Easter 2019

I’m going to make this quick because it’s already almost 11 am and I need to work on my final project for my class that I’ve been putting off ALL weekend.  I wanted to get up super early today to work on it, but couldn’t sleep till after 3am, therefore I slept in until 9. I knew I should have gotten up around 3 am and got it done, I’m not too old for an all nighter, right?

It IS Easter Sunday, but not really a significant day to me– other than we filled baskets for the boys and hid them, and colored eggs yesterday for the Easter Bunny to hide.  Other than that, I just have a lot of things to do today, mainly from slacking all weekend.

It is going to be warm today, almost 70!  I want to go with hubby and the dog to that state park that I love by the river.  I can’t wait to walk in the afternoon warm sunshine!

I went to Tractor Supply yesterday and bought a seed starter set and a bunch of seeds.  I’m going to set up my flimsy greenhouse later and plant my seeds.  Garden season is quickly approaching 🙂

I want to get my house picked up but am SO excited because I have a lady coming tomorrow to quote me on cleaning my house.  If I like what she says she can come back on Wednesday and do a deep cleaning.  I’ve had people clean before and am really picky, so I’m kind of skeptical but we’ll see.

I have an IEP on Thursday that I haven’t even started.  I was going to do that this weekend, but will probably just work on it during prep/evenings this week.  The good in this is that this was a volatile meeting last year with an advocate.  The parents fought hard to get this child special education services (she initially did not qualify through the school’s evaluation, so the parents paid for an outside evaluations, which pretty much always qualify kids– they tell parents whatever they want to hear).  So, that was my first experience with the parents (father is lawyer and has been known to be rude to our staff).  One year later and the child has done tremendously well, I have a great relationship with the family, and they do not feel the need to bring the advocate to her meeting (the advocate they use is well known and notorious for being a huge asshole to school personnel).   It’s still a little nerve racking, but I’m thankful to have a good relationship with the parents, that helps SO much!

One more thing.. I made yogurt in my instant pot!  It’s been fermenting for almost 24 hours now.  I have to get it out, store away then clean up the IP.  Shouldn’t take long and hopefully the yogurt (which is diary free) turns out good.  I’ve been eating mostly vegan, so I haven’t had my daily treat of yogurt or cottage cheese with fruit.  Its one of my favorite snacks– so I’m hopeful!

Not sure what we’re having for dinner tonight and I really don’t care.  It will NOT include a ham or turkey.  It may include my grill and some veggie burgers though 😉

Ok– peace out, time to get to work!  ❤

(OH, day 25 today, HOORAY)

Day 21

It feels so good to keep the momentum going!  It’s been a tiring but great few weeks.  I’m not exactly riding the pink cloud, as they say, but I am enjoying NOT thinking about drinking every second of every day.  I barely even think of it at all.  Once in awhile the thought will run across my mind, “You could drink wine.”  I don’t THINK so, Betsy!  The last time I did that I woke up in a puddle of piss!! I spent the next day worrying about my husband leaving me and how I was going to clean all of my bedding, including the expensive giant heating pad I have for my mattress that was now covered in stinky piss!

So yeah, Betsy is and continues to be on probation.  I think she should actually get jail time.  She has no business trying to ruin my life all the time and making me think that I need to drink poison to have fun.  Conniving B**** !  I see right through her.

Nothing else really to write.  Today at work is a LONG day of testing (currently on my lunch).  I have a meeting after work and then it’ll just be me and my youngest tonight, as hubby and oldest have life guarding class.  They had to write a lesson plan for disabled swimming student for today.  Hubby’s student is missing his legs.  My teen’s student is missing his arms.  They are really pushing the accommodations practice 😛

This has been a short week, but an exhausting one!  Especially today, I woke up late and have been dragging my behind around ALL day long.  Just have to make it through tomorrow 🙂

Make it a great day everyone ❤

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Magnificent Monday

A Monday without work is a magnificent Monday indeed!

And, sadly, it’s going to come to an end pretty soon. That’s quite ok. Friday is Good Friday, so it’ll be a nice 3 day work week.

This past weekend has been just excellent. Friday night was pretty lazy and I was out cold by 10:30pm. I woke up around 4:00 am to let my dog out and then again to start the day around 7:30. I fed the animals and then ate some leftover quiche. I was still feeling really groggy, so I went to bed after stuffing my face and didn’t wake up until 11:30! This is a true pic of me at 11:30 just realizing that I’m about to be suffocated by a small house lion.

Have I mentioned how completely frickin’ awesome sober sleep is???

After getting up and drinking loads of coffee, I was finally ready to start the day. Nevermind that it was almost 3:00pm. It was nice weather and supposed to rain all day Sunday, so I HAD to spend some time outside. I went to Proud Lake to hike on the trails by the river. Jules and I walked 4 miles and fed our souls with lots of Vitamin D and happiness. Everyone we passed was friendly and chipper– I think we are all overly ecstatic for spring temps to get here for good! I mean, Saturday was nice but we did wake up to a dusting of snow on Sunday.

