Happy Hump Day

Day 14, woo hoo!!! Thinking about drinking more lately (It wasn’t THAT bad, I can stop again, etc etc). I’m doing a good job shutting off the voice when she makes suggestive moves, but feel like I might be dry drunkin’ it. Going to spend some good time with my soul next week when I’m done with my class. I want to continue working on the steps, but I’m leery about getting a sponsor. I’ve heard so many horror stories. Anyways, Happy Hump Day!!!!

Cruise Control

It’s Thursday and Spring Break is cruising right along, a little too fast for my liking. It hasn’t been a super productful week, but I’m still sober so I’ve felt grateful every day.

The weekend was pretty full. On Saturday, our friends came down from Bay City. My BFF, Debbie, brought a cake for my son’s 16th birthday, but one of their dogs decided to eat half of it on the way here. They brought both dogs to play with mine. We had a boxer for years and years (he died at 13) who lived the first 6 months in a cage (please don’t ever buy from a pet store. Please. Please. Please.). I worked at a veterinary hospital in high school and throughout college. This puppy had mange and by the time he was healed he was too old to be sold. He went to a family with a 3 year old, but they said he was too rambunctious and brought him back. I took him home for the weekend and never brought him back. BUT, he was always strange around other dogs (not attacking them, but acting so strange that other dogs would attack him). My point is that my BFF and I have had dogs our whole adult life but this is the first time that they’ve been friends and we’ve been able to bring our dogs to overnight trips at each other’s homes. And please, if you get anything from this page, please please adopt don’t shop.

That was the main excitement so far. I am taking classes for my Master’s and this is the first morning I haven’t been spending doing homework. I talked to a health coach on Monday and will again today. The first 30 days is free and it’s been helpful so far in pointing me in the right direction. I haven’t been back to see Dr. Tent since January. I’m tired of a billion supplements. I might go back when I’m a few months sober and have had more time to be in control of my health. I’m going to be strong enough though to say no to a bunch of stuff to take. My feet are pretty ok right now. I do need to work on keeping up my sobriety, and eating better and will try to decrease the pred again (every time I get down to less than 5mg a day I’m plagued with pain). My personal goal is to be off all meds and pain free.

On Monday I bit the bullet and ordered a cricut machine. My birthday was back in March and I’ve been thinking about getting one for my birthday, but wasn’t sure I’d use it as much as I think. It was supposed to come yesterday and I was so excited to spend this week playing with it, but now it’s running late and will be here today, tomorrow or Saturday. I HOPE it comes today, I want to play with it especially while I’m off work.

Yesterday I took the boys and Andrew (my teenage nephew) to visit my grandma. I kind of dreaded it but it was a nice visit. We played Euchre with her and it was almost like old times up in Luzerne. Speaking of Luzerne, when she lived up north she taught a religious recovery program for people with addiction. I have always wanted to ask her about it and yesterday I finally worked up the nerve. I also shared that I’ve been to AA and have a problem with the drink. She was shocked and said I didn’t have a problem. I shared that one day I found myself wanting to stop but not being able to and how scary of a place that was. She said her brother was a functioning alcoholic and would stop on his way home everyday from work for booze. It was a tad difficult conversation but long overdo and it felt good to be honest and vulnerable.

I also had a significant conversation with my 16 year old the other day. He was also shocked that I think I have a problem. Does he think that falling over drunk (it doesn’t happen often, but has happened especially like when we’re up north with other drinking family members) and not remembering conversations is normal? At any rate, I hope that I planted a seed that says you don’t have to be homeless and living under a bridge to have a problem. I also hope that I opened up paths that will allow him to feel comfortable talking to me about drinking and addiction. I warned him that addiction is genetic and he would need to be careful. I honed in on the fact that one day you’re in college drinking like everyone else and the next day you’re a 40 year old parent who still drinks and maybe can’t stop, and how awful of a place that is to be.

I think that’s about it. My niece stayed the night last night so I will probably take them up to Airtime for a little bit this morning. Also I’m hoping to get a nice walk in and maybe a bike ride later with hubby if it’s not too cold (it hasn’t been great weather this week– but that’s ok nature is in full force and warm temps will be here before we know it– I just wish it was this week!).

