September 6, 2017:
“When you’re drinking, it’s kind of like your life is clouded with a dark shroud. The sun is less bright, jokes are less funny, semi stressful situations seem impossibly daunting and the list goes on.
I’m not sure why I chose to do this to myself the week of going back to work. When you work at a school, the first days of school are the most harried, always. Why would I choose to feel exhausted, drained, brain fogged, etc, especially after the joyous 18 AF days I’ve just had?
Waking up has been the worst. My head is killing me each morning, I can barely drag myself out of bed and even after I get ready and drive to work, it is super hard to stay focused. Oh, and I feel like I smell funny– mainly my breath and dry mouth. Getting up early to walk/run is absolutely out of the question, I can barely get the necessities done.
I am back to another Day 1, and am feeling rather defeated. I am not drinking tonight, but know that it has to be taken one day at a time, so I really don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I am reaching out in my groups and listening to Recovery Elevator during my commute. Meetings aren’t possible this week with my schedule. Writing this helps, which is why I do it, regardless of the repetitive Day 1 posts.
Wish me good luck and success. I was so happy and excited to have 18 days, and I felt mentally and physically great. I don’t want to go through each day shaded with a black shroud, I want to be happy and free from this devil’s grip <3″
Sunday September 5, 2021- Labor Day Weekend:
This weekend is the ultimate Sunday night for many teachers in Michigan, as we’ll welcome new classes on the Tuesday after. It can be extremely nerve racking starting a new year. I’ve heard other teachers say that they can never sleep– like at all– the night before the first day.
I’m so incredibly grateful for my headspace this year. I don’t feel the stress like I used to. I used to think that it was what it was, period. I assumed that if I won the lotto– and never had to go back to work in September again, then Labor Day weekend would finally be stress free, and carefree. But until then, Labor Day would always carry negative vibes associated with getting back to the grind.
While I’m a little sad to lose the extra free time I had this summer, I’m mostly excited to go back. I do like having a structured schedule and work helps with keeping that up. I’m excited to work with my students and have some new ideas that I’m excited to try with them. And I do love the summer weather, but there’s something refreshing about cooler air, fall colors, cozy fires and sweater boots.
Yesterday, I was thinking about, well dreading, the dead of winter coming. I was looking at my green yard and listening to the loud chorus coming from a plethora of bugs and birds, and it got me thinking.
The dead of winter is important- it’s part of the cycle. It can be seen as cold, barren and miserable– or it can be seen as a time of rejuvenation and rebirth.
You can cuss at the bitter cold and having to bundle up– or you could bundle up and find a sled and a hill, or some ice skates, or skiis. Cross country if you don’t know how to downhill ski. You could look out the window and wish the snow away, or snuggle up with warm blanket and good book.
It gets tiring, at least in the North USA where I’m at, but hopefully I can maintain a good attitude about the cold, at least till about February.
The best part of all is knowing that however awful the cold might be, especially if it extends into March, spring weather will reward us with temperatures fitting to leave the bulky coats and gloves at home. It will be light, and loud outside in the morning and warm enough to not have to defrost the car.
Without the suffering (using this term very loosely here!), we wouldn’t have the joy of spring. I’m realizing this more and more with situations in life. As much as the pain and hardship really stinks sometimes, without it, our lives would be bleak.
I haven’t written in a minute, so I just wanted to pop on and say hi. Since Labor Day weekend has always been sort of a stressor/trigger, I thought it would be fun to reflect. I always love reading old blogs of mine, because sometimes I can’t even believe how much my life has changed in 5 years. I mean, it’s all the little things, but oh my gosh, the little things really are the big things!
That’s why it’s important to write, because you will forget.
My favorite part in that post from 2017 is the mention of my many day 1’s. OOOOOH I had so many!!! I thought that WordPress was going to hunt my blog down and banish it forever for false claims. And I thought that anyone reading would think I was (every bad name in the book).
Today I have so much compassion and empathy for anyone in the cycle.
Okay, that’s all. I’ve been working on my Trilogy (finally!) and making good headway with book #3 and that’s what I’m planning on working on next. I’m going to enjoy every second of this awesome Sunday <3