Sunday was nothing but LAZY. I was up by 8:00 am, but napped a couple of times throughout the afternoon. Hubby and our youngest were home from their camping trip by 9:00am. They were exhausted and had a lazy day right along with me.

Monday was a more productive day. I got up, showered and went to Trader Joes. I found some herbs at a killer deal so I decided to start a small herb garden inside. I went to Hobby Lobby and got an indoor planter. Then I used my cricut machine to add some decorative letters. My sister and kids kind of think it’s gross and that the “poo particles” will fertilize the plants, and that’s disgusting. And just a side note, I’ve heard the phrase “poo particles” WAY too much this past year! I say the herbs will be pure and will grow well and make the bathroom smell good– it’s a win win!

After my project, I walked the dog 2.5 miles and then started getting ready for tomorrow (fun, fun!).

What am I most excited about today? WHY, it’s day 19!!! I am feeling better and better mentally and spend WAY less time thinking about drinking than I did while drinking or just a few days sober. I know that it might get tough again soon. I seem to relapse a lot around the 3 week mark. I blame PAWS and also amnesia of how bad it really WAS while I was drinking. I still have the ‘piss bed’ fresh in my mind and the horrifying day that followed, so I’m hoping to ride on that wave all week. WELL, it wasn’t that awful, just my mind ridden with guilt and shame and feeling the lowest I’ve felt in a LONG time. I don’t want to go back here, ever again.

Wishing you all peace, love and happiness ❤ ❤ ❤

Hooray for Friday, Longest Week Ever

This has been an excruciating LONG week. Coming back from Spring Break is never a treat, especially since we started giving students the state assessment beginning the week after break. The state assessment is the devil. It does not seem to align much with the curriculum we are supposed to be teaching (thank you Common Core), and is inappropriate for many of my kids. Actually, I think it’s inappropriate for all of the kids. So much so that the last time I checked 80% of our students (meaning ALL of the students in Michigan) were not proficient in science. Math and ELA had similar results, which leads me to wonder, WHAT are we measuring??? It’s a moot point.

I’m very excited to go into this weekend feeling strong and sober. I haven’t had this level of confidence and happiness in a long time. They are both fluid and can change in an instant, but overall I feel strong, grateful and elated to be going into my 3rd week. It seems to get quite a bit easier after 30 days. Celebrating day 16 today 🙂

I’m not sure what all I’ll do this weekend, but as a treat I took Monday off! Our students have 1/2 day and the other 1/2 is records day and we are allowed to work from home. I JUST finished my records this morning, so Monday will be a free day for me. That makes me SOOOOO happy!!! Hubby and my youngest are going camping with scouts all weekend, which means I’ll be stuck home with the teenager. I already tried to get him to go to painting with a twist with me, but he said no way. I’m thinking we might do dinner and the movies on Saturday, or some type of fun, we will see. I also want to work on my LAST (hooray) paper for my class. Next week is the final week and my last week of homework (double hooray!). I also want to get in a couple good walks this weekend, maybe even a hike at Proud Lake.

So… yeah.. life is good ❤ Life is always so much better when I’m sober ❤ I think I FINALLY learned that nothing good ever comes out of drinking and it does nothing more than lead me down an endless rabbit hole. No thank you, Betsy! I’m gonna do life on MY terms ❤

Happy Hump Day

Day 14, woo hoo!!! Thinking about drinking more lately (It wasn’t THAT bad, I can stop again, etc etc). I’m doing a good job shutting off the voice when she makes suggestive moves, but feel like I might be dry drunkin’ it. Going to spend some good time with my soul next week when I’m done with my class. I want to continue working on the steps, but I’m leery about getting a sponsor. I’ve heard so many horror stories. Anyways, Happy Hump Day!!!!

On the 12th Day…

Back to the grind today! Monday is especially brutal after a week off, but I made it in! Didn’t get up early to walk/run, and I did not do my ritual this morning either. BUT.. I made it to work and had time for a shower, so that’s something right?

I’m reading an awesome soul book. It’s called The Lotus and the Lily: Access the Wisdom of Buddha and Jesus to Nourish Your Beautiful, Abundant Life. It’s a 30 day guide that ends with making a mandala of all good things I want to come into my life. Day 5 is creating a ritual to be done at the same time each day. I have a candle to light, holy water to sprinkle on me, a prayer to say (that’s day 6) and planned to meditate for at least 5 minutes. BUT.. it all went out the window this morning. I was exhausted and didn’t have any energy to do anything extra. Tomorrow’s gonna be my day, gonna get up at 5:00 am and walk/run AND do the ritual. We went on a 10 mile bike ride yesterday, plus I walked for 30 mins so I figured it would be good to let my body rest anyways.

