Surrender

My addiction is winning, it is the devil.  I want to fight– I CAN defeat this monster.

December Blips

I’m trying really hard to not be depressed during this holiday season.  I miss my mom and wish she was here.  I wish I could ask her about her wine habit and talk about my journey with her.  I never thought in a million years that she had an alcohol problem, but now I wonder if she drank more than she wanted to.  It now annoys me that I drank so much at most family parties and wish I had more sober conversations with her.  This is turning into a big ramble…

I CAN

End of day 2. Not a totally great day but better than yesterday. Quite a bit of frustration this evening with my kiddos, their homework, the animals, getting stuff done for tomorrow, etc. BUT.. the work day was much better to get through without a hangover. I DID have the urge to drink tonight whileContinue reading “I CAN”

This is Hard

This week my addiction has won. All due to a number of events that lead me to stop on the way home from my union meeting to get wine and succumb to my urge. This time of the year has been difficult.  I am not happy that I threw away 55 days.  I am notContinue reading “This is Hard”

We are an Army

By this time, Betsy piped up.  She urged me to get my shoes on and go to the liquor store.  She reminded me how much better I would feel after a glass of wine.  She told me I deserved it and that I was torturing myself for no reason at all.  She asked why I wanted to just sit there like a miserable being and that I should treat myself better.  She kept going and going and for the first time in several weeks, I listened

Thanksgiving Cheers

I am a little anxious about today.  I don’t know how it’s going to be at my dad’s.  There may be drinking and smoking pot going on.  Many times there is free flowing wine and beer.  I’m not so worried about drinking– I’m at 51 days today and the last thing I want to do is to throw that away.  I can’t speak for tomorrow, but today and especially at this moment I Will Not Drink!  

Sober Firsts, a Year of Growth and Learning

This is so utterly ridiculous to me now.  I was upset not because of my  dead mom’s birthday that I could not celebrate with her, but because I wanted a drink so friggin bad. 

Are You Being Duped?

Do you ever feel duped by alcohol?  Throughout high school, we were all told to “just say no” to drugs but not much was ever said about alcohol.  The reality is that only 1 in 10 people with an alcohol problem get treatment.  The research shows that the number 1 most addictive drug is alcohol.  It kills more people than all other drugs combined.

When the Party’s Over

While the party ended for everyone else, including my hubby, I consented to being a slave to alcohol. It ruled every aspect of my life.  Every. Single. Night.  If I was somewhere without being able to drink, I was in a mad rush to get home as soon as possible because I needed that drink.  Alcohol stole every part of my being.  Family parties and other social gatherings that included alcohol ended with me too tipsy to hold a conversation and forgetting half of the night– and waking up horrified at what I may have said or done.

Holiday Triggers

We all played hooky and I felt physically dead all day (and probably the following day).  I remember feeling like a giant parental failure, and had major paranoid feelings about what I may have said at the party with neighbors, some of whom I had never met- what a great first impression they must’ve had!