In the Devil’s Grip

Ahhhhh…. remember the good old days, with longer stretches of sobriety– and me loving getting in some extra exercise on my glorious and beloved sober weekend?

Either do it.  It seems like a lifetime ago.

This weekend I was particularly brutal to myself.  We had to watch our niece Friday night and I was horrified to wake up Saturday morning not even remembering putting the kids to bed– or anything that happened towards the end of the night — including her parents leaving (how embarrassing and shameful).

I was not only mentally/emotionally a mess waking up, but felt pretty horrible physically too.  At one point I could feel my inside organs aching so bad, I became panicked that I was in liver failure.  I ran to the bathroom to look at my eyes to see if they were yellow.  They weren’t but it was quite a scare.

I have been drinking, and hurting all week.  I know I’m in trouble when I wake up and swear to myself that I am going to stop.  Thoughts of drinking take up more of my day then I will admit.  By 5:00 I’m craving the drink and that drunk feeling so I patiently wait until a more acceptable time to drink (at least 7pm).

I haven’t worked out in more than a week.

I’ve gained 10 pounds in less than two weeks.

I starved myself part of last week– only to see the scale wildly go up and down each day.

This isn’t working.

I’m not happy.

My mind and body want one thing, but my addiction wants something else.  WHY am I letting Betsy (my inner alcoholic) run and ruin my life?  HOW is she winning?  Day after day I feel awful– physically, mentally, emotionally…  a dark shroud covering my entire world.  Back in black and white Kansas, far from the colorful land of Oz.  I KNOW how to get there, and I want to get there, why am I letting Betsy hold me back??

In 2017 I stopped on February 11th for 93 days.  In 2018 I stopped on March 23rd. for 127 days.  Stopping this time of year seems familiar to me.  I know I can do it, but every time I swear that I’ll rack up the days, I cave.

I feel like I know what I need to do, but I don’t feel like I have any energy to do it.  So I’m just going to sit here, with my computer and my coffee.  I’m sober at the moment <3

Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

3 thoughts on “In the Devil’s Grip

  1. That all sounds oh so familiar and excruciating.
    Not remembering going to bed,or what I might have said or done, was so stressful. It was this stress and guilt that made me finally be honest about needing to stop drinking. It’s so hard to live like that. And eventually those around us stop trusting us. That’s a painful place to be…
    The scale, the exercise, the disappointment.

    You can leave it all behind. The drinking is hiding you down. Find some real life help. Do it! You deserve the freedom.

  2. Hi I never usually reply to blogs but I just want you to know you have been such an inspiration to me these last few years. I too struggle with sobriety . Hope you are feeling brighter. We WILL win this battle.Sending you love and praying for you.

    1. I’m so glad that you reached out. Sometimes I hate my blog, especially when it seems like the movie Groundhog Day for years on end. Thank you for reaching out. I am feeling much better & clearer! You are right – keep fighting and we WILL win!! God bless 💙🙏🏼

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