Day 14, woo hoo!!! Thinking about drinking more lately (It wasn’t THAT bad, I can stop again, etc etc). I’m doing a good job shutting off the voice when she makes suggestive moves, but feel like I might be dry drunkin’ it. Going to spend some good time with my soul next week when I’m done with my class. I want to continue working on the steps, but I’m leery about getting a sponsor. I’ve heard so many horror stories. Anyways, Happy Hump Day!!!!
Back to the grind today! Monday is especially brutal after a week off, but I made it in! Didn’t get up early to walk/run, and I did not do my ritual this morning either. BUT.. I made it to work and had time for a shower, so that’s something right?
I’m reading an awesome soul book. It’s called The Lotus and the Lily: Access the Wisdom of Buddha and Jesus to Nourish Your Beautiful, Abundant Life. It’s a 30 day guide that ends with making a mandala of all good things I want to come into my life. Day 5 is creating a ritual to be done at the same time each day. I have a candle to light, holy water to sprinkle on me, a prayer to say (that’s day 6) and planned to meditate for at least 5 minutes. BUT.. it all went out the window this morning. I was exhausted and didn’t have any energy to do anything extra. Tomorrow’s gonna be my day, gonna get up at 5:00 am and walk/run AND do the ritual. We went on a 10 mile bike ride yesterday, plus I walked for 30 mins so I figured it would be good to let my body rest anyways.
Work today has been good, but really I’m terribly tired and my back aches. Could be some PAWS happening also, it usually hits me bad at about 2-4 weeks.
Still not drinking and feeling SO grateful every day for this drive to stop. It’s strong this time, I’ve had a few situations pop up where I’ve thought about drinking (like an impromptu birthday party with the in laws at my house where I knew I’d have to listen to GOBS of complaining) but it was easy to ward off those thoughts because I DO NOT want a repeat of 12 days ago.
Ok, that’s all ❤ ❤ ❤
It’s Thursday and Spring Break is cruising right along, a little too fast for my liking. It hasn’t been a super productful week, but I’m still sober so I’ve felt grateful every day.
The weekend was pretty full. On Saturday, our friends came down from Bay City. My BFF, Debbie, brought a cake for my son’s 16th birthday, but one of their dogs decided to eat half of it on the way here. They brought both dogs to play with mine. We had a boxer for years and years (he died at 13) who lived the first 6 months in a cage (please don’t ever buy from a pet store. Please. Please. Please.). I worked at a veterinary hospital in high school and throughout college. This puppy had mange and by the time he was healed he was too old to be sold. He went to a family with a 3 year old, but they said he was too rambunctious and brought him back. I took him home for the weekend and never brought him back. BUT, he was always strange around other dogs (not attacking them, but acting so strange that other dogs would attack him). My point is that my BFF and I have had dogs our whole adult life but this is the first time that they’ve been friends and we’ve been able to bring our dogs to overnight trips at each other’s homes. And please, if you get anything from this page, please please adopt don’t shop.
That was the main excitement so far. I am taking classes for my Master’s and this is the first morning I haven’t been spending doing homework. I talked to a health coach on Monday and will again today. The first 30 days is free and it’s been helpful so far in pointing me in the right direction. I haven’t been back to see Dr. Tent since January. I’m tired of a billion supplements. I might go back when I’m a few months sober and have had more time to be in control of my health. I’m going to be strong enough though to say no to a bunch of stuff to take. My feet are pretty ok right now. I do need to work on keeping up my sobriety, and eating better and will try to decrease the pred again (every time I get down to less than 5mg a day I’m plagued with pain). My personal goal is to be off all meds and pain free.
On Monday I bit the bullet and ordered a cricut machine. My birthday was back in March and I’ve been thinking about getting one for my birthday, but wasn’t sure I’d use it as much as I think. It was supposed to come yesterday and I was so excited to spend this week playing with it, but now it’s running late and will be here today, tomorrow or Saturday. I HOPE it comes today, I want to play with it especially while I’m off work.
