I spent the past few weeks white knuckling it and had not kept up on my recovery tools and activities. I was so tired of not having control over things– including my own thoughts that were telling me to drink. Deciding to drink felt like it was the one thing that I could control.
July 24, 2018 This summer has been the most cousinest summer ever! Given 10 random days, at least 9 of them would include at least 1 cousin hanging at our house. It has been nice having a full house. My 14 year old nephew has been living with his grandparents, my inlaws. They live behindContinue reading “Cousin Summer and the Return of My Disease”
Oooooh if I could just bottle up these thoughts & save them for when I am tempted in the future, I would in a heartbeat! While it appears Betsy (my inner alcoholic) is expired forever, I know that really she is off on a holiday somewhere doing push-ups, waiting for the perfect time to make a great comeback.
As I was riding and feeling so alive, I thought about alcohol for a millisecond. I thought about how I used to drink it to celebrate when I was super happy and how I used to drink it to drown my sorrows when I was sad. Getting a new car would certainly be a reason to toast and chug down glass after glass of wine. I felt so incredibly grateful for being where I am at– picking up my bike at 9pm NOT a glass of poison. THIS is living, living the good life.
I need to continue to work on step 2 a bit. I love my higher power and the idea of Him– but I’m not 100% confident that I know how to access my HP when Betsy talks me into a drink. I mean, I’m not planning on drinking. I haven’t had any urges or cravings lately, but know that eventually they will come. If Betsy starts to win the argument in my head (this has happened before), I don’t know how to use my HP to stop the thoughts in my head.
For the longest time, I have been fighting this alone. Talking to people at meetings is great, but they aren’t there when I’m at home and a mental battle is going on in my head. It’s like I have two voices– me and then Betsy, my inner alcoholic voice. For the first time ever, I felt like it was US against Betsy– two against one. It was an uplifting and empowering realization.
I am SO happy with our life. I love the life that we’ve built. We have terrific kids and I couldn’t ask for a more supportive spouse. This is the majorly confusing part for me. This one thing, this one little thing is the only thing that is making me unhappy. I should have control over it, but it seems to have complete control over me.