Work today has been good, but really I’m terribly tired and my back aches. Could be some PAWS happening also, it usually hits me bad at about 2-4 weeks.

Still not drinking and feeling SO grateful every day for this drive to stop. It’s strong this time, I’ve had a few situations pop up where I’ve thought about drinking (like an impromptu birthday party with the in laws at my house where I knew I’d have to listen to GOBS of complaining) but it was easy to ward off those thoughts because I DO NOT want a repeat of 12 days ago.

Ok, that’s all ❤ ❤ ❤

Cruise Control

It’s Thursday and Spring Break is cruising right along, a little too fast for my liking. It hasn’t been a super productful week, but I’m still sober so I’ve felt grateful every day.

The weekend was pretty full. On Saturday, our friends came down from Bay City. My BFF, Debbie, brought a cake for my son’s 16th birthday, but one of their dogs decided to eat half of it on the way here. They brought both dogs to play with mine. We had a boxer for years and years (he died at 13) who lived the first 6 months in a cage (please don’t ever buy from a pet store. Please. Please. Please.). I worked at a veterinary hospital in high school and throughout college. This puppy had mange and by the time he was healed he was too old to be sold. He went to a family with a 3 year old, but they said he was too rambunctious and brought him back. I took him home for the weekend and never brought him back. BUT, he was always strange around other dogs (not attacking them, but acting so strange that other dogs would attack him). My point is that my BFF and I have had dogs our whole adult life but this is the first time that they’ve been friends and we’ve been able to bring our dogs to overnight trips at each other’s homes. And please, if you get anything from this page, please please adopt don’t shop.

That was the main excitement so far. I am taking classes for my Master’s and this is the first morning I haven’t been spending doing homework. I talked to a health coach on Monday and will again today. The first 30 days is free and it’s been helpful so far in pointing me in the right direction. I haven’t been back to see Dr. Tent since January. I’m tired of a billion supplements. I might go back when I’m a few months sober and have had more time to be in control of my health. I’m going to be strong enough though to say no to a bunch of stuff to take. My feet are pretty ok right now. I do need to work on keeping up my sobriety, and eating better and will try to decrease the pred again (every time I get down to less than 5mg a day I’m plagued with pain). My personal goal is to be off all meds and pain free.

On Monday I bit the bullet and ordered a cricut machine. My birthday was back in March and I’ve been thinking about getting one for my birthday, but wasn’t sure I’d use it as much as I think. It was supposed to come yesterday and I was so excited to spend this week playing with it, but now it’s running late and will be here today, tomorrow or Saturday. I HOPE it comes today, I want to play with it especially while I’m off work.

Yesterday I took the boys and Andrew (my teenage nephew) to visit my grandma. I kind of dreaded it but it was a nice visit. We played Euchre with her and it was almost like old times up in Luzerne. Speaking of Luzerne, when she lived up north she taught a religious recovery program for people with addiction. I have always wanted to ask her about it and yesterday I finally worked up the nerve. I also shared that I’ve been to AA and have a problem with the drink. She was shocked and said I didn’t have a problem. I shared that one day I found myself wanting to stop but not being able to and how scary of a place that was. She said her brother was a functioning alcoholic and would stop on his way home everyday from work for booze. It was a tad difficult conversation but long overdo and it felt good to be honest and vulnerable.

I also had a significant conversation with my 16 year old the other day. He was also shocked that I think I have a problem. Does he think that falling over drunk (it doesn’t happen often, but has happened especially like when we’re up north with other drinking family members) and not remembering conversations is normal? At any rate, I hope that I planted a seed that says you don’t have to be homeless and living under a bridge to have a problem. I also hope that I opened up paths that will allow him to feel comfortable talking to me about drinking and addiction. I warned him that addiction is genetic and he would need to be careful. I honed in on the fact that one day you’re in college drinking like everyone else and the next day you’re a 40 year old parent who still drinks and maybe can’t stop, and how awful of a place that is to be.

I think that’s about it. My niece stayed the night last night so I will probably take them up to Airtime for a little bit this morning. Also I’m hoping to get a nice walk in and maybe a bike ride later with hubby if it’s not too cold (it hasn’t been great weather this week– but that’s ok nature is in full force and warm temps will be here before we know it– I just wish it was this week!).

I’m kind of happy that I had that AWFUL day last week. It propelled me into wanting to stay sober. This week could have been very different had I been drinking. I am so grateful for day 8 today and still don’t have a desire to drink (I mean, I have longed for it occasionally at certain points, but shut the AV down quickly. I NEVER want to feel like I did last Thursday, EVER).

