Today is day 298 alcohol free. Do you know what sucks most about abusing and then abstaining from that wicked poison? It is so easy to forget how deceitful it is. Already, I’m humoring the thoughts of drinking after that year mark. But WHY?
I KNOW, 100% for sure, where it’ll lead me. It’s not like I will decide to drink on a Saturday, nurse my hangover on Sunday, and then continue on with my non-drinking, productive and joyful ways.
It could go one of two ways. It could start slow, with not even finishing my drink (ha! that actually happened after my 1st relapse back in 2017). I left my 1st drink post relapse with poison still in it on the restaurant table. And I left the restaurant thinking I was CURED. That was after my 1st ever (besides pregnancy) 93 days sober. Not quite sure what happened after that, but within a week or two I was back to daily drinking.
OR… it could go fast. Maybe after an entire year, I will be so thirsty that I will drink glass after glass of bittersweet wine. I will feel awful the next day, mentally and physically, maybe I’ll swear off drinking ever again. My anxiety will be at an all time high. I will be unable to breath easily and every muscle will ache. One thing is for sure, the intense cravings will come, and they will be relentless.
So no, I cannot drink after March 28th. If I do, I will quickly go back to being sad and desperate all of the time. I have worked WAY too hard this past year to go that far backwards. I may need to often remind myself of this.
On a positive note, I had an experience on Friday that was kind of weird but made me feel good. I had an appointment to get an exam for contact lenses.
The Dr. is super nice (2nd time I’ve seen him). We talked about long cold January & how we both have trips coming up. He brought up alcohol a couple times (just stating that he wants nothing more than to sit on the beach & watch the water & drink). Said he keeps his glass full but that’s the only time he drinks. I told him I’m a recovering alcoholic so I would be drinking tea. I’m not sure why I felt compelled to tell him that– it’s not like I often walk around in public telling random people about it.
He then opened up to me. He told me that he grew up with 2 alcoholic parents & was shuffled around and in and out of different homes growing up, ,and this is why he only drinks on vacation, no other times. He said he speaks sometimes at Alanon meetings at the local inpatient treatment center about growing up with alcoholic parents & becoming a doctor. It was a lengthy & very enlightening conversation. It gave me faith that my nephew, who we have custody of, and who I worry about constantly due to his past, and even the little ones who are still in her care can be- or will be ok.
I think we may have crossed paths on purpose, so thank you Universe!