Yesterday I took the boys and Andrew (my teenage nephew) to visit my grandma. I kind of dreaded it but it was a nice visit. We played Euchre with her and it was almost like old times up in Luzerne. Speaking of Luzerne, when she lived up north she taught a religious recovery program for people with addiction. I have always wanted to ask her about it and yesterday I finally worked up the nerve. I also shared that I’ve been to AA and have a problem with the drink. She was shocked and said I didn’t have a problem. I shared that one day I found myself wanting to stop but not being able to and how scary of a place that was. She said her brother was a functioning alcoholic and would stop on his way home everyday from work for booze. It was a tad difficult conversation but long overdo and it felt good to be honest and vulnerable.
I also had a significant conversation with my 16 year old the other day. He was also shocked that I think I have a problem. Does he think that falling over drunk (it doesn’t happen often, but has happened especially like when we’re up north with other drinking family members) and not remembering conversations is normal? At any rate, I hope that I planted a seed that says you don’t have to be homeless and living under a bridge to have a problem. I also hope that I opened up paths that will allow him to feel comfortable talking to me about drinking and addiction. I warned him that addiction is genetic and he would need to be careful. I honed in on the fact that one day you’re in college drinking like everyone else and the next day you’re a 40 year old parent who still drinks and maybe can’t stop, and how awful of a place that is to be.
I think that’s about it. My niece stayed the night last night so I will probably take them up to Airtime for a little bit this morning. Also I’m hoping to get a nice walk in and maybe a bike ride later with hubby if it’s not too cold (it hasn’t been great weather this week– but that’s ok nature is in full force and warm temps will be here before we know it– I just wish it was this week!).
I’m kind of happy that I had that AWFUL day last week. It propelled me into wanting to stay sober. This week could have been very different had I been drinking. I am so grateful for day 8 today and still don’t have a desire to drink (I mean, I have longed for it occasionally at certain points, but shut the AV down quickly. I NEVER want to feel like I did last Thursday, EVER).
God Bless ❤ ❤ ❤
It’s been a busy couple of days. I drank once since the last time I wrote and I believe it’ll be the last. I was SO filled with guilt and shame the next day, it still makes me cry. This is what I posted in my sober circle that sums it up:
Super ugly post warning. I don’t remember having a day feeling this low. I wasn’t going to drink last night, but I did. I woke up in a puddle of piss. I WET the f’ing bed! I can’t even tell you the amount of shame and guilt I have today– over not just this but the enormity of it all. I showered this morning, but still felt like I smelled like piss all day. I hope (pray) it was in my head. I looked like garbage all day and functioned at probably less than 50%.
My hubby texted me twice throughout the day and both times I was reading into things thinking he’s going to boot me to the curb. How can he not hate me? And my poor kiddos– what the hell am I doing to them continuing to drink? It was so hard to go to school today and try to act normal when walking around with a boat load of shame, guilt, etc.
Fortunately, I have some good things to look forward to. My BFF is coming down this weekend to visit for my son’s bday. Next week is spring break and I am SO excited to get back to the things that are good for me and hopefully make it to some AA meetings, maybe even find a sponsor and start on these steps. I hope and pray that this is it. I’ve said that literally like 1000 times, BUT I don’t think I’ve ever felt this low. If you are the praying type, I would appreciate a prayer. I need all the prayers, positivity etc that I can get right now ❤
Now it is March 30th. That day that I posted this ended on a high note. Hubby was forgiving. We rode our bikes that evening up to have dinner. We didn’t talk about “it” other than me telling him that any and all alcohol in house must go (even the kind that gives me zero temptation) and that I HAVE to stop. The dinner, the 8 mile ride with the birds singing and frogs calling, the weather — it all was so refreshing and filled with so much life and renewed hope. I knew then that I can’t go back.
I felt much better the next day and find it absolutely amazing how much things can change in 24 hours.
