This has been the strangest summer ever, which isn’t surprising considering how weird and messed up 2020 has been. I went to a psychic in November who gave me a heads up about 2020 being filled with lessons for me. I was panicked, and would have felt better if I knew that 2020 would be full of lessons for everyone.
Between that psychic and reading Sylvia Brown’s Prophecy days before the school shut down. Sylvia predicted that education would change in 2020 and most would be online. That was March 11 and I scoffed at this idea. Well guess what, by March 13th the schools were shut down and whisperings of online teaching were everywhere I turned.
The psychic incidents bothered me more than I thought they should have, even months later. So, I made an appointment with my therapist to talk about the anxiety I felt after the psychic incidents and to see if she could help me. She does a lot of Cognitive Brain Therapy, and I thought that might be helpful with my negative thoughts regarding the psychics.
I love my therapist, but went into the appointment not knowing if she would be able to help me with this. I actually thought about cancelling my appointment several times, thinking I would sound crazy. She, in all of her awesomeness, did not disappoint. And of course, she made it sound, oh so simple.
But I think it is.
It’s about control.
I made a lot of good decisions in 2019. Those decisions impacted my life positively, as I would expect. Consequently, 2019 was a great year, but I was anticipating an even better 2020. I would get my braces off, lose weight because I had gotten off pred, and I would have my Master’s degree. I used to say, 2020 is going to be my year!
Then I saw the psychic. She did not tell me what I wanted to hear, she wasn’t even close to telling me what I predicted.
“Your 2020 will be filled with lessons.”
Is that an indication that 2020 might be a trying year?
“Yes.” She said to a surprised me.
And she also said,
“Your money situation will change.”
“Your career will change.”
“You will be more in a caretaker role.”
And then towards the end of my session:
“Take off the mask and show your vulnerability.” Now, I think she was talking figuratively, but it’s still kind of freaky given our current mask situation.
You have to understand that none of this was good news to me. Then in March when our country shut down, everything seemed to come true.
My job changed drastically, and I was more of a caregiver, being home with my entire family at home with me for months and months. Hubby’s salary got decreased 25%, and I was anticipating a possible layoff. The lessons do keep coming, but then again I think they always do.
Back to my therapy appointment to address this. Sara helped me tremendously to look at this through a different set of lens. We like predictability. After COVID hit the U.S. and we went on quarantine, and my psychic session came true, I had friends and family calling to get that psychic’s number. Sara says that we seek out psychics because we crave control, yet talking to one gives up our sense of control. What?
I really like predictability. I was ecstatic that my 2019 was a great year, I earned it! I couldn’t wait to find out about 2020, because if I continued on this trajectory, 2020 could be the best year ever. So of course it felt like the house of cards I had diligently built came crashing down after I learned about all of the lessons that would be coming.
It was ok and by December I had the great idea to write and finally publish a book called, The 2020 Survival Guide. I never ended up writing it and am kicking myself now because that sucker could have been a bestseller given the shenanigans 2020 has given the world.
January was ok, but cold and I had a college class that was so much work and I absolutely hated. February was ok, but the Florida and Miami trip was difficult and filled with many lessons. When March rolled around I was thrilled that the year would soon be 1/3 over and I was anticipating a great month. Then the Sylvia Brown incident happened and schools shut down. It felt like a slap in the face, again.
I went through a depression after the schools shut down, very similar to how I felt when I got laid off from my first teaching job. School has broken my heart twice in my career and these are the two instances. This itself was a lesson. You don’t always get to choose to close the door.
In the months/years after getting laid-off , I discovered that this was one of the best things to happen to me, especially so early and I touted this concept regularly to people in my life, including students. I always put myself first after this, never the school. My opinion is that they will get rid of me in a heartbeat if they needed to, so I wouldn’t hesitate to leave a job for a better one. If I hadn’t gotten laid-off I’ve often wondered if I would have stayed, not only out of convenience, but the thought that “But the kids really need me.”
But that wasn’t my internal voice, fortunately. My internal voice said to work for me and what I wanted, and I acknowledge that this helped me climb up into one of the top districts in my state.
When a door closes, that’s room for a better one to open. Only, when the schools shut down and I was faced with uncertainty, I felt zero comfort until months later when I realized that quite often, actually, that door closes on it’s own, out of our control. I felt better after making this realization, but it did take a long time. DUH.
By June I was thinking about the psychics much less but still bothered by it daily. What did it mean? Was I handling quarantine and COVID way better than I would have because I had a heads-up? Would I have handled it better not knowing? Why did I have to pick up Prophecy and laugh at old Sylvia?
Anyways, it’s all about control. I was/am bothered because it made me realize intrinsically that no matter what decisions I make in my life, ultimately, there are things that I can’t control. That is ok.
Realizing that this is the big issue at hand has helped a ton. Sara told me to say a mantra every time I think of the psychic incidents, I am more in control than I think I am.
Funny thing is, since I talked to her more than a week ago, I haven’t had to say that mantra at all. Maybe just talking it out with a neutral person helped, someone who is excellent at putting things into perspective helped.
Another funny thing is that as I was talking to her and talking about 2020, I realized that 2020 is my year. Despite the COVID, the quarantine, the political shit show, etc, I am doing just fine. Sure, some things really sucked, like the schools shutting down and teaching remotely, and not being able to get my pets seen unless they are on death’s door (ok, not really, but it is super hard to get them in and both Jules and Milo have been high maintenance during this time).
But if you don’t take COVID or the state of our country into consideration, 2020 has been weird but awesome at times.
I started writing, I mean really writing. It is extremely therapeutic and I can’t get enough of it this summer. Hubby has been on vacation this week, and I’m a little cranky because it is Friday and I’ve barely written this week with him off. I am eager to get back into the flow next week. I think part of it is the state of education. I’ve felt a pressure for a while to do something else, and not knowing what is in store for the fall has put me into workaholic mode. I really do work so well under pressure.
We are so fortunate that hubby’s salary has gone back to 100% and it is looking like I have a job in the fall. Because of COVID he is still working from home 100% and now wants to permanently work from home at least three days per week. This makes our household a little easier to manage. Also, thanks to COVID, my story Karma Revolution exists. It totally wouldn’t without this disease, so there’s that. Now that I look at it I think it’s a really dumb story, but it sure accelerated my drive and gave me the confidence I need to start getting this story out.
That’s my update. Oh it’s day 471 without alcohol, so I guess my next big milestone (500) is coming up. I’m not thinking about it much anymore. I do absolutely love reading my early entries, I have come such a long way since 2017, and I wouldn’t even realize it if I hadn’t written.