Two Against One

For the longest time, I have been fighting this alone.   Talking to people at meetings is great, but they aren’t there when I’m at home and a mental battle is going on in my head.  It’s like I have two voices– me and then Betsy, my inner alcoholic voice.  For the first time ever, I felt like it was US against Betsy– two against one.  It was an uplifting and empowering realization.

F-E-A-R

Fear– an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. Fear is necessary.  The bottom line is that fear is intended to keep us safe. Most people are familiar with the fight-or flight response. When our lives are threatened, physiology kicks in to protect us.Continue reading “F-E-A-R”

Reflection

I can list 50 reasons why/excuses, but will spare you.   THIS is what I want to get out of this situation:  When the next crisis happens (and it will– it’s called life!), WHAT can I do differently?  I was so strong that first night but then as more stress was added I just DID NOT want to feel anymore.  

Life on Life’s Terms

When I called my dad, I learned that my uncle, a police officer, had been hit by a car.  He was helping at the scene of an accident and was hit by a college student.  He was in the ICU with an extensive brain injury and that his condition was very critical. 

Letter to My Spouse: The Pink Elephant in the Room– My Drinking

I am SO happy with our life.  I love the life that we’ve built.  We have terrific kids and I couldn’t ask for a more supportive spouse. This is the majorly confusing part for me.  This one thing, this one little thing is the only thing that is making me unhappy.  I should have control over it, but it seems to have complete control over me.

Finding My Tribe

One common theme that came from the table was the fact that these people had everything in their life together.   They were smart, good at their jobs, could solve the most sophisticated  problems, yet they could not stop alcohol from taking charge of their lives.  Wake ups are the same for everyone suffering.  Waking up feeling half-dead, swearing that today will be different– yet evening rolls around and the urge is too strong– alcohol wins yet again. 

Christmas 2017, a Wrap… Yet?

Merry Christmas morning! This is a tough day for many. Whether you are missing someone who is no longer here, overwhelmed by family obligations or just stressed with the expectations that come with this time of the year, don’t forget to Just Breathe. I will be needing to take this advice throughout the day. IContinue reading “Christmas 2017, a Wrap… Yet?”

My Double Life

What I want to say is: “I’m in recovery.  I’m searching for a sponsor and an AA group to fit into.  I struggle nearly Every. Single. Day.  I listen to audiobooks and/or podcasts daily that are recovery based.  I know relapse like the back of my hand.  Remember Dylan McKay in the old 90210 episodes?  Remember how his relapses went?  Yep, that’s pretty realistic, and similar to me during an ugly relapse.”