For the moment, I’m keeping busy, but not tempted in the least. I tagged along last night with hubby, sons, brother in laws and nephew to see an awful movie (Marvel- I hate action and violence). It was a nice time though and we had dinner out which was delicious. My brother in law got a drink at the restaurant and again at the movies. I had no desire to join him or go home and drink. In fact, I talked to him for a bit about his longtime best friend (who coincidentally was our neighbor when we bought our first house) who lost his wife suddenly over a year ago. He was always a drinker but his wife kept him in line. He’s completely lost all control since she died. I am so sad for him. He’s choosing death over life. I hope he comes out of it.
My kids and I are off school next week for spring break. Timing is a pure blessing and could not be better. This will give me time to read, write, meditate, go to AA, set up an appointment with my old therapist, and work on my soul. And to think a week ago, I was actually going back and forth about drinking over break. I am so thankful to NOT have that internal dialogue in my head right now and the gift of sobriety today. Vacation is always so much better with a clear head and a clean soul ❤
One more thing.. Lately I have been reading some incredible books that I think will be life changing for me. One is The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne. The other one is, The Lotus and the Lily: Access the Wisdom of Buddha and Jesus to Nourish Your Beautiful, Abundant Life, by Janet Connor. I’m just getting started but am learning about some amazing principles. I can’t wait to share more as I embark upon this new and exciting journey!
Anyways, time to check some more things off my list. Have a GREAT weekend ❤ < 3 ❤
I’ve been thinking a lot about my thinking. I’ve been researching also and have read some really great books about our powerful mind– and that pesky voice– you know, the one I call Betsy.
I’ve been noticing things that intrigue me, and wondering. Why am I so depressed when I’m not sober? Is it because alcohol is a depressant? Or is it my addiction telling me that my life is so bad and stressful, that I need and deserve a drink.
Is this the same voice that tells me I’m fired when my key card doesn’t work? The same one that tells me parents are going to be angry at me? The one that tells me that I look like a chubby adolescent and should just finish the cake? The one that says I’m not good enough. Or smart enough. Or pretty enough.
WHO is this voice? And WHY does she have so much animosity toward me?
Do you have this voice too? What does yours say? Is yours as much as a negative Nancy as mine?
I’m giving ole’ Betsy (my inner alcoholic voice is named Betsy, after the horrid Betsy DeVos who is the spawn of a devil and is going to single handedly try to turn our public education into prison pipeline) the boot!
No more bashing on me, I’m not going to take it. And no more telling me I need the cake– or I need a drink. I WILL DECIDE what I need or want.
I’m going to give myself so much love and you should too ❤ ❤ ❤
My extended family
My health (mental, emotional, physical)
To remember going to bed and what I said
To be productive at work
To wake up clear headed and energized
To sleep well
To pursue my hobbies and create new ones
To be able to exercise and push myself harder
To finish that book
To finish reading all of those wonderful books
To shred the shame
To be my best
For happiness and peace
I am not always proud of my parenting skills– I think that is normal and to be expected. Sometimes I lose my temper, or don’t follow through with things.. But I am doing the best that I can and at the end of the day my boys know that they are loved.
Having a child with a chronic illness can be extra challenging sometimes. Our son was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when he was 13 years old. We were extremely lucky. His symptoms were found at a wellness visit and we were directed to the closest children’s hospital. We stayed for 3 days to get educated and we were well taken care of. Most of it seemed more like a hotel stay than being at the hospital. The Detroit Symphony Orchestra even came to the children’s floor to give a private concert. He wasn’t sick, he wasn’t in pain and while the diagnosis was a shock, I was completely grateful that he had an illness that could be completely controlled.
In the 2 years and 3 months that we’ve lived with diabetes, I think we’ve done just fine. It’s not always easy and we make mistakes, but we are doing the best that we can. And I am grateful that at age 15 he basically manages his diabetes without much help from us.
