After working with and spending so much time with myself the past few years, I’ve really realized that I can be a tough nut to crack. I have this invisible shield that says to everyone and everything, “It’s FINE, all fine.” even when it’s not fine. I believe it’s a few things including my intrinsic beliefs and the power of resistance.
A few weeks ago I discovered something I never realized before, I am a big picture/whole picture thinker.
THIS is why you can change something in your room, or my own room or yard, and I mean like an entire 30 ft tree gone, and I will probably never notice. I struggle with details.. this is why I have a BIG story in my head but took years to even attempt working out the details. I am probably this way to a fault, and probably have certain compensatory skills that I’m not even aware of.
Maybe that is partially why the steps and my soul work is a huge process with me.
When it was time to do step 4, I didn’t think I even needed to start it because, and I quote myself, “I am cool with everyone.” Boy oh boy do I recognize that tone as the inner beast known as my ego. I was looking at the big picture. The only thing is that, it’s the key details that are going to make ya or break ya.
But don’t worry, after that time I relapsed and eventually started the steps over. Nearly a year later and I couldn’t even believe I thought I was actually cool with everyone. Now, a year after that and my step 4 list continues to grow and I continue to work on it.
It was similar when I was asked to tell the false story I’ve been telling myself. I didn’t have much to go on, um…. “Everyone is mad at me.” (which was something I struggled with in the past, but more so when I was drinking). Again, all I could see was the big picture. I’m pretty darn real with myself, so didn’t really think I had any fake news. Turns out I was dead wrong. There’s a lot of false stories, that I have told myself for years, and continue to tell myself.
One example is that my in-laws don’t like me and don’t think I’m good enough for their son. After 19 years of marriage, and 20 years of not jiving with the inlaws seamlessly, I finally can see the key details of this big broad picture.
The very first time I met my in-laws was at the house that my husband and I now own. It was a lovely time. We played Boulder Dash, and I met one of his brothers, and I remember having a nice time. At some point during the visit, I started to believe that his family is perfect and that I am not good enough. I have a terrible memory and this was 20 years ago, so it’s hard to recall, but I remember feeling sad when I left. I drove almost an hour to my friend’s house who I was house sitting for at the time. I drank, and cried and listened to the Verve Pipe that entire night, all the while thinking that I loved his boy and just wasn’t good enough. I still think of that night whenever I hear the acoustic version of The Freshman.
We, obviously, ended up married, with kids and pets and careers and have worked super hard to make it all happen. Yet this is still an intrinsic belief of mine. And it took me 20 freaking years, and a ton of soul work, to realize that it’s only me that’s been telling myself over and over and over again for all this time.
I’ve been studying a lot about the power of the mind and how it affects us everyday, actually every moment of every day.
We all have life stories that we tell ourselves and many of them are false, but we continue to think and believe them and act upon that belief so you are then living in that reality.
So that’s where I’m at.. and it’s freeing to realize that something doesn’t have to be your story.