While the party ended for everyone else, including my hubby, I consented to being a slave to alcohol. It ruled every aspect of my life. Every. Single. Night. If I was somewhere without being able to drink, I was in a mad rush to get home as soon as possible because I needed that drink. Alcohol stole every part of my being. Family parties and other social gatherings that included alcohol ended with me too tipsy to hold a conversation and forgetting half of the night– and waking up horrified at what I may have said or done.
We all played hooky and I felt physically dead all day (and probably the following day). I remember feeling like a giant parental failure, and had major paranoid feelings about what I may have said at the party with neighbors, some of whom I had never met- what a great first impression they must’ve had!
They say a craving lasts 20 minutes, so I wait 20 minutes– but she’s still yapping. I go to bed and wake up happy that I didn’t drink the night before. However, something throughout the day will trigger Betsy and she starts jabbering relentlessly. She pipes up the most vulnerable moments, even if I don’t realize that the moments are testy. For each consideration I silently give, her tone gets louder and more aggressive. Eventually after a day or two of Betsy’s initial persuading, I give in and she wins.
I don’t want to continue to abuse this beautiful and miraculous temple that was given to me by God. It has done SO much for me, and I continued to stomp on it and berate it.
I enjoyed being fully present during the show. The beats were intense and I could feel the sounds riveting throughout my body. It was almost like being in a trance, if I lost focus and let my senses take over my being. Much better than concerts in the past where I was annihilated– acting like a fool at my best and passed out asleep at my worst– both which I’ve admittedly done before.
The promises of a new Day 1 is both electrifying and delicious. The hope that follows is optimistic and promising. The idea that I don’t have to feel like Sh#% anymore gives me goosebumps. I reset my counter, examining the date.. looking for something significant, a sign that this time will be the last.
As I mentioned in other entries, I DO believe that one day I will be 100% AF. I certainly don’t feel like I’m “white knuckling” it during my periods of abstinence. I am not miserable, I am happier than ever. It is clear though, that I’m not working my recovery– or rather my recovery is not working for me.
There is no point to this story– other than this is reality, sobriety is filled with highs and lows. The reality is that as I am anticipating tomorrow night sucking, my alcoholic voice is already starting to whisper ideas into my head. I try to ignore, but she is persistent and knows when I am most vulnerable.
This. Is. Living. Life. I must always remember how close that dark path is and how quickly my journey can veer down that long and lonely road. But right now, I will fully enjoy the gleeeeee <3
For awhile now, I’ve been obsessed, addicted to Facebook. I check it constantly. Many things that I see on there make me feel bad in one way or another. Whether it’s family who is having fun and not including me, or political rants, or just general whininess from people who are so negative, it was overwhelming to me.