We have to get checkups every 3 months and they test his blood to see if his A1C has gone up or down or stayed the same. The lower the A1C, means his average blood sugar levels are ideal– so the goal is never to have an increased A1C.
Our drives to the hospital are sometimes stressful. He isn’t great about keeping his log updated (we religiously updated it that first year and constantly sent it to the hospital for them to monitor his numbers, but that becomes less necessary as time goes on and he’s able to change doses to meet his needs). So the drive can include me prodding him to backchecking his glucometer to update the log- plus me stressing to get him back to school- or home in time for the little one, etc. On my less than proud moments I might spend the drive lecturing him about high numbers he didn’t tell me about or not taking insulin BEFORE he eats.
Yesterday was our 3 month checkup. I picked him up from school and we had a nice drive. He played his favorite song (Africa, Toto) over and over again. I asked him how he thinks he’s doing. His response was surprising. “Not good at all. I’m always between 2 and 300 and I should have increased my Lantus (long acting insulin) dose. I don’t even know why I didn’t think of it until now. Yeah, this is not going good.”
You are managing a disease that even adults have a tough time with. Pretty much, On. Your. Own. He never ceases to amaze me and is one of my personal heroes.
I spent the rest of the drive reminding him of all of the things that he IS doing well. Plus, he’s still alive. HUGE bonus since he has a total nonworking pancreas and must do all of the work himself, manually, at every single meal.
Our visit was fine, although his A1C went up. They didn’t yell at us, but gave us some tips for lowering it. I have a feeling that our conversation in the car will help motivate him to stay on track more so than if I had yelled and berated him.
Yep, I’m not always proud of my parenting, but I feel like yesterday was a win. I’m going to remember to do more talking and less yelling and lecturing ❤
Yesterday was gross, like all of it, just ick.
It wasn’t what happened, so much, it was more how I felt and dealing with those feelings.
Not long ago, you see, those same exact feelings would have me reaching for external comfort– food, liquor, wine, pot… any of it would do.
So.. when what started as a positive and promising day turned south, it was only natural to want to high tail it to the party store. I don’t really, after all, have a problem, I mean I’ve had some good longer sober stretches so WHO cares if I drink like once a week?
Hook, line and sinker… and then Betsy does her triumphant dance.
NOT this time.
What did I do?
I wrote letters that I’ve been putting off for weeks (there is something oddly satisfying to handwriting heartfelt notes). I took the pup for a walk in the balmy cold. I sauteed a healthy dinner of veggies and eggs. I sat in my cozy chair and just thought for a bit. I still felt a tad down and sad after it was all said and done, but not that panicked “I have to consume something toxic” feeling that often overcomes me when I feel sad and lonely.
But I was still scared. I didn’t know how today would be and if these feelings would carry over and if I would be tempted and give into temptation.
But I woke up feeling Betsy’s triumph (MAN it was WONDERFUL). It’s still very early and I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I am feeling optimistic. One day and one moment at a time ❤
“Drinking today is borrowing tomorrow’s happiness” — not sure who originally said it, but it’s a brilliant quote with so much truth.
Yesterday I posted about suicide. It’s impacted me, and just about everyone else on planet earth.
I couldn’t fathom how anyone could do that to their family, particularly if you have kids. All I knew is that I DIDN’T know. Having another incident hit close to home, it’s been on my mind this week & has had me boggled as to WHY and HOW could someone do that?????
What am I doing?
When I continue to drink and pretend it’s not a problem, I’m slowly poisoning my body.
Me who can’t fathom choosing to leave their kids prematurely is choosing to shorten my life when I drink.
Mind blown & awakened, and determined more than ever.
I’m loving the Buddhist practices & life views, and keeping my mind clear of substances is one of them.
So is compassion. I’ve eaten mostly vegetarian for awhile now, with occasional fish, chicken or fast food burger. The past couple weeks I have stayed away from animal flesh. Totally unnecessary for me. Leveled with hubby over dinner the other day that eating animals always makes me feel bad, so I’m not going to do it. This makes me feel compassionate and peaceful.
