February 27, 2019– Day 2 and feeling optimistic. A lot of things are going on right now that are making me feel really weird– but not in a bad way.
I can’t remember when the teeny white feathers started, but I am finding them on or near me all of the time. I was excited at first, seeing it as a sign from my mom. BUT.. after finding several of them, I thought they were coming from the inside of my winter coat. I think it was after the 4th time or so I found one on my coat. BUT.. then I kept finding them, even when my coat was nowhere around. Tonight while cleaning up dinner, there was one on my stove.
Come to think of it, why did I even think my coat was stuffed with feathers? I knew that it can be a sign, but I haven’t looked it up recently, so, right now, as I’m writing this I decided to look it up. The very first thing that popped up and was highlighted was exactly what I was looking for. And the date it was posted happened to be on my mom’s death day.
The good news is that everything that I read about brought me tremendous warmth and comfort. An angel is near and watching over me and my loved ones are safe in heaven. Additionally, it may be a sign that I am on the right path or could be a clue to an answer I’ve been looking for. Hmmmm.. I’ll take it!
Other strange things have been happening this week. Learning of an attempted suicide of a parent at my school (and one of my previous parents so an associate of mine– and one that I had much admiration and respect for) left me feeling shocked and sad. Turns out he blogged about it and so of course I had to find and read it.
I don’t understand suicide but it has hit me personally. The same year my mom died, my hubby’s 22 year old cousin killed himself– totally out of the blue. A physically fit college athlete with good looks and from a typical family– it was a shock to everyone. About a year later a parent at my school hung himself. Great family whose wife was our PTA president. Another tragic shock. There have been others as well. A longtime friend of my mom’s, this one happening many years ago when she had young kids and I was a teenager. I just learned today that my dad’s cousin is currently in the hospital because of an attempted suicide. Everyone is impacted at one time or another by suicide.
I don’t get it, at all. I know that it’s because of a mental illness and that they truly truly believe that the world and their family will be better off without them. I understand that. But how can you leave your kids behind? Maybe I’m sensitive having lost my mother. I’ve felt pretty low at times these past few years, but I could never leave my kids motherless- especially knowing how awful it is to lose a parent.
So, I’m reading this blog and this guy (my previous parent who recently attempted suicide) got up one morning, showered, got ready for work, dropped his son off at school and instead of going to work, and on a complete impulse, he drove home and took all of his sleeping pills. His wife found him a few hours later and he was in a coma for days. I could immediately relate to that mental switch and impulsivity. It’s like on those few occasions that I was going strong in my sobriety and happily trucking along giving others motivation and advice and then I’m driving somewhere and my brain flips a switch. All of a sudden I’m hell bent on picking up wine and nobody can stop me, I am determined to drink. Sometimes I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Although, I will say that throughout my sobriety journey I feel like I’ve gotten better at controlling that impulsing and shooting down fleeting ideas as they popped up. It is still such a scary connection for me. Could my brain flip a switch and convince myself to end my life? I suppose it’s good to be fearful of this and aware that I am not immune.
Other things have appeared to be connected all week— like super weird coincidences and topics that keep popping up.
I’m going to work really hard at trying to listen to the signs and my soul, I truly think I am being led somewhere. Or maybe it’s just the Universe, or God or my Angel(s) leading me out of this rut I’ve been stuck in.
I’m not sure, but I’m really excited to see what this life has in store for me. I have been feeling positive and energized all day, and it’s been a long one 😉
One last saying to leave you with. “No mud, no lotus” Maybe this journey is helping me perfect the art of suffering.
I feel full of hope and happiness <3
Update: an hour later I found another, larger white feather on the living room floor