March 28. 2020
Last year this day was rotten. It was my last Day 1. I won’t bore you with the details again, but it was pretty awful.
I had big plans for this day! For one thing, the title of this blog was going to be “The End.” I had planned on ending this blog, as it has just been dragging on and on for years.
I also planned on being alone today, for the whole day. My boys had a Boy Scout trip and were going to be gone for the whole weekend.
I planned on being on Day 30 in the Lotus and the Lily book, and doing my Soul Day today. I was going to be grand! I was going to wake up and fast and spend time outdoors with my dog and do my mandala while setting some awesome intentions! Then as the evening approaches I was going to get some delicious food and eat and watch some chick flick or stupid movie.
If you would have talked to me about relapsing a few weeks ago, on my 1-year anniversary, I would have hushed you quickly. I wouldn’t have even humored it, not for a minute. Why on earth would I do that? After all I was having the time of my life without alcohol!
That was before this Coronavirus and before lock downs and the school closures. That was before the stress of not knowing if I’ll have a job to get back to– or if Sylvia Brown’s prediction of all learning going online was going to come true. That was a lifetime ago.
Laura McKowen posted about how this new world is a whole lot like being in early sobriety. Man oh man is that true! I don’t even remember when Betsy (my alcoholic voice) first started piping up (she actually shut up for awhile there) but of course, with the excuse of my one year plus this pandemic she actually had me convinced to drink today.
Am I going to? I don’t think so. I’m not drinking at this moment, nor do I want to. Tonight? I don’t think so, but who knows.
This was an important lesson to learn. It doesn’t matter if you have an hour alcohol free or, or a day, or a year. It truly doesn’t, we are all one sip away from a drink. A few short weeks ago I was feeling on top of the world, especially with the approaching 1 year date coming. I thought after today I would be able to better myself even further.
But instead I have spent the past week pretty much planning for a relapse after today. So what did I learn in a year’s time? Nothing??? It would appear so! I guess what I’m saying is that we are all one sip away. It doesn’t matter if you have 10 years, or 10 minutes, and we can all choose to be sober for today- or for this moment. We all need to find a program that works for us- and to work it, especially during the tough times <3