Good Vibrations

I’ve been stuck in this low frequency/low vibration funk.   My family and I headed out to an animal sanctuary today, and on the long ride there I was able to raise my vibrations a bit.  I tried to think of everything possible to be grateful for, including the beautiful forest of trees we were passing and the ominous looking clouds that were producing rain necessary for life on earth.   Other than that, the ride was solemn.  We all had low vibrations and the cold rainy weather wasn’t helping.

The time we spent at the farm helped us all.  We were nudged and licked by pigs and cows and walked the large pastures filled with sheep and goats.  It was wonderful and I’m glad we made the trip– it was well worth it even with weather being as crappy as it was.

 

My kids learned even more about the cruelty of the animal industry.  They learned that dairy cows have their babies taken away right after they are born and cry for them for days.  They also learned that you can get in trouble for reporting abuse on factory farms (whistle blower law), but not for conducting the abuse.

I’m not writing this to convince anyone of anything.   My youngest eats mostly vegetarian or vegan, but my oldest does not.  He is a type 1 Diabetic and can eat meat and cheese without injecting himself with insulin–they are considered “free” snacks and I wouldn’t take that away from him.  Each person has their own journey, struggles, etc.  For me, avoiding animal products makes my heart happy.

Back to my low vibrations.  It’s a cycle and I can’t get out.  Oddly, it’s not unlike the dang drinking cycle I was stuck in for so many times over and over and over again!  I keep sending out low vibes and they keep coming right back to me!

BUT, I have a plan!  Getting your body moving is supposed to help raise your frequency, and I haven’t had the motivation or energy to work out for days (admittingly this fact is contributing to the cycle).

Tomorrow at 5am there’s 70% chance of rain.  I’m going to dress warm and go run in it.  Then I’m going to make fresh juice.  At work, I’m going to be mega productive.  I have 6 IEPs to piece together and run all within the next 8 days.  One is done, and two are started.  I’m going to work on them all simultaneously in phases.  This works well for my productivity and I’m going to be able to focus like a laser this week.

Quite honestly, having this plan alone is raising my frequency.  Also, if there’s any good in this, I consider it a bit of a stress test and haven’t entertained the thought of drinking whatsoever.  I know now that drinking is one sure fire way to SINK my vibrations– oh heck no I can’t handle them getting any lower!

So thank you, for listening.  Writing this helped.  Happy Day 46 ❤

For more information on SASHA Farm, visit:

https://www.sashafarm.org/

 

This Too Shall Pass

This too shall pass. 

I feel like I’ve been saying this for weeks.

My intention was to write a positive post tonight.  After all, it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow and my boys and I are going to the Sasha Farm Sanctuary to learn about the cruelty of factory farms, to cuddle some farm animals and to eat some yummy vegan food.

It’s been a really gross week.

My sister has been going through turbulent times with her boyfriend, who is also the father of her 5 year old daughter.  He did something no one could have predicted and completely snapped Tuesday night.  While my sister and niece were sleeping he set the house on fire.  The fire alarms were turned off, but somehow my sister woke up and navigated her and my niece out through the smoke.

I really liked him.  I am so sad for my sister and niece, who will likely never see her father again.  And we are mourning the loss of him– because no matter what he can and will never be a part of the family again.

So I’ve been feeling in a funk since.  And the weather here totally sucks– cold and rainy, nearly every single day.  And work has been stressful– with testing and teachers stressed because I can’t do all of the things I normally do- all due to these USELESS state mandated tests.  They are completely inappropriate for our students and so incredibly time consuming for everyone.

I started to feel positive this evening when I declared to my beef wanting nachos teenager, “I can’t buy beef.”  I used to cook us separate meals (me vegetarian, them with real meat), but recently told them I was no longer cooking meat– but they are welcome to cook it.   After digging deeper into veganism, I realize that everytime I buy meat, eggs or dairy, I am supporting a very cruel industry.  I. Just. Can’t.  I put in a grocery order tonight, but I told my family, “You are welcome to buy and cook meat, but I can’t support that.”

