I have a MAJOR case of the “F*** It” today.
I’ve felt like a pressure cooker from the moment I picked up my phone today (mental note to not do that again).
My mood was exasperated by darkness and pouring rain, a leaky basement that we keep throwing money at with no success, and a stupid staff meeting where the unanswered questions are multiplying. I thought back to my first day working in my district. I was petrified, but soon learned that Mary Ann (my mentor) was awesome and had all the answers. If she didn’t have the answer, she would dig until she found it. Now, this year, she is calling me and I tell her what I think, but don’t know for sure because nobody has the answers. And I am increasingly on edge. I don’t know how I will keep it together for the next few weeks.
Everything has me on edge.
My brother and sister-in-law took my youngest on an awesome trip this week. They dropped him off last night and hung around for a little bit. They (the adults) were loud and excited, telling about all the fun times they had. And during all of their excitement, I felt like I was about to explode. Every word sounded like fingernails against a chalkboard, and I just wanted them to leave. And I felt so bad, because they were so awesome to do that, and they are so good to my little boy, so why the hell do I have to be such an asshole?
All week my mind has been unfocused. I know I should meditate, but I don’t want to because the only thing that feels good is having my brain 120% occupied. I feel like I have severe ADHD, just like during the grief after losing my mom. I know the things I need to do to ground myself, but I simply don’t want to be grounded at the moment.
So I’m jumping from thing to thing, leaving everything incomplete and a mess.
And I’m writing here, to try to evict it from my head.
I think of having a drink, and think why not?
Even though I know the answer, and can logically tell Betsy “hell no” today, the thought terrifies me. There’s a switch in my brain, and I know that when it flips, all of that logic is lost.
When, or if?
I put it out of my mind. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I am not drinking today, or at this moment. The saying, one day at a time, one moment at a time, has been around forever for a good reason.
Perhaps it would do myself a world of good to apply this to all other stresses in life and focus on the moment.
At the moment the rain stopped and the sun is shining. It’s Friday and my family is home, happy and healthy. I might not know how work will be, but I do know that I work with some of the most supportive, and best people around and will be far from alone.
I try to focus on the fact that we are sort of privileged to be pioneers of this new normal. Maybe it’s ok we don’t have the answers given to us, it forces us to find them (or make them up)on our own.
Maybe all of these changes will have a greater good.