I’m coming off the weekend feeling sad & exhausted, despite some personal feats.
I became an ordained minister over the summer & on Saturday I married my childhood best friend and the boyfriend she met over 20 years ago.
Let me start by saying what a mistake that was
I mean, it was sort of fun/sort of nerve wracking. It was fun to stand up there with the groom & watch everyone come down the aisle.
My friend posted pictures today.
I HATE my hair. I HATE my outfit. I HATE my face. And I HATE that I am in all of their most intimate of pictures at the alter.
So yeah, no more marrying someone I know.
I went up alone Friday night while my family joined me on Saturday.
The bride has been my friend since around 3rd grade. We’ve gone through a few phases throughout the years, sometimes not speaking for a year or so. Not out of anger or anything, just being at a different place in life.
When my oldest was born she was around a lot. Consequently, he is very close to both of them (friend & her new hubby).
Shortly after my youngest was born they moved 1 1/2 hour north, where he grew up. Therefore, my youngest just doesn’t have the same relationship with them.
Several years ago, they began driving off -road -vehicles as a weekend hobby. With it came a new set of friends.
While it was fun to be up north with all of the wedding excitement, it was also extremely sad. I felt like city mouse visits country mouse and that I didn’t belong.
It made me want to cry, actually, and felt like I was grieving the close friendship that we used to share.
It was totally unexpected because I have already done this. Years ago, I went through this and since then we are in a really great place with our friendship. So why was I feeling this way again? Additionally, my family and I have an open invitation to go camping with them and their friends, and she never fails to remind me that we are welcome. We try to make it up whenever we can, but life gets busy.
Feeling this way made me feel even more crappy because her friends are so nice. They welcomed me Friday night and never let me feel like an outsider.
Occasionally throughout the weekend, I had to find a quiet spot for several moments to decompress. I recognized the feelings and realized that in the past this situation would have been much different. I’m talking about pre-recovery years when I had no idea about the importance of self-care and coping skills. I wouldn’t have understood why I wanted to be alone and I would have become angry, probably at everyone there. I would have been reaching for the vodka 5 minutes after arriving.
Instead, I got my quiet time and emerged when I felt ready. Refreshed, grateful for the quiet moment and not feeling anger at anyone. That was a success!
We left the wedding earlier than expected, mostly because I was completely exhausted, plus the drinking was starting to get heavy. My oldest remarked on the way home that he only knew a few people there. I think my whole family was a little sad afterwards, realizing what a backseat we’ve taken in their lives.
I honestly wasn’t sure if I was going to drink on Saturday. I didn’t know if I would be super tempted, and was going to allow myself to if I really felt the desire. My intention was to get right back on track afterwards. Even with homemade moonshine at every table, I didn’t have much of an urge. I can thank my past relapses for that. I know that drinking after a long period of abstaining is never fun the first night. The alcohol tastes terrible, the buzz sucks and the hangover anxiety is nearly unbearable.
I definitely would have been more social if I had been drinking. I am very quiet and reserved without it. But, I can live with that. I’m currently trying to embrace it 😉
As far as the friendship goes, I know that my remorseful reaction to this situation is something I need to look at within myself. I guess I’ll chalk it up to another lesson of 2020.