Image result for christmas tree

I’m feeling a mixed bag of emotions this morning.  I’m really upset with myself because I drank last night.

We were celebrating at my dad’s and my sister was drinking wine (as usual).  We brought a bunch of La Croix and Bai drinks and while I considered but then talked myself out of drinking wine, I ended up pouring vodka into 2 of my bai drinks.  My dad had a collection of liquor bottles on his counter (no one but my sister was drinking last night, this was from a party or something that he had previously).  I was bored and slightly irritated and it was there.

Didn’t plan on drinking and I’m not happy about it one bit.  The vodka actually stole my Christmas eve.  We got home early (around 8) and I passed right out.  Didn’t help arrange the kids’ gifts, didn’t leave out milk and cookies and didn’t move the elf.  On a positive note, since I crashed so early, I got up at 2 am to move the elf and leave out milk and cookies.  Then I proceeded to lay in bed for the next several hours, trying to sleep and trying not to hate myself for drinking poison last night.  I hate the drink!

Here’s the cool part:  MY relapses in the past have lasted days or weeks.  I’ve never had a one night blip.  I do not believe that I will drink tonight- or tomorrow night.  It wasn’t very fun to drink last night, it made me feel like crap, it stole the night with my family and now I’m going to be overly tired today from a night of messed up sleep.  Hopefully I will never drink again– and if I do– hopefully I can recognize for what it is– shit!  That is progress.

My day counter…

Today my day counter says that I’ve been sober for 16 days.  I’ve been meticulous about setting back my counter whenever I drink.  BUT… I’m considering not setting it back to zero- but to set it back one day.  Not that I care about losing the 16 days, but I’ve been diligently tracking my patterns and I’m sure that a month from now I won’t forget the one night blip on Christmas eve.  Also, I know this is very mental, but resetting back to zero almost gives me permission to drink the next few nights, because what the heck, I’m at zero already anyways right?  I’m still torn on this but will probably end up resetting.  I won’t forget that I had 2 weeks sober before Christmas.

Christmas Day

Despite the blip, missing last night and sleeping horribly, I am feeling pretty optimistic today.  Physically, I don’t feel bad (hungover).  My pred is working and I’m going to take a morning walk in a bit and am going to try to run a little.  It’s 6:30 am and I’m anxiously waiting for the kids to get up.  They only got one present from us, but have a few things to open from their grandparents and also full stockings from Santa.  Hubby has a few gifts for me (I have NO idea what they are– just small things we shop for ourselves for our big gifts) and I have nothing for him.  We may have a present for us from his parents, I haven’t checked under the tree yet (they drop off the kids and our gifts the day before Christmas).

We will be heading to his parents house later.  I decided that it will not be a repeat of Thanksgiving.  I will not listen to my SIL or MIL while they rant for hours.  I will listen for a few and then remove myself from the situation.  Hopefully there won’t be a repeat, but I am setting my boundaries just in case.  It’s nice because they live behind us.  I am going to excuse myself early and come home and hang out with the dog and watch a chick flick.

Soooo.. that’s it.  Kind of excited to get today over with and get on with this wonderful vacation.  Merry Christmas ❤

 

2 thoughts on “Merry Christmas

  1. Your posts are so honest and raw. I feel like I know you and I’ve only been reading for a couple of weeks. If you substituted food for alcohol we share a lot of the same shame and guilt. Sigh. Hang in there lady, you inspire me with your never give up attitude.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, you are so kind. I also have a problem with food 🙈. I’ve gained some weight since my sobriety journey. That’s another area I’ll have to work out, but I’m hoping that working through the steps will help that too. Good luck to you, you are not alone! 💙

      Like

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