I’m kind of happy that I had that AWFUL day last week. It propelled me into wanting to stay sober. This week could have been very different had I been drinking. I am so grateful for day 8 today and still don’t have a desire to drink (I mean, I have longed for it occasionally at certain points, but shut the AV down quickly. I NEVER want to feel like I did last Thursday, EVER).

God Bless ❤ ❤ ❤

24 Hours

It’s been a busy couple of days. I drank once since the last time I wrote and I believe it’ll be the last. I was SO filled with guilt and shame the next day, it still makes me cry. This is what I posted in my sober circle that sums it up:

Super ugly post warning. I don’t remember having a day feeling this low. I wasn’t going to drink last night, but I did. I woke up in a puddle of piss. I WET the f’ing bed! I can’t even tell you the amount of shame and guilt I have today– over not just this but the enormity of it all. I showered this morning, but still felt like I smelled like piss all day. I hope (pray) it was in my head. I looked like garbage all day and functioned at probably less than 50%.

My hubby texted me twice throughout the day and both times I was reading into things thinking he’s going to boot me to the curb. How can he not hate me? And my poor kiddos– what the hell am I doing to them continuing to drink? It was so hard to go to school today and try to act normal when walking around with a boat load of shame, guilt, etc.

Fortunately, I have some good things to look forward to. My BFF is coming down this weekend to visit for my son’s bday. Next week is spring break and I am SO excited to get back to the things that are good for me and hopefully make it to some AA meetings, maybe even find a sponsor and start on these steps. I hope and pray that this is it. I’ve said that literally like 1000 times, BUT I don’t think I’ve ever felt this low. If you are the praying type, I would appreciate a prayer. I need all the prayers, positivity etc that I can get right now ❤

Now it is March 30th. That day that I posted this ended on a high note. Hubby was forgiving. We rode our bikes that evening up to have dinner. We didn’t talk about “it” other than me telling him that any and all alcohol in house must go (even the kind that gives me zero temptation) and that I HAVE to stop. The dinner, the 8 mile ride with the birds singing and frogs calling, the weather — it all was so refreshing and filled with so much life and renewed hope. I knew then that I can’t go back.

I felt much better the next day and find it absolutely amazing how much things can change in 24 hours.

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For the moment, I’m keeping busy, but not tempted in the least. I tagged along last night with hubby, sons, brother in laws and nephew to see an awful movie (Marvel- I hate action and violence). It was a nice time though and we had dinner out which was delicious. My brother in law got a drink at the restaurant and again at the movies. I had no desire to join him or go home and drink. In fact, I talked to him for a bit about his longtime best friend (who coincidentally was our neighbor when we bought our first house) who lost his wife suddenly over a year ago. He was always a drinker but his wife kept him in line. He’s completely lost all control since she died. I am so sad for him. He’s choosing death over life. I hope he comes out of it.

My kids and I are off school next week for spring break. Timing is a pure blessing and could not be better. This will give me time to read, write, meditate, go to AA, set up an appointment with my old therapist, and work on my soul. And to think a week ago, I was actually going back and forth about drinking over break. I am so thankful to NOT have that internal dialogue in my head right now and the gift of sobriety today. Vacation is always so much better with a clear head and a clean soul ❤

One more thing.. Lately I have been reading some incredible books that I think will be life changing for me. One is The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne. The other one is, The Lotus and the Lily: Access the Wisdom of Buddha and Jesus to Nourish Your Beautiful, Abundant Life, by Janet Connor. I’m just getting started but am learning about some amazing principles. I can’t wait to share more as I embark upon this new and exciting journey!

Anyways, time to check some more things off my list. Have a GREAT weekend ❤ < 3 ❤

The Devil Inside

I’ve been thinking a lot about my thinking. I’ve been researching also and have read some really great books about our powerful mind– and that pesky voice– you know, the one I call Betsy.

I’ve been noticing things that intrigue me, and wondering. Why am I so depressed when I’m not sober? Is it because alcohol is a depressant? Or is it my addiction telling me that my life is so bad and stressful, that I need and deserve a drink.

Is this the same voice that tells me I’m fired when my key card doesn’t work? The same one that tells me parents are going to be angry at me? The one that tells me that I look like a chubby adolescent and should just finish the cake? The one that says I’m not good enough. Or smart enough. Or pretty enough.

WHO is this voice? And WHY does she have so much animosity toward me?

Do you have this voice too? What does yours say? Is yours as much as a negative Nancy as mine?

