Such a magical triple three’s day! The sun is shining brightly & I am looking forward to a visit to the nail salon and then a (hopefully warm) jog in the sun.
I’ve been reflecting a lot and wondering where my happiness went. I put too much of it into other people. The actions of others can cost us our happiness, but only if we let them.
I had to squash that. I had to realize that not everyone around me is going to act to my standards. They might even do things that put them in danger, or things that are illegal.
It doesn’t feel great to admit, but this bothers me.
But I’m working through it and working on acknowledging & then thanking my bothered thoughts & moving on.
The more I focus on myself and my own positive actions, the less bothered I feel.
Let’s talk about day 333 for a minute. These 333 days have taken years to make happen! I realize that’s not necessarily the case for everyone (relapse does not have to be a part of recovery), but for me it sure was. In 2017 I learned how to stop drinking through my extreme uncomfortableness.
In 2018 I truly learned how to deal with life on life’s terms, and it was always with a relapse. The year started out real awful. In early January my deputy uncle was helping at the scene of a crash when he was hit by a car and suffered a significant brain injury. A couple days later, when his life was still touch and go, I ruined my 55 day sober streak and said F’ it. I got sober again in March and that lasted 127 days. I was at scout camp when I decided to say F’ it and drink. I was supposed to spend a few days with my sister at our cottage in Tawas right after scout camp, but shit was beginning to hit the fan everywhere.
While helplessly at camp, I was getting crazy & stressful texts. My sister in law had lost her kids, CPS took them (my nephew was up with me at scout camp & my hubby was preparing me for a CPS visit- in case they came to talk to him or me), my niece thought she was going through a miscarriage & some other bad things were happening that I don’t even remember… they were minor but at the time it felt like an enormous load got piled on. So I drank, which put me right back into that cycle and taught me something else. Something about humility and forgiveness. After all, if I couldn’t get sober (well stay sober) with what I had going for me (awesome support system, supportive spouse, all my basic needs met & some luxury needs met too, etc) how could I blame my SIL for her addiction(s) when I can’t get out and I have every advantage out there? This was the birth of my compassion towards her. It is the compassion that I need to recall when I start to feel resentments building up. So yeah, while parts of 2018 really sucked it was a HUGE learning year for me, and the knowledge I gained is priceless.
While 2017 & 2018 were massive learning years, 2019 was the year of doing. I read life changing books and started to really do the steps. I might still be stuck on 4, but sooner or later I will get through my resentments. Quite ironic, considering when I first started the steps years ago, I didn’t have any resentments, I was “cool with everyone.”
In 2019, my spirituality grew and blossomed. For the first time in my adult (non pregnant) life, I didn’t drink alcohol during my summer off and I experienced an insane level of contentment/happiness. I no longer felt overwhelmed by household projects, family obligations & relationship stresses. I learned to love myself. When I looked at my massive thighs in the mirror, instead of hating on my ugly cellulite, I thanked them for my mobility. I told them how strong and loved they were. Oddly enough, I have become a pants deal queen, scoring free pants at TJ Maxx, $12 Walmart dress pants that I love and a $3 clearance deal at another store. I can’t help thinking these are gifts from the Universe for loving my large legs
Based on that wonderful, magical summer, I thought that this school year would be tremendous and fabulous. I thought I would be confident and feeling on top of my game. I started the 2018 & 2017 school years mid relapse, so I had high expectations for 2019, especially after the strong & spiritual summer I had.
I’m not sure why, but it has been a pretty gross school year so far. My head is not in it, and I’m not sure what to do about it. I feel like I need a change, but I like my school & my students & their families & my colleagues …..
But my point is this. I think quitting drinking is a huge process with many layers. In the beginning you physically quit & begin to heal physically. After awhile you begin the emotional/spiritual growth & healing. I feel that my growth has been huge, but has taken three years and really I don’t feel like I’ve scratched the surface of my potential.
Without drinking, I’m able to look at places where I don’t feel fulfilled subjectively, whereas before I was stuck in the shadow of a hangover, silently blaming drinking for all of my woas.
So yeah, day 333! Yay!!