My positivity was drained quickly when hubby came in from mowing the lawn.  He has been upset at our new neighbors for mowing part of our yard and not on the lot line.  I think he said something to him before, but he continues to cut on our side.  Well, it wasn’t a pleasant conversation tonight and I feel like he just waged war on our next door neighbors.  I can’t tell you how icky this makes me feel inside!  And kind of irritated with hubby– WHY does he have to create such a conflict?  UGH– I just feel so gross about it.  I want to write them a peace letter.  I also want them to stay on their side.

It’s Saturday night, and I wish I could feel the joy of having a free night with a day to sleep in tomorrow and exciting fun day to look forward.  All this darkness is casting a shadow on all the good things.  My vibrations right now are so low, I know this will only cause low vibrations to come back to me and cause more friction.

I’m trying to just breathe, because this too shall pass.

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Evil Dr. Google

Day 40 – It was a long Monday, filled with testing and feeling exhausted.  I’m not sure why I’m so fatigued– I’ve been eating a lot cleaner maybe my body is detoxing– or maybe it’s something else.

I hate hate hate Dr. Google right now.  I spent a good part of my Sunday being overjoyed at the results of my recent blood work.  I’ve been eating vegetarian for many weeks now and now am eating mostly vegan.

I read books and have gone to lectures that promote a plant based diet for good health.  While I believe all of that, there’s always a small voice inside me that questions it.  ONLY because I have an autoimmune disease and many people find success with controlling it with things like a paleo (meat) diet, a diet heavy in organ meats (YUCK) and bone broth.  So naturally, while my mind and conscious feel better eating this way, there’s always the question, “Am I making my condition worse?”

Well, number one:  My bloodwork showed my Uric Acid is slightly on the high side.  This would support Dr. Tent’s diagnosis of Gout.  It makes sense that crystals form and move around in my feet–probably why my pain moves around.  So I looked up how to lower your Uric Acid and it said to avoid the following foods:

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Well look at that!  I don’t eat ANY of those, hooray!!!!

Secondly, my B12 levels are HIGH.  Mine are 1751, and normal is 200-900.  B12 is something you need to worry about when not consuming animals, so this was nice to see.

I took this as a sign from the Universe that I was on the right path and all is well.  It provided me an immense amount of comfort, as I said before that little voice was always questioning this way of eating.  And another great thing, is that after recently putting on almost 10 pounds, in the past couple weeks that I’ve been eating cleaner and running harder, I lost almost all of that.  I was SO excited about my health.

Enter, Dr. Google….

Mid morning today, I decided to see what to do/what it means when you have a high B12 level.

I did not get the answer I expected.   Liver damage, kidney damage, leukemia and a few other weird (but fatal) diseases could cause your B12 level to be high.

Say What?????

Well, all my chemistries (BUN, CREATINE, ETC) were normal, so I’m assuming my kidneys and liver is ok.

So, it’s official.  I am dying.  My fatigue and weight loss make sense now.

I mean, I’m a little comforted by the fact that when my rhuemy called me to give me results she said all was fine except low iron stores and slight anemia (I sometimes need iron infusions).  So SHE wasn’t alarmed.  But, I don’t trust her to pick up on things.  Like she knows I have horrible pain in my feet, you think she would have seen my Uric Acid and told me to try to lower it with my diet.

So..  I printed all of my results after work and emailed them to my hematologist (who manages my iron/anemia) and stated that I was concerned about the high B12.

And so I wait.  And worry.

I hate you Dr. Google!

—————————————————UPDATE————————————————–

It looks as though I might not be dying after all! Spoke with the nurse at the hematologist’s office.   They are not concerned with the B12 level.  I will stop my supplement and get 2 iron infusions one week apart.  My appointment with the hematologist will be a month after my last iron infusion and she will check my B12 levels.  She did not see any reason to be concerned though.  Furthermore, I read that low B2 can cause the B12 levels to be high.  I have several symptoms of low B2, so I’m going to try to eat more B2 rich foods.   That is all!!!  I didn’t want anyone to lose sleep over my predicament 😛

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Here Comes the Sun

Today is Saturday and by all measures, I should be feeling so happy.

The sun is FINALLY shining.

I’m finally starting to shed the 10 pounds that I put on since the new year.

I woke up early to make it to my favorite specialty stores before they got busy.  I came home, put away and organized my new things and cleaned up the kitchen.  Then I juiced a bunch of veggies.  And all by 11 am.

