Pangs of Jealousy

I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I’ve written.  It’s been a crazy busy couple of weeks!  The weather is finally getting nice– I was surprised when walking out of work today that it was sunny and 80.  We’ve been adding water to the pool all week and tonight I think Anthony is going to hook up all of the hoses and filters– ALMOST pool time!!

Pool
It’s hard to believe that this pool will look inviting by the weekend!

Life is still pretty crazy all around.  Some of my close family members are fighting.  I offer support but try to avoid feeding into the negativity and try to make the rational ones see that the other’s are being irrational and to step away.  Most of them drink a lot and it’s hard sometimes when I’m talking to them over the phone and they are slurring their words.  Mostly I am just sad for them– but slightly envious of their escape route.  Not that envious though– as my life is really pretty great right now– mostly because I am strong and sober.

My puppy turned 5 yesterday.  It’s been a bittersweet week with him.  I had some blood work done last week as he’s been drinking a lot of water.  His liver is showing a problem so I had to catch and drop off a urine because they think he might have Cushing’s Disease.  Naturally, his urine showed that he might have it– so they have to do another test.  Internet research on this is scary.  It can be treated but the meds can make them very ill.  Meanwhile I have this little voice in my head that says that he is not going to live a long life and that his time with me was meant to be short.  I got him right after my mom died– all to help me through those dark days.  He and I have a very special bond and I am not nearly ready to lose him– yet I know I never will be even if he lives to 20.  Like everything else, one day at a time.

Happier topics– today is day 57.  Sobriety has always treated me well, but I’m especially loving it this time around.  It makes me sad to read so many posts on the internet about stress about not drinking this holiday weekend, at summer BBQ’s,  the beach, the summer. It’s all still not only great–but so much better without the toxic shit!  NOW, I understand that I have the best set of circumstances possible.  For one, I’m older than dirt.  When I say (and I say this all the time) that I’ve had a lifetime’s allowance of alcohol already, this is no exaggeration.  I may have had a couple of lifetime’s allotment, in all actuality.

For another thing, I am not routinely around drinkers.  Except maybe when we’re up at the cottage with my sister.  She drinks wine every night- but I was ok last year not partaking and enjoyed waking up bright and not hungover.  And I’ll be ok this year.  So I can appreciate that it might not be so easy– if you’re young or around drinking a lot– but sobriety still wins– hands down.

LaCroix coconut sparkling water in a wine glass feels like a special treat
Sparkling water in a wine glass is the perfect summer treat

I’m feeling confident that I am DONE with the toxic shit.  Waking up in a puddle of piss on a Thursday morning gave me enough shame to last a lifetime.  I NEVER want to put myself in the cycle again and risk being that out of it.

Snack
Took a break from blogging to help my little one eat a snack– yum! 

Another exciting thing is something I volunteered for.  I listen to a podcast called ODAAT Chat and the woman who produces it is so upbeat and great.  She asked for volunteers to work the steps and share out on her show.  I’m so happy to share that I got picked!  I’ve been meaning to work the steps for awhile now (It’s actually on my 2019 bucket list), so this will help move my butt into gear.  I am super excited and think that this could be a great opportunity for me to strengthen my sobriety even more.

Occasionally I have pangs of jealousy for normal drinkers.  Twice at work today, friends talked casually about having a glass of wine with friends on the patio– or going home and having a cold “blended” drink because she was on a field trip all day and totally hot and exhausted.

What I need to remind myself is that, these friends are normal drinkers.  One glass of wine on the patio has zero appeal to me.  I know that my drinking will never stop at one.  At least not without me being totally miserable.

That’s all I’ve got.  Life is good.  I love this time of year SO much.  I am so grateful for this life and my measly but hugely significant 57 days <3

Weeding
Paying these goofballs to take care of this jungle I’ve been stressing over

 

Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

7 thoughts on “Pangs of Jealousy

  1. Yes!
    It’s going to be even better!
    I had those pangs of wishing a bit, too. But as you said, they can drink one!
    Enjoy your wonderful summer with your family!
    I am in WP now!
    So excited to be over here!
    Lol
    xo
    Wendy

  2. I’m three years in and still get those pangs of jealousy, particularly in hot weather when it would be nice to sit out in the garden with a glass of wine. I sometimes feel like a child who played with a toy so much that it broke and now I have to sit and watch all the other kids play with nothing to do myself. My sobriety is worth it though so we all need to just keep on going!

    1. That’s a great analogy! We just need to remember what that wonderful “toy” will do to us. I feel the exact same way, but look at it as I’ve already had a lifetime’s (or two) allotment of alcohol. Congrats on 3 years, that’s AMAZING!!!!

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