Messy Heart; House & Body

It’s the weekend and I am ecstatic to say goodbye to last week.  It was a good week, I mean, no one died or fell seriously ill or injured, so yay!

It was just gross.  We had a birthday party at my dad’s on Sunday and it was full of tension, emotions and stress.  It was for my son and my niece, but I regretted even showing up after being there only a few minutes.

I have no idea what’s going on with my dad.  Maybe it’s just a ton of stress.  If you’ve followed me for awhile, you’ll remember when my deputy uncle got hit by a car in January 2018.  He suffered a traumatic brain injury and has since gone through a divorce and currently lives at an assisted living facility.  That’s my dad’s brother and he stays with my dad during some weekends.  I know that his whole situation stresses my dad out, and how can it not?  It’s also caused tension within the family.  I can only imagine how difficult it would be to have to take care of one of your siblings– especially after a whole life of heath and independence.  And my dad’s future son in law tried to burn down the house, with my sister and niece sleeping up stairs.  That was in May 2019.  My sister and niece have since moved in with my dad, and he has become a major caretaker for my niece (who is 6).

So yeah, last Sunday was awful and I know I’m not over it- or done dealing with it because all week my house has been messy and I have been stuffing my face ALL week long (this was after months of clean eating and honoring my home and body).  But, the good news is that I have been showering all week– so yay!

Even Halloween was sad.  It was cold and rainy.  We usually have all the cousins on hubby’s side over, but nobody came.  My niece was sick with strep.  My other SIL declined bringing her two youngest over.  My MIL and FIL stopped by, but left as soon as the kids started trick or treating- which they always do and I’ve never understood (they live on the main road and don’t get many trick or treaters- if any at all).  My neighbor had a party like usual but didn’t text me like usual so I didn’t really feel welcomed (I thought maybe our irate new neighbor shit talked us).  It was ok, I didn’t really want to go anyways.  One year, my whole family went and stayed way too late and all played hooky the next day (without even calling the kids in- one of my Hall of Shame moments).  Last year we went and I was not drinking, but decided to that night and kept pouring their liquor.  I think I drove to work the next morning still buzzed.

I did find out from my kids the day after that we were definitely invited (they’re friends with the son) and she said to make sure we were coming.  Dang, I felt bad for not even texting or stopping by– damn assumptions I should have known better.  But I am glad that we didn’t feel obligated to go, that was a blessing.

So yeah, this pity party for myself stops here and now.  I know what I need and what I want.  It’s time for me to stop allowing fear to influence me in unhealthy ways.  I mean, a bingy day or week occasionally is fine (I think), but I do need to STOP.

It’s Saturday, around 10:00 am and I am almost ready to attack the day. I plan on exercising, eating right (spending some time cooking in the kitchen- which can be healing to me) and cleaning some things.   One good thing that happened at that birthday party is that my sister brought me a good book I loaned her a few weeks ago.  It’s a 40 day guidebook for (basically) happiness.  I’ve been reading it all week and going to start tomorrow.  Its to help identify those fears that cause us to be destructive.

I think after Sunday I felt like I did as a child (sad, angry, confused).  I now can understand better why I overate and then drank too much when younger.  I had a father who could be difficult and I had no idea on how to cope in non destructive ways.  My mother could be very difficult too.  I will say that they were good parents and always wanted the best for us– but nobody is perfect.  They did the best they could and I do know that.

Ok, that’s all I got!   I already feel better than I’ve felt all week.  It’s going to be a great day!!  Day 220 <3


Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

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