I’m giving ole’ Betsy (my inner alcoholic voice is named Betsy, after the horrid Betsy DeVos who is the spawn of a devil and is going to single handedly try to turn our public education into prison pipeline) the boot!

No more bashing on me, I’m not going to take it. And no more telling me I need the cake– or I need a drink. I WILL DECIDE what I need or want.

I’m going to give myself so much love and you should too ❤ ❤ ❤

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My WHY

My kids

My hubby

My extended family

My health (mental, emotional, physical)

My students

To remember going to bed and what I said

To be productive at work

To wake up clear headed and energized

To sleep well

To pursue my hobbies and create new ones

To be able to exercise and push myself harder

To finish that book

To finish reading all of those wonderful books

Bed parties

Belly laughs

To shred the shame

To be my best

For happiness and peace

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Yesterday was gross, like all of it, just ick.

It wasn’t what happened, so much, it was more how I felt and dealing with those feelings.

Not long ago, you see, those same exact feelings would have me reaching for external comfort– food, liquor, wine, pot… any of it would do.

So.. when what started as a positive and promising day turned south, it was only natural to want to high tail it to the party store. I don’t really, after all, have a problem, I mean I’ve had some good longer sober stretches so WHO cares if I drink like once a week?

Hook, line and sinker… and then Betsy does her triumphant dance.

NOT yesterday.

NOT this time.

What did I do?

I wrote letters that I’ve been putting off for weeks (there is something oddly satisfying to handwriting heartfelt notes). I took the pup for a walk in the balmy cold. I sauteed a healthy dinner of veggies and eggs. I sat in my cozy chair and just thought for a bit. I still felt a tad down and sad after it was all said and done, but not that panicked “I have to consume something toxic” feeling that often overcomes me when I feel sad and lonely.

But I was still scared. I didn’t know how today would be and if these feelings would carry over and if I would be tempted and give into temptation.

But I woke up feeling Betsy’s triumph (MAN it was WONDERFUL). It’s still very early and I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I am feeling optimistic. One day and one moment at a time ❤

Drinking today is borrowing tomorrow’s happiness” — not sure who originally said it, but it’s a brilliant quote with so much truth.

Zen Life 

Yesterday I posted about suicide.  It’s impacted me, and just about everyone else on planet earth.  

I couldn’t fathom how anyone could do that to their family, particularly if you have kids.  All I knew is that I DIDN’T know.  Having another incident hit close to home, it’s been on my mind this week & has had me boggled as to WHY and HOW could someone do that?????

What am I doing?

When I continue to drink and pretend it’s not a problem, I’m slowly poisoning my body.  

SLOW SUICIDE

Me who can’t fathom choosing to leave their kids prematurely is choosing to shorten my life when I drink.

Mind blown & awakened, and determined more than ever.  

I’m loving the Buddhist practices & life views, and keeping my mind clear of substances is one of them.

So is compassion.  I’ve eaten mostly vegetarian for awhile now, with occasional fish, chicken or fast food burger.  The past couple weeks I have stayed away from animal flesh.  Totally unnecessary for me. Leveled with hubby over dinner the other day that eating animals always makes me feel bad, so I’m not going to do it.  This makes me feel compassionate and peaceful. 

Also, trying to reach inside myself when I’m feeling heavy emotions instead of reaching for external comforts.  It’s all such a learning process 🥰

Feeling good about all of this 💙. 

Goodnight ☺️🧘🏻‍♀️

One Cold February

Today is the last day of mid winter break and I found myself awake before 5:00 am.  I am thoroughly enjoying the peaceful house this morning.

It’s been a nice, low key break.

And the skunk smell is finally gone from our home.

Yesterday was particularly nice and productive, yet enjoyable.  I got up, washed all my bedding and the dog’s bed cover also.  While laundry was going I ran to Meijer to look at RBX (I like this brand and just found out that Meijer carries it) shirts and get groceries.  I was good at the store and didn’t buy any junk food, except for ingredients for strawberry shortcake.

Came home and made homemade pizza dough.  While it was rising, I cleaned up my bedroom and then repainted the frame of a cute picture I got from the Salvation Army last week.

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Hubby was pretty excited to have a good dinner and dessert and a clean house (the boys helped clean while I was shopping).  I felt pretty accomplished by the end of the day.

