Today is Tuesday and it has been a successful week so far. I want to also celebrate the fact, that besides that funk I found myself in early on, this summer has pretty much been free of depression. This tells me that I am nurturing my soul and living in a way that makes myContinue reading “Two Very Different Meetings”
Being able to remember last night Not having to worry about what you said or did Waking up with a clear head Waking up without a pounding headache, physical aches and general feelings of physical and mental angst Enjoying the taste of an AF drink Having enough energy to exercise The physical, mental and spiritualContinue reading “26 Reasons Why Sobriety Rocks”
I spent the past few weeks white knuckling it and had not kept up on my recovery tools and activities. I was so tired of not having control over things– including my own thoughts that were telling me to drink. Deciding to drink felt like it was the one thing that I could control.
July 24, 2018 This summer has been the most cousinest summer ever! Given 10 random days, at least 9 of them would include at least 1 cousin hanging at our house. It has been nice having a full house. My 14 year old nephew has been living with his grandparents, my inlaws. They live behindContinue reading “Cousin Summer and the Return of My Disease”
Oooooh if I could just bottle up these thoughts & save them for when I am tempted in the future, I would in a heartbeat! While it appears Betsy (my inner alcoholic) is expired forever, I know that really she is off on a holiday somewhere doing push-ups, waiting for the perfect time to make a great comeback.
As I was riding and feeling so alive, I thought about alcohol for a millisecond. I thought about how I used to drink it to celebrate when I was super happy and how I used to drink it to drown my sorrows when I was sad. Getting a new car would certainly be a reason to toast and chug down glass after glass of wine. I felt so incredibly grateful for being where I am at– picking up my bike at 9pm NOT a glass of poison. THIS is living, living the good life.
I need to continue to work on step 2 a bit. I love my higher power and the idea of Him– but I’m not 100% confident that I know how to access my HP when Betsy talks me into a drink. I mean, I’m not planning on drinking. I haven’t had any urges or cravings lately, but know that eventually they will come. If Betsy starts to win the argument in my head (this has happened before), I don’t know how to use my HP to stop the thoughts in my head.
For the longest time, I have been fighting this alone. Talking to people at meetings is great, but they aren’t there when I’m at home and a mental battle is going on in my head. It’s like I have two voices– me and then Betsy, my inner alcoholic voice. For the first time ever, I felt like it was US against Betsy– two against one. It was an uplifting and empowering realization.
I am SO happy with our life. I love the life that we’ve built. We have terrific kids and I couldn’t ask for a more supportive spouse. This is the majorly confusing part for me. This one thing, this one little thing is the only thing that is making me unhappy. I should have control over it, but it seems to have complete control over me.