My boys are all leaving later to go to a racetrack with scouts.  I have plans with my puppy to walk/run on the trails by the river.  Then… I don’t even know.  Massage?  Finally get my nails done?  Play with my cricut?  Haircut (long overdue)?  Work on some IEPs for work (nahhhhh)..

But I woke up feeling just SAD.  The sad thoughts won’t leave my mind.

I’m sad about my 5th grade students who will soon be off to the middle school.  They are SUCH a great group of kiddos.  They might get into fights with each other on recess and before school, but for me, the are absolutely angelic.   So much so, that when my principal asks if he can observe me 5 minutes before seeing their group, I know I have no worries.  The lesson is seamless, the kids are engaged and all wanting to read or answer my question.  It’s not like this with every group.  Last year, I had three boys and while they were nice kids, I just didn’t have a strong bond.  This group is different, maybe because 4 out of 5 are girls– I don’t know.

I’m sad about my nephew who has a tough life.  He usually has a smile on his face and is  a pleasure to be around.  He lives with his grandparents behind us and I drop him off at school everyday along with my son.  Many Fridays, when I exclaim in the morning, “TGIF boys!!” he responds, “Oh, it’s Friday?”   I always thought this was odd.  HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW ITS FRIDAY BOY????   Well, DUH….  for kids with a hard homelife, the weekend can be downright brutal.  I should have put two and two together, and finally did yesterday morning.  How sad.  He’s a great kid.  I pray that he continues to do well despite a hard home life.  I pray that when he and I have deep conversations, I can convey the message that he can be happy and successful, and can be strong despite the hardships he’s endured and continues to face.  And I cry for him.

I’m so grateful that he lives so close and spends a lot of time at our house and can goes on all the scout trips with my boys.  I dread the day that his mom gets him back and moves away.  My heart will always ache for him.

And it’s been a sad couple of weeks at work.  A retired teacher lost her adult daughter last week suddenly.  A former student of ours (who was now a 9th grader) passed away on Tuesday.  The rain wouldn’t stop falling and lunchroom conversations were political and depressing.

I was hoping that writing all this out would help– but I still feel like I need a good cry.

I’m thinking of the happiest memories throughout my life.

That time in my teens when I was going through a turbulent relationship and I would escape to Indian Springs and rollerblade the 8-10 mile track.  That made me SO happy.

That time that hubby went on a shake diet and lost a bunch of weight and started to run with me.  It lasted all spring and summer, and boy he was FAST.  I could never keep up with him, but I still loved it when he accompanied me.   It was the summer my mom died, but still I think of that time and those memories of us out together was so happy.  Especially up in Tawas on the new trail by our cottage.

Last spring brings back happy memories of waking up at 5 am to walk/run before work and then going for an evening bike ride with hubby.   It felt SO good to be out and moving when the sun rose and again as it was setting.  I never felt so alive- and going to bed with my Garmin showing anywhere from 12-20 miles of this earth being covered was so rewarding.

Do you see a theme here?

I think I’ll feel better after being in nature today.  Until then, I’m going to feel all the feels.

It’s ok to feel sad.

Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

 

 

 

So Many Blessings

I am filled with so much gratitude after this weekend ❤ ❤ ❤   I’ve been studying the law of attraction for the past few weeks and think that there is a lot of truth to it.  I believe that the vibrations you send out attract like vibrations that come right back to you.

To top it off, I think I’ve started to experience the “Pink Cloud.”

In case you don’t know, the pink cloud in addiction is a term used to describe a curious phenomenon in one’s recovery odyssey. It means to be high on life. Many people after detox feel too good about their recovery as they’re finally able to see the real world.

In my car, driving in the sun, with the music blasting, all weekend…. permagrin— JUST joyous and happy feelings.

Friday night was lovely.  Hubby mowed while my oldest son and I went to grab dinner and snacks.  I got a delicious new drink and had a truly “happy” happy hour sipping it outside.  It’s the little things 🙂

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Saturday was even better.   We started it out with a friendly family game in the morning.  My youngest wanted to play (which is totally rare so we jumped at the opportunity).   Cards are always a fun way to start and end the day 🙂

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Next, a local business that I follow on Facebook shared that if you text SPRING to a number, you get a coupon for Lowes that is anywhere from $5-$500.  I tried it and got a $100 coupon!  We went later and had a lovely lunch date, then got a fire top for our table at Lowes.  It was $136 so we got it for $36.  SCORE!  After Lowes we hit a local Goodwill that I had never been to.  I spent quite a bit of time looking at books but really found some treasures (if I haven’t mentioned it before, I have a hard core book addiction..).