Today I think I will take the boys up to Lenscrafters.  Will needs his glasses tightened and I want to get some new frames.  Hopefully they can make them in an hour and we’ll have lunch while we wait.

This is probably the most boring post ever.  Oh well.  At least I’ll always know what was happening on February 19, 2019!

Peace and love to you all ❤

A Very Stinky Week

What was supposed to be a fabulous weekend is turning miserable.  It started on Wednesday.

Wednesday was my late mom’s birthday.  I woke up for work and as I got out of bed I looked out into the backyard.  I do this every morning, hoping to catch a glimpse of a deer or coyote.  I immediately saw an animal scurrying across the back of the yard.  It was too small to be a coyote or fox–so I guessed it was a possum or skunk.

Not even thinking twice, I went into the kitchen and let Jules out.  He was back in record time rubbing his face in the snow and then I immediately smelled it.  He got sprayed!

I quickly made a batch of homemade skunk off and wiped down his face.  I didn’t have time to do anything else, however, and just thought I’d deal with it when I got home.  A little later in the morning, I started getting messages from my family (who were all sleeping when this went down).

By this time, I was CRACKING up!  Like, seriously, it’s a little skunk smell– get over it.  I had an early morning meeting with colleagues and after we all sat down I asked them if they smelled skunk.  A few of them said yes.  I told them it was me and what happened.  The ones who had dogs that had been skunked offered me some advice and it was all ok.  My boys, on the other hand, were falling apart.   I thought it was my mom, making me laugh on her birthday and playing a joke.  But now, it’s escalated and I’m not so sure.

I did some major cleaning and bathing of the dog when I got home on Wednesday.  I thought by Wednesday night, it was barely noticeable.

Hubby complained ALL night Wednesday.

And he complained ALL night Thursday.

By Friday it was making him nuts.  He took 1/2 day off work and had Stanley Steamer come out and clean the carpet.  While home he washed all of the coats (they seemed to be the most stinky, not sure why) and the curtains.  He refused to let the dog sleep with us and I let him in the bed in the middle of the night so now hubby has been sleeping downstairs since 4am.  I’ll also add, that he was so incredibly crabby last night about the smell, he is absolutely ruining my weekend so far.  He’s usually not crabby, so I have a hard time dealing with it when he is.

Now it’s 7am and I feel pretty sad.  I hope today isn’t another crabby day.  If it is, then I might as well pack up and go to my BFFs for the weekend.  I promised her I would come up soon and last week was her birthday.  And, sadly enough, I’m smelling skunk more this morning than I did the past 2 days.  I think from the carpet being wet– I told him we should wait a bit before getting it cleaned.

Hoping for a fun Saturday with happy people ❤

 

 

Just Another Sunday Funday

Superbowl Sunday– woohoo!!

This is one of the few days per year that my neighborhood has a party.  Well, mainly one neighbor– but she does invite the entire neighborhood, which includes our half mile long dead end street.

I’m not sure if I’ll go to the party.  There is a lot of drinkers and free flowing drinks.  Actually, after the Halloween party, I’m not 100% sure that I’m invited back (kept sneaking the hostesses liquor.. well, she is very generous, so she wouldn’t have mind, just the fact that I took it in a sneaky way.. desperation and addiction is a tricky thing).  I DO know that I DO NOT want to drink today.  I mean, really I kind of do.  BUT, I don’t want to give my Sunday night away to alcohol and I don’t want to start my week hungover.  Time will tell if I will make it to the party.

It’s been a pretty great weekend so far.  I conked out around 10:30 on Friday night and slept all the way till 10:00 am.  I was pretty lazy but got in a 2 mile slow shuffle walk with hubs and also went to Sam’s club.  Sam’s club has the best berries!

Today I was up around 8:30.  I’m washing my bedding and just put in my grocery order.  It’s going to be almost 50 today, and I have a 5K planned (informal, virtual race for February.  Everytime I do it I have a chance to beat my time and improve my status in the virtual race).

I shopped with the Daily Dozen in mind.  I intend on eating more fruits and vegetables this week.

Also, one of my goals was to increase strength training.  I have been doing 8 minute abs (it’s older but really my favorite ab workout!) a few times each week.  I’m thinking about getting a total gym or something else that can help me with weight/strength training.

WELL.. that’s about it.  Running, cooking/baking, laundry, maybe tidy up the house a little… sounds like a Sunday Funday to me!!!