Thought Worms

Happy Day 163 alcohol free!  WOW, it feels good to say that.  I know my year anniversary is still over 6 months away, but thinking about how fast the fall goes and then BAM March will be here in no time.  Really, if I can continue on this trajectory, then this is very realistic and exciting!

I’m feeling really empowered these days, even on the tough ones.  I am so thankful for my sobriety journey– even the relapses and months/years lost– it has now become powerful fuel to keep my AF mission burning.

I spent many years knowing that I drank too much.  I thought about stopping for probably over 10 years before actually trying.  One thing that always tripped me up is thinking about summer vacation sans booze.  I thought this for YEARS and absolutely dreaded “having” to do this.

Since this time, I just lived through my first sober summer as an adult, and you know what?  It was the best summer vacation ever.  I don’t remember ever feeling this happy and fulfilled.  I mean, sure I have my down days, but not like previous summers when I’d go through weeks of depression.  It also was my first sober start to the school year (except being pregnant), and it’s been a great start so far.  Both work and play are so much better when we are not bogged down by resentments, guilt, shame and the everlasting miserable hangover.

I’m still learning daily how to manage my inner self (you know that obnoxious voice that can be so insulting and miserable).  For example, two nights ago we had Curriculum Night at my school.  My room is always bustling and busy with parents and this time was no different.  I had a lot of really great conversations with my parents– about a lot of different things, some personal not all school related.  As I walked out to my car that night I felt happy and energized.

Driving home was different.  During the monotonous drive on the freeway my mind started to fester and negative thoughts started running through my head.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Was that the right response?”

“When we talked about X, I hope I didn’t sound like an idiot!”

“I think I did sound like an idiot.  Everyone is going to find out.  Everyone is going to think I’m so stupid.  Ugh..”

And it went on and on and on…..

I was a little cranky when I finally got home after 8:00.  I pretty much did my chores and then laid down for bed.  I was exhausted and couldn’t wait to sleep– only sleep didn’t come but those negative thought worms did.  The same dumb thoughts over and over again.  By this time I recognized them for what they are, joy sucking parasites.  I told them to leave, and they eventually did, but I had wished that I booted them sooner.  They are so mentally and physically draining!

So, I’m learning.  And growing.  And learning some more.  And experimenting.

Please take a moment today to be kind to yourself, maybe even give yourself a compliment, or two.  Give a compliment to others.  Turn off your screen for a bit.  Connect with nature.  Forgive someone, or yourself.  Spend a full minute, or more, quieting your mind and focusing on your senses.  LIVE.

I am proud of my journey <3

Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

2 thoughts on “Thought Worms

  1. You should be proud! So great to read. I like that term “negative thought worms” and am going to think more about that. They really can eat through your soul if you let them. Thanks for the reminder! Look at you, almost at 6 months!!!

    1. Thank you SO much for your kind message 💙💙. And you are right, those thought worms ate through my soul for years – chewed it up & spit it right out 🙃 Have a great weekend 🎉💙

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