God Bless ❤ ❤ ❤

24 Hours

It’s been a busy couple of days. I drank once since the last time I wrote and I believe it’ll be the last. I was SO filled with guilt and shame the next day, it still makes me cry. This is what I posted in my sober circle that sums it up:

Super ugly post warning. I don’t remember having a day feeling this low. I wasn’t going to drink last night, but I did. I woke up in a puddle of piss. I WET the f’ing bed! I can’t even tell you the amount of shame and guilt I have today– over not just this but the enormity of it all. I showered this morning, but still felt like I smelled like piss all day. I hope (pray) it was in my head. I looked like garbage all day and functioned at probably less than 50%.

My hubby texted me twice throughout the day and both times I was reading into things thinking he’s going to boot me to the curb. How can he not hate me? And my poor kiddos– what the hell am I doing to them continuing to drink? It was so hard to go to school today and try to act normal when walking around with a boat load of shame, guilt, etc.

Fortunately, I have some good things to look forward to. My BFF is coming down this weekend to visit for my son’s bday. Next week is spring break and I am SO excited to get back to the things that are good for me and hopefully make it to some AA meetings, maybe even find a sponsor and start on these steps. I hope and pray that this is it. I’ve said that literally like 1000 times, BUT I don’t think I’ve ever felt this low. If you are the praying type, I would appreciate a prayer. I need all the prayers, positivity etc that I can get right now ❤

Now it is March 30th. That day that I posted this ended on a high note. Hubby was forgiving. We rode our bikes that evening up to have dinner. We didn’t talk about “it” other than me telling him that any and all alcohol in house must go (even the kind that gives me zero temptation) and that I HAVE to stop. The dinner, the 8 mile ride with the birds singing and frogs calling, the weather — it all was so refreshing and filled with so much life and renewed hope. I knew then that I can’t go back.

I felt much better the next day and find it absolutely amazing how much things can change in 24 hours.

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For the moment, I’m keeping busy, but not tempted in the least. I tagged along last night with hubby, sons, brother in laws and nephew to see an awful movie (Marvel- I hate action and violence). It was a nice time though and we had dinner out which was delicious. My brother in law got a drink at the restaurant and again at the movies. I had no desire to join him or go home and drink. In fact, I talked to him for a bit about his longtime best friend (who coincidentally was our neighbor when we bought our first house) who lost his wife suddenly over a year ago. He was always a drinker but his wife kept him in line. He’s completely lost all control since she died. I am so sad for him. He’s choosing death over life. I hope he comes out of it.

My kids and I are off school next week for spring break. Timing is a pure blessing and could not be better. This will give me time to read, write, meditate, go to AA, set up an appointment with my old therapist, and work on my soul. And to think a week ago, I was actually going back and forth about drinking over break. I am so thankful to NOT have that internal dialogue in my head right now and the gift of sobriety today. Vacation is always so much better with a clear head and a clean soul ❤

One more thing.. Lately I have been reading some incredible books that I think will be life changing for me. One is The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne. The other one is, The Lotus and the Lily: Access the Wisdom of Buddha and Jesus to Nourish Your Beautiful, Abundant Life, by Janet Connor. I’m just getting started but am learning about some amazing principles. I can’t wait to share more as I embark upon this new and exciting journey!

Anyways, time to check some more things off my list. Have a GREAT weekend ❤ < 3 ❤

The Devil Inside

I’ve been thinking a lot about my thinking. I’ve been researching also and have read some really great books about our powerful mind– and that pesky voice– you know, the one I call Betsy.

I’ve been noticing things that intrigue me, and wondering. Why am I so depressed when I’m not sober? Is it because alcohol is a depressant? Or is it my addiction telling me that my life is so bad and stressful, that I need and deserve a drink.

Is this the same voice that tells me I’m fired when my key card doesn’t work? The same one that tells me parents are going to be angry at me? The one that tells me that I look like a chubby adolescent and should just finish the cake? The one that says I’m not good enough. Or smart enough. Or pretty enough.

WHO is this voice? And WHY does she have so much animosity toward me?

Do you have this voice too? What does yours say? Is yours as much as a negative Nancy as mine?

I’m giving ole’ Betsy (my inner alcoholic voice is named Betsy, after the horrid Betsy DeVos who is the spawn of a devil and is going to single handedly try to turn our public education into prison pipeline) the boot!

No more bashing on me, I’m not going to take it. And no more telling me I need the cake– or I need a drink. I WILL DECIDE what I need or want.

I’m going to give myself so much love and you should too ❤ ❤ ❤

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My WHY

My kids

My hubby

My extended family

My health (mental, emotional, physical)

My students

To remember going to bed and what I said

To be productive at work

To wake up clear headed and energized

To sleep well

To pursue my hobbies and create new ones

To be able to exercise and push myself harder

To finish that book

To finish reading all of those wonderful books

Bed parties

Belly laughs

To shred the shame

To be my best

For happiness and peace