The Pain of Not Drinking


I know I said this before, but I am just not feeling it this Christmas season!  It’s days away and I’m barely prepared and don’t even care.  I’ve felt extra sad this week about my mom not being here.  She has been gone for over 4 years and I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out why this is hitting me so hard this year.

I’ve been so irritable this week!  I got a group message from my dad yesterday about getting Walmart subs for Christmas eve dinner.  It about made me lose my SH**.  WHY the F*** do we have to eat nasty Walmart subs?  They will be paired with pizza– probably $5 hot and readys from Little Caesars (BLAH!!).  If this isn’t bad enough, Christmas day will be spent with hubby’s fancy family with a super fancy meal.  ALL of this is making me so cranky!

This is all so different than the Christmas we’d have with my mom.  She made GOOD food.  Not too fancy, but not garbage food.  PERFECTION.  She made plenty of hor d’oeuvres and desserts and then we would do something GOOD like a party sub from Subway.  Now I’m stuck between two parties on opposite spectrums– both which I despise.  I want familiar, the way it used to be.  All of this has been too much, I am literally crying every time I think about it.

How freakin’ ungrateful can I be???  My dad would be crushed if he knew I felt this way.  Hubby’s family would probably be pretty annoyed as well.  My dad and hubby’s parents will not be here forever.  Realistically, they probably won’t be around for a ton more time, they are all nearing 70.  WHY can’t I forget the food and the process and just be thankful that we have family left to spend time with.

It finally dawned on me tonight– why I’ve been so upset and emotional about it.  This will be my first sober Christmas.  No wonder why it seems like I’m just processing my mom’s death– I was always too drunk before to deal with my feelings and emotions.

Betsy took this opportunity to tell me that I should drink up.  I took an imaginary sledgehammer and squashed her between the eyeballs!

I’ve dealt with difficult holidays sober, such as my mom’s birthday, my birthday, her death day, 4th of July (which is a heavy drinking day for me, one day after her death day), Easter and Thanksgiving.

I know I can do this and I want to.  Even if I’m sad, miserable and irritable until Tuesday.

It actually makes me feel a little bit better knowing that there is a logical reason why this week has been so tough.  I’ve got my eye on the prize of staying sober and accomplishing another first!

On a happier note, tomorrow is the LAST day of work for 2 weeks!  Tomorrow will be such a fun and festive day at school, for the first time this week I’m looking forward to getting up and going to work.

On another happier note, I do not think that we are going to have a white Christmas.  It’s been in the 40’s and I’ll be overjoyed if it stays that way.

See, lots of great things going on, I just need to focus on them.  But it’s ok to be sad too and feel the feels.  This too, shall pass <3

Published by Organic Revival

I am a mom of boys, wife, furmom, gardner, walker, runner, teacher, reader, writer and cook. I am 42 years old and live in the beautiful state of Michigan. I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. The most remarkable quality of mine is that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

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