This name came to me during a long stretch which left me stuck in the cycle of addiction. I wanted to stop drinking badly, but I couldn’t.  I knew that the Devil had me in the clutch of his hands, and that’s how this name was born.

In May 2016, I woke up with severe chest pains.  Barely able to take deep breaths, I immediately made an appointment at my doctor’s office.  They did blood work to rule out a blood clot and ended up calling me the next day and telling me that I needed to go to the ER for a chest MRI. The blood work showed that I could have a clot and needed an MRI to see.  I didn’t have a blood clot, but the MRI showed that I had fluid between my lungs and rib cage, a condition called Pleural Effusion.  This could have a number of causes including the autoimmune disease I have, Rheumatoid Arthritis.  In researching this condition at home, I discovered that it could also be caused by liver problems.

When I went to the general practitioner for a follow up in June, I was still having mild pains in my chest and silently worried about my liver.  I had been drinking wine or hard liquor nearly every single night for years.  I was honest with the doctor and told him that I was concerned about my liver.  Unlike most, I was completely honest about how much I was drinking. I wanted to stop and knew that I needed help.

I inquired about inpatient treatment.  He highly discouraged it because of the drug addicts who would be there, he didn’t think it was the right choice for me.  He talked about a great group at his office led by their great social worker (the doctor talked him up) and told me to call.  The social worker must’ve quit at the same time because I called immediately and learned that no such program was offered by this medical office.  I called a different program and they wouldn’t take me on because I was still actively drinking– and according to the social worker I talked to, quitting without medical supervision could kill me. I then called the inpatient center the doctor told me not to attend, but they never called me back.

By now it was July 2016 and my drinking was as out of control as ever.  I wanted to stop drinking but I had no idea how.   I felt failed by modern medicine and that I was a hopeless case.  I continued to drink the rest of 2016 away.

In January 2017, I discovered a podcast called The Recovery Elevator.  I listened to interviews everyday.  I joined the Facebook group and began to connect to others like me.  However, I was still drinking nightly.  I followed the posts of these happy, sober individuals and it seemed like they were in the colorful land of Oz, while I was stuck in black and white Kansas.  

In February 2017, with the support of the Recovery Elevator and the knowledge I gained from listening to dozens of interviews, I was able to quit for over 90 days.  Since then, I’ve had a handful of relapses and day 1’s, but I’m not discouraged and am learning each and every day.

This blog is a genuine and raw journey that started when I was still in the jaws of the devil. My wish is that by sharing my story– someone who was as desperate as I was can find hope.  ❤

#addiction #alcoholaddiction #alcoholic #recovery #addictionrecovery #soberliving