Hey Guys! I’ve been putting off writing this week. This has been one of the most difficult weeks I’ve had since my mom died. It actually has brought up many of the behaviors I had while going through grief, which is mainly extreme symptoms of ADHD, along with the constant feeling of being on edge and intense irritability. I’ve spent my morning commute either avoiding my feelings– or crying silently on my drive in.
Last weekend was one that we had been looking forward to. Our boys love the 80’s band Toto and we bought them tickets to a show they were playing a couple hours away. Our teenage nephew loves Toto too, and had a birthday in September, so we took him along for his birthday. To make it even more exciting we booked a room at a hotel with an indoor water park.
On Friday night we got a call that our nephew got kicked out by his mom and was riding towards our house on his bike. This has been the 3rd time in the past month that she has kicked him out. She drinks every night, then gets irate with him, and tells him to leave and to not come back. She’ll pick him up a day or two later when sober and won’t even talk about it. He said he’s tried to bring it up before but she won’t even listen and just drinks over it.
It was the evening of our youngest’s birthday, and we left him at home to go look for our nephew. Luckily we found him quickly. We told him that he can stay with us, or his uncle and that he doesn’t have to go back and live with his mom if he doesn’t want to.
So, basically, what happened was this: THAT thing happened on Friday. We didn’t deal with it, really, and left on Saturday to go have a fun weekend away. It felt good to leave all of the baggage behind. Except for when Sunday came, and then Sunday afternoon. My nerves were so stressed not knowing what would happen with my nephew and wondering if my SIL will blow up and if it’ll be a huge fight. As a side note, if you leave baggage behind, it is likely to grow over time. I was not prepared for the feelings that took over on Sunday. Due to some uncontrollable circumstances, she still does not know that he has moved out. She is finding out today, and I don’t’ know how she will react, and I worry about her coming and having an altercation with him. So this week has been just gross and stressful and I’m in awful anticipation. And worry, constant worry.
I’d like to think that she will see this as a good thing. They (SIL and nephew) have not gotten along for awhile now. BUT, she is totally irrational most of the time. She has this belief that all of us are just trying to take her kids. Of course that’s not the truth. None of us want to take her kids, but we do want her kids to be taken care of. I would take the youngest two right now if I wasn’t likely to get arrested for kidnapping.
So, we’re in the middle of this mess. We usually look to his parents to find rationality, hope and guidance, but I can honestly say that after this week, we HAVE to be the leaders. His parents are blinded. This is a very desperate and lonely realization. I can’t tell you how many times I watched my husband have SUCH an incredibly difficult conversation with his dad or our nephew, just cringing with sadness. Such a hard/sad thing for everyone and sometimes I worry that we will reach our breaking point.
GOOD things are happening. They are going to Al-non and they are calling it her “alcoholism” and not just making excuses like last summer. They also are going to take my nephew to a teen Al-non group, which I think will be good for him.
BUT.. they still won’t give up on her. We have given up on her. So have her other siblings. We can’t do this anymore and pretend that she is ok. If she doesn’t change immediately we have to keep putting her kids first and foremost.
I know it’s the right thing, but if I think about taking in my nephew too hard, I start to become panicked. My thought worms go into overdrive. I begin to panic over the thought of a suddenly being a family of 5. I calm myself down, it’s not much different since he spends so much time at our house, and we don’t have a choice. I am constantly grateful that both of my kids have welcomed him with open arms, even when I tell them he’s likely to be staying permanently. Then I worry about their health and how this could impact them. I tell myself that the positive impacts will outweigh the negative ones.
And there’s good in all of this. I am still alcohol free. I am processing and dealing with an huge amount of intense feelings. I know that there are things that I am not doing right now to properly care for myself, but that’s ok, I’ll get back to it. I am doing some other things TO properly take care of myself- to help myself cope. Like yesterday, I had a quiet day (for once) after work and just binge watched TV for awhile.
I am pleased that in all of this I am able to see the good and to be grateful. While sitting in traffic on my way to work, I noticed a small and neat house right on the busy road. It was cute and I don’t know why I felt grateful, but I was enjoying the sight of the little house, crammed between an auto shop and another home.