Ego and Resistance, the Defiant Duo

Day #798        Wednesday, June 2, 2021

My mission in life has become to do whatever I need to do in order to stay in a state of happiness. Everytime I think I’ve cracked the code, my mind laughs at me.

Since returning to work and dealing with typical work stress like traffic, I’ve found myself in the old pattern of being a little crabby on Monday, and having the crabbiness lighten up with each day during the week- so by the time I got to Friday I felt great. I was in this cycle right when Covid hit and feeling discouraged recently when I realized it returned. After pondering, it hit me that on the rare days that I workout before work, I normally have a light/happy day without the misery. So, I vowed to get up 4 out of the 5 workdays to workout. For the first few weeks, I really thought I broke this cycle of misery. I was as happy on Monday as I was on Friday, and overjoyed to get my workouts out of the way first thing.

Until this week.

This week should be beautiful, especially since it’s a short week with only three in person days. Nope, still a miserable cow on Tuesday, which felt like Monday because we were off for Memorial Day. It was a great weekend filled with a lot of family and fun, plus my first outdoor bike ride of the season.

Tuesday morning I diligently got up to run and ran my fastest to date. I had a great exercise session in the silent morning woods, but I still felt edgy while getting ready for work. I went to Pilates right after work to a 1.5 session, so it was a challenging, but productive day, with a lot of physical exercise. Even so, by the time bedtime came around, I was still a cranky cow.

Today has been a little better- but it’s probably because I’m in the pattern again. I’m thinking it’s probably my hormones, but it’s still irritating. When I say cranky, I mean that my head is not fully clear of negativity. Usually it’s that voice, my ego, that just pushes and pushes until it gets the right button to set me off. It tells me how awful hubby is, or how so and so shouldn’t have done this, or how I should have done that. When it’s on a roll it’s persistent throughout the day. Most of the time I don’t feel like this. Most of the time I don’t have negative thoughts, and if they come into my head, they tend to leave fast (with my gentle urging). But my wish is for them to leave and never come back, but they always seem to worm themself back in.

One thing I’ve let slide is my meditation routine. I can’t even remember the last time that I did it. Yesterday evening I was sitting outside and thinking about how I dropped the ball and need to start my routine back up. I could have done it right then and there, but I didn’t, and the only reason why is because I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want to put the time or energy into it, which now sounds utterly ridiculous especially considering we’re talking about five, maybe ten minutes, hardly a big chunk of time.

Come to think about it, whenever my ego is giving me a run for my money, perhaps I should try meditation. I preach to people All. The. Time. about why they should meditate and how this simple act will change their life for the better- and quiet their mind. So when I notice my ego is running his mouth, I should take that as a cue to strategically shush him. Why did I resist doing it yesterday- and why did I resist today? I’m beginning to think that my resistance and ego are working together to make me absolutely miserable!

So, what do you think the chances are of meditation and exercise being the MVPs in keeping my ego tame?

Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

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