Day 400, Gratitude & Regrets

When I first stopped drinking, I had some big regrets for a long time. One of the biggest one was feeling like I failed my youngest. I was a normal drinker when my oldest was young, but was in the midst of alcoholism during the time I had my youngest (did not drink while pregnant, but started again right after).

I felt awful for a long time, especially comparing myself to young women sobering up before settling down or while their kids were still little. As a side note, we should not compare ourselves to anyone, ever.

After quitting drinking, I saw how much closer my youngest was to my hubby than me. They were way more bonded, from years of my hubby actively being there, while I was drinking every night passed out many nights before tucking him in.

It killed me a little inside, knowing that I couldn’t go back and change things.

After a few years, much soul work and getting my mental state working properly, I focused more on the things I had going for me, not the regrets.

I’ve been so grateful this week for the time I’ve had with my youngest during this quarantine. We’ve played card games, video games, had good discussions, made delicious food together and a lot of laughs. I realized that he and I are more alike than I ever knew. And many times he turns to me, instead of it always being my hubby.

He listens when I talk about the Universe and always excitedly tells me when it’s 11:11, 1:11, 2:22, etc– or when the Universe gives us a sign. And I love it, because my hubby and other son are NOT universe fans, lol.

You know what I don’t have? Regrets. I was thinking this morning that my experience would probably be much different if I had drank after my one year anniversary. I am 100% sure that I would not be cherishing this time like I am now. I am so grateful for sobriety.

#Day400

Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

4 thoughts on “Day 400, Gratitude & Regrets

  1. Just catching up and I loved this post. Congrats on Day 400! I aspire to be like you. I am such a Universe fan myself, love that term! So glad you are having that time with your youngest. I love my time with my son but I know I could have done more over the years and feel continually bad about that. But I need to remember I can change the future!

    1. YES!!! Exactly, we can’t change the past, but we can certainly make changes for a positive future 🌎. How old is your son? I woke up this am with feelings of regret again about drinking too much up until he was 8/9ish. I realized that the negative thoughts were a side effect from it being a tough day today (my mom died suddenly in 2014), but I didn’t even realize that’s why I was thinking so negatively. Our brain is so complicated 😬😬. Once I recognized it I was able to move on, but the negative thoughts could have put me into a real tail spin & probably would have ruined my day. Anyways, sorry this has turned into quite the ramble. Thanks for the congratulations & I wish you the best on your journey, and remember- no regrets!! 💙

      1. He is 17. He was about 8 when I first realized he was aware I was acting off. I never have passed out and never woken up late but a handful of times he made a comment about me being “tired”, not making sense the previous evening. Unfortunately I remember each and every one of those. Would still prefer to not have had those moments.

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