To top off this wonderful day, Jules and I went to my favorite park by the river and walk/ran 4 miles.  I ran a 15 minute mile which I haven’t done in like a year (I am a sloth).  It was wonderful to run through the trails and be with nature.  Gosh I love springtime!!

Sunday was a fabulous day too.  I had booked a complimentary mini facial at Aveda and makeup demo. The facial was awesome.  When it was time for the make up I told her I don’t wear much and like natural colors.  I wasn’t completely happy with the results, and thought I looked like a drag queen.  It was ok though, I had to use the restroom, but there was a few little boys using the women’s (I know this because they didn’t lock the door and I walked in on them– OOPS) so I used the mens. Sorry, but I couldn’t hold it for another second and now we can use whatever bathroom we want, plus I looked like a tranny anyways– so it was fine.  On a side note, when I got home and my boys saw me, they laughed.  It’s ok, I laughed too.

After Aveda, I went to Vegfest.  Vegfest is a vegan festival with vendors, lectures, speakers and food.  The last time I went, I went with my hubby.  I went alone today and it was nice to do what I want and not have to worry about anyone.  I bought some excellent books (most were only $5!) and met Alicia Silverstone.  I had a jackfruit sandwich that was to die for.  I’ve been strictly vegetarian (mostly vegan) for several weeks now and think I’m ready to take the plunge into sole veganism.

My book addiction was very well fed this weekend

After Vegfest I came home to some family over (brother in law, nephew, other sister and brother in law and niece).  It was nice, they played croquet while my SIL and I chatted by the fire top table and listened to music.  Also, it was supposed to snow like 3-4 inches last night (we were all dreading it) but it ended up just raining.  So, no snow today and it ended up being a warm sunny day that was such an unexpected treat.

Lastly, hubby and I went for a short bike ride.  We usually go around 10 miles and it’s like an hour workout.  We only went about 4, but it was so nice to get out there.  The perfect end to the perfect weekend!

So now it’s Sunday night almost 9:30 pm and I’m still wound up and reeling over all of the excitement.  I hope I can sleep at a decent hour, I really want to get up early to work out tomorrow.  Can’t think of a better way to start my Monday!

C’est la belle vie ❤ ❤ ❤

Day 21

It feels so good to keep the momentum going!  It’s been a tiring but great few weeks.  I’m not exactly riding the pink cloud, as they say, but I am enjoying NOT thinking about drinking every second of every day.  I barely even think of it at all.  Once in awhile the thought will run across my mind, “You could drink wine.”  I don’t THINK so, Betsy!  The last time I did that I woke up in a puddle of piss!! I spent the next day worrying about my husband leaving me and how I was going to clean all of my bedding, including the expensive giant heating pad I have for my mattress that was now covered in stinky piss!

So yeah, Betsy is and continues to be on probation.  I think she should actually get jail time.  She has no business trying to ruin my life all the time and making me think that I need to drink poison to have fun.  Conniving B**** !  I see right through her.

Nothing else really to write.  Today at work is a LONG day of testing (currently on my lunch).  I have a meeting after work and then it’ll just be me and my youngest tonight, as hubby and oldest have life guarding class.  They had to write a lesson plan for disabled swimming student for today.  Hubby’s student is missing his legs.  My teen’s student is missing his arms.  They are really pushing the accommodations practice 😛

This has been a short week, but an exhausting one!  Especially today, I woke up late and have been dragging my behind around ALL day long.  Just have to make it through tomorrow 🙂

Make it a great day everyone ❤

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Magnificent Monday

A Monday without work is a magnificent Monday indeed!

And, sadly, it’s going to come to an end pretty soon. That’s quite ok. Friday is Good Friday, so it’ll be a nice 3 day work week.

This past weekend has been just excellent. Friday night was pretty lazy and I was out cold by 10:30pm. I woke up around 4:00 am to let my dog out and then again to start the day around 7:30. I fed the animals and then ate some leftover quiche. I was still feeling really groggy, so I went to bed after stuffing my face and didn’t wake up until 11:30! This is a true pic of me at 11:30 just realizing that I’m about to be suffocated by a small house lion.

