Today is Saturday and by all measures, I should be feeling so happy.
The sun is FINALLY shining.
I’m finally starting to shed the 10 pounds that I put on since the new year.
I woke up early to make it to my favorite specialty stores before they got busy. I came home, put away and organized my new things and cleaned up the kitchen. Then I juiced a bunch of veggies. And all by 11 am.
My boys are all leaving later to go to a racetrack with scouts. I have plans with my puppy to walk/run on the trails by the river. Then… I don’t even know. Massage? Finally get my nails done? Play with my cricut? Haircut (long overdue)? Work on some IEPs for work (nahhhhh)..
But I woke up feeling just SAD. The sad thoughts won’t leave my mind.
I’m sad about my 5th grade students who will soon be off to the middle school. They are SUCH a great group of kiddos. They might get into fights with each other on recess and before school, but for me, the are absolutely angelic. So much so, that when my principal asks if he can observe me 5 minutes before seeing their group, I know I have no worries. The lesson is seamless, the kids are engaged and all wanting to read or answer my question. It’s not like this with every group. Last year, I had three boys and while they were nice kids, I just didn’t have a strong bond. This group is different, maybe because 4 out of 5 are girls– I don’t know.
I’m sad about my nephew who has a tough life. He usually has a smile on his face and is a pleasure to be around. He lives with his grandparents behind us and I drop him off at school everyday along with my son. Many Fridays, when I exclaim in the morning, “TGIF boys!!” he responds, “Oh, it’s Friday?” I always thought this was odd. HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW ITS FRIDAY BOY???? Well, DUH…. for kids with a hard homelife, the weekend can be downright brutal. I should have put two and two together, and finally did yesterday morning. How sad. He’s a great kid. I pray that he continues to do well despite a hard home life. I pray that when he and I have deep conversations, I can convey the message that he can be happy and successful, and can be strong despite the hardships he’s endured and continues to face. And I cry for him.
I’m so grateful that he lives so close and spends a lot of time at our house and can goes on all the scout trips with my boys. I dread the day that his mom gets him back and moves away. My heart will always ache for him.
And it’s been a sad couple of weeks at work. A retired teacher lost her adult daughter last week suddenly. A former student of ours (who was now a 9th grader) passed away on Tuesday. The rain wouldn’t stop falling and lunchroom conversations were political and depressing.
I was hoping that writing all this out would help– but I still feel like I need a good cry.
I’m thinking of the happiest memories throughout my life.
That time in my teens when I was going through a turbulent relationship and I would escape to Indian Springs and rollerblade the 8-10 mile track. That made me SO happy.
That time that hubby went on a shake diet and lost a bunch of weight and started to run with me. It lasted all spring and summer, and boy he was FAST. I could never keep up with him, but I still loved it when he accompanied me. It was the summer my mom died, but still I think of that time and those memories of us out together was so happy. Especially up in Tawas on the new trail by our cottage.
Last spring brings back happy memories of waking up at 5 am to walk/run before work and then going for an evening bike ride with hubby. It felt SO good to be out and moving when the sun rose and again as it was setting. I never felt so alive- and going to bed with my Garmin showing anywhere from 12-20 miles of this earth being covered was so rewarding.
Do you see a theme here?
I think I’ll feel better after being in nature today. Until then, I’m going to feel all the feels.
It’s ok to feel sad.
Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right