Being Weird

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Day 879

Yesterday was a family birthday party at the beach. MAN, these used to stress me out so bad! Even just as little as six months ago, I would sometimes be a mess right before or right after- or both! Yesterday I nailed it. Even though the same family members brought the same crap, I was able to not let it affect me. A big win!

It wasn’t a great time, to be honest. There’s a lot of sadness in my family right now, and you could feel it underneath the smiles. I left feeling empty and sad for a minute- until I traded those emotions for something better. After getting home, I had my own “pool party” since the beach was a bust, it was about 100 degrees and the beach water was too gross for me to want to swim. I had my floatie, music and a new book and felt like a new woman after just a few minutes.

 

Since my oldest just had his wisdom teeth out, he and hubby didn’t come to the beach party.

My youngest and I rode there carefree with the music up and the windows down. He is almost 13 and although I’ve tried to give away all the guilt I have from drinking so much when he was young, it’s still there. I know this because whenever I think about it, it makes me cry. I need to find peace with it, yesterday our ride helped a little.

We stopped at the grocery for a few things on the way to the party, and got ourselves chocolate Twizzlers for the ride there.

We passed a cool looking guy in a corvette, and as we passed I shook the long licorice I had sticking out of my mouth at him, to the beat of the music.

I was just being silly, and my kiddo said, “he’s going to think you are drunk” with a laugh. This took me by surprise, he doesn’t talk about me being drunk or drinking a lot, I don’t think he remembers a lot of it. I told him that I was high on life and it was so much better than being drunk- but we laughed regardless.

During the same ride, he said something else that was funny. Out of the blue he says, “when I turn 21, I’m going to go into the bar looking and acting really tough and then – order a water.”

I promptly told him that tough guys do drink water Then I asked him why he isn’t going to drink alcohol. He said because it’s addictive, and stupid to drink. Maybe it’s because of me, my experience- or something else entirely- but regardless, I love his outlook and hope he continues to see alcohol for what it truly is. My eighteen- year-old has the same outlook, but his reason has a lot ot do with him being a type 1 diabetic. Shortly after he was first diagnosed, we were at a party across the street. Our neighbors were telling us about their college friend with diabetes. They said he’d be annihilated on booze at the bar, but somehow would know when he needed insulin and would get coherent enough to give himself a shot (of insulin, not whiskey). Plus my sister-in-law is a type 1 and has drank for years. So, I guess in my mind, it doesn’t matter what you have, anyone can get sucked into drinking addiction. But I hope that he has enough alcoholic role models in his life to want to stay away. Plus, he knows my story and hardships way more than my youngest, just because he was older. These little funny conversations we have about alcohol make me feel a little better about my mistakes and help me to forgive myself. 

It’s Sunday morning now, almost 6:00am. Last night was the full moon, a powerful one, and I went to bed early so I wanted to make sure I was up early to soak up some of this energy

My early Sunday morning view

Sadly, this is the last full week of summer break for me. Next Tuesday is my first day back. I’m sort of ready, sort of not. Each year these past couple years, I start the year with different views/motivations/etc. This year, I feel like I’ve been doing everything wrong. I’ve been putting way too much, or maybe even all my emphasis on how successful of a teacher I am on paper. I crossed all my t, dotted my i’s, got all my testing done and all my IEPs were completed on time. In reality, this really is zero indication of how well my students are doing. This year I realize how very little my paperwork really matters. And I someone knew that all along, don’t get me wrong. But I think that now I’ll be able to stand up against paperwork if/when needed. I don’t think I had that motivation or drive before,  I just wasn’t aware like I am now. It feels good, but also slightly bad like I have to break some rules to do a good job and be effective with my kiddos. I’m going into the year feeling more confident than the years before, and less afraid. So yeah, I’m ready to do this. Oh and it’s already SO political with parents who are unhappy if we require masks, not to be confused with the livid parents who demand we require masks. I’m going to 1000% completely ignore all political shit like this this year- or at least try to. 

 

 

 

 

Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

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