Day 362

Hey there, do you see all this nonsense?  Life is crazy today, can’t you see? Everyone is just trying to act normal, yet no one seems to know what that means during these times. I’m stuck at home with the ones I love, trying hard not to ring their neck.  I’m not used to being around these people all day– who are they?? Or better yet, WHO am I?? Oh I don’t know, I thought I knew but I haven’t seen her since around Friday the 13th.  

I know how to make a life happy– it has a lot to do with being grateful and not trying to control fate– letting it all go.  I spent the past few years studying this and thought I was nearing expert level, but this test has made me realize how far yet I have to go- how flawed I really am.

I don’t mean that in a bad way, we’re all flawed in some ways.  I have character defects and so do you, that I know is the truest of the true.  

I don’t have work obligations right now, that should make me happy.  It’s cold and nasty outside but I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, that should make me happy.  I have all day to write and work out, that should make me happy. The little stresses that were so bothersome a couple weeks ago (remember my Colleen and Nancy rant…), well I don’t have to worry about any of those little stresses, and that should make me very happy!   But no, I am not happy at all!!

I miss getting up before dawn to run the streets with my doggo. I miss seeing my friends at work every day.  I miss working with kids at school and I HATE that I don’t know when we are going back. I miss people being friendly and not wearing masks while out.  I miss the basic freedoms that we have now had taken away. I know it’s for a good cause, but it makes me so anxious and unsure, which affects my whole mood and attitude for the day.

OK, this is turning into a big giant crybaby rant.  That’s ok, I’m way overdue for a good cry. Maybe tonight will be my night.  Maybe once I cry I can start to move forward. I need to make a schedule and stick to it.  Making a schedule and being productive is SO hard when you feel like you have a hundred bricks stacked all over you.  This is what depression feels like, it can literally hurt to move. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get out of this funk while I’m out of work.  It’s going to be hard because nothing seems right right now. I can’t focus on anything.  

Today is day 362!!!  Woohoo!!! Now there’s a ginormous blessing <3 

 

Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

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