Thursday February 14, 2019

I haven’t written in quite awhile.  Things have been pretty good.  I DID end up drinking on Super Bowl Sunday, my last post.  I think it was the anxiety of thinking about whether or not to go to the neighbor’s party plus thinking that I deserve to have some fun on such a festive day, plus downplaying this “problem.”

I’m tired of weebling back and forth on this issue.  It’s either a life-or-death problem or no big deal at all– depending on my needs for that moment.  I’ve decided that I really need to see it for what it is– ALL THE TIME.  So I will keep trying.  Right now I have 7 days sober.  I don’t pay too much attention to my counter, but have it on so I can see my milestones.  I want over 30 days, 100 days and I want a year.  After a year, I want to keep living healthy.

All else is good here.

Yesterday was my late mom’s birthday.  It makes me think of a time 2 years ago.  I had JUST quit drinking– for the first time ever, February 11, 2017.  So I was like on day 2 (which when you FIRST stop drinking, I think days 1, 2 and 3 are probably the very hardest– this has gotten much easier for me after many many day 1’s) and in the kitchen with 1/2 box of wine in the garage.  I just wanted the wine SO. BAD.  When hubby came home from work he came to hug me and I burst into tears.  He immediately thought I was upset because of my mom’s birthday.  Hugging him, and bawling, I felt SO ASHAMED.  I was ashamed because I wasn’t crying about my mom.  I was crying because I just wanted to drink– and knew that I needed to stop.

I will never ever forget that awful memory.  The shameful feelings and the significance will always stick with me.  It will always be a reminder of how low and desperate I was and how much I’ve grown and learned since then.

I took today off to volunteer at Will’s (my youngest) school.  Sadly, this is probably one of the last class parties.  I mean, we still have 6th grade next year, but after that it’s middle school.  I’m glad I took the day off, it was fun to watch Will pass out all of his valentines and partake in the festivities.  Also, I missed the cupcake sale at my school.  Every year, the teachers make 24 cupcakes and sell them to kids for $1.  The money raised is given to a graduating alumni (from our elementary school) for college.  I wasn’t too sad to miss the cupcake sale this year 😉

Anyways, that’s all I have to say.  Life is good.  2019 has been good.  March will be good.  THANK you Universe!!!

4 thoughts on “Love, the Universe

  1. I can 100% relate to your weebling issue. It’s like… A problem when its really a problem but after X amount of time its like… …. okay well i can drink tonight. No big deal. Not gonna over do it. Thats complete self sabatoge and i did it ALL the time. Like, okay I have a problem I just have to prove I can control it. Wrong lol and you know its wrong you just want to prove yourself right but ur being ur own biggest stubborn asshole

    As for the days thing, i ALWAYS thought counting your sobriety days was so.. hokey and lame. Everyone seemed to be like ON JANUARY 8TH 1998 WAS MY LAST DRINK as if they had some sort of POOF and AHA moment and Kablam never touched a drink again. I was waiting so long for that AHA moment. I wanted to count my days but it was stupid.

    What I realize now is I thought it was stupid because I still was continuing to enable myself to drink every once in a while. There was no point to count because every week is be at 0 anyway so who cares?

    What I also realize now is, i just don’t count the days period. The days count ME. I live by sobriety now, not by the calendar date. I live under god now, because if i don’t ill royally fuck shit up. 30 days snuck up on me. I didn’t wait for it i didn’t count down like it was Christmas. I had no aha or poof moment. Doesn’t exist. What does exist is when you rebuild your spiritual connection, the rest follows. The days follow. You follow through with your commitment to yourself. There’s so much beauty in it I never thought existed.

    Best of luck to you

    Like

    1. Wow, this is such a profound comment. I started reading it and was like, “Yes, Yes, Yes– this is exactly how I feel” but your ending is GOLDEN! How long were you in the transitional phase before you got sober for the final time? I have been trying since 2017. I waited on that “AHA” moment for awhile before realizing that it probably isn’t going to happen for me. As for the days thing, it’s complicated. I’ve counted and I’ve not counted and what I’ve determined is that counting helps me see patterns in my sobriety, and that’s the main reason why I keep track. Thank you for commenting– your last paragraph there is incredible ❤

      Like

Leave a Reply to fallymk Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.