Day 844 – I Can Self-Soothe

Last Saturday got interesting after my I posted about my kiddo. I was taking care of him and thinking that he should be at a hospital, well I got my wish, I guess. Sometime after I wrote, he started to run a fever and it began to rise fast. He was too painful to move much, so we had to call EMS to get him out.

I was a little relieved to take him to the experts, and we eagerly waited for the ambulance.

My sister met and married a man much younger than her about 6-7 years ago. He turned out to be abusive and she divorced him a few years later, which was an ordeal in itself (domestic abuse can be absolutely brutal). But she’s moved on, and so have I, until I noticed that one of the EMS workers was him. I knew he drove an ambulance, but the last I heard, he lived in a different county so I didn’t even consider seeing him. Could this situation be any worse? I couldn’t help but to think, as the abuser helped gather up my son.

In retrospect, he had a mask on and later on, when I questioned my hubby, he said no way, it wasn’t him. My son also didn’t think it was him. We may never know.

I digress.

The entire hospital visit was a giant debacle. I’m chalking it up to a mixture of Post-Covid changes, him being in the hospital as an adult for the first time, and the fact that we didn’t go to Beaumont, where we felt like we’ve gotten very good care for him. Because this problem had nothing to do with his diabetes, his endocrinologist said that we can take him to the hospital closest to us, and so we did. Now I wonder if we would have gotten better care elsewhere.

I don’t want to go into details so I’ll keep it brief. Doctors disagreed and kept stuffing and unstuffing his hole (cyst, abscess, we still don’t really know) which was SO painful and caused him more anxiety whenever someone had to look at it), one doctor talked my ear off about unrelated stuff and did a Celiac test even though I flat out told him not to. There was NO reason to do it, other than he is screened for it every two years because he has type 1 diabetes. My insurance doesn’t cover the Celiac screening every year, and I don’t know if we are due yet, so don’t do it. I’ll have his endocrinologist do it at his next diabetic checkup. — Those were my words verbatim. Still, I just wasn’t surprised when that same doctor sat by my son the next day and said, We did a Celiac screening, but it won’t be back for a couple weeks. 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??????

There were a couple other mishaps with this same doctor, and I don’t even know what to do with it. I know I need to call ASAP, at least to dispute the test that I told him not to do, amongst other things.

It wasn’t just him. We heard different opinions and diagnosis the entire visit, and I’m still feeling the frustration.

OK, onto the good. My son is feeling A LOT better, so I guess I shouldn’t be too angry. And there’s more good stuff!

The first night, we all were in triage all night. The second night, he was admitted and only one of us was allowed to stay overnight. My kiddo chose my hubby to stay with him because at this point he needed help going to the bathroom and wanted a male. I was secretly a little glad because we didn’t get any sleep in triage and by now he was doing a lot better, so I wasn’t too worried.

Except the last time I left a loved-one in the hospital overnight, we got a call at 4am to come up right away because my mom was crashing. But still, I wasn’t too worried.

I texted hubby at bedtime to see how they were doing.

His temperature is 100.5, but they think maybe because he just got up (getting up to use the bathroom took him a ton of strength and effort). They gave him motrin and we’ll watch him. 

Ugh! This is not the text I wanted to see. I was talking to my sister, a former nurse, who helped me stay grounded, but it was still a bit stressful. Fevers scare me, they always have, and his fever rose so fast the day before.

At one point I almost got my shoes on, so I could be ready to rush to the hospital. I felt so sad and hopeless.

The good news is that this time, I totally nailed faith, and kicked worry to the curb. Through self-talk, meditation, and visualizing, I fell asleep peacefully that night, without worry.

It was tough because my ego would not SHUT UP! It was on a R-A-M-P-A-G-E. It kept telling me awful awful things, even making me think I’d be picking out an outfit for him to wear at his funeral and visualizing a casket. It’s so hard, because in these moments these thoughts feel like intuition. They are not. I was so triggered by being alone, the fever, unanswered questions, etc, and my Ego took this vulnerability and ran with it.

When I realized this, I started to visualize my kiddo healthy and happy, and older, and married with kids, and then as an old man. I visualized him and his dad, up at the hospital laughing and joking. I felt peaceful and looked around and felt happy and grateful for the first time in a while. I had asked hubby to text me a temperature update, but he forgot and fell asleep and I fell asleep without getting an update. Quite a far cry from my old anxious ways that I found uncontrollable.

I woke up still feeling peaceful and optimistic. This was so different than other times that I’d been stressed. Normally, I’d drink until passing out only to wake up to even more anxiety than the day before. I was really pumped that I was able to self-sooth. I didn’t even stuff my face that night, which has become a symptom of stress since quitting drinking.

I was ecstatic to not wake up with a drinking or eating-too-much hangover, and with peace in my heart <3

 

 

 

Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

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