This week my addiction has won. All due to a number of events that lead me to stop on the way home from my union meeting to get wine and succumb to my urge. This time of the year has been difficult. I am not happy that I threw away 55 days. I am notContinue reading “This is Hard”
By this time, Betsy piped up. She urged me to get my shoes on and go to the liquor store. She reminded me how much better I would feel after a glass of wine. She told me I deserved it and that I was torturing myself for no reason at all. She asked why I wanted to just sit there like a miserable being and that I should treat myself better. She kept going and going and for the first time in several weeks, I listened
I am a little anxious about today. I don’t know how it’s going to be at my dad’s. There may be drinking and smoking pot going on. Many times there is free flowing wine and beer. I’m not so worried about drinking– I’m at 51 days today and the last thing I want to do is to throw that away. I can’t speak for tomorrow, but today and especially at this moment I Will Not Drink!
This is so utterly ridiculous to me now. I was upset not because of my dead mom’s birthday that I could not celebrate with her, but because I wanted a drink so friggin bad.
Do you ever feel duped by alcohol? Throughout high school, we were all told to “just say no” to drugs but not much was ever said about alcohol. The reality is that only 1 in 10 people with an alcohol problem get treatment. The research shows that the number 1 most addictive drug is alcohol. It kills more people than all other drugs combined.
While the party ended for everyone else, including my hubby, I consented to being a slave to alcohol. It ruled every aspect of my life. Every. Single. Night. If I was somewhere without being able to drink, I was in a mad rush to get home as soon as possible because I needed that drink. Alcohol stole every part of my being. Family parties and other social gatherings that included alcohol ended with me too tipsy to hold a conversation and forgetting half of the night– and waking up horrified at what I may have said or done.
We all played hooky and I felt physically dead all day (and probably the following day). I remember feeling like a giant parental failure, and had major paranoid feelings about what I may have said at the party with neighbors, some of whom I had never met- what a great first impression they must’ve had!
They say a craving lasts 20 minutes, so I wait 20 minutes– but she’s still yapping. I go to bed and wake up happy that I didn’t drink the night before. However, something throughout the day will trigger Betsy and she starts jabbering relentlessly. She pipes up the most vulnerable moments, even if I don’t realize that the moments are testy. For each consideration I silently give, her tone gets louder and more aggressive. Eventually after a day or two of Betsy’s initial persuading, I give in and she wins.
I don’t want to continue to abuse this beautiful and miraculous temple that was given to me by God. It has done SO much for me, and I continued to stomp on it and berate it.
I enjoyed being fully present during the show. The beats were intense and I could feel the sounds riveting throughout my body. It was almost like being in a trance, if I lost focus and let my senses take over my being. Much better than concerts in the past where I was annihilated– acting like a fool at my best and passed out asleep at my worst– both which I’ve admittedly done before.