Also, trying to reach inside myself when I’m feeling heavy emotions instead of reaching for external comforts. It’s all such a learning process 🥰
Feeling good about all of this 💙.
February 27, 2019– Day 2 and feeling optimistic. A lot of things are going on right now that are making me feel really weird– but not in a bad way.
I can’t remember when the teeny white feathers started, but I am finding them on or near me all of the time. I was excited at first, seeing it as a sign from my mom. BUT.. after finding several of them, I thought they were coming from the inside of my winter coat. I think it was after the 4th time or so I found one on my coat. BUT.. then I kept finding them, even when my coat was nowhere around. Tonight while cleaning up dinner, there was one on my stove.
Come to think of it, why did I even think my coat was stuffed with feathers? I knew that it can be a sign, but I haven’t looked it up recently, so, right now, as I’m writing this I decided to look it up. The very first thing that popped up and was highlighted was exactly what I was looking for. And the date it was posted happened to be on my mom’s death day.
The good news is that everything that I read about brought me tremendous warmth and comfort. An angel is near and watching over me and my loved ones are safe in heaven. Additionally, it may be a sign that I am on the right path or could be a clue to an answer I’ve been looking for. Hmmmm.. I’ll take it!
Other strange things have been happening this week. Learning of an attempted suicide of a parent at my school (and one of my previous parents so an associate of mine– and one that I had much admiration and respect for) left me feeling shocked and sad. Turns out he blogged about it and so of course I had to find and read it.
I don’t understand suicide but it has hit me personally. The same year my mom died, my hubby’s 22 year old cousin killed himself– totally out of the blue. A physically fit college athlete with good looks and from a typical family– it was a shock to everyone. About a year later a parent at my school hung himself. Great family whose wife was our PTA president. Another tragic shock. There have been others as well. A longtime friend of my mom’s, this one happening many years ago when she had young kids and I was a teenager. I just learned today that my dad’s cousin is currently in the hospital because of an attempted suicide. Everyone is impacted at one time or another by suicide.
I don’t get it, at all. I know that it’s because of a mental illness and that they truly truly believe that the world and their family will be better off without them. I understand that. But how can you leave your kids behind? Maybe I’m sensitive having lost my mother. I’ve felt pretty low at times these past few years, but I could never leave my kids motherless- especially knowing how awful it is to lose a parent.
So, I’m reading this blog and this guy (my previous parent who recently attempted suicide) got up one morning, showered, got ready for work, dropped his son off at school and instead of going to work, and on a complete impulse, he drove home and took all of his sleeping pills. His wife found him a few hours later and he was in a coma for days. I could immediately relate to that mental switch and impulsivity. It’s like on those few occasions that I was going strong in my sobriety and happily trucking along giving others motivation and advice and then I’m driving somewhere and my brain flips a switch. All of a sudden I’m hell bent on picking up wine and nobody can stop me, I am determined to drink. Sometimes I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Although, I will say that throughout my sobriety journey I feel like I’ve gotten better at controlling that impulsing and shooting down fleeting ideas as they popped up. It is still such a scary connection for me. Could my brain flip a switch and convince myself to end my life? I suppose it’s good to be fearful of this and aware that I am not immune.
Other things have appeared to be connected all week— like super weird coincidences and topics that keep popping up.
I’m going to work really hard at trying to listen to the signs and my soul, I truly think I am being led somewhere. Or maybe it’s just the Universe, or God or my Angel(s) leading me out of this rut I’ve been stuck in.
I’m not sure, but I’m really excited to see what this life has in store for me. I have been feeling positive and energized all day, and it’s been a long one 😉
One last saying to leave you with. “No mud, no lotus” Maybe this journey is helping me perfect the art of suffering.
I feel full of hope and happiness ❤
Update: an hour later I found another, larger white feather on the living room floor 🤷🏼♀️