Have I mentioned how completely frickin’ awesome sober sleep is???

After getting up and drinking loads of coffee, I was finally ready to start the day. Nevermind that it was almost 3:00pm. It was nice weather and supposed to rain all day Sunday, so I HAD to spend some time outside. I went to Proud Lake to hike on the trails by the river. Jules and I walked 4 miles and fed our souls with lots of Vitamin D and happiness. Everyone we passed was friendly and chipper– I think we are all overly ecstatic for spring temps to get here for good! I mean, Saturday was nice but we did wake up to a dusting of snow on Sunday.

Sunday was nothing but LAZY. I was up by 8:00 am, but napped a couple of times throughout the afternoon. Hubby and our youngest were home from their camping trip by 9:00am. They were exhausted and had a lazy day right along with me.

Monday was a more productive day. I got up, showered and went to Trader Joes. I found some herbs at a killer deal so I decided to start a small herb garden inside. I went to Hobby Lobby and got an indoor planter. Then I used my cricut machine to add some decorative letters. My sister and kids kind of think it’s gross and that the “poo particles” will fertilize the plants, and that’s disgusting. And just a side note, I’ve heard the phrase “poo particles” WAY too much this past year! I say the herbs will be pure and will grow well and make the bathroom smell good– it’s a win win!

After my project, I walked the dog 2.5 miles and then started getting ready for tomorrow (fun, fun!).

What am I most excited about today? WHY, it’s day 19!!! I am feeling better and better mentally and spend WAY less time thinking about drinking than I did while drinking or just a few days sober. I know that it might get tough again soon. I seem to relapse a lot around the 3 week mark. I blame PAWS and also amnesia of how bad it really WAS while I was drinking. I still have the ‘piss bed’ fresh in my mind and the horrifying day that followed, so I’m hoping to ride on that wave all week. WELL, it wasn’t that awful, just my mind ridden with guilt and shame and feeling the lowest I’ve felt in a LONG time. I don’t want to go back here, ever again.

Wishing you all peace, love and happiness ❤ ❤ ❤

Hooray for Friday, Longest Week Ever

This has been an excruciating LONG week. Coming back from Spring Break is never a treat, especially since we started giving students the state assessment beginning the week after break. The state assessment is the devil. It does not seem to align much with the curriculum we are supposed to be teaching (thank you Common Core), and is inappropriate for many of my kids. Actually, I think it’s inappropriate for all of the kids. So much so that the last time I checked 80% of our students (meaning ALL of the students in Michigan) were not proficient in science. Math and ELA had similar results, which leads me to wonder, WHAT are we measuring??? It’s a moot point.

I’m very excited to go into this weekend feeling strong and sober. I haven’t had this level of confidence and happiness in a long time. They are both fluid and can change in an instant, but overall I feel strong, grateful and elated to be going into my 3rd week. It seems to get quite a bit easier after 30 days. Celebrating day 16 today 🙂

I’m not sure what all I’ll do this weekend, but as a treat I took Monday off! Our students have 1/2 day and the other 1/2 is records day and we are allowed to work from home. I JUST finished my records this morning, so Monday will be a free day for me. That makes me SOOOOO happy!!! Hubby and my youngest are going camping with scouts all weekend, which means I’ll be stuck home with the teenager. I already tried to get him to go to painting with a twist with me, but he said no way. I’m thinking we might do dinner and the movies on Saturday, or some type of fun, we will see. I also want to work on my LAST (hooray) paper for my class. Next week is the final week and my last week of homework (double hooray!). I also want to get in a couple good walks this weekend, maybe even a hike at Proud Lake.

So… yeah.. life is good ❤ Life is always so much better when I’m sober ❤ I think I FINALLY learned that nothing good ever comes out of drinking and it does nothing more than lead me down an endless rabbit hole. No thank you, Betsy! I’m gonna do life on MY terms ❤

24 Hours

It’s been a busy couple of days. I drank once since the last time I wrote and I believe it’ll be the last. I was SO filled with guilt and shame the next day, it still makes me cry. This is what I posted in my sober circle that sums it up:

Super ugly post warning. I don’t remember having a day feeling this low. I wasn’t going to drink last night, but I did. I woke up in a puddle of piss. I WET the f’ing bed! I can’t even tell you the amount of shame and guilt I have today– over not just this but the enormity of it all. I showered this morning, but still felt like I smelled like piss all day. I hope (pray) it was in my head. I looked like garbage all day and functioned at probably less than 50%.

