “You could drink wine.”  I don’t THINK so, Betsy!  The last time I did that I woke up in a puddle of piss!! I spent the next day worrying about my husband leaving me and how I was going to clean all of my bedding, including the expensive giant heating pad I have for my mattress that was now covered in stinky piss!

So yeah, Betsy is and continues to be on probation.  I think she should actually get jail time.  She has no business trying to ruin my life all the time and making me think that I need to drink poison to have fun.  Conniving B**** !  I see right through her.

Nothing else really to write.  Today at work is a LONG day of testing (currently on my lunch).  I have a meeting after work and then it’ll just be me and my youngest tonight, as hubby and oldest have life guarding class.  They had to write a lesson plan for disabled swimming student for today.  Hubby’s student is missing his legs.  My teen’s student is missing his arms.  They are really pushing the accommodations practice 😛

This has been a short week, but an exhausting one!  Especially today, I woke up late and have been dragging my behind around ALL day long.  Just have to make it through tomorrow 🙂

Make it a great day everyone ❤

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Magnificent Monday

A Monday without work is a magnificent Monday indeed!

And, sadly, it’s going to come to an end pretty soon. That’s quite ok. Friday is Good Friday, so it’ll be a nice 3 day work week.

This past weekend has been just excellent. Friday night was pretty lazy and I was out cold by 10:30pm. I woke up around 4:00 am to let my dog out and then again to start the day around 7:30. I fed the animals and then ate some leftover quiche. I was still feeling really groggy, so I went to bed after stuffing my face and didn’t wake up until 11:30! This is a true pic of me at 11:30 just realizing that I’m about to be suffocated by a small house lion.

Have I mentioned how completely frickin’ awesome sober sleep is???

After getting up and drinking loads of coffee, I was finally ready to start the day. Nevermind that it was almost 3:00pm. It was nice weather and supposed to rain all day Sunday, so I HAD to spend some time outside. I went to Proud Lake to hike on the trails by the river. Jules and I walked 4 miles and fed our souls with lots of Vitamin D and happiness. Everyone we passed was friendly and chipper– I think we are all overly ecstatic for spring temps to get here for good! I mean, Saturday was nice but we did wake up to a dusting of snow on Sunday.

Sunday was nothing but LAZY. I was up by 8:00 am, but napped a couple of times throughout the afternoon. Hubby and our youngest were home from their camping trip by 9:00am. They were exhausted and had a lazy day right along with me.

Monday was a more productive day. I got up, showered and went to Trader Joes. I found some herbs at a killer deal so I decided to start a small herb garden inside. I went to Hobby Lobby and got an indoor planter. Then I used my cricut machine to add some decorative letters. My sister and kids kind of think it’s gross and that the “poo particles” will fertilize the plants, and that’s disgusting. And just a side note, I’ve heard the phrase “poo particles” WAY too much this past year! I say the herbs will be pure and will grow well and make the bathroom smell good– it’s a win win!

After my project, I walked the dog 2.5 miles and then started getting ready for tomorrow (fun, fun!).

What am I most excited about today? WHY, it’s day 19!!! I am feeling better and better mentally and spend WAY less time thinking about drinking than I did while drinking or just a few days sober. I know that it might get tough again soon. I seem to relapse a lot around the 3 week mark. I blame PAWS and also amnesia of how bad it really WAS while I was drinking. I still have the ‘piss bed’ fresh in my mind and the horrifying day that followed, so I’m hoping to ride on that wave all week. WELL, it wasn’t that awful, just my mind ridden with guilt and shame and feeling the lowest I’ve felt in a LONG time. I don’t want to go back here, ever again.

Wishing you all peace, love and happiness ❤ ❤ ❤

Hooray for Friday, Longest Week Ever

This has been an excruciating LONG week. Coming back from Spring Break is never a treat, especially since we started giving students the state assessment beginning the week after break. The state assessment is the devil. It does not seem to align much with the curriculum we are supposed to be teaching (thank you Common Core), and is inappropriate for many of my kids. Actually, I think it’s inappropriate for all of the kids. So much so that the last time I checked 80% of our students (meaning ALL of the students in Michigan) were not proficient in science. Math and ELA had similar results, which leads me to wonder, WHAT are we measuring??? It’s a moot point.

I’m very excited to go into this weekend feeling strong and sober. I haven’t had this level of confidence and happiness in a long time. They are both fluid and can change in an instant, but overall I feel strong, grateful and elated to be going into my 3rd week. It seems to get quite a bit easier after 30 days. Celebrating day 16 today 🙂

I’m not sure what all I’ll do this weekend, but as a treat I took Monday off! Our students have 1/2 day and the other 1/2 is records day and we are allowed to work from home. I JUST finished my records this morning, so Monday will be a free day for me. That makes me SOOOOO happy!!! Hubby and my youngest are going camping with scouts all weekend, which means I’ll be stuck home with the teenager. I already tried to get him to go to painting with a twist with me, but he said no way. I’m thinking we might do dinner and the movies on Saturday, or some type of fun, we will see. I also want to work on my LAST (hooray) paper for my class. Next week is the final week and my last week of homework (double hooray!). I also want to get in a couple good walks this weekend, maybe even a hike at Proud Lake.

So… yeah.. life is good ❤ Life is always so much better when I’m sober ❤ I think I FINALLY learned that nothing good ever comes out of drinking and it does nothing more than lead me down an endless rabbit hole. No thank you, Betsy! I’m gonna do life on MY terms ❤