Thursday February 14, 2019
I haven’t written in quite awhile. Things have been pretty good. I DID end up drinking on Super Bowl Sunday, my last post. I think it was the anxiety of thinking about whether or not to go to the neighbor’s party plus thinking that I deserve to have some fun on such a festive day, plus downplaying this “problem.”
I’m tired of weebling back and forth on this issue. It’s either a life-or-death problem or no big deal at all– depending on my needs for that moment. I’ve decided that I really need to see it for what it is– ALL THE TIME. So I will keep trying. Right now I have 7 days sober. I don’t pay too much attention to my counter, but have it on so I can see my milestones. I want over 30 days, 100 days and I want a year. After a year, I want to keep living healthy.
All else is good here.
Yesterday was my late mom’s birthday. It makes me think of a time 2 years ago. I had JUST quit drinking– for the first time ever, February 11, 2017. So I was like on day 2 (which when you FIRST stop drinking, I think days 1, 2 and 3 are probably the very hardest– this has gotten much easier for me after many many day 1’s) and in the kitchen with 1/2 box of wine in the garage. I just wanted the wine SO. BAD. When hubby came home from work he came to hug me and I burst into tears. He immediately thought I was upset because of my mom’s birthday. Hugging him, and bawling, I felt SO ASHAMED. I was ashamed because I wasn’t crying about my mom. I was crying because I just wanted to drink– and knew that I needed to stop.
I will never ever forget that awful memory. The shameful feelings and the significance will always stick with me. It will always be a reminder of how low and desperate I was and how much I’ve grown and learned since then.
I took today off to volunteer at Will’s (my youngest) school. Sadly, this is probably one of the last class parties. I mean, we still have 6th grade next year, but after that it’s middle school. I’m glad I took the day off, it was fun to watch Will pass out all of his valentines and partake in the festivities. Also, I missed the cupcake sale at my school. Every year, the teachers make 24 cupcakes and sell them to kids for $1. The money raised is given to a graduating alumni (from our elementary school) for college. I wasn’t too sad to miss the cupcake sale this year 😉
Anyways, that’s all I have to say. Life is good. 2019 has been good. March will be good. THANK you Universe!!!