My hubby texted me twice throughout the day and both times I was reading into things thinking he’s going to boot me to the curb. How can he not hate me? And my poor kiddos– what the hell am I doing to them continuing to drink? It was so hard to go to school today and try to act normal when walking around with a boat load of shame, guilt, etc.

Fortunately, I have some good things to look forward to. My BFF is coming down this weekend to visit for my son’s bday. Next week is spring break and I am SO excited to get back to the things that are good for me and hopefully make it to some AA meetings, maybe even find a sponsor and start on these steps. I hope and pray that this is it. I’ve said that literally like 1000 times, BUT I don’t think I’ve ever felt this low. If you are the praying type, I would appreciate a prayer. I need all the prayers, positivity etc that I can get right now ❤

Now it is March 30th. That day that I posted this ended on a high note. Hubby was forgiving. We rode our bikes that evening up to have dinner. We didn’t talk about “it” other than me telling him that any and all alcohol in house must go (even the kind that gives me zero temptation) and that I HAVE to stop. The dinner, the 8 mile ride with the birds singing and frogs calling, the weather — it all was so refreshing and filled with so much life and renewed hope. I knew then that I can’t go back.

I felt much better the next day and find it absolutely amazing how much things can change in 24 hours.

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For the moment, I’m keeping busy, but not tempted in the least. I tagged along last night with hubby, sons, brother in laws and nephew to see an awful movie (Marvel- I hate action and violence). It was a nice time though and we had dinner out which was delicious. My brother in law got a drink at the restaurant and again at the movies. I had no desire to join him or go home and drink. In fact, I talked to him for a bit about his longtime best friend (who coincidentally was our neighbor when we bought our first house) who lost his wife suddenly over a year ago. He was always a drinker but his wife kept him in line. He’s completely lost all control since she died. I am so sad for him. He’s choosing death over life. I hope he comes out of it.

My kids and I are off school next week for spring break. Timing is a pure blessing and could not be better. This will give me time to read, write, meditate, go to AA, set up an appointment with my old therapist, and work on my soul. And to think a week ago, I was actually going back and forth about drinking over break. I am so thankful to NOT have that internal dialogue in my head right now and the gift of sobriety today. Vacation is always so much better with a clear head and a clean soul ❤

One more thing.. Lately I have been reading some incredible books that I think will be life changing for me. One is The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne. The other one is, The Lotus and the Lily: Access the Wisdom of Buddha and Jesus to Nourish Your Beautiful, Abundant Life, by Janet Connor. I’m just getting started but am learning about some amazing principles. I can’t wait to share more as I embark upon this new and exciting journey!

Anyways, time to check some more things off my list. Have a GREAT weekend ❤ < 3 ❤

The Devil Inside

I’ve been thinking a lot about my thinking. I’ve been researching also and have read some really great books about our powerful mind– and that pesky voice– you know, the one I call Betsy.

I’ve been noticing things that intrigue me, and wondering. Why am I so depressed when I’m not sober? Is it because alcohol is a depressant? Or is it my addiction telling me that my life is so bad and stressful, that I need and deserve a drink.

Is this the same voice that tells me I’m fired when my key card doesn’t work? The same one that tells me parents are going to be angry at me? The one that tells me that I look like a chubby adolescent and should just finish the cake? The one that says I’m not good enough. Or smart enough. Or pretty enough.

WHO is this voice? And WHY does she have so much animosity toward me?

Do you have this voice too? What does yours say? Is yours as much as a negative Nancy as mine?

I’m giving ole’ Betsy (my inner alcoholic voice is named Betsy, after the horrid Betsy DeVos who is the spawn of a devil and is going to single handedly try to turn our public education into prison pipeline) the boot!

No more bashing on me, I’m not going to take it. And no more telling me I need the cake– or I need a drink. I WILL DECIDE what I need or want.

I’m going to give myself so much love and you should too ❤ ❤ ❤

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