In case you missed part 1: https://thedevildrinksvodka.com/2019/08/06/the-gift-of-a-lunatic-part-1-of-2/
The gift, finding the gift, this is where I left off. Every tough situation is a lesson or gift. What could I learn?
I set out to do some research. I went to the city website and found the sale of the house and found their full names. Then I stalked them on social media. I can’t explain to you why I felt the need to find out more about them, but I did.
The Mrs. is wise. I am a pretty good detective, but I was not able to find out much on her, other than her baby’s first trip to the ocean was this year.
Luckily for me, the Mr. is less private and I got some good information. I found out why it seems as though he doesn’t have steady work this summer– and it made me feel kind of betrayed. He is one of me.
How can an elementary school teacher yell such profanities at a neighbor that he’s barely met before?
This was my gift.
You see, it didn’t stop there. When I found out that he and I do the same thing, my ego was in overdrive.
I thought these sort of thoughts emotions were long gone.
I hadn’t felt like this since high school. I wasn’t good enough, everyone is better than me. I felt like this again when we lived in this same uppity town when I was in college and we were poor. In this town, high school students typically drive high end cars, a long stretch from the 10 year old white rusty Ford Taurus I was driving, barely able to pay the bills.
You see, when I found out that my neighbor was a teacher, it was suddenly really important for me to find out where he worked. Did he work in our town? I’ve been trying to get into my town’s schools for a few years now– so ouch! He probably has no commute and makes more money than me.
Does he work at a charter school? That would be ok. My job is better.
Is he an administrator? That didn’t make me feel good at all!
Before you start worrying about the feelings of my ego, don’t. I found out that he works for a district about 15 miles south– which was acceptable to my ego. That meant he commutes as far as me and probably makes about the same income.
When we moved back to this uppity city, I was a new person. First of all, I had just lost my mom, so I really didn’t give a F*** about material stuff. Secondly, this was 10 years later. We were now a dual income family instead of one parent in college plus both of our kids were in school by now so we didn’t have daycare expenses. I was cool and confident. I didn’t care that I drove a 10 year old Escape- I knew that I was as good as any other woman out there. I was largely aware that my neighbors tended to be materialistic, it was evident every time they brought up their vacation home or an extravagant trip. I didn’t care. We laughed when our vacation home came up because it surprised our neighbors that we had one because we don’t feel the need to brag about it constantly.
I’m not knocking our neighbors or trying to tell you that I’m a saint. I’m just trying to give you an accurate picture of our neighborhood. We live on a dead end street, so maybe our street’s gossip is a little worse than normal. In this city, people tend to be very materialistic and judgy. There are also many totally awesome people in this city who are not so materialistic, but it took me years of having an open mind and heart to learn this!
So, after 5 years of living cooly and confidently, I’m suddenly questioning my worth– all based on finding out my neighbor’s profession–which happens to be the same as mine. Overnight, I went from being the “cool” kid to not feeling like I measure up and not feeling good enough.
Quite honestly, I expected to figure out maybe a large lesson and a smaller gift. I think this experience has been a little bit of both, however, I’m still learning.
I appreciate the enthusiasm of my ego and quite honestly it was exciting to see her after is seems like she was dormant for so long.
Feeling inadequate made me self conscious about all of my weeds. I think this is part of the reason why I’ve been working hard sprucing up the outside. I was too comfortable and being uncomfortable sometimes can be beneficial. I’m not a competitive person, but it’s not a bad thing to want to make your home not look like it’s abandoned (not to be dramatic but my front yard was way overgrown for too long and shame on me for not caring).
This was a few weeks ago, and I’m not feeling so inadequate anymore. I’ve done a lot of work to the outside and plan to keep making both the outside and inside of my home nice– just like the work I’m doing with my soul.
Motivation was the gift and “don’